I don't know anymore

[BrokenCrushed]

I am an emotional roller coaster. I've been so depressed lately, but today, I woke up and realized something. We had been together for so long and things were really, really good. It's only in the past few months that things went awry. People put thoughts into my head and I think those thoughts made me anxious and I started treating him badly. And we both started treating each other badly because instead of going straight to him, I let people, outsiders who know nothing about the relationship, get to me. The breakup answered a lot of questions I've had in my head and cleared up a lot of things between us, but I feel like the damage has already been done. But that realization gave me hope. We had been good for so long, maybe in time, when the situation is right, we can be good together again.

 

It's only been a week since we broke up from a very long term, long distance relationship. Today is the first day since we broke up that I felt like I could go on. We've been talking every day since we broke up and I feel like this may be good for us. Conversations are getting a little less awkward and it makes me feel like we might be getting back to were we used to be. It scares me though, because what if it means that he is falling out of love with me and is realizing that he just wants me as a friend. I still want him so bad, but at the same time, I feel like I just need to let things be. I think this may be a good thing because I know we can't start mending the relationship if I am desperate and miserable. I feel like he is that proverbial butterfly that I have to let go before I know he is really mine. But then I wonder, does this mean that maybe I am falling out of love or am I finally being selfless because I really love him? I know forcing feelings on him isn't to help anything, but I feel like I am giving up and that doesn't feel right.

 

Or maybe the problem was that we had just got too comfortable with each other and the passion had started to die? I know passion and excitement is important and gives you that euphoric feeling of being in love. But is it so bad that we've lost the passion? I still care deeply for him. I still want to go through life with him and not just as a friend. Still, I don't know if we can ever reignite the spark. I mean, know it is possible, but what if he doesn't want me that way anymore? What is the difference between love and being in love? I'm so confused. I don't know what love is anymore...

 

I guess I just need to let things be...