Is he lying about guilt?

[Sadgirl5555]

Have had an affair for 4+ years. Started out really emotional, told me he was leaving for me, loved me, all the typical stuff. Has been a rollercoaster since. I long ago accepted it for what it is and was happy with seeing him when we could meet. He now lives far away so it is about 5-7 times per year.

 

Used to talk on the phone a ton and have phone sex when apart. Have had many big blow ups over the years, and I did find out that he lied a lot in the beginning. The biggest lie to me was that he had never cheated. He got that turned around...he had never been faithful the entire 17 years of marriage.

 

I enjoy the friendship we have (had as he is colder and distant now) and really want a physical relationship when we can have it. I know he is deeply flawed and though I care for him very much, I would not want anything serious with him if that were an option.

 

But now he says he is much happier in his marriage and really has no reason to cheat. Says he feels guilt and shame and cannot continue the physical part of our friendship. He says he really wants to stay friends and still cares for me. He has said this in the past but the second it is available, he jumps into bed with me. Also, I found him on adult dating sites. One he signed up for about 8 months ago when we were still seeing each other but fighting a lot. He still signs in to at least one of these.

 

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me, but I really want to know if he is full of it, and is really just not into me physically any longer. I think that is the case. His lying about it angers me! Why not just admit that? Is he not saying that so he can change his mind next time we are in the same town? Is he afraid I will be mad that he is ending it and seek revenge?

 

I have always made it clear that a deal breaker for me is him having oow. That he could replace me but not keep me around if he wants to screw around. I also don't think a friendship is important to him.

 

Thoughts?

[Solcita2]

Just by reading this thread I think that maybe he found someone new he's into... so he just doesn't care about you... HOWEVER he doesn't end things completely because you might cross again and well... booty call...

 

He hasn't been honest in his marriage... so what makes you think he's honest with you now? He just says whatever works for him...

[rae_lana]

Have had an affair for 4+ years. Started out really emotional, told me he was leaving for me, loved me, all the typical stuff. Has been a rollercoaster since. I long ago accepted it for what it is and was happy with seeing him when we could meet. He now lives far away so it is about 5-7 times per year.

 

Used to talk on the phone a ton and have phone sex when apart. Have had many big blow ups over the years, and I did find out that he lied a lot in the beginning. The biggest lie to me was that he had never cheated. He got that turned around...he had never been faithful the entire 17 years of marriage.

 

I enjoy the friendship we have (had as he is colder and distant now) and really want a physical relationship when we can have it. I know he is deeply flawed and though I care for him very much, I would not want anything serious with him if that were an option.

 

But now he says he is much happier in his marriage and really has no reason to cheat. Says he feels guilt and shame and cannot continue the physical part of our friendship. He says he really wants to stay friends and still cares for me. He has said this in the past but the second it is available, he jumps into bed with me. Also, I found him on adult dating sites. One he signed up for about 8 months ago when we were still seeing each other but fighting a lot. He still signs in to at least one of these.

 

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me, but I really want to know if he is full of it, and is really just not into me physically any longer. I think that is the case. His lying about it angers me! Why not just admit that? Is he not saying that so he can change his mind next time we are in the same town? Is he afraid I will be mad that he is ending it and seek revenge?

 

I have always made it clear that a deal breaker for me is him having oow. That he could replace me but not keep me around if he wants to screw around. I also don't think a friendship is important to him.

 

Thoughts?

 

I miss the friendship we had too.. It lasted for 4 years before all this started a year ago and now I miss it so much.. The friendship between us had gotten less and less as the affair has progressed and he denies it.. Says he still feels the same but when we get to emotionally connected we both start feeling out of focus and guilty like crazy.. So he wants to tone down the emotional and keep the sex.. But less often? He knows I like the physical side just as much as him, I do.. And I agree we were too intensely emotionally connected and it wasn't sustainable but it seems like its so much easier for him to detach from that..

 

Unless he's just a really really good actor.

He's never been faithful either but swears all one night stands and just physical.. That this was the first emotional affair.. I believe that.. But I'm starting to think he just told me everything I wanted to hear.. I feel heart broken.

 

I never wanted our marriages to end but I still want him. I feel like a child. I feel like I lost who I used to be and I want her back, I told him from the start I knew he was talking to other women and I was ok with it.. But that our friendship was the priority.. He agreed. But I don't think the friendship was ever really his priority at all.

 

Do they detach when they realize they have feelings or because they realize we are too deep in?? I have no idea.

 

Did he move away after your affair started? The same might happen to me.

Edited September 17, 2013 by rae_lana

[Sadgirl5555]

Solcita, I agree with you. He doesn't want to end completely in case he wants or needs another booty call, yet he is into someone else. I think the "guilt and shame" now are all bs.

 

Rae Lena, he has said the same thing at different times...if it was just sex, less emotion, it would be OK. At those times, I was hurt and we would fight over it. Then I finally came to the same conclusion and for about a year we tried to make it more casual, friendship with sex. But during that time, he would often act cold or distant right before and right after we saw each other and sometimes acted like I wanted him way more than he wanted me.

 

So, when he said no more sex, I said fine. And the next time I saw him, he was way more passionate than had been for months. I felt it proved he wanted me as much as I wanted him but didn't point that out. Yet since then, he has been more cold and now swears the sex needs to be over. Is over even. Won't engage in phone sex or flirty, sexual talk.

 

He did move after we started. At first it wasn't a big deal as we travel a lot and could spend whole weeks together. Now his job is different and it is more of a few hours or an afternoon or two together every other month or so.

 

I do not think he is detaching due to feeling too much for me. I think he has lost all feeling for me due to our fighting. He hates that I stand up to him and I realize we never would have worked as a couple because he seems to think he can say or do anything that hurts me but my reaction to that should be docile, sweet, or just leave him alone. He told me before he wanted to end things over a text message! And when I was livid and demanded he talk to me, he said I should have asked sweetly, not demanded....

 

I think he is either angry at me and just done with me, or has someone else. I don't believe the guilt or trying to be faithful and I don't think he gives a damn if we are friends. This is a game to him.

[Red Wolverine]

Have had an affair for 4+ years. Started out really emotional, told me he was leaving for me, loved me, all the typical stuff. Has been a rollercoaster since. I long ago accepted it for what it is and was happy with seeing him when we could meet. He now lives far away so it is about 5-7 times per year.

 

Used to talk on the phone a ton and have phone sex when apart. Have had many big blow ups over the years, and I did find out that he lied a lot in the beginning. The biggest lie to me was that he had never cheated. He got that turned around...he had never been faithful the entire 17 years of marriage.

 

I enjoy the friendship we have (had as he is colder and distant now) and really want a physical relationship when we can have it. I know he is deeply flawed and though I care for him very much, I would not want anything serious with him if that were an option.

 

But now he says he is much happier in his marriage and really has no reason to cheat. Says he feels guilt and shame and cannot continue the physical part of our friendship. He says he really wants to stay friends and still cares for me. He has said this in the past but the second it is available, he jumps into bed with me. Also, I found him on adult dating sites. One he signed up for about 8 months ago when we were still seeing each other but fighting a lot. He still signs in to at least one of these.

 

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me, but I really want to know if he is full of it, and is really just not into me physically any longer. I think that is the case. His lying about it angers me! Why not just admit that? Is he not saying that so he can change his mind next time we are in the same town? Is he afraid I will be mad that he is ending it and seek revenge?

 

I have always made it clear that a deal breaker for me is him having oow. That he could replace me but not keep me around if he wants to screw around. I also don't think a friendship is important to him.

 

Thoughts?

 

With all due respect, I think the fun has worn off. He has to manage you. Since he has a wife, that role is taken. He wants no strings fun without the headache.

 

Men don't look for affairs to get hit with realities. They want ego stroking and adoration with some hot sex thrown in. Due to distance and you realizing he's a serial cheater, his shiny penny has tarnished. He's looking for new women who will refresh those feelings. He figured telling you he was happier in his marriage was easier than the truth... He's trolling new ladies on websites.

 

Let him go. No great loss.

[Red Wolverine]

 

Do they detach when they realize they have feelings or because they realize we are too deep in?? I have no idea.

 

 

They detach when it becomes more work than fun.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Men who have never been faithful in 17 years of marriage don't wake up one day and change their spots. He's got someone else on the side. I agree that your bickering makes it not worth the trouble to keep you on the side as well.

[Ladydrib]

Have had an affair for 4+ years. Started out really emotional, told me he was leaving for me, loved me, all the typical stuff. Has been a rollercoaster since. I long ago accepted it for what it is and was happy with seeing him when we could meet. He now lives far away so it is about 5-7 times per year.

 

Used to talk on the phone a ton and have phone sex when apart. Have had many big blow ups over the years, and I did find out that he lied a lot in the beginning. The biggest lie to me was that he had never cheated. He got that turned around...he had never been faithful the entire 17 years of marriage.

 

I enjoy the friendship we have (had as he is colder and distant now) and really want a physical relationship when we can have it. I know he is deeply flawed and though I care for him very much, I would not want anything serious with him if that were an option.

 

But now he says he is much happier in his marriage and really has no reason to cheat. Says he feels guilt and shame and cannot continue the physical part of our friendship. He says he really wants to stay friends and still cares for me. He has said this in the past but the second it is available, he jumps into bed with me. Also, I found him on adult dating sites. One he signed up for about 8 months ago when we were still seeing each other but fighting a lot. He still signs in to at least one of these.

 

Maybe it shouldn't matter to me, but I really want to know if he is full of it, and is really just not into me physically any longer. I think that is the case. His lying about it angers me! Why not just admit that? Is he not saying that so he can change his mind next time we are in the same town? Is he afraid I will be mad that he is ending it and seek revenge?

 

I have always made it clear that a deal breaker for me is him having oow. That he could replace me but not keep me around if he wants to screw around. I also don't think a friendship is important to him.

 

Thoughts?

 

My guess is that you began to feel too much like a relationship. This man is seeking sex only. Anyone becomes less appealing to him once it involves expectations, duration, and/or emotional attachment. He still is sexually attracted to you and will take what he can get but he feels it moving into dangerous territory (emotional & expectations) so he's pushing away from you and will begin to work on finding sex elsewhere.

[Sadgirl5555]

Yeah, we had a talk. It is all about our last fight. It was really not my fault. He took things I said wrong and doesn't care what he said or did. He is really stubborn.

 

Our emotional attachment was out of control strong in the beginning. He separated and decided to go back after a lot of family and financial stress. We have remained close but neither of us thought it was a bad move for him to go back. There are other reasons why I wanted this as nothing more serious with him, age difference, different life goals, etc.

 

Pierre, I love the sarcastic comment but he doesn't know I saw him on that site and I do not have a profile. That was found when my girlfriend was looking for someone to date. I never have felt the need to check up on him.

 

I did ask him about it. He swears he has not been active for a long time and is not looking for anyone. I don't believe him and either way, if he were really wanting to stop the physical side with me to be faithful, he would take his profilw down. I am not delusional thinking if someone approached him, he would not go for it.

 

Basically I said something last time that he can't or doesn't want to get over and there is nothing I can do about that. He knew at the time I didn't mean it and in my opinion he was far worse. The difference is I let it go because I do want him, and he doesn't want me enough.

 

I am sad about the sex ending, but not too much because until I see him, I don't believe it.