Going on vacation with MM tomorrow

[C00kie]

Just out of curiosity, who is paying for the vacation (since you say he doesn't earn that much) - you or his wife?

 

Certainly not this wife. We live different towns. When he comes to see me, he pays his travel (they have a shared accound, but he also has an account of his own - I know this for sure) and stays at my house; this time, we came to a hotel because it's my summer (now autumn) vacation and I paid for the hotel. We're sharing restaurant bills for now. However, if he stayed for longer, I know he couldn't afford to pay.

 

When I go see him, we meet at a town where his sister has two houses and we stay there.

[C00kie]

Plus, without his wife he wouldn't be able to go away for 2 weeks, up to a month at a time while someone sits at home and watches his mother for him. Honestly, Cookie, would YOU be ok with him doing that to you? Do you think he will change that habit after he leaves his wife for you? And if suddenly he does have to do that, how would YOU feel about it? Would you be able to 100% trust him?

 

His mother has a few (minor) health problems related to age but she's capable of looking after herself - and she's not alone. His wife works during the day but he asked his office secretary to go work at his house, from his pc, during the time he's away, in case his mother needs anything. Might seem strange but it's a small town and everyone's really down to earth.

 

As to the question - would I be able to 100% trust him? Not right now, no...it would take a lot for me to be able to trust him.

[Goodbye]

Certainly not this wife. We live different towns. When he comes to see me, he pays his travel (they have a shared accound, but he also has an account of his own - I know this for sure) and stays at my house; this time, we came to a hotel because it's my summer (now autumn) vacation and I paid for the hotel. We're sharing restaurant bills for now. However, if he stayed for longer, I know he couldn't afford to pay.

 

When I go see him, we meet at a town where his sister has two houses and we stay there.

 

 

I think the point was that he is married, and therefore it is their money, not his. Because it is a marital asset (unless he is writing it all off as a business expense), he is, in fact, spending her money on his mistress.

[C00kie]

I can guarentee you this is not how it goes at all.

 

I'm assuming he's in a business where regular travelling is required and that's what he tells her.

 

It's not like that. She knows it's not a business travel. He told her he would take some time for himself. I know this for sure, it has happened before. These days he was checking his e-mail next to me and I was able to read where she said "your brothers are wondering where you went on vacation".

 

EVEN if he told her he was on business: is this a good enough excuse for he not to call her for 2 or 3 days? Some days he doesn't even access the internet. His mobile is off because roaming would be way too expensive. And she knows where he is, but thinks he's alone (unless she's suspicious). She just doesn't know which hotel and its also too far for her to eventually come look for us.

 

2 week business trips? Up to a month business trips? On a regular basis? With low contact? Sorry, whether she's an idiot (don't give me that "she trusts him and has no clue talk") or she's playing along.

Edited September 30, 2013 by C00kie

[C00kie]

I think the point was that he is married, and therefore it is their money, not his. Because it is a marital asset (unless he is writing it all off as a business expense), he is, in fact, spending her money on his mistress.

 

Sorry but I don't agree. Spending his income is one thing, spending his wife's another.

[C00kie]

 

She will always be in your lives on some level, especially if she and her MIL are close, it's not like so many years of bonding and being in laws will cut their cord.

 

 

Just think ahead with a bit more objective mind. Take a step back and really think things through. Fantasy/desire/wishes and hopes vs real life, reality and the stuff you two will be facing IF he does divorce. Along with his job and future changes in career as well.

 

They're not very close, and I've heard his mother complaining about her on the phone. Yes, we've talked on the phone. She knows I exist and knows his feelings towards me, but I know she fears changes that could affect her.

 

Great advice. I will thank you.

[jlola]

I hope the BS wakes up soon and leaves everyone to fend for themselves. It seems mother-in-law is unappreciative also of her "financial' help.

[C00kie]

I hope the BS wakes up soon and leaves everyone to fend for themselves. It seems mother-in-law is unappreciative also of her "financial' help.

 

I hope so too! LOL

 

Seriously. She complains that she doesn't care and treats her with indifference. Says that if she's feeling sick or something, and even if the BS is home, tells her to get a cab to the hospital and doesn't take her there, so MM has to leave work on purpose to take her. Who knows.

[Goodbye]

Sorry but I don't agree. Spending his income is one thing, spending his wife's another.

 

 

Yes, my exH didn't agree with that either...but he learned otherwise during our divorce.

[C00kie]

Unless these are funds that he earned prior to the marriage with a business that he started before her... or are inherited funds, or maybe some military pensions... then it IS her income, whether or not it is sitting in an account with his name alone. If they were to get a divorce she would have as much right to the money in that account as anything else. Marital assets are tricky. It is not as easy as what is hers is hers, what is mine is mine.

 

So he's probably carrying on his affair on his wife's and your dime. Nice.

 

I know people might say I'm in denial or that I don't want to accept reality, but sometimes I think people here are really good at twisting things.

[ComingInHot]

COOkie, you only have a short time left on this vacation. Talk to MM!! If you can't or he won't , there is definitely a problem.

But you should be w/Him not us right now either enjoying him on he & his Wife's dime (sorry couldn't help it)* or getting this crap out on the table once and for all.

[lollipopspot]

One of these nights I got anxious and asked him how I could be sure that he'd never cheat on me, since he cheats on her. He wasn't happy with the question. He said his actions towards me should speak for themselves and that I was being inconvenient, because that kind of conversation would easily lead to a fight which could spoil our holiday and that we should make the most of our time. I asked when it would be convenient then. Over the phone? We live long distance. I understand that it's an umcomfortable thing for him to talk about, avoiding the issue and expecting me to be fine with everything would be just perfect for him, but I'm not iron woman. I know I tend to be clingy, but I'm not in the wrong here.

 

Then the thoughts of him having sex with her. Even if it doesn't happen much, I'm sure it does. Then I wonder if they take precautions so that she doesn't get pregnant. Bah, these thoughts are sickening...then, when he eventually calls her, leaves for another room, closes the door (argh, that awful feeling...wondering what he's telling her, wondering if there are I love yous and I miss yous)...it's really a kick in the stomach living with this...but I knew it would be like this when I booked this holiday, I know a relationship with a MM couldn't be much different.

 

This sounds like hell. I think if someone is willing to be an other woman/man, they have to kind of suck up and deal with this inevitable emotional drama and insecurity. It seems like it goes with the terrain. I definitely understand how relationships like this can happen - life isn't black and white - but this seems like par for the course in this kind of relationship.