HOW can dumpers not want any more contact?

[Misfortune]

My ex told me later, post breakup, that towards the end, I started to seem detached, not in the relationship. She was right, I was trying to figure out if it could work and at the same time trying to detach from what bothered me, in hopes that I could "accept" it and make the relationship work.

 

Did you or her have someone else during all of the post breakup interactions?

[barky2]

I've read everything that's been posted up to this point, as I agree with a lot..I do have to drop my two pennies in here

 

 

The dumper, if it was a significant relationship, that meant anything to them, will always be thinking about you.

 

There will always be a piece of you in them.

 

Mind you if you were only together for a few months...meh maybe not..but years I'm talking.

 

 

Some dumpers are totally turned off of the thought of the dumped at first.

 

Sometimes it takes time to drop that and they get curious...anxious...have regret....ect.

 

Just because they are not blowing up your phone don't u think for a second you haven't crossed their mind.

 

OK maybe years later they may only think of you on occasion when something they see remind you of them and they get nostalgic.

 

Stop beating the crap out of yourself for chr*st sakes.

 

Go enjoy your damn life!!

 

You are a person who after this experience will be BETTER than you went into it as.

 

Start living every second for yourself for little while.

 

You will change, you will develope...and you sure as **** will get thru this and be happy again.

 

Put in the needed work to get thru this.

 

Its not easy.

 

We all have been there, and over time you'll see a pattern here on Ls, new members join, and have almost the exact same story as you, and as some of us helped you, lend a helping hand.

 

But I promise you one thing, you will be OK...and you will see the sunshine.

 

 

That's my mini rant.

 

Enjoy your Tuesday night.

 

Tonight me and the boys are going for 50c wings and beer...why sit in the house tonight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

BarkyBarky

[RiceaRoni]

 

Enjoy your Tuesday night.

 

Tonight me and the boys are going for 50c wings and beer...why sit in the house tonight?

 

 

 

 

 

 

BarkyBarky

 

 

Oh yeah 50 cent wings tonight!

[lindsay1990]

Honestly I think it is because they are dead sure of the break up and don't want to leave any room for doubts.

 

 

They may miss you, but they are sure enough that they don't want to reconcile so they don't want to risk you getting the slightest hope up.

[Helloprincess]

Do we have the same ex boyfriend?!

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago saying that if we get back together he wants to be 100% sure and at the mpment he wasnt, that right now (at the moment) it didnt feel right to be in a relationship... That we should take separte ways for a while cuz he wanted to live the single life

 

He also stopped talking to me. After 5 years!!!!!!!!!!! It's been 3 months that i do not talk to him and he doesnt talk to me.

 

I do not understand. Honestly i dont.

[lindsay1990]

Sounds like classic gigs.

 

Do we have the same ex boyfriend?!

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago saying that if we get back together he wants to be 100% sure and at the mpment he wasnt, that right now (at the moment) it didnt feel right to be in a relationship... That we should take separte ways for a while cuz he wanted to live the single life

 

He also stopped talking to me. After 5 years!!!!!!!!!!! It's been 3 months that i do not talk to him and he doesnt talk to me.

 

I do not understand. Honestly i dont.

[crederer]

I dunno, it could be a lot of reasons.

 

My most recent ex, I broke no contact with her and she immediately responded basically saying it's been super difficult for her to not talk to me and she misses me but she thought it was simply disrespectful to talk to me (or give bread crumbs, as people on here will call it) and give me false hope. It could be that.

 

Or it could be he's simply trying to move on and no longer cares what you're up to or what you're doing.

[hurts2death]

cant seem to understad that.....

a human that is so much unhonest and has double face and plays theatre while with you for a time period before they deump you how can they have conscience?

Wrong. Dumpers have plenty of conscience. Dumping you is a good sign of that, they don't want to lead you on.

[hurts2death]

but most dumpers in my opinion always...

 

are

 

-selfish

-check out earlier and fake to be with the dumpee thats why the dumpee says out of the blue and cant explain immediately what happened...

 

 

the best thing is when one of the two parties says that sth is worng or doesnt like to talk it honestly and if they cant solve it end it.....

 

but really is anything that cant be solved?

 

-john

[Simon Phoenix]

but most dumpers in my opinion always...

 

are

 

-selfish

-check out earlier and fake to be with the dumpee thats why the dumpee says out of the blue and cant explain immediately what happened...

 

 

the best thing is when one of the two parties says that sth is worng or doesnt like to talk it honestly and if they cant solve it end it.....

 

but really is anything that cant be solved?

 

-john

 

This is a really narrow view. Isn't it equally as selfish for a dumpee to demand a dumper stay in a relationship and try to work something out that they don't want to work out? Breakups suck, but it's inappropriate to vilify a dumper for dumping. Sometimes things don't work out and feelings change. A dumper is not evil when this happens.

[hurts2death]

i guess i am influenced by my situation

This is a really narrow view. Isn't it equally as selfish for a dumpee to demand a dumper stay in a relationship and try to work something out that they don't want to work out? Breakups suck, but it's inappropriate to vilify a dumper for dumping. Sometimes things don't work out and feelings change. A dumper is not evil when this happens.

[Simon Phoenix]

i guess i am influenced by my situation

 

I realize you are hurting, but one size doesn't fit all when it comes to dumpers. A lot of them have real difficulty pulling the trigger. Once they do, there are two ways to go about it -- stay in contact to try to make the other person feel better (which is the wrong way, it usually confuses the dumpee or gives them false hope and makes everything worst), or act cold/ignore them (which the dumpee also hates, but it helps the dumpee move on quicker).

 

I don't know your personal situation so I'm not commenting on it at all, just giving a general viewpoint.

[hurts2death]

i believe my friend i will have some girls just for the company as friends...

untill i get clean and in the meantime i focusing on loving me to the max making carreer.. then when all is forgotten but totaly forgotten i will go again taking my risks with full power hoping i will make it through to life partner...

till then we can make more points on the break ups...

 

cheers

john

Never a truer word spoken.

 

Odds are John, at some point in your life, you will dump someone. You'll be faced with the agonising decision of deliberately hurting someone in the short term, knowing that you're ultimately doing the right thing by them in the long term. I hope you'll do it right, but chances are, you'll balls it up, like we all have. Ending relationships takes experience and it is easy to preach, when you haven't faced it.

 

The bottom line is, if someone does not want to be with us any more, the kindest thing is to release them, and they us. And us them. In time, the OP, you, everyone on here who has been dumped, well see that.

[Nancy87]

I also cannot understand cutting someone off after years of a relationship. I had a 2 year LDR and we had a massive row and I dumped him. I later said could we be friends and he said no. He was mostly to blame for the break up as he was totally selfish but I was willing to be friends and not be childish. I don't understand the mentality of having someone in your life for that length of time and them knowing you inside and out and then cutting you off like you were just never there. He knows I had no intention of being with him permanently and I knew he didn't want to marry me. I think it is almost inhuman to cut someone off completely and shows real immaturity unless obviously they are crying into your phone every night. It is rather cruel and shows a mean streak to just not talk to someone or text.

I couldn't agree more!

[hurts2death]

friends would turn out friends with benefit.

 

if i stayed friends with my ex

 

my ancient dna code would make me want to bang her(3 year partner is like a wife and believe it or not nature makde us posses each other) which would happen eventually and could lead to me beating her current boyfriend and her ..

 

total mess.

 

the best is to go separate ways and when for both its just faint memories try friendship.....

 

BUT be sure you are over each other 101%

 

-john

[rachel88]

Do we have the same ex boyfriend?!

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 3 months ago saying that if we get back together he wants to be 100% sure and at the mpment he wasnt, that right now (at the moment) it didnt feel right to be in a relationship... That we should take separte ways for a while cuz he wanted to live the single life

 

He also stopped talking to me. After 5 years!!!!!!!!!!! It's been 3 months that i do not talk to him and he doesnt talk to me.

 

I do not understand. Honestly i dont.

Thank you Barky and others

 

Could be!!

 

I don't know either, I agree with the comment that the dumpers probably don't want to question their decision by talking to the dumpee who might make them doubt their decision (or make them feel guilty). They probably want to go whoooooooo freeedommmm and if they speak to the dumpee we'll just make them lose their new single-life buzz. I just feel like I deserve some sort of post-relationship aftercare?!

 

They must have put a lot of thought into the decision to break up and don't want to go back on it. But my main issue is with the willpower not to contact. I know it's not in my best interest to contact him, but every minute I'm trying to resist contacting him..so why don't they crack!?

 

I think they either don't care/have v.strong will power!

[hurts2death]

please remember yourself before the relationship. when someone you didnt like flirted you di you respond or avoid? thats a first scenario

 

second scenario

 

they care more about their selfs and they will be likethat forever...like this..you buy a car at the time is the top of the top but after 5 years you seem interested in the newer better different model so you leave the first and get in the new untill it becaomes exhausted and needs full service and you do it again..

 

they dont put into life as we think to or as we wanted them to..

 

they are selfcentered and take advantage of situations,,, that doesnt make them bad ofcourse . you just cant get in the circuit of their thinking...i am sure that my ex if she finds out i became famous succesfull and women wanted she will regret her decision fully..thats a fact and leads to this..i was a product to her with specifications. lol/

 

run away my friend dont look back

Thank you Barky and others

 

Could be!!

 

I don't know either, I agree with the comment that the dumpers probably don't want to question their decision by talking to the dumpee who might make them doubt their decision (or make them feel guilty). They probably want to go whoooooooo freeedommmm and if they speak to the dumpee we'll just make them lose their new single-life buzz. I just feel like I deserve some sort of post-relationship aftercare?!

 

They must have put a lot of thought into the decision to break up and don't want to go back on it. But my main issue is with the willpower not to contact. I know it's not in my best interest to contact him, but every minute I'm trying to resist contacting him..so why don't they crack!?

 

I think they either don't care/have v.strong will power!

[Babolat]

Its all about honesty. If you shut somebody out and don't explain why then it always leads to massive problems.

 

My "story" is a little different. I was dating who I think was a functional alcoholic.

 

I went to an Al-Anon meeting to try to figure things out. One of the things I hard over and over at the first meeting, was the best way to save the relationship was to emotionally detach from the "drinking", and what bothered you. So I tried to do this in an effort to make us "work", not to leave the relationship. And yes, I told her I went to the meeting, I told her I was reading and studying Codependency.

[Babolat]

Did you or her have someone else during all of the post breakup interactions?

 

If you mean dating someone else, seeing someone else, No. She was the only woman I was with. I developed a great friendship with a female during this time (actually near the end of the relationship), though we have never been romantic, nor do I want to date her. And the ex gf met her 2-3 times, I wanted her to.

[stillafool]

I would think it is a good thing that the dumpers don't contact you after the break up. It only confuses you and keeps you hoping to reconcile. What is the purpose to try to remain friends with someone you are in love with who isn't in love with you? If they aren't in love with you anymore isn't it the right thing to break up and not waste anymore of your precious time? I think it is more selfish to hold on to you knowing they aren't in love while waiting for someone better to come along. I do agree that most dumpers have checked out of the relationship long before they end it. It's very painful but dumpees are better off not hearing from them and moving through their grief and ultimately getting over it.

[rachel88]

Buttttt after EVERYTHING, years of being together, at the snap of fingers to go from those 3 years together to absolutely nothing!!! How can I do that. How can I/he be OK with that. What is the point!?

[hurts2death]

sometimes i force myself to answer it like that...

her brain got #$$#% she became crazy...

if you think it it is not 100% wrong

Buttttt after EVERYTHING, years of being together, at the snap of fingers to go from those 3 years together to absolutely nothing!!! How can I do that. How can I/he be OK with that. What is the point!?

[lauri]

Buttttt after EVERYTHING, years of being together, at the snap of fingers to go from those 3 years together to absolutely nothing!!! How can I do that. How can I/he be OK with that. What is the point!?

 

A lot of times they aren't okay with it. You never really know - but as far as I'm concerned I don't care about them not being okay with it anymore...I care more about fixing myself and moving forward as a person. To me, that is the MOST important thing to do and to stop worrying about someone who didn't care / love me enough to stay with me.

[hurts2death]

lauri thumbs up////

 

you couldnt get more square logic... and yes its logic we deal with anyway..if it was a tiny drop of passion or romance they would stay...

 

thumbs up body you seem to recover fast

[hurts2death]

me like this...

 

Wow that is how HE thinks I guess. I am surprised that you are a woman. People are not commodities. Enrich your life???? You mean using people is the key word. Nobdy can consistently enrich your life.