HOW can dumpers not want any more contact?

[rachel88]

I've been reading this forum for a while and it's really helped, whenever I feel low I look on here.

 

My bf and I broke up 8 weeks ago, 2 weeks NC, went out for 3 years (kind of mutual, he was the one that decided it though and said he wanted to break up). I've been dying these past 8 weeks.

 

I messaged him after 3 weeks as I was going mad not speak to him, we texted a bit...then a week later he messaged me asking what I'd been doing at the weekend.

 

I just want to know how dumpers can go NC after such a long time? HOW can someone not want to speak to the other person after they've been together 3 years??? I know all the clichés, like it's for the best, helps them move on etc. but if they truely cared about the other person they'd want to speak to them and see how they are??

 

When the break up speech came he kept saying 'for now' and 'see how we feel' and that it wasn't right 'at the moment'.....maybe GIGS? So he just doesn't think about me because he's off doing more fun things?

 

x

[Tarleton82]

I know how you feel, gal. I'm going through the exact same thing with my ex, she left me after FIVE years and it seems to me she truly hates my guts.

 

It kills me to think she could hate me. How? It could be mental illness, I just don't know. I wish I did.

[hurts2death]

they just dont care,,,

 

they become selcentered in a sociaty that buys and sells anything.

i guess they have no morals or ethics...

 

they just feel as how we would feel if someone flirted on us and we didnt like him at all

 

 

so dont talk to him

 

and yes if it was 3 years they dont care too. cause they are selfish....

 

avoid him please..

 

i am going through the same

 

 

wish the best

-john

[rachel88]

Thanks for the replies, it's just awful. I want to know what's going on in their minds.

 

I guess it just hurts because I think, he's either DEAD inside to not want to reach out, or if he feels nothing after breaking up after 3 years then we should have broken up a long time ago. If they do care, how can they have such will power not to contact someone?? Post break-up, my ex did say he found it easier not to talk to me ..does this mean he still has feelings he just wants them to die?

 

It just ended well (...as well as it can) we kissed goodbye, he sounded uncertain..and now it's gone to nothing. I wanna text him so badly!!!

 

Its been 8 weeks and I still feel like I can cope, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate.. humph..

[Nancy87]

Yes they have been selfish and even if u get back, sooner or later, their selfishness will spill out again. n u would be all in pain..

Its better to help urself out of it!

 

I asked my ex to just be friends n he said he cant.. n after that he did not even read my msgs. so yes, they can be so inhumane!

A breakup shouldn't mean that u are not a human anymore and u dont deserve care. better fall for a kind and empathetic heart next time!

[Misfortune]

Dumpers emotionally remove themselves from the relationship long before the dumpee ever finds out. They usually have someone else to make them happy and keep them from wanting anything to do with the dumpee. Some dumpers come back when the rose colored glasses come off and nothing else has worked out for them; dumpees become the last resort.

[hurts2death]

i dont understand how they dont have consius at all?

 

Dumpers emotionally remove themselves from the relationship long before the dumpee ever finds out. They usually have someone else to make them happy and keep them from wanting anything to do with the dumpee. Some dumpers come back when the rose colored glasses come off and nothing else has worked out for them; dumpees become the last resort.

[RiceaRoni]

I actually never want to be contacted by a Dumper..

It's too painful for me especially if it's just idle chit chat and not a conversation on trying to reconcile. I'd rather try to move on and heal best I can, and if during then the Dumper realizes he has made a mistake and tries and fights for us and to work things out I'd talk to him, but basic talk and trying to start conversations don't work for me..it gets annoying when they don't even reply and it makes me nervous and anxious as to when they'll respond after I've replied.

[Babolat]

I've been reading this forum for a while and it's really helped, whenever I feel low I look on here.

 

My bf and I broke up 8 weeks ago, 2 weeks NC, went out for 3 years (kind of mutual, he was the one that decided it though and said he wanted to break up). I've been dying these past 8 weeks.

 

I messaged him after 3 weeks as I was going mad not speak to him, we texted a bit...then a week later he messaged me asking what I'd been doing at the weekend.

 

I just want to know how dumpers can go NC after such a long time? HOW can someone not want to speak to the other person after they've been together 3 years??? I know all the clichés, like it's for the best, helps them move on etc. but if they truely cared about the other person they'd want to speak to them and see how they are??

 

When the break up speech came he kept saying 'for now' and 'see how we feel' and that it wasn't right 'at the moment'.....maybe GIGS? So he just doesn't think about me because he's off doing more fun things?

 

x

 

I was the dumper, and, at the time it was easy, I was sooo frustrated and just over her actions and behaviors. And she was over me reactions to her actions and behaviors too, so it was kind of mutual.

 

Once I calmed down though, removed myself from the trigger/event that broke the camels back, 3-4 days later, I felt very sad, and I missed the heck out of her.

 

It was not easy, one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life. And, we broke NC and had a lot of ex sex over the past 4+ months. It was always her initiating contact, and I was not strong enough to say No.

 

I have been suggesting NC for a while since all of the ex sex, she said it would be too painful for her. I was thinking of her, not me, agreed, kept in contact. 3 weeks ago I finally realized I need to move on. So, she agreed to NC then as she realized how selfish she is being, telling me she needs to be alone to work on herself, yet still wanting to be with me.

 

She is working on herself, bettering herself, all good stuff, I just need to move on emotionally.

 

Saying the dumper is selfish, does not care, emotionally detaches, well, is immature. It took every bit of courage and energy I had to walk away from us.

[lauri]

Sometimes they remove themselves because they still have feelings or have checked out significantly before ending it. Its better then them leading you on and trying to keep you around.

[RiceaRoni]

Sometimes they remove themselves because they still have feelings or have checked out significantly before ending it. Its better then them leading you on and trying to keep you around.

 

I agree..it's better to leave you alone rather tHan talk to you and give you hope. They talk to you to not feel bad about the break up..it's more a guild reliever and they tall to you to lose you gradually or until they meet someone new, and that ends up hurting you even more.

[Babolat]

Sometimes they remove themselves because they still have feelings or have checked out significantly before ending it. Its better then them leading you on and trying to keep you around.

I kind of did this; I started to emotionally detach near the end. I initally did as a means to save the relationship.

[Nancy87]

but dont u find urself still attached?

emotionally detaching didnt work for me!..

[RiceaRoni]

but dont u find urself still attached?

emotionally detaching didnt work for me!..

 

Of course I still find myself attached, but I hate feeling depressed and sad, and being texted by them doesn't help me in any in a means of healing. He JUST left me..and he's trying to talk to me like nothing even happened, and we don't even talk to same anymore. It hurts me too much therefore I have to do what's best for me and hope he doesn't text me and leaves me alone. I don't want to be bothered by the person who just rejected me and hurt my feelings, I'd hope they respect and know what they did and how it must make me feel, not be selfish and text me acting as if nothing happened and not respecting my feelings.

[rachel88]

Thank you everyone. I agree Babolat, it does take a lot of courage to break up a relationship. To be honest, I'd thought about ending it but I didn't have the guts. That's why I'm frustrated with myself that I'm so distraught because I had thought about it too.

 

Can I ask, did you not initiate contact with her because you knew she would eventually message you now and then? If she hadn't, would you have tried to get in contact with her or power on through and NC?

 

I guess it's just hard because the break up was due to distance + the last few times we saw each other wasn't great.. I know that people who were truely in love wouldn't think about ending the relationship, but he didn't end it because he wasn't attracted to me anymore (...I hope/think) so I just cling on to hope.

[movingonnow1]

Thank you everyone. I agree Babolat, it does take a lot of courage to break up a relationship. To be honest, I'd thought about ending it but I didn't have the guts. That's why I'm frustrated with myself that I'm so distraught because I had thought about it too.

 

Can I ask, did you not initiate contact with her because you knew she would eventually message you now and then? If she hadn't, would you have tried to get in contact with her or power on through and NC?

 

I guess it's just hard because the break up was due to distance + the last few times we saw each other wasn't great.. I know that people who were truely in love wouldn't think about ending the relationship, but he didn't end it because he wasn't attracted to me anymore (...I hope/think) so I just cling on to hope.

 

Relationships should enhance our lives, not make them. If he doesn't want to talk to you then his loss!

 

Remember that when you move onto the next one - the fact you are hurting now is normal and you may want to get back with him one day , but why would you want to RELY on him for happiness again? Its BEST to be happy with yourself and get on your feet - do it to show him what he lost and when you look back at him you may feel he isn't even worth all the thoughts you are putting yourself through now.

[hurts2death]

yeah.

 

on our feet

[L1ght]

Dumpers emotionally remove themselves from the relationship long before the dumpee ever finds out. They usually have someone else to make them happy and keep them from wanting anything to do with the dumpee. Some dumpers come back when the rose colored glasses come off and nothing else has worked out for them; dumpees become the last resort.

Yeah if someone cuts you off in a definite way then the chances are that they have been seeking out attention and affection with someone else for quite some time. That other person is the comfort zone that you used to be and slowly but surely they have worked their way into your ex's heart.

Its a tough pill to swallow but its just the reality of things when someone seemingly finds it so easy to leave you behind.

There are ways to see it coming though.....if you sense genuine distance from your partner then listen to your gut, follow the warning signs and question everything otherwise you will get burnt.

Honesty and openness should be like an open valve that water runs smoothly through but once your partner is not open and honest in this kind of way its a sure sign that something is brewing in their mind that they don't want you to know about.

Trust your gut. Always.

Edited September 17, 2013 by L1ght

[rachel88]

Yeah, that thought makes me feel physically sick and even if it is true I'm going to convince my brain that it's not!!!! Because I literally couldn't cope with that.

 

I did ask if there was anyone else and he said no. I guess I'm just surprised at some peoples will power not to get in contact, if they do still care/would like to speak that is.

[Babolat]

Can I ask, did you not initiate contact with her because you knew she would eventually message you now and then? If she hadn't, would you have tried to get in contact with her or power on through and NC?.

 

We went about 3 weeks post break up, then she sent me a text saying she did not realize she would be losing her best friend, she missed me, she needed my friendship. That lead into some texts back and forth, then eventually meeting at my house to "talk", which turned into sex. That's usually how it went; time would pass, she would text me to talk, come over, little talk, lots of sex.

 

More recently it was her texting me while near my house, usually for work, asking if she could come over. No more talking, just being together, sex, hanging out. I could no longer do that.

 

Yes, I would have held to NC had she not contacted me 3 weeks post breakup.

[L1ght]

Yeah, that thought makes me feel physically sick and even if it is true I'm going to convince my brain that it's not!!!! Because I literally couldn't cope with that.

 

I did ask if there was anyone else and he said no. I guess I'm just surprised at some peoples will power not to get in contact, if they do still care/would like to speak that is.

I'm the opposite to you in that respect. If I know my ex is with someone else then it makes me let go of everything. Its done and final. Nothing else to hold on to and in my mind Its a total "Well F*ck You Then!"

Feels good in a way to realise I'm strong enough to move on without them and IMO that's the way you should look at it because then you will get on with your own life quicker. Assume he is with somebody else and their is nothing you can do......If you can

[Babolat]

Yeah if someone cuts you off in a definite way then the chances are that they have been seeking out attention and affection with someone else for quite some time. That other person is the comfort zone that you used to be and slowly but surely they have worked their way into your ex's heart.

Its a tough pill to swallow but its just the reality of things when someone seemingly finds it so easy to leave you behind.

There are ways to see it coming though.....if you sense genuine distance from your partner then listen to your gut, follow the warning signs and question everything otherwise you will get burnt.

Honesty and openness should be like an open valve that water runs smoothly through but once your partner is not open and honest in this kind of way its a sure sign that something is brewing in their mind that they don't want you to know about.

Trust your gut. Always.

 

My ex told me later, post breakup, that towards the end, I started to seem detached, not in the relationship. She was right, I was trying to figure out if it could work and at the same time trying to detach from what bothered me, in hopes that I could "accept" it and make the relationship work.

[Kimmie80]

Im struggling with the same thing. Its been NC since July 18th. I am still waiting for the day when I can say Im all good! Although, I am at the point where I am having good days instead of nothing but bad days. But when I do have my bad day, its a very bad day

 

I still can't wrap my head around how he just walked away. Everything seemed so perfect for the little time we had together. It was honestly something from the movies. And all because I bashed him via email, he walked. I can't blame him. He doesnt want any drama. But just to turn around and leave, Im broken.

 

He did let me know that he forgives me and that he is sure our paths will cross again some day. Who knows if that is his way of letting me go nicely or if he is not closing the door completely. Until then, I must...move...on.

[L1ght]

My ex told me later, post breakup, that towards the end, I started to seem detached, not in the relationship. She was right, I was trying to figure out if it could work and at the same time trying to detach from what bothered me, in hopes that I could "accept" it and make the relationship work.

Its all about honesty. If you shut somebody out and don't explain why then it always leads to massive problems.

[L1ght]

Im struggling with the same thing. Its been NC since July 18th. I am still waiting for the day when I can say Im all good! Although, I am at the point where I am having good days instead of nothing but bad days. But when I do have my bad day, its a very bad day

 

I still can't wrap my head around how he just walked away. Everything seemed so perfect for the little time we had together. It was honestly something from the movies. And all because I bashed him via email, he walked. I can't blame him. He doesnt want any drama. But just to turn around and leave, Im broken.

 

He did let me know that he forgives me and that he is sure our paths will cross again some day. Who knows if that is his way of letting me go nicely or if he is not closing the door completely. Until then, I must...move...on.

Eventually you will give up asking questions in your mind. I do this thing now where I start to ask myself then I just laugh...I'm like "its just f*cking stupid! aw well" then I continue my day.

Just keep moving in the right direction and eventually you will feel the life coming back into your soul.