Should I Tell Her This?

[Cabras]

After a long weekend of my ex moving out she is down to some furniture that she will be taking away tonight. I saw her two times this weekend and completely avoided talking about our future or our relationship. We did talk about some good and bad times we had in the past, but that was it.

 

She was very cold and distant when I first spoke to her both times, but after a bit she thawed a bit and actually smiled and relaxed some. She was loading boxes into her car and I gave her a hand. She finally actually smiled and thanked me.

 

OK, so tonight is the last time I may see her for a while. She has been completely avoiding me other than to talk about moving.

 

Would this cause any harm if I pull her aside quickly before she leaves and tell her "I love you completely and I do want to be the person that makes you happy. Most of all I want to see you happy."

 

It is similar to something I read in "How to get your lover back." It seems non-threatening, but also really says what I am feeling.

 

She is still having some serious jealousy issues. I told her Saturday I was going out to dinner and with five minutes she was questioning me about it. I explained I was going to dinner with some of our friends and what she said next shocked me. She accused me of going out to dinner with a woman I have coached in sports for years and have ZERO/ZILCH/NO interest in whatsoever. I had to tell her exactly who I was going out with to get her to believe me. She tells our friends I am working out to find a NEW girlfriend. This is nuts.

 

Then she told me that if I was going to date someone she understood and wanted me to know that. (sounded like a guilty conscience to me) It did remind me of all those times she would tell me that she was okay with me doing something (going out with the guys,skipping a date with her,etc..) and then she would get upset with me afterwards.

 

Does this jealousy help me get her back? We are going to have to really work on it if we do get back together. Can this jealousy drive her away from me if she truly believes I am dating all these new people and not really trying to get her back in my life?

[HokeyReligions]

Contrary to popular belief, Love does NOT conquer all.

 

I know that its difficult to let go and move on when you still have deep feelings for someone, but is it really worth it to live with her possessive jealousy? It may keep getting worse. Giving her an anchor like saying "I love you completely and I do want to be the person that makes you happy. Most of all I want to see you happy" is only going to enable her to use/abuse your feelings. I don't buy into the fallacy that love at all costs equals happiness.

 

Is she in counseling? Have you asked her to go to counselling? Have you offered to go with her? Have you put your foot down and told her that you love her, but that her jealously is unhealthy and driving you apart and that SHE needs to deal it before you can discuss getting back together?

[lostNconfusedx10]

I think the jealousy could drive her away. Trying to use that jealousy to your advantage would not be a good idea. For you guys to have a healthy relationship you would both need to be with each other out of unconditional love, not out of jealousy. If the jealousy did bring her back, she may not be back for long because she wasnt back solely because she loved you. As far as what you have planned to say to her, i think its a good idea. Its not an ultimatum, its not a needy cry for help, its just a pleasnt way of saying you are there for her to make her happy if she wants. I have read that book also and i think you should rephrase your sentence. It sounds a little too much about yourself and not enough about her happiness. (the way the book intends is different). maybe something like this might sound more appeasing? "I love you completely and I do want you to be happy. I would like to be that person that makes you happy but if you feel something else will make you happy then i'll understand. You need to be happy."

 

i dunno, somehting like that sounds more about her and less about you, kinda the way the book intends.

[Weird]

I wouldnt tell her that simply because she will most likely take it the wrong way and get pissed off. Makes no sense to me but that is how humans can be.

 

As for her getting jealous...dude, that is weak and I think is typical behaviour of a person who says they don't love/care anymore yet they still do. Either that or it is a sign the person is such an ego maniac they can't face the fact the other person will continue their life without them and be happy regardless of the fact they (the eprson getting jealous) does not have feelings for the other person.

 

People...messed up creatures

[UnicornGirl]

Tell her. Then leave her alone.

 

Leaving her alone can help your relationship in that she will not have the opportunity to make a fool of herself by being jealous and mean and put further stress on your bond.

 

Let her contact you, but don't contact her until she does. Then be caring and loving toward her. Jealousy is a hard thing for women to overcome, I have dealt with that for a long time. Was there something earlier in your relationship that killed her self-esteem? That's what happened with my jealousy and with my ex -- he wounded my trust and I took him back too soon without figuring stuff out. It strained us a lot during our 3.5 years together. I went to counseling and hopefully we will be back together soon as I have worked out my self-esteem issues and realized that since he was the one person I depended on (everyone else was walking out on me) I put too much pressure on him, and he on me.

 

It seems as if you really love this girl. Realize that her jealousy is a problem with her self-esteem, and viewing it from that angle can help.

 

She obviously still cares. Be loving and caring but also independent and don't stress about it too much. Situations like this CAN work out for the better. I've got to keep telling myself that too, it's been 10 weeks and sometimes it's hard not to give up hope even when my ex has not ruled out getting back together and he still calls me once a week and is involved in my life, though less than before.

[Cabras]

I was so torn between telling her and not telling her. I realized that if I want some sanity during the next few weeks/month/however long... I am going to want to tell her this now. It will be better than wanting to tell her in a week from now. She may not want to hear it right now, but she may be glad she did in a week or two.

 

I am going to change the way I say it. I am going to put her happiness first and my want to make her happy second. If something else is going to make her happy I understand.

 

She is very jealous and we talked briefly about it on Saturday. She knows how jealous she is and it always frustrated her that I didn't show my jealousy in the same way.

 

I know she has self esteem issues. I would be willing to go to counseling with her or seperately. I love her even with those issues, but for us to be sucessful we will HAVE to work on those whether it be with our communication or with professional help. I have some of the same issues. I show it differently on the outside, but I have some of the same issues. This breakup, like it or not, will help me be a better person afterward.

 

I am sure I will be posting here in a week, totally worried that the space isn't bringing us back together, but I am going to stay strong. Here is a list of what will be tough for me in the next 4 months.

 

Thanksgiving

Moving into my new apartment

Christmas

New Year's Eve (With her last year, was one of the mst memorable and wonderful days of my life)

Valentines Day

Her birthday in February

My best friend's wedding in March to one of her friends. (she'll be there)

[Cabras]

So, she never came by on Monday to get her remaining stuff. She had called on Monday afternoon and left me a message that she had arranged to use a truck and would be there at 7:30 to pick up the rest of her stuff.

 

No call or anything else, just didn't show. I feel frustrated with myself for letting this get to me, but a big part of me just wants the anxiety of her returning to get her furniture over. Of course I was planning on telling her my message as well.

 

I don't expect her to come running back to me today, but I do expect her to treat me like anyone should be treated. If you told anyone that you were coming by and decided not to shouldn't you at least call?

 

I think her plans to use someone's truck may have fallen through. It seems like all of her friends have let her down in her attempts to move. Nobody has helped her and she still has all of her furniture at my house 4 days after she was planning to be out.

 

Is she stepping on me by not calling or following through? Is she embarrased that she hasn't been able to find any help? Is she trying to be mean to drive me away? Did something fun come up on Monday and she just decided to blow this off and not bother to call? Arrrrgggg. I'm thinking too much.

[tattoomytoe]

is her stuff gone? if not, slip a note saying what you want in it.

[alphamale]

Dude:

You are doing the right exact thing but don't pull her aside and say all that lovey-dovey krap.

 

here is what you want to do or think about:

 

- keep her guessing and give her little or no info about what you are doing, or who you're with

- stay mysterious

- be selfish and put YOUR happiness first

- don't be a sissy, have a backbone and use it

- this woman has major issues so SHE is the problem, not YOU

- date other woman

- put yourself first

- contact her as little as possible and if you can don't contact her at all for 4 to 6 wks

- don't go where she goes or hang with mutual friends because then word will get back to her about what you are up to and this is the last thing u want.

[Cabras]

OK... mysterious it is...

 

I still haven't heard from her, but my roommate talked to her and she told me she's going to help her move her stuff tonight.

Aparently her friends did flake out on her and she doesn't have any way to move her stuff.

 

Unfortunately we share a LOT of friends, but that doesn't mean she won't get curious. Me moving out will limit how much she will know by quite a bit.

 

I know she has problems and I also know that I have problems too. I will work on mine and when she's ready to talk we'll see what we can do about the rest.

 

4 to 6 weeks seems like forever, but I got a little more self confidence today and hopefully once she is completely moved out it will allow me to focus more on moving on. I made one of those lists today, good things about her, bad things about her. It didn't change my mind, but it really made me think about the pain I am going through wanting her back.

 

I'm not sure I'm ready to date other people yet. I may need a month for that.

 

New Years Eve scares me, but I will worry about that when the time comes. If I haven't heard anything after New Years I have to wonder what would make her want to come back.

 

She is stubborn and has low self esteem.. what a combo. She didn't call me for 4 days once because her roommate wasn't giving her my messages and she didn't want to call me if I hadn't returned her last call. sheesh.

[Puma]

i dont think you should tell her that cause it makes you seem still like u tryin to get her back by tellin her stuff she would want to hear, but shes gonna hear somethin else. if she is that jealous why would you want to be with her anyways?? well love is strange liek taht..so ic ant judge ya, but just think about it a lil for ur own sake. if you feel if ya were to get back together and the jealousy would still play a big part in it..then why would u want to feel trapped in that sense, limited to only certain things. a lil jealousy is good cause it means they care about you..just as no jealousy is bad, everythin is done in moderation. there has to be a balance in everythin we do in our life..relationships especially. jsut let her be..if she wants to pick up her stuff she will..dont go tellin her you want it out either cause thats not good if ya want to get her back. my girl still has a lot of my stuff but im not gonna call and ask for it, just as i still have some of her stuff abut im not gonna call and tell her if she wants it. just let it be..tahts the best thing i can tell ya. hang in there and listen to what alphamale said..concentrate on yourself for now..dont forget her, but dont reach out to her either cause you do have to give them that mystery to what you are up to. think about it. she broek up with you right? then its all on her. now put yourself in her position, and lets say she doesnt hear from you..nothin at all in awhile. do u think shes gonna wonder why you havent contacted her? dont you think she would wonder why you arent beggin or pleadin with her to get back together? she will grow to think more about it..and it will intrigue and then she will contact you, and thats when you play happy, because you should be, and talk to her like nothin even happened and it didnt bother you because ur that confident in yourself..and trust me, she will get to thinkin. girls dig that..aint that right alphamale? anyways, g luck bro

[Cabras]

So she finally came and got her stuff. I helped her move everything out. She was embarassed that all of her friends ended up failing her. When she finally left she started talking to me and gave me a really warm smile. It certainly didn't seem like pity. I have been strong the last two weeks and I think she appreciated it. I just looked her in her eyes and smiled and told her what I had planned to. It was funny that her first reaction was to tell me that she didn't want to be with anyone else. I just repeated that I wanted her to be happy. She said that was what she wanted for me too. She was getting ready to walk away and she said "why don't you give me a call and let me know what happens with your apartment? Don't be a stranger. "

 

I told her she can call me too and she said she would.

 

She kind of smiled and looked back as she was walking away to her car.

 

OK. I don't care if I took a pretty un-spectacular interaction and made it seem positive to myself. I hope these feelings can help keep me from giving up on her for the next few weeks. We'll see if she really does call. I think she will.

[Puma]

but if she doenst...dont worry bout it, ya handled the situation well! feel a lil better a bet right? now just ride the wave and continue to make urself happy. dont call her either..let her call to see how things are goin..and if she dont, then call her or write her after a few weeks to say whats up..thats all

[Cabras]

So I knew this would be coming, but it still hurts.

 

She is going out on a date with this guy from her work on Friday night. I found out through the grapevine of course.

 

2 sides to this.

 

1. It hurts like hell. She's moved on and I'm yesterday's news. Move on with your life because she's moving on with hers.

 

2. I prayed for her to come back quickly. This guy's an a-hole and a player. This won't last long. She misses me and comes back soon.

 

Either way I have to suck it up and carry on with my plan. No contact. She's going to want to know what I am thinking and I'm just not going to let her know. I have to ready myself for the worst. Can I date yet? I'm not sure I'm ready to, but she sure as hell isn't going to find that out.

 

Now she's coming over to get a blanket. What the hell? I'm not going to be here. She can wonder where I'm at.

 

Who'd of thunk that she could turn me into the insecure one. Arggg.

[Puma]

shes goin over to get a blanket?? for what explain

[Cabras]

Well, I was gone. She came in and got a blanket that she had left here. She didn't ask if I was here or anything and just left.

 

Maybe she was cold at her new house.

 

When talking to my friend today she described our interactions while she was getting her stuff as "positive, well not really positive, but it was still positive. It was the most adult breakup I have ever had"

 

It sounds like I didn't drive her away. She doesn't want to be with me right now, but I feel like I left her with a good impression. Much better than the man I was for the last couple months and much better than the man I was for two days after she broke up with me.

 

Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself here, but if she tries to call really soon, like over the weekend, do I ignore it? Wait two days and call her back? Send back a text message? I didn't tell her I wanted no contact so is not replying mysterious or rude?

[johan]

Cabras,

 

You're almost down to analyzing her heart rate and brain scans for signs. Your expectations of her have gotten seriously low. I'm sure when you started out with her, she expressed her love to you in big, can't-miss ways. She didn't just pop in occasionally for a blanket or freak out about another woman.

 

Stop looking for all the little signs to refute what the big signs are telling you: she moved out, you broke up. Those aren't the actions of a woman in love. When and if she wants to try to reunite, she'll bring the big guns. She won't show up pretending like she forgot an old sock.

 

Hang in there and try to forgive yourself for this. It wasn't all your fault.

[Chan]

yeh id take a chill pill,at 1st she just snded insecure and needed reasurance mayb ignore her calls and give it time to ket her realise what her life would b like with out you!it may just b her jeolousy and her believin ur unhappy and r lookin 4 another woman which is pushing you away!

[Puma]

ur analyzing too much now..and i can tell ya as probably most people on here can from experience..ur just harming urself..dont even try to imagine her doin anythin, like dont imagine her at a club dancin with guys or even doin stuff with them..dont do taht at all cause ur messin up ur head that way. as for my situation she had broek up with me for space and time and the whole not right now thing..then when she contacted me she said shes been hangin out with erh family..so taht was kinda contradicting on her part cause i thought she wanted to "have fun" as she said, but hey i'll take hangin out with the family over clubbin anyday. even then, i try not to think about her doin other stuff cause it just hurts ya in the end. a person cant change that dramtically and start goin crazy after bein in a lovin relationship thats what i believe. sure enough she does miss you..and maybe her gettin a blanket was simply as you said.."shes cold". dont read too much into it..if there are any clear signs that she misses you..u'll just have that feelin cause its more of a vibe that she will portray to you. either way keep ya head up as for all of us on here!!

[Cabras]

You really think monitoring her heart rate will help? Just kidding...

 

I'm going out Friday night with friends. I'm going to have fun, but I have a feeling that I won't be "over her" any time soon.

[Puma]

monitor her heart rate...if ya want her to stop yours!!! haha eh yeah, but thats good ya should be taken those steps towards workin on yourself..goin out with the boys has helped me even when i didnt want to at all. it really will help you trust me. and no one expects ya to get over her..thats not the point inall this, the point is to help ya move on, not forget her or put her aside! ya have to remember that you are ur own person as she is hers too, so ya both have to realize that in order for anythin to happen between ya two again..ya have to be independent enough to be together. "huh, what, how is that? " good question cabras! well think about it..you remember the excitement of meeting her and clickin with her on all levels? how youfelt when you saw her name on ur phone or emails, how you felt when you heard her voice, how she made ya feel? well all that can happen again if you let it happen, but ya have to distance urself so that time will pass and ya could come together as "just meeting" all over again. think about it..when u dont talk to one of ur friends for a long time and youhear from them either you call them or vice versa, dont ya get all happy "damn i havnet talked to you forever, we should def hang out" now if ya get that happy with a friend..imagine how its gonna be with ur ex. ur gonna want to spend time together..and yes ya can rekindle feelings..but you have to be that person that u know u are..and she knows too! in mexico we have a sayin: donde huvo fuego, siempre se queda cenizas. that means "wherever there was a fire/flame, will always exist ashes" so there is always possibility

[Cabras]

After talking with one of our mutual friends and thinking over a lot of what she has told me since the break up I have a pretty clear picture of what she is thinking.

 

I hurt her pretty bad. We worked things out once before and some of the same problems came back a year later. We found some new ones too.

 

She is scared that I was going to leave her or things were never going to get better.

 

She is terrified of being alone. She doesn't feel like anyone will really love her. She is extremely bitter that the guy she thought was "the one for her" ended up letting her down.

 

She feels like I can't love her and no one else.

 

She thinks that opening the door to me even slightly would bring her back to me. It is very similar to other people's questions on here about how to not take someone back.

 

She does not think I am able to change. She feels like the guy she was stuck with for the last few months of our relationship is the real me.

 

Knowing all of this doesn't really help me out too much in the short term. I still need that opening to be able to even begin to show her who I really am. I know in my heart that I am not that guy that I became. If I was that guy I would already be out dating someone new. If I really wanted to be with other women, I have had chances since our breakup, and I am just not ready for that. I don't even want a distraction.

 

I realize now that when she broke up with me she was so scared of jumping back to me she clung to the only guy that was available to her, her friend from work. She has since totally broken that off and doesn't even want to be friends with him when she realized what he was really like. I see this a a possible opening. Not for me to come pursuing her, but for her to possibly contact me.

 

She has been so strong about not contacting me. I hope that by me making sure I have changed myself for the better I will be ready for her if she wants to see the new me.

 

Her friend called me her "weakness" and said that my ex knows that she would have a tough time staying apart from me. It is horrible that the man who treated her so well for so long could blow things so badly in the end.

 

Sure, this could be a great thing for some new girl who gets to be with me, but I would like my true love to be the one who gets the benefit of a better man.

 

I hope me moving into a new place, without a bunch of buddies, and being able to tell her at some point that I really want to be with her and no one else will help her to trust me with her feelings again. I made a list of my behaviors that I never want to show up in our relationship ever again. It's mostly for me, but if she ever asks how it would be different this time around I won't hesitate to pull it out and show her.

 

I want her to be happy. I really believe we can be happy together, but I have no way to show her without her giving us another try. I am praying that Christmas and New Years may provide an opportunity for some communication.