Juds, Nic, Rachel

[Bren]

Hi

 

Just thought I would give you an update on the situation. Last night he called work again twice, my boss intercepted the calls. I left at 4:30pm - (I usually leave at 5:00pm), and he was waiting for me. He walked towards the car, and I was talking to my best friend on my mobile, I told her what was happening and she called my boss and my boss called security. He came up to the car and I locked all my doors, he asked if he could get in, I said no, he said he wanted to talk to me, I asked what about, he said that he had some stuff at my house and I said that I would put it over his fence at is house. I was so scared and I think that he knew it. He looked like he had been crying, he looked at me and said "Im sorry", then he said "dont worry about it".

 

You know I know that he has done bad, really bad. But when I saw him (I havent seen him since it happened) 9 days ago, just this flood of emotion came back. I do love him, but I know that I could NEVER go back.

 

I did go and take his stuff back, I threw it over his fence. I dont know if I did do the right thing but I also included at letter, saying thanks for the good times, to stop calling me at work, maybe one day I will call him and maybe we may be able to be friends, I said that I cant forget him, he was my best friend for 4 years, I cant forget that - but I want to forget the last night we had together. I hope that he has a good life, and just signed it.

 

It sort of gave me some sort of closure - what do you think?

 

Bren

[Juds]

I think you are a kind and compassionate person. There are many who would tell him to go to hell. My heart aches for how you must be feeling at the moment. To have somebody you love and have spent many years with betray your trust and confidence that way is one of lifes worst experiences.

 

I also feel for your bf - in a strange sort of way. He probably does feel very remorseful and sorry, however it does not excuse his behaviour, and does not mean it won't happen again. It is actually quite typical of abusers. There is a distinct pattern to their behaviour, as I learned through police cousellors. The apologetic and sorry behaviour continues until they "win you over", and then all seemingly goes back to normal. The tension however can build up and escalate towards anger and/or violence again. Then another explosion, followed by remorse etc. etc.

 

It is very difficult to find that someone you love deeply could be put into the category of abuser. However his actions have proven that he is capable of such behaviour. I know that I always felt that abusers were out there but it would never happen to me. When my ex started abusing me, I made excuses for his behaviour, and what began as VERY isolated incidents (eg. when he was drinking, or perhaps when we had argued about something) quietly and increasingly became more nasty and more frequent. I think it happened under my nose, and I blindly kept on believing that it wouldn't happen again, or that it was only brought about because of extenuating circumstances.

 

After the relationship ended, I looked back, and could see that our relationship was typical of most abusive relationships.

 

Bren, you are courageous, and handling yourself with dignity and compassion. However, I wouldn't be encouraging friendship of any form whatsoever at the moment. In time you may be able to forgive him, and I hope for your sake you can, as forgiveness is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. You will free yourself from fear and anger. Just do it for yourself, not him.

 

If you give him even a hint of kindness, or even a hint that you may forgive him, it will probably encourage him to keep trying to get the relationship going again. Really I think that the best thing you can do is to keep your distance from him as much as possible, and have minimal or NO contact with him. In the end it will be kinder on both of you.

 

I empathise and sympathise with the pain you must be feeling. Love doesn't switch off overnight, but be brave, and you will soon see a whole new world open up to you that DOESN'T include violence in any form.

[Nic]

hi bren,

 

i have to say that i think the amount of courage and self-respect you are showing is to be commended. it is all too easy for so many women to go back with the common thought of "but i love him". certainly, i can understand how someone would do that, especially after the first time, and especially if the guy had treated them well up until the point of the abuse. no sane woman would ever get together with a man knowing he is physically abusive, so it is always hard to come to terms with your partner abusing you. but i firmly believe that if it happens once, it can happen again. and no matter how many tears from the guy and no matter how many "i love yous", will guarantee that it won't happen again.

 

but it gives me a kind of warm satisfaction to know that you are using your head here, even if it causing you pain. one of my best friends was dating a guy for 5 years. during that whole time, he treated her like a queen. that was until one night they got into a fight and he gave her a black eye that took 6 months to heal. i am not kidding. the hospital were amazed he didn't fracture her cheekbone. i met her at the hospital the night it happened, and i felt sick looking at the damage he did to her. i will never forget the look on her mothers face. it was heartbreaking. they split up temporarily, but then she went back to him. he constantly told her he was sorry and showed so much remorse, but i never failed to notice the bruises on her shins and on her arms where he grabbed her. she finally left him for good about 6 months later. to this day he is sorry, but to this day, she refuses to get back with him. i know what happened broke her heart because he was her first love. love may hurt, but it shouldn't physically hurt.

 

i think you have done the right thing by letting him down gently. showing a lot of anger towards him will probably only fire him up more. you have stood your ground and shown a lot of respect for yourself. i do think though, that from this point on, you should have no contact with him. if he tries to push the issue of frienship, tell him that you have already said, "maybe oneday", but right now you need to be on your own. tell him to respect that. a frienship with him should not be pursued, because he will probably only try and get back with you. you need to move on, and he needs to move on.

 

you have been so strong. i hope you continue to be. it's amazing how we can surprise ourselves with strength we didn't know we had until something so challenging confronts us. good on you. you really are doing the right thing, and don't let him try and make you feel otherwise.

 

you deserve a big box of chocolates and a shopping spree!!!

 

nic :

 

Hi Just thought I would give you an update on the situation. Last night he called work again twice, my boss intercepted the calls. I left at 4:30pm - (I usually leave at 5:00pm), and he was waiting for me. He walked towards the car, and I was talking to my best friend on my mobile, I told her what was happening and she called my boss and my boss called security. He came up to the car and I locked all my doors, he asked if he could get in, I said no, he said he wanted to talk to me, I asked what about, he said that he had some stuff at my house and I said that I would put it over his fence at is house. I was so scared and I think that he knew it. He looked like he had been crying, he looked at me and said "Im sorry", then he said "dont worry about it". You know I know that he has done bad, really bad. But when I saw him (I havent seen him since it happened) 9 days ago, just this flood of emotion came back. I do love him, but I know that I could NEVER go back. I did go and take his stuff back, I threw it over his fence. I dont know if I did do the right thing but I also included at letter, saying thanks for the good times, to stop calling me at work, maybe one day I will call him and maybe we may be able to be friends, I said that I cant forget him, he was my best friend for 4 years, I cant forget that - but I want to forget the last night we had together. I hope that he has a good life, and just signed it. It sort of gave me some sort of closure - what do you think? Bren

[Bren]

Juds,

 

He just called me and he wants to meet. I dont know what to do. He actually doesnt remember hitting me - and he wants to know what happened that night. What do you think I should do???

[Quandary]

I would say it's up to you... If you guys were close then you know him and can probably tell better than any of us if he is tellign the truth or not.

 

If you do meet him I would say go to a public place and don't drink and alcohol. Good luck

[Nic]

i find it hard to believe that he doesn't remember hitting you. i mean, he keeps calling you at work and he appears to be teary. he's obviously feeling bad about something.

 

but then again, i wasn't there when it happened, and i have no idea if he was under the influence of anything (it sounds like he was). even if he was, this still concerns me a great deal, because of the chance of it happening again.

 

if you really feel that you need to clear the air and really gain some closure, meet him in a public place. you are obviously scared of this guy, so please, if you decide to meet him, do it somewhere where there are other people around. do not give in if he asks to go somewhere private. look out for yourself. perhaps ask a friend to come with you, who could wait in the car, and make up some sort of signal if you feel you are in trouble.

 

i would love to tell you to not meet him, but i can't do that. i feel that you want to set the record straight, and maybe there is that little chance that he doesn't remember. but don't forget that he still did what he did, and don't be afraid to remind him of that.

Juds, He just called me and he wants to meet. I dont know what to do. He actually doesnt remember hitting me - and he wants to know what happened that night. What do you think I should do???

[Juds]

Hmmm.. Well I guess my first instinct would be say NO WAY - don't do it! However, I suppose that it's not my place to say that to you, and I guess that after knowing him for 4 yrs then you know him fairly well.

 

I can understand why you want to see him - and perhaps he doesn't remember hitting you. I would assume that it's alcohol induced? However the fact still remains that he DID hit you, and that somewhere deep inside of him there must be some sort of suppressed anger. Emotionally balanced people don't hit others, drunk or not. He has issues - you can choose to tell yourself otherwise but I would be very careful.

 

I am not implying that this guy is some sort of crazy man - you can probably meet him quite safely. However I would be concerned that he will try and talk you into coming back to him. The issues will still remain, and the anger will still remain.

 

If you read my previous post, I referred to the beginning of my dismal marriage to an abuser. At the beginning, it was only when he was drinking, and after about a year, it progressed to abuse when he was ABSOLUTELY sober. The rage came out when I pushed the buttons, or when life got too much for him.

 

Bren, I know you still love this guy. But do you really want to remain in a relationship of any description (friendship or more) with a guy who threatens your life? Are you seeing him because you secretly hope you will sort things out, or just to clear the air? If you want to set things straight with him, rather than meet him, I would tell him over the phone that he physically assaulted you, that you feared for your life, and that he has changed your life from this point forward. That should refresh his memory. Then tell him that you wish NO further contact with him.

 

If you need to find closure, the best closure you will find is not to make him understand what he did, but to move on with your life and find your own happiness. It is his loss, and he brought the whole thing upon himself with his fists.

 

If you really need food for thought, picture yourself down the track with a couple of kids with this guy. Do you want abuse in your life, abuse in your children's lives, and the lack of respect that your children will develop for both of you. Perhaps a little extreme, but quite possible if you entertain the thought of getting back with this guy.

 

I suppose the flip side of the coin is that he may NEVER do this again. He may not, but he may - is that a chance you are willing to take?

 

I wish wave a magic wand to make you feel better about this. You are suffering the way I suffered 10 years ago. I can only say that I would NEVER EVER even consider a relationship of any kind with someone who physically assaulted me. You sound sweet and kind, don't torment yourself over how he feels. So he sheds a few tears? Big deal!! So he should!! As well as feeling rotten about what he did forever and a day. Please don't sympathise with him. At this point you should think only of yourself and your future. By the way, how old are you? It's really not that relevant, but you seem like you're in your 20's (?)- you have so very much more ahead of you than to waste your life on a loser.

 

If there was one thing that I could go back and change it would be the years I spent with my d***head husband. Please don't make the same mistakes. A tiger never really changes it's stripes.

 

Take care sweet girl, I guess it's all up to you now. Please make careful decisions, and don't rush into anything. You have time on your side, and a few days thinking about this won't hurt. Let him suffer. Don't see him cos it'll make him feel better.

 

God, what a ramble. I am so passionate about this. Hope it all makes sense.

[Bren]

I can understand why you want to see him

- and perhaps he doesn't remember hitting you. I would assume that it's alcohol induced?

Yeah - it was alcohol induced, he had been drinking all night. I remember the drive into the city. I didnt think that I could have loved him more. I was so happy and content. and then bang this all happened....

 

However

the fact still remains that he DID hit you, and that somewhere deep inside of him there must be some sort of suppressed anger. Emotionally balanced people don't hit others, drunk or not. He has issues - you can choose to tell yourself otherwise but I would be very careful.

I know that he does, i am not denying this. He has been in the war and he spent many months in a concentration camp. He is putz in the head.

I am not implying that this guy is some sort of crazy man - you can probably meet him quite safely. However I would be concerned that he will try and talk you into coming back to him. The issues will still remain, and the anger will still remain.

This is exactly what I am afraid of. I know that I am not strong enough emotionally to meet with him yet. It hurts me to see him.

If you read my previous post, I referred to the beginning of my dismal marriage to an abuser. At the beginning, it was only when he was drinking, and after about a year, it progressed to abuse when he was ABSOLUTELY sober. The rage came out when I pushed the buttons, or when life got too much for him.

I understand what your saying here.

 

By the

way, how old are you? It's really not that relevant, but you seem like you're in your 20's (?)- you have so very much more ahead of you than to waste your life on a loser.

I am 26 - I now feel like at 46 !!

Take care sweet girl, I guess it's all up to you now. Please make careful decisions, and don't rush into anything. You have time on your side, and a few days thinking about this won't hurt. Let him suffer. Don't see him cos it'll make him feel better.

I think this could possibly be why I am meeting with him. I am such a sucker - I know that he is hurting, and i want to make it better for him.

 

He told me that his whole family is going crazy because of what happened and I have avoided him all this time. He says that he has been going crazy, and that this has f***ed up his life. But he doesnt remember, only bits and pieces.

 

His friends seem to think that its okay to abuse their girlfriends and i told him ages ago that if he thinks that he could do that - he would only have to do it once. And thats what I told him on the phone today - he says he understands that, I told him it was over, he says that he understands that too, but he needs to see me. I asked what for, and he says that he just wants to see me one last time.

Hope it all makes sense.

Yes it does, and I thank you with all my heart for your advice and time.

[Juds]

You are so welcome - my last (unasked for) piece of advice is just to put yourself first in this situation. Your ability to still feel compassion for this man shows just how deeply you loved him. I suppose it's what makes women stay with men who hurt them.

 

From this point forward I would just encourage you to think about things from your point of view. Don't do things to please others. I'm sure he is upset - at least he is doing that, and I'm sure his family are upset too. Please just remember that you can't fix everyone elses problems for them. Rise above what they want and focus on how YOU are going to cope best.

 

I really think that a couple of counselling sessions would be fabulous for you. Having a willing ear and someone who won't pass judgement can be nothing but positive. You get to complain and go on and on, and they don't mind. Sometimes, as much as friends can be supportive in other ways, they are not impartial enough. If they know both of you, they can often confuse the issue more.

 

Only you know what you want to do, or how far you are willing to go for this guy. I wonder if you'd ever really feel the same again anyway? Your broken heart will mend, but not overnight. In the meantime, feel free to come to this wonderful site for as much support as you need.

 

It's all so easy for me to give out advice now - but as they say hindsight vision is 20/20, I'm sure I wasn't this logical when I was in your shoes. Just try to focus on what you WANT your life to be like. You'll be okay - and you'll be in my thoughts.

 

Just for the record, you are more courageous, and have more self-respect than I did. I put up with my ex's S**t for much longer than I should have. Commend yourself and give yourself a big pat on the back for that. You can only go up from here!!

[Rachel]

Bren, do you think you are the only woman to say , I will never go back to that situation and then take sympathy and meet with the guy, then the guy will sweet talk you into going back with him?

 

Have you love your mind?

 

Dont' do it. You need to REMOVE this man from your life. He is sick. He doesn't know it, but you do.

 

You know it WILL happen again if you get back with him. He will say he doesn't remember it happening, and that it will never happen again.

 

Please don't meet with him. I think you will regret it.