HOW can dumpers not want any more contact?

[lindsay1990]

Those who insist on an ex remaining their friend are displaying a selfishness and an expectation that the person they just dumped, should be grateful they're being offered the friendship.

 

It's called a consolation prize and for most people, is only hurtful.

 

 

Yes! To me this is a bit like saying "Well, even though I don't think you're girlfriend/wife material anymore, I'm willing to hang out for a bit so you can wean yourself off me a bit (and at the same time I don't look like a callous jerk)".

 

For me, this offer only added insult to injury and was met with a resounding "Don't do me any favors!". Ha.

[lindsay1990]

Thanks aspiring!

 

To me this is also the ultimate reason I would eventually deny my ex friendship. And I *do* mean deny in the most selfish and petty way possible, because he was monstrous in our break up but (stupidly and beggingly) I stayed at our shared apartment for over three weeks, pleading and waiting for my original departure date to my home country.

 

Because of this, despite the nightmarish situation I experienced in that apartment, some people even said "it couldn't have been that bad if I stayed three weeks". ButI honestly was not thinking straight while I was there, and I had no place to go as my family lives like I said in another country and my friends from grad school had left already, so I was too alone and desperate. Thus, me denying him friendship no matter how indifferent or forgiving I become in the future, is my only vindication of saying "No. This was not just a bad match, you were horrible to me and you are not friend much less acquaintance material to me now after how you treated me".

Edited September 18, 2013 by lindsay1990

[hestheone66]

If you lose respect for someone you are in a relationship with, how is it possible to move forward? How can you solve betrayal or hurt? Sometimes the dumper has tried to express themselves and their viewpoint not acknowledged..the dumper knows he or she osnt being heard. They leave..the person left behind cant understand and NOW wants to talk it out..they are so caught up im. Themselves still and the reality of the situation does not match their magical thinking. Too many ppl get attached to others with little or no baxsi basic compatibility.The dumper may have more wisdom and nc is tough love allowing moving on even tho it seems cruel

[No_closure]

This is a great thread and sheds a lot of light on situations. My situation is married for 10 months, together for 4 years and he literally ABANDONED me. Said he loved me, promised to be back, then ended it in a TEXT MESSAGE! He has no shred of remorse. Everything was fine besides stress from just starting college (we are 23, and 21 so yes age is a huge factor in this situation)

 

But god he is doing such awful things to me and lashing out at my family cursing at them in text messages when he was SO SHY and INNOCENT throughout our 4 years together. Seriously, so quiet. And then literally over night went crazy and decided to walk out on me! He got his ears pierced, signed up for the gym, signed up for tanning THE SAME DAY HE LEFT!

 

This was almost 3 weeks ago. I am still in shock, still in pain, still confused. I am on NC for over a week but he has emailed pleading BEGGING for our dog. I have not responded because I have NO IDEA WHO HE IS! This is the guy I loved and trusted and did EVERYTHING for and he just flipped a switch and ran away.

 

Edit: I ruled cheating out. Found his new facebook and he is all by himself, no one commenting on his stuff or liking his stuff. He looks like he is on drugs, something is wrong with his eyes. He looks crazy...

Edited September 19, 2013 by No_closure

[rachel88]

Thank you everyone for your replies and input, I've read them all

 

I agree that I want to be weaned off contact and not go cold turkey! That's exactly how I feel, that I want it to be a gentle decline of contact.

 

I was going to contact him last week but left my phone at home, when I got back in I went to my phone to text him...and had a text from him....we had a convo about general stuff, the usual how are you, hows work etc.

 

My friends think he's only messaged me because I said that I thought it was weird to go from 3 years to nothing, so he's throwing me a bone. I don't think he'd ever be that considerate and maybe he was just curious cos I hadn't spoken to him in weeks...I'll never know!

[reddragon588]

My friends think he's only messaged me because I said that I thought it was weird to go from 3 years to nothing, so he's throwing me a bone. I don't think he'd ever be that considerate and maybe he was just curious cos I hadn't spoken to him in weeks...I'll never know!

 

That would be the opposite of considerate.

 

It might be harder to swallow, but the proper thing for the ex to do is stay completely away.

 

My ex is immature in many ways, but she has had the maturity to at least respect (for the most part at least) my request that she not contact me anymore. It's been really hard, but I'm so much further along in recovery since the contact between us ended.

 

I would suggest you consider doing the same. Continued contact is only going to hurt.

[BC1980]

I was the dumpee and had to end up being the one to request NC. My ex kept contacting me, texting, wanting to meet up. Kept saying he might want to get back together but was unsure. So I had to be the one to finally end the insanity. Truly, his actions were selfish. He wanted to keep me tethered in case he changed his mind. You don't realize how much better it is to have an ex who will totally cut communication because oftentimes the dumpee isn't strong enough to do it in the beginning.

[halifaxboy]

I think for the most part that woman are much better at being the dumper and never looking back, contacting, etc. I also agree that they do check out months before they actually break it off for good. Men seem to play more games as the dumper and i don't know if men feel more guilty as there motives for breaking up are different, and thats why they contact whereas women seem to be emotionally exhausted for waht ever reason during the relationship and move on without anymore contact with the source of exhaustion..lol. I say this as a male, having been dumped by a couple women Thoughts?

[organizedchaos]

Buttttt after EVERYTHING, years of being together, at the snap of fingers to go from those 3 years together to absolutely nothing!!! How can I do that. How can I/he be OK with that. What is the point!?

 

I'm in the same boat. Together with her for 3 years, so many good memories. And she ends it b/c she "doesn't know what she wants" and "doesn't know where it's going". Even after I told her I saw a future together.

 

Anyway, I can relate to the whole "how can she go from being in my life every single day to now no contact at all. It's painful. It's been 2 months with on and off again contact but now I'm trying NC for past 2 weeks and it's hard.

[BC1980]

I think for the most part that woman are much better at being the dumper and never looking back, contacting, etc. I also agree that they do check out months before they actually break it off for good. Men seem to play more games as the dumper and i don't know if men feel more guilty as there motives for breaking up are different, and thats why they contact whereas women seem to be emotionally exhausted for waht ever reason during the relationship and move on without anymore contact with the source of exhaustion..lol. I say this as a male, having been dumped by a couple women Thoughts?

 

I think this is valid in a general sense. Women are much more introspective and likely to have brought issues to their partner before breaking up. Men are "fixers," more likely to try to fix the relationship themselves and not bring complaints to the woman. This is what my experience has been. I think that men respond to distance more so because they have a more difficult time being bombarded with emotions by a female partner. So the distance does make them see the relationship through rose colored glasses.

 

Again, this doesn't apply to everyone, but just what I have noticed to be differences in men and women.

[Sugarkane]

I also don't know how dumpers can't want contact. My ex dumped me by text out of the blue, left things completely unresolved and never spoke to me again. 3 years NC unbroken. Thoughts?

Edited September 25, 2013 by Sugarkane

[BC1980]

I also don't know how dumpers can't want contact. My ex dumped me by text out of the blue, left things completely unresolved and never spoke to me again. 3 years NC unbroken. Thoughts?

 

It's just different for everyone. You can't get inside someone's head, and people have different reasons for doing what they do. Some don't want to face a drawn out breakup, some just want to start healing and move on, for some it's too painful to keep in contact. There are a myriad of reasons a dumper will or will not keep contact.

 

I think my ex was just too weak to pull the final trigger, so he basically forced me to do it. I'm sure he didn't think of it on that level, but I view it that way. Once again, I was left to make the final decision. When I look back, that behavior is so in line with how he acts about anything in life. Wanting others to make decisions for him. It came as no surprise really, and it was a red flag that I ignored time and time again.

[Sugarkane]

Not in his mind. It was finished, he was finished.

He didn't even try to communicate, expected me read minds, did a 180 then dumped me cruelly.

[lindsay1990]

Oh, when I went running down the block after my ex saying "it was just a fight" he pulled a "I've been miserable for weeks!!!!!", I said "Why didn't you tell me?" and he whined "YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!"

 

 

Gee, on behalf of myself and the relationship, thanks. This didn't keep him from spilling the beans of the past entire month to his mother 15 minutes later, though. At the end, she knew more than me. But yeah... I guess we should read mind.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know how they can't wonder what if sometimes. I have with someone I've dumped, but I suppose I'm the exception because I didn't already have someone lined up and was depressed.

[lindsay1990]

I also don't know how dumpers can't want contact. My ex dumped me by text out of the blue, left things completely unresolved and never spoke to me again. 3 years NC unbroken. Thoughts?

 

This is crazy. And scary.

[NoMoreJerks]

OP, would you much rather get breadcrumbs? They are not an indication that they care(d) about you. My ex sent me an email, and 2 texts after his 4th break-up with me, in the text he was asking me how I was doing and telling me to take care of myself; and let me tell you, it does not mean that he gives a sh*t. It's just a way for him to assuage a guilty conscience.

[Sugarkane]

Not in his mind. It was finished, he was finished.

I don't know why. It's pretty hard to find someone with a conscious these days and actually willing to be mature.

[BC1980]

I hate when that happens. Sometimes that puts you in the weird position of being the dumper, but feeling the emotions of the dumpee.

 

Horrible.

 

It did feel like I was dumping him. He turned it around on me, saying I was pulling away and never called him anymore. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I would not answer this man's text messages for a day sometimes, but he would come right back with more.

 

I felt like he hung me out to dry by dumping me but making me pull the final trigger to bury the d*mn thing. He basically forced my hand. It was sad because I had to end up feeling bad that I asked him to stop contacting me. It truly breaks my heart to think of him as lonely, but he was an emotional leech in the end. It was like dead weight I had to carry around. He's such a wreck emotionally, but there was no way I could stick around for that.

 

I always knew I was going to have to be the strong one and end things if it came to it. I honestly think it's just a character flaw and something you can't fix. He has such low regard for himself that he is unable to make any decision in his life. I learned a huge lesson to run for the border if a guy shows any of these indecisive symptoms. Don't stop on GO and collect $200.00, just keep moving.

[rachel88]

OP, would you much rather get breadcrumbs? They are not an indication that they care(d) about you. My ex sent me an email, and 2 texts after his 4th break-up with me, in the text he was asking me how I was doing and telling me to take care of myself; and let me tell you, it does not mean that he gives a sh*t. It's just a way for him to assuage a guilty conscience.

I think it's difficult both ways, If he didn't message me I would think he was just over it and that would upset me, and when he does text I suppose it plays on my mind for days (...weeks) on why he sent the message.

 

I'm now quite annoyed I replied to his texts, because it probably just relieved his guilt, but then if I don't reply I think I'd look petty. He's initiated contact the last 3 times and I don't plan on contacting him again!

 

The thing is, I've been the dumper, where 3 months later I went completely mad and did everything to try and get my ex back (he said no). So I've had the dumpers experience. When my ex would give me cold replies to texts early on I was just confused and kind of like 'what's his problem?!' ...I was super cold and emotionless back then though!

[Sugarkane]

Rubbish, those people are everywhere!

No there not! Or we would all still be with our high school sweethearts. Just look at all the people on here you have been dumped and cheated on for someone else. Or dumped by Facebook, email or text like me. If it was that easy I would've had to date frogs online after the breakup that sent me here. I did everything right after the breakup and got double betrayed.

[Sugarkane]

Rubbish, those people are everywhere!

If so I would've been left friendless and depressed, while everyone took my lying, cheating Ahole exes side.

[Sugarkane]

There are plenty of nice, amazing people in the world, and the entire population should but be tarred and feathered because of the actions of some low-lifes.

 

This site is a breeding ground for unhappy people. This is not a snapshot of what the world is like

It hasn't been easy for me or others I know, to find someone who actually conscious. Seems like most people don't have any morals these days. And would be happy to betray you. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many posts on here.

[Sugarkane]

There are plenty of nice, amazing people in the world, and the entire population should but be tarred and feathered because of the actions of some low-lifes.

 

This site is a breeding ground for unhappy people. This is not a snapshot of what the world is like

Of coarse people are unhappy on here. Many have been betrayed! I've found even platonically, people are happy to betray/exclude you, just as long as they're not excluded from the group themselves.

[flight E]

Which ever way being dumped sucks

 

The pain is much forcing myself to eat, think of anything else, work. All I do is read loveshack all day.

 

But contact; never. It's not about healing or getting back together. I just will not give someone the egotrip to make them feel better abt themselves. I will rather be dead. Learnt the hard way