Do they always reappear at some point?

[browneyed]

Just curious what most have experienced on here. Do most of the MM reappear after there has been a D-day? It's almost a given if you break up with them that they will, but I'm curious if it's different if there was a D-day.

 

A very brief synopsis of my situation. D-day happened almost 6 months ago. Was a 7 month A. He'd only been married 2 years. He was in the process of trying to get her to agree to a separation (he showed me the papers). Felt an extreme amount of guilt about wanting to leave due to her health issues which is why he was trying for separation and didn't just divorce her. He had moved out before I was around, moved back in due to her guilting him about her health issues. Her parents were assisting in guilting him also. They have no kids but he really wants them, she now can't have any. She had PI's follow both of us and involved her parents. He believed his phone and laptop had been messed with. She told him if he left she would die. After a week and a half of limited contact he asked for space to figure things out. I left him alone. Called him 2 months later to get him to tell me what I already knew. He was trying to work on it. He told me he didn't know if he wanted it to work yet or if it even would but felt he owed it to the marriage to try. He said that everything with me was real and that he was trying to leave that he knew his relationship couldn't continue as it was, but something about getting caught changed something. Basically I think he felt so overwhelmed with guilt he was paralyzed and couldn't leave.

 

Given what little I know I don't think much has changed. Before and during the A, he was playing a sport that kept him out of the house almost every day of the week until 10 or 11 at night and I'm not exaggerating. He started doing that about 6 months after getting married. He's continued to do that since dday. Goes from work to play sports. How do you fix a marriage if you are never home?

 

Haven't heard from him since. The most difficult thing I've gone through to just be cut off. Not that it was easy for either of them, but I can only speculate from others stories what they are dealing with. Just curious if he'll pop up again someday. If he'll decide to leave at some point and contact me. Or if he'll be so miserable again at some point that he will risk it. I won't ever contact him.

 

Not sure if I will ever understand why he stayed. At this point I don't hold out hope that I will hear from him. It's been almost 6 months since dday. Just curious what others have experienced as far as their MM/MW getting back in contact at some point or if they just never hear from them again.

[KentuckyGent]

I'd say yes you're likely to hear from him again, and no he is not going to leave his marriage.

[KentuckyGent]

He said that everything with me was real and that he was trying to leave

 

He's lying to you and he never intended or intends to leave.

[browneyed]

Thanks for being honest. I know you've been there. For some reason I'm not convinced that he wasn't trying to leave. I may be a complete idiot or deluding myself but I think he was trying. That separation decree was legit, but I don't know that she had seen it.

[KentuckyGent]

I don't mean to sound harsh but you're right, I've been there. Regardless if you're the OM or OW these seem to all play out the same. I'm better at giving advice than taking it, it appears. I'm sorry this has happened to you. If one wants to leave they can leave; they don't have to "try" to leave. Especially since they don't have kids and the marriage is of a short duration.

[browneyed]

I'm right there with you. I'm better at giving it than following it. I agree with you completely. They can leave. They are no excuses. I didn't go into a lot of details. But I either wasn't truly aware of what was really going on, or I just don't understand his guilt. Either way it doesn't matter. In the end he had his out and he stayed. His choice, he lives with it. I can imagine that my life now is a lot easier than his.

 

How as smart educated people do we get ourselves into these messes? I've read some of your posts and know exactly how you feel. It's a very difficult thing to go through and so few people understand it. The feelings and connection involved feel amazing and like you'll never find them again. Oh the lessons that we find the hard way.

[KentuckyGent]

I'm smart and educated in a lot of ways, but love/relationships is not one of them. . . at least at this stage in my life. I know it was ultimately my fault for getting involved with a MW, but I went blind into this and really believed all the lines of bull**** I was given. I loved loving her though. At least for me, the times together were bliss and the times apart hell.

[browneyed]

Can identify with all of your statements. I know exactly how you feel. Then the aftermath is a hell of its own. Now it's to find someone we can have a normal healthy relationship with.

 

I think I read that your MW contacted you in August and she's out on her own now, if I am correct. How do you feel about that?

[KentuckyGent]

So she says. Truthfully I don't ever believe a word she says. She said it was to "figure out why" she cheated. I think she found another AP/OM, got caught and got kicked out. But yes she contacted me out of the blue after over 2 months and has now gone silent again.

[browneyed]

Interesting. You'll probably hear from her again. I'm sure you'll get the story at some point. Probably better that right now she's leaving you alone if she's in a mess.

[KentuckyGent]

It's easier having NC (I NEVER will contact her first again) than dealing with the crap. If the right person came along I could get past her quick I think, but I have no confidence. NONE. I have good days and bad. Her popping up again would just be a set back. I know this but it's still hard. I last saw her in January.

[Pastypop]

My MM called me three times a day and texted quite a bit in between. As soon as the wife found out, it was done. Cold turkey. I've never heard from him again. It's been 2 1/2 years. I do not understand how someone can call and text that much and then just walk away forever. Still hurts like crazy to this day!

[happy stillmore]

That is hard to take, how easy it seemed for xMM to just end it. It makes you feel like you didn't matter or he didn't love you like I thought. It makes you question everything. Was it all lies? Now, I have to sit on my hands to prevent me from texting him to ask him these questions. It hurts so bad. I just want to know whether his feelings were real and how he could have ended our love.

[SunsetRed]

Yes, they will always reappear and will contact us for the rest of our lives if we let them. We may go several months between the contacting, but trust and believe, they will contact us.

 

We're a great catch for an MM. Its not every woman that will sit and wait for stolen moments, be willing to never celebrate holidays, be willing to hide in the shadows and not call or text, but wait for him to have the opportunity to do so.

 

So, yes, they will continue to contact us, but they will also continue to stay married to their wives. We have to be strong enough to realize that when they suddenly pop up and re contact us, it never means that they are ready to leave. It usually means that they are simply horny or need an ego boost.

[Tangled web]

That is hard to take, how easy it seemed for xMM to just end it. It makes you feel like you didn't matter or he didn't love you like I thought. It makes you question everything. Was it all lies? Now, I have to sit on my hands to prevent me from texting him to ask him these questions. It hurts so bad. I just want to know whether his feelings were real and how he could have ended our love.

 

If I didn't know better, I'd think I wrote this! There is just so much confusion when it ends. I don't think every case is the same. There are people that will outright lie and cheat without even the slightest remorse. But I also believe there are people who are lonely, give up on their SO and want the physical and emotional intimacy they lost with their spouse.

 

Genuine feelings develop on both sides and the intentions for a future are often very real. But when there is a D-Day or time takes it's toll, it becomes like any other relationship requiring the work, soul searching, and effort they weren't able to handle in their primary relationship. It's a reality check and sometimes it's too much to maintain so they check out of the fantasy because it got too real. It doesn't mean, it was all a lie.

[hollyhillcourt]

It's not about if, it's about when. And that has been true for me with 99% of the men I've been involved w including my exMM. And we did have a dday. He called as recently as Monday and dday was at the beginning of August.