Need Advise!

[1happyjen]

I got engaged on October 21st of this year. It was the most perfect, unexpected proposal. During that week we talked about setting a date. We both agreed that we liked September or October. As the days went on my fiance said that his father thought we were rushing getting married. His father thinks that a year is not long. Now, my fiance said that we just got engaged and he's not ready to set a date. He said that when "he's" ready to set a date, then he will and we will be married a year after he decides he's ready to set the date. We have a great relationship! We've been together for three wonderful years. We've bought a home, and have a son who is one. I always waited for the day he would ask me. I never thought he would make me wait to set a date, even if it's two years from now. Why did he even ask me? He says he wants everything to be perfect. "We had a perfect engagement and it will be the perfect date, just relax!" I think that the part that upsets me the most is that he knows how upset I am about this, but he doesn't care. If he wasn't ready to set a date, why did he ask?

[Stone]

I am sure he still wants to marry you but now since you already have a home, child, ect he doesn't feel rushed. You need to sit down with him and a calander and tell him you want to have a wedding in the next _______ months. See how it works.

[alphamale]

why are women so frikkin crazy about THE DATE???

 

so what, you're engaged. I don't think he is doing anything wrong here at all. In addition, you don't seem to have any choice cause you've already given away all your bargaining chips:

 

a: you're already living together

b: you have a kid together

c: he's already getting sex and a woman around and stuff

 

....so thaking abouve into acct, then what motivation does he have to get married sooner than later?

[Moose]

I think that he has shown you that he's committed to marrying you. That was probably a big step for him. Maybe he wants to build up a big nest egg so that he can treat you to a nice wedding with maybe a week long honeymoon on the islands or something.

 

To some men, an engagement is about as solidyfying as a marriage. Maybe that's the way he's feeling. That he's already committed to you and that marriage is just another mondain action.

[1happyjen]

Thanks That makes me feel better. I hope I am overreacting! I guess I should lay off with "the date" thing. This seems to be the only argument we seem to have. Besides this, our relationship is great!!

[1happyjen]

Is there anyone else who's gone through this? I feel like a kid that's been given a piece of candy, then told that you can't eat it! This is constantly on my mind. Whenever I try to talk to him about a date or even roughly, he say's "Alright Jen!" Should I just lay off. Sometimes I think that this isn't fair!

[CraigC]

I agree with the others that there is no rush. Plus you already have a number of committments (the engagement, your son, your home, etc).

 

On the other hand, I'm reading a few things between the lines here:

 

* You are anxious (or some adjective here), not just for wanting to do it, but maybe you think something is wrong?

 

* You seem upset, that the date is "only" up to him

 

* You seem to be throwing up a red flag about his father's comment.

 

Am I jumping at shadows, or are you :)

[meanon]

Would you feel better if you explained that you are happy to wait until he is ready but that, for you, the committment of an engagement means being ready to name the day? In other words the engagement is off. I think it's the doubt about whether he has made the committment or not that is bothering you, particularly in the light of his comments about it being too soon for marriage. You need to find some way of getting out of this negative cycle.

 

If you think this would cause more difficulties between you then you need to find another way of trying to seek a compromise without discussing it constantly. Decide what the minimum is that you need to re-gain some peace of mind, tell him clearly what you expect and then let him have some time to think about it before you raise the matter again.

[binturong]

We didn't go through what you are, but I can tell you this...we set our wedding date 13 months after we got engaged. By around the 6 month mark, I was itching to be married and done with it already! So I know, in part, how you feel. Being engaged isn't meant to be a long term thing. It's a transition between being BF/GF and being husband/wife. Has he given you any concrete reason as to why he is unwilling to set the date?

[1happyjen]

I am upset that the date is only up to him. I believe that marriage is 50/50. It's never been his way or no way. We've always compromised w/ things. Maybe I am a little anxious. I feel like, I'm good enough for everything else, except to be married? I never asked him, he asked me, so why are there these all of the sudden conditions. And, yes I am upset about his dad, even though I would never say anything. My fiance was talking about dates. I got all excited, then BOOM!, he's not ready to set a date. Is this a relationship between us or us and his father (who does not have a good marriage, and is constantly back and forth with his own home life), even though that's none of my business. I will admit, I thought everyone who responded was going to say, "How could he!" I guess not. I'm very old fashioned, even though I'm young and things that I think, people say that it should'nt matter, such as it bothers me that I have a child and am not married. Don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason. My fiance is my life. I couldn't imagine living my life without him. I can say, I'm very happy and know I'm going to grow old with him.

[Moose]

I believe that marriage is 50/50

 

Sorry, but this is a misconception. Marriage is 100/100. But I know what you meant. I just thought I'd through that in there for your sake. If you get into the mind set that you only have to put 50% to your marriage, your sadly mistaken.