Shes 42 and I'm 30

[s3141377]

I have used the above phrase to summarize my concern. Basically I am interested in a women that is 12 years older than me. It has been mutual friends for close to 6 months however, I am getting emotional attached without any sexual contact.

 

Here are my concerns:

1.Her age gap?

2. Her natural decrease in fertility and her higher possibility of pregnancy dangers for the child and the mother.

3.I am a Virgin and 30 years old (due to religious convictions)

4. Her ex is one of my friends by pure coincidence (they are no longer together)

5. The same ex is now dating my best friends sisters, again by pure coincidence.

6. I know virtually all the details of her passed relationship.

7.She doesn't know that I know.

8. I am thinking of her both day and night. She weighs my heart down.

 

All these complications and passion for her is making me physiologically sick. I am not sure how to resolve this issue. Has anybody gone through similar circumstances and perhaps have any advise?

Edited September 17, 2013 by s3141377

[Balzac]

Does she want babies?

[s3141377]

I can only assume she still does.... based on knowledge her getting her eggs frozen while she was with her ex.

[Balzac]

Worrying about her eggs isn't a factor then.

 

Why are you reluctant to approach her about a romance?

[s3141377]

Worrying about her eggs isn't a factor then.

 

Why are you reluctant to approach her about a romance?

 

I guess for the reasons stated in my opening address..

 

and also not sure if the grass is greener on the other side.. ( As in given her age, I could be limiting myself with potential relationship with a younger girl, closer to my age)

 

but at the same time I can't help how i feel towards her, I'm burning:love:

[pteromom]

Forget how you FEEL about her for a moment.

 

Do you want just sex from her, or to build a long-term relationship? If you just want sex... well, see if she is open to it.

 

If you want a long-term relationship/marriage:

 

Do you like who she is as a person?

Do her values line up with yours?

Do you even know that she is interested in dating you?

Do you know what her life goals are?

Are you ok with the thought that when you are 40, she'll be 52? And when you are 50, she'll be 62?

Do YOU want kids? If so, even though she has frozen eggs, she would need to get moving on it really really quickly, so you wouldn't have much time to just enjoy each other as a couple.

 

Consider that your burning for her may be just because she's a friend and single and available, and you are a virgin, and it may not be her specifically at all. You may want to try dating some other people and see if your feelings for her remain.

[darkmoon]

a lot of people would not give a hoot about who knew who and how, too busy worrying about their own problems and things

[s3141377]

Do you want just sex from her, or to build a long-term relationship?

I want to build a long term relationship.

 

If you want a long-term relationship/marriage:

Do you like who she is as a person?

Yes, However I must say there is still a facade of mutual friends, at least superficially. In other words she hasn't open up and expressed herself, she seems somewhat guarded, however I guess I haven't been total open either. Perhaps she is mirroring me.

 

Do her values line up with yours?

Again, values haven't been discussed as it is somewhat of a loaded question. It reveals my intentions somewhat and would possibly fracture the friendship. (Which I willing to do, however I want be sure I want her first)

 

Do you even know that she is interested in dating you?

Well I can only guess.... and go off events and friends comments. see below:

 

I.e.

1. I had a BBQ and invited her over with a bunch of other couples.

I basically invited her last minute and she canceled her plans to attend.

2. My mates girl friend approached me and asked me what the f8ck I was doing, she then insisted that she could read her as clear as book and that she waiting for me to make a move.

3. She general makes herself available to attend functions and events l enjoy going to. i.e (live bans, festivals etc..)

4. She insists on shouting me drinks and paying for tickets

5. She gave me a valuable gift for my 30th birthday.

6. When I hold her hand when dancing she looks away shyly and smiles.

8. She gave me her car to borrow to take my mates to the airport.

...etc

Do you know what her life goals are?

No not specifically, again a loaded question.

 

Are you ok with the thought that when you are 40, she'll be 52? And when you are 50, she'll be 62?

It bothers me a little, but the question is can I overcome this? She basically looks 10 years younger than she actually is. My mates and my brother though she was between 28 to 34.

 

Do YOU want kids? If so, even though she has frozen eggs, she would need to get moving on it really really quickly, so you wouldn't have much time to just enjoy each other as a couple.

Yes, I do want kids. I do acknowledge that she has limited time in terms of child bearing and hence the demands of me would be total commitment.

 

Consider that your burning for her may be just because she's a friend and single and available, and you are a virgin, and it may not be her specifically at all. You may want to try dating some other people and see if your feelings for her remain.

I am presently having trouble even thinking of other women in a sexual fashion. Edited September 17, 2013 by s3141377

[todreaminblue]

It really comes down to what you would like doesnt it......

 

 

if a friend of yours told you she is waiting then you can either make a move or not......

 

the age gap is considerable...it can work....but it is something that others may not see as appropriate.....you will cop flak and so will she.....if you truly car about someone then that flak is insignificant.....and eventually it will fade when something new comes along to gossip about......that is a given

 

 

when you say burning.....do you feel infatuated...and if you feel that a younger woman might come along......maybe you should wait for that younger woman....

 

i do know that holding strong feelings for someone is something that can make you sick ....

 

 

 

if you feel you should wait for someone who is closer to your own age ....

 

 

you have to go no contact with her to let that passion subside and fade off ....when you havent actually done anything intimate with someone its a lot easier to go no contact and let those feelings fade.....

 

 

you have to take the age as a significant factor in the relationship......but realize age is not a reason why relationships fail......probably rarely is it due to age of the people in the relationship....but more values and beliefs and the ability to work through things that happen...... my grandfather was younger than my grandmother considerably...the women in my family always look younger than what we are apparently, i think i look older...my grandparents were together till the end and will be together for all eternity.......they had a very passionate relationship...up until my grandmother had a quadruple ehart by pass....he loved her till her death ten years later........he died twelve months to the day after her death...he died of a broken heart.....it was a true love story..that will be retold to future family.lol...i have a very passionate family so i understand passion.....

 

 

all i can say is follow your heart...pray and ask for guidance with all the religious conviction that you have in that heart of yours and i wish you much love and happiness...and yes passion in your future ...with whoever you are with...good luck...deb

Edited September 17, 2013 by todreaminblue

[pteromom]

She basically looks 10 years younger than she actually is.

 

This will change as she hits menopausal years (very soon!)

 

Age ALWAYS wins. Unless she has a lot of money and a very good plastic surgeon.

[pteromom]

Yes, I do want kids. I do acknowledge that she has limited time in terms of child bearing and hence the demands of me would be total commitment.

 

And you don't even know enough about her to know that a long-term relationship is a good idea.

 

So - why not just ask her out on a date and take it from there? Evaluate her interest, values, goals, etc. and get to know her as more than a friend. See what happens.

[s3141377]

Here's the thing, I don't think I care anymore....I want her.

[SuperGeek]

I'm going to get totally destroyed for saying this here.

 

You haven't dated her, yet you've been getting attached to her emotionally for 6 months. you could be friendzoned at this point and not even know it.

 

You arne't experienced with sex (due to your religious reasons) yet she's 42 and probably a wild cat. I highly doubt she's a virgin too so I really hope your sexual compatibility lines up.... yikes...

 

You have a huge gap in age and like another poster said, she's apporaching menopause years and life will get a lot different in this relationship in just 5 years (when you are 35). She is at a much larger risk than you are due to this age gap and the fact that you are younger. Men tend to be more visual (except when it comes to women and height of their man) so you really need to be honest with yourself if you can handle the aging aspect of this over the next 5-15 years and beyond. If you can't say 100% YES to this aspect, then you should NOT get involved with her.

 

Now if you wern't so religious, I'd tell you just to have a fling and then move on, because women in their 40s are extremely good in bed (lol). But since you are bound by a higher moral authority, you should skip this whole thing together and keep her as a friend.

 

I dated a 36 yr old when I was 23 and while it was LOTS of fun in the bedroom for a few months, it was clear that after the oxytocin wore off, that I wasn't going to be having her kids any time soon. She needed an older man and I wasn't that guy. I'm so glad she dumped my ass, even though I was bummed a the time.

 

Just my view, take it or leave it.

Edited September 18, 2013 by SuperGeek

[mea_M]

Here's the thing, I don't think I care anymore....I want her.

 

Then go for it. Age does not have to be a factor. Plus, many woman are having kids well into there 40's. We have modern medicine to thank for that. Do you know ya miss 100 % percent of the shots you dont take! Wayne Gretzky said that.Why live with regret?

 

Mea:)

[DivorcedSingles]

Hi,

 

I don't know what kind of love you are talking about? When we feel love for some one, we only think about how to get her/him where questions and doubts become meaningless because these are resolved automatically in side our subconscious; ask your self any question or doubt and if you get an answer you are really in love.

 

Thanks

[bubbaganoosh]

Your 30. She's 42. In fifteen years you 45, she's 57. You can't turn back the hands of time.

 

She might be a really nice lady and she's flattered to pieces that a man twelve years younger is interested in her and your a 30 year old virgin.

 

My advice to you is find someone closer to your age. Someone is going to get hurt and it will be her. I don't think you want that and she doesn't deserve it either.

 

Your hormones have finally kicked in and she's trying to be a woman that is much younger. It's not a good situation.

[writergal]

As a 42 year old woman myself, there's no way I'd ever date a 30 year old man because that 12 years is too wide an age gap for any sort of relationship to survive and be successful.

 

Age gaps mean:

 

different priorities

different incomes

different values, morals

different generation

different life goals

different life stages

different health problems

different social circles

 

 

The list of realistic differences concerning huge age gaps is endless.

 

Find a woman your own age to date. I guarantee that is a better choice, unless you are okay with this woman aging faster than a speeding bullet (menopause, age spots on skin, wrinkled face, etc.) than you, or essentially bossing you around. Ever see the movie Cocktail? Tom Cruise's character has a brief affair with an older woman who wants to basically boss him around so he leaves her and she throws a huge tantrum.

 

Unless you are financially stable, own your own home, etc. then I wouldn't pursue this woman because it will only lead to heartbreak for you both.

 

Lust fades with time. Just wait it out and try to date women in your age bracket.

Edited September 18, 2013 by writergal

[s3141377]

I need to clear up a few ambiguities.... here's the thing...

I haven't really asked her age!

 

I only have a really good idea at best.. let me explain.

 

[because I have been in the friendship zone for the past 6 months, I haven't asked her directly "How old are you?" Because it's a loaded question, that implies, 'I'm interested if your in a specific age range.' Especially now anyway so that's not an option.

 

So to avoid such confrontations, I asked a number of third parties.

1. I asked my mate to asked her when she graduated from university and she replied "it was ages ago". he even asked a follow up question.. 'what year was that specifically?".. to which she replied "years ago".

 

2. Even when I confronted her ex-boy friend (whom I coincidentally happens to be mates with prior to meeting her, but he never brought her along to group socials, so I never knew they where together until later), Anyways, he refused to answer me. He simply said he doesn't want to get involved.. I insisted and asked why it was such a big deal? he simply repeated himself...(This kinda rises questions , perhaps he didn't know her age, despite being with her for two years...He's well know for being a womanizer)

 

(Now the ex's age is 33 years old, now remember this one)

 

4. While I was in the toilet my mate open up and said to her that he was 41 years old and divorced and had one child, he then asked her how old she was, to which she responded " yeah I'm around the same age"

 

(Now this type response can hint between the ages of say 35 to 40something, and can be said to make others feel accepted)

 

5. Now her ex is a bit more open to my cousin, so my cousin asked him, he said she was apparently 39 while they where dating in 2011.

 

6. I shown photos to around 15 different people and they all said between the ages of 28 to 36.

 

7. Her friends that hang around her social group, look clearly in their 40's.

 

I know this is kind of insane....,

Edited September 18, 2013 by s3141377

[s3141377]

Lust fades with time. Just wait it out and try to date women in your age bracket.

 

Let me make this clear, this isn't purely sexual, labito driven etc..

 

Whats making this so hard, is that it's more on the emotional / companionship side.

 

---It's hard to describe.. the best way I can describe the feeling is.... its like a constant and continuous heart aching that's there when you wake up and fall asleep, which fluctuates in intensity throughout the day.

It cripples my thinking and it feels like I am on adrenaline the whole day.

 

This feeling hit me suddenly, three weeks ago and hasn't left.

 

The issue for me now is: when should I ask? and how should I ask?

I can assure you walking away from this is not an option, I rather be "kick in the teeth" metaphorically speaking and be flat out rejected.

Edited September 18, 2013 by s3141377

[s3141377]

I really want to tell her in the next few days.

 

Possibly tonight.. whats the best way to break it to her?

 

Invited her for coffee or dinner?

 

and Say

 

1. I am curious as to know whether you would be interested in dating?

- I really like you and I would like to get to know you better?

wait for responds....

 

She says No......I say, that's cool I'm glad we had this chat....cya

 

She says Yes..... I say, That's great!! What are you doing on.. let go to so and so?

 

Is it important to show affection if she says Yes?

Might try to hold her hand or something...

I am total inexperienced, help.... .....I"ve never kissed women either...

Should I tell her I'm a Virgin and never been kissed?

How honest should I be? might scare her off if I tell her the complete truth.....

Edited September 19, 2013 by s3141377

[s3141377]

I finally asked her out ...

[GorillaTheater]

I finally asked her out ...

 

What did she say?

 

And who else would like to see Red Robin and Disenchanted weigh in on this thread?

[Babolat]

I need to clear up a few ambiguities.... here's the thing...

 

I haven't really asked her age!

 

I only have a really good idea at best.. let me explain.

 

[because I have been in the friendship zone for the past 6 months, I haven't asked her directly "How old are you?" Because it's a loaded question, that implies, 'I'm interested if your in a specific age range.' Especially now anyway so that's not an option.

 

So to avoid such confrontations, I asked a number of third parties.

1. I asked my mate to asked her when she graduated from university and she replied "it was ages ago". he even asked a follow up question.. 'what year was that specifically?".. to which she replied "years ago".

 

2. Even when I confronted her ex-boy friend (whom I coincidentally happens to be mates with prior to meeting her, but he never brought her along to group socials, so I never knew they where together until later), Anyways, he refused to answer me. He simply said he doesn't want to get involved.. I insisted and asked why it was such a big deal? he simply repeated himself...(This kinda rises questions , perhaps he didn't know her age, despite being with her for two years...He's well know for being a womanizer)

 

(Now the ex's age is 33 years old, now remember this one)

 

4. While I was in the toilet my mate open up and said to her that he was 41 years old and divorced and had one child, he then asked her how old she was, to which she responded " yeah I'm around the same age"

 

(Now this type response can hint between the ages of say 35 to 40something, and can be said to make others feel accepted)

 

5. Now her ex is a bit more open to my cousin, so my cousin asked him, he said she was apparently 39 while they where dating in 2011.

 

6. I shown photos to around 15 different people and they all said between the ages of 28 to 36.

 

7. Her friends that hang around her social group, look clearly in their 40's.

 

I know this is kind of insane....,

 

Sorry for saying this, but for being friends with this lady for 6 months, you sure do not know a lot about her. Earlier you stated you did not know her values, now here age..what have you guys been doing together anyway?

 

You "confronted" her ex boyfriend? Really?

 

Sounds like you have the hots for her more than anything else. Otherwise, you would know more about her at this point.

 

So, simply talk to her about sex, is she interested, stop guessing.

[mea_M]

I finally asked her out ...

 

Oh how did it go?

 

mea:)

[s3141377]

...sparing everyone the winded text messaging... she basically said, "Yes".

 

So, I can safely assume she's somewhat interested. But how much..... remians to be answered?

 

I now, basically need to organize a restaurant and decide weather I should take her to a:

a. Fine Dinning Restaurant

b.Semi/casual Restaurant

 

Any ideas?