Ending Marriage less than 2 Years...Need Some Support

[nutell]

Where to begin....

 

I don't believe there is anyone to talk to about my feelings, and I am ashamed by them. I got married after knowing my wife for 6 months, but I really wanted to jump into it a few weeks after we met.

 

I had relationships in the past, no marriages. I had no doubts whatsoever when I thought about marrying her. Before the marriage, maybe I had some cold feet...but I cannot remember anything serious.

 

We got married, but were LDR for almost 6 months. Now that we are together on a daily basis, I can't stop thinking that I made a mistake.

 

I feel claustrophobic and there are times when I just want to run away. There are no kids in the relationship.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my wife. Frankly, I don't really want another woman, nor do I have some dreams of fun and adventure. I just feel trapped and feel like I jumped into something too early.

 

I am afraid she would lose her mind if we split, and I can't face my family, her family, or my friends about this.

 

I told my wife about my feelings because it was getting to the point where I felt sick to my stomach every night thinking about this. I don't know if this will go away, I wish it would.

 

If anybody ever felt like this...claustrophobia and intense anxiety are probably the best ways to describe it, then please let me know.

 

I think I really screwed things up...but I'm at a loss of what to do.

[2sunny]

What did your wife say when you told her you want out of the M?

 

Did she relocate to be with you?

[writergal]

I've never been in your situation before (I'm single, never married) but I commend you on staying true to yourself and telling your wife about your doubts.

 

I also wonder if your doubts have to do with dating long distance and then rushing to be together as a married couple 24/7 without a smoother transition of time to get more acclimated to each other first. Does that make sense? Maybe you rushed the marriage with the right woman, instead of taking your time being engaged for a while first.

 

What have you decided to do now? Separate and then divorce? What do you want to do?

 

Oh, don't worry about what family and friends will think because they aren't in this marriage with your wife; you are and the consequences directly effect you and your wife only. Everyone else is less important. Don't forget that. They may chime in with their judgment and opinions of what they would do in your shoes but it's not up to them or anyone else what you should do. Only you can decide what is best for you since it is your life here.

 

My cousin had cold feet before his marriage with his family telling him he was making a huge mistake on his wedding day. Well, six months later his wife tried to commit suicide, forced my cousin to take on a second job, and then left my cousin to be with someone else. Then it took her two years before she would agree to sign the divorce papers. Do you think my cousin got emotional support from his own family members? Nope. They LOVED the fact that they were right and told him so. Then he had a nervous breakdown, moved back in with his parents (my aunt and uncle), worked two jobs, gained weight, chain smoked, and waited for his wife to sign the divorce papers. When she finally did it was from inside a mental hospital. Five years later he met his second wife through an online dating service and they waited two years before they got married. They have been married for nearly four years now and are very happy together.

 

Do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Forget about what everyone else tells you they think you should do. And that includes your wife. Live your life for yourself; not for other people. I don't mean that in a "be selfish" way but in a way that you make decisions that are in your best interest, not decisions to appease or please others.

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

If anybody ever felt like this...claustrophobia and intense anxiety are probably the best ways to describe it, then please let me know.

Not a normal reaction to your situation. Are you seeing a doctor, counselor or therapist?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tethys]

I also commend you on talking to your wife on this and hopefully you put it in a way that didn't make her feel bad (this is something I struggle with, but I digress). I sympathize with these feelings because going from a long-distance relationship to marriage has to be one of the biggest changes. You should consider finding a therapist or at the least try tracking and analyzing your feelings nd thoughts by writing about them as they come. For example what triggers these feelings of claustrophobia? When are the feelings most intense? I would imagine it would help to sort out more specifically why you feel this way.

Edited September 18, 2013 by Tethys
misspelling

[GuyInLimbo]

I am afraid she would lose her mind if we split, and I can't face my family, her family, or my friends about this.

 

Here's a lesson I've slowly and painfully learned over the years: You can't give two sh*ts about what ANYONE ELSE thinks. It is not their marriage and they aren't the ones who have to suffer if anything is wrong. So, F them.

 

Second, your W is an adult. You can't carry the burden of responsibility for how she will react. If she's emotionally unstable or immature, that's HER problem, not yours. If she IS healthy, then she'll walk away. Either way, she will be fine. But, again, not your problem.

 

Hindsight is 20/20, but LDR + very short courtship almost always ends badly and quickly, IMO. There is absolutely no substitute for being with someone on a day-to-day basis. Period.

 

Regardless of all this, I do hope you are seeing a therapist about all this. But it's best to end this early before kids come along.

[smoky eyes]

I've been in a lot of LDRs and there's always a sense of claustrophobia and panic when I get back together with the person on a regular basis... I wonder if it might have something to do with that.

 

In LDRs you're in love and communicating, but not tied down on a daily basis, and have a lot more autonomy about your life. I usually just try to relax and take it slow and it all calms down a bit in the end. The fact that you aren't actually unhappy with your wife is positive I think.

[JamesM]

Actually, I felt that way a few months into my marriage. It was probably around the 18 month mark. I have no clue why except that we were probably fighting as we did fairly often back then (as compared to now). I never told my wife.

 

In time we grew together and the fights became less and less. The feeling went away. Despite the difficulties over the years (and some are well documented here), I have never felt that way again.

 

IMO you should seek out counseling. Analyze the feelings and let someone listen to you and give you ideas. Don't walk away yet because like me, you may find your feelings gone and you in a much happier position.

[mkrainy]

My husband and I divorced after 4 years together. I relocate for him and we got married after two years together when I need to have visa to stay in usa to find job after I graduated from my school.

 

We just got divorced. We relocated again right after we married and this time it's him need to go to graduated school. He promised me he would relocate for me back to my home country when he graduated. However, when the time he almost graduated which is 18 months after we married, he decided he wanted to stay in USA. We fight alot in the first 18 months of marriage and at the end he felt we wanted different location and he felt trapped. He felt that he could not breath due to our argument and he divorced me.

 

I was very devastated at the beginning since he divorced me while I was in my home country. He only told me by email about the divorce....after 9 months, I finally moved on.

 

Your wife will feel devastated since I supposed she moved for you all the way. I think if you could try therapist, please try it first. My husband and I didn't try it and I figured out all our problems by reading tons of books and did therapist myself.

 

It really help you to open your eyes about the issue and i think you are somewhat unhappy or felt trapped in the marriage. Everything is solvable if you love her and she loves you. Please try to solve it while inside the marriage. After breaking the divorce news, it will be harder for both of you to recover.

[2sunny]

My husband and I divorced after 4 years together. I relocate for him and we got married after two years together when I need to have visa to stay in usa to find job after I graduated from my school.

 

We just got divorced. We relocated again right after we married and this time it's him need to go to graduated school. He promised me he would relocate for me back to my home country when he graduated. However, when the time he almost graduated which is 18 months after we married, he decided he wanted to stay in USA. We fight alot in the first 18 months of marriage and at the end he felt we wanted different location and he felt trapped. He felt that he could not breath due to our argument and he divorced me.

 

I was very devastated at the beginning since he divorced me while I was in my home country. He only told me by email about the divorce....after 9 months, I finally moved on.

 

Your wife will feel devastated since I supposed she moved for you all the way. I think if you could try therapist, please try it first. My husband and I didn't try it and I figured out all our problems by reading tons of books and did therapist myself.

 

It really help you to open your eyes about the issue and i think you are somewhat unhappy or felt trapped in the marriage. Everything is solvable if you love her and she loves you. Please try to solve it while inside the marriage. After breaking the divorce news, it will be harder for both of you to recover.

 

He hasn't yet stated if she moved or if he moved...

[nutell]

Thank you all for the support.

 

She moved to me and my situation is similar to mkrainy's. I'll definitely keep JamesM's thoughts in mind and writergal's too.

 

The claustrophobia and anxiety is not so bad, especially now that I told my wife. However, I do think about separation and the future every day.

 

My wife is a great person and it's hard to imagine finding someone like her again. That is what hurts the most about this; knowing how good she is. This makes me feel guilty and even more irresponsible and stupid in my decision making.

 

If I could, I'd tell everyone to stay out of marriage until they are over 30, especially men. I think it is a little different on the female side, though even for women, jumping at an early age in is a bad idea.

 

In my case I thought that I had enough girl friends in the past and life experience to go looking for marriage. Now I realize that is wrong, and even if it was true, you need to really "sit" on a relationship for a while (2 years) and check your emotions.

 

I won't go into all the details here, but due to my special circumstances, I also had to rush marriage just to be with my wife. Maybe if we were not LDR things would have definitely cooled down or taken a different turn.

 

Thanks again for your support.

[Pancake08]

I understand how you feel, but as a woman,its really hard to accept that your husband is having doubt on staying married.

 

i dont know what kind of experienced you had together but i guess you can look that way,i am not expert my self.

 

No marriage is easy,you have to work things together for a long time before you can manage to dance on the same flows.things is gonna be better if you can give time to go back to all the places and things you have done together..

goodluck.

[nutell]

It's been a few months since I posted, and I figured I'd let you all know the situation now and see what you think.

 

Things have not gotten better inside myself. I don't think marriage is right for me; I still think I made a mistake. I feel like a coward because I don't like commitments and I don't want the added responsibility of marriage. At the same time, having seen so many divorces, and worst of all, divorces with kids...I want to call it quits now, before things get worse.

 

At this point, my dream would be a different job with less pressure, no marriage, no relationships, and just living on my own for several years.

 

Part of the problem is that I've spent my entire life in one sort of constrained environment or another. I had a demanding high school, very demanding college, and am now in the military. I feel like I've been trapped my entire life and marriage feels like the biggest trap of all. I just want a few years of lower stress work and no emotional commitments.

 

I want to get out of the military and get out of my marriage. I just want to see how it feels like to be free.

 

My wife is broken up inside. What makes it worse is that she is a good wife, and I'm a decent husband. We don't argue, we get along, and it's just me. She often says I want freedom so I can fool around with other girls, that I'm not attracted to her anymore.

 

The truth is, I'm still a man, I still find other women attractive; but I don't really want other women. I want to be alone. Sure, I get my temptations...but I think if I got divorced; I'd just kick back, say "phew" and smoke one.

 

Unfortunately, our sex life has diminished considerably. I'll do it, and enjoy it, but I just don't need it like I used to. I could easily go without for a few months...before it was a daily thing.

 

The other big problem is that my wife is highly dependent on me emotionally and materially. Plus, were in a situation where separation is basically impossible.

 

I've had bad breakups before...so I am scared, really scared, of what will happen if I have a serious talk with her and tell her I want separation and a divorce. Basically, we have to live together for the next 6-12 months...and I'm not sure when to bring it up.

 

We're living in a weird life. We sleep together, try to make each other happy, but inside, she knows I'm screwed up, I know I'm screwed up, there is a lot of tension, and occasionally tears.

 

I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm tearing myself apart every day, I know she is really hurt...but she can't live without me.

 

If only I could go back in time to when I was so sure and determined to get married and tell myself to just back off. I'd give so much for that chance.

 

Bottom line, I'm the bad guy/girl that so many people complain about here, and I know it. I just don't know what the heck to do to move on.

 

I do know that if this marriage ends; there is no chance I'm getting into another serious relationship; not for the next 10 years. Life may be lonely, I may have my emotional problems, but I don't need this anymore.

[Mr Scorpio]

I want to get out of the military and get out of my marriage. I just want to see how it feels like to be free. We're living in a weird life. We sleep together, try to make each other happy, but inside, she knows I'm screwed up, I know I'm screwed up, there is a lot of tension, and occasionally tears.

 

It is none of my business whether or not you performed tours of duty overseas which affected your mental health. If so, please seek help -- not for your marriage -- for yourself.

 

That being said, I can understand the feelings you described: the claustrophobia, burden, even guilt from occasional resentment of someone who you care about. Not wanting the phone calls, not wanting to be responsible for another person's emotional well-being. You just want the idea that you can do what you want, when you want, how you want.

[Dreamlala]

Wow, I must say its interesting to read the other side of what I just went through. A little different for me because I actually make more money than my estranged husband and am very self-sufficient. However, I did sell my condo and all my belongings to move in with him which left me at a disadvantage.

 

He told me he was unhappy and for the last 2 weeks his eyes looked sad, now that I look back, at the time I thought he was being dreamy ha! But upon reflecting on things now I can look back and see so much more than I did. He is 40 and I am 33, and soon we will have our first born, and not even that stopped him from telling me that we're done and that he just wasn't happy. I never accused him of cheating but he's smart so he offered to let me go through his phone, I refused to because a) he's smart he would've deleted anything incriminating and b) once something is done I personally don't care who else is involved because that won't help me heal in any way.

 

Anyhow, its really sad that you can't work things out, especially if she's a good person and good wife. Do you even realize the crap that is out there?? I find this type of behavior fascinating because, maybe because I'm a woman or maybe because I fit the status quo, thats what the majority of us are searching for a GOOD person to be with. And yet there are people out there (like my darling H) who will throw out a good person without any thought to it. Its weird. I hope you get counseling and are able to figure out and work through your issues. I've always believed that, like the Taylor Swift song, "two is better than one".

 

Before I married my husband I lived alone in a 2 bedroom condo and it was SO lonely! I have a good job, I did a lot of travelling, I did everything I wanted to do and yet I would come home, and talk to myself and hear my own echo bouncing back. I'd cook dinner for one, have a glass of wine and sit on the couch and think wow, my life sucks. Being married was the opposite of that, I had a blast and I'm having such a hard time dealing with knowing that as soon as I can I will be back out on my own (in an apartment this time no less). At least this time I'll have my son but its gonna be SO hard to adjust to not sleeping next to someone and not having someone to make crazy last minute plans with or even just someone to cook for. Does loneliness really sound better to you than what you have?? Loneliness and no love sound like the worst thing on earth to me, I would never cause that to myself, it was thrown upon me but you are actively seeking it. I wish I could understand.

[TrappedWanderer]

Dreamland, I agree....it was very interesting reading "the other side" as I just went through a very similar situation with my now ex husband. We had done long distance and I think, because I was the one that moved to his country, as much as we'd talked about things, I don't think he ever really, truly thought about how us being married and me moving there would affect him. I know I thought and considered, etc....but in hindsight, I don't think he did at all. So when it happened, he freaked out. And caused a LOT of hurt and pain.

 

Nutell, have you gone and talked to a therapist about these things? Honestly, I wished my husband had at least given it a try-he said what you've said, that it was him not me. And I tried to help him, but that just seemed to make it worse.

 

If it's not the right situation, then do get out. But I would just caution that you be absolutely certain that marriage is now not something that is right for you before throwing it away. Because that will affect not only you, and her, but family, friends....it's draining in very way possible.

 

I'm glad I got away from a situation that was toxic, but I still do wish that things could have gone differently. You owe it to yourself to try and figure out what's going on before throwing in the towel. And, if ultimately you come to the conclusion that that's what needs to be done, then do it. Just do it with as much respect and love as is possible. That didn't happen with my not-so-happy ending, and it's almost as if that's the worst part of it all.

 

Good luck!

[Dreamlala]

Sorry trappedwanderer, at least you realize you're better off. If it helps any my husband was respectful and kept saying how he'd like us to "be adults" and not let this "get ugly" but it still hurt like hell. It especially sucks when you're the one that made all the changes to be with that person. The day I signed closing docs on the condo I sold I remember thinking "there's no turning back now" and yet here I am planning to rent a 1 bd apt just so my son can have somewhere to "come home" to. Best of luck to you and to the OP. Hopefully a separation/ divorce can be done with as little damage as possible to all involved. Although thats kind of an oxymoron... divorce is damage in itself.

[mkrainy]

Hi, it's been awhile since your last post. As i said few months ago, I had gone through almost same thing as you wife and now I am in my home country. Lucky thing for me is that my family is actually pretty wealthy and so I am totally financially independent from my ex husband and my dad can definitely offer me better life than my ex did.

 

Nonetheless, material doesn't mean anything. The emotional damaged is too much that even after 1 year of the break up, I still feel upset inside. My ex broke up with me through text while i am in my home country and I went through hell and now back to earth. Nonetheless, I think that journey becomes the most beneficial experience in my life. I have made tons of self reflection and life improvement. Now, I finally figure out that my life can still be pretty and flourish without my ex. I was high educated (got master degree) and so support myself is not a problem at all. I used to give up everything for my ex, my family and friends, my career and my life. Now i get everything back except him. Though I am still feeling upset and cry sometimes, I figure out life still going on, and time will heal all wound.

 

I know she will be very upset inside. However, at the end of the day, that's what happen. You do not feel in love anymore and you want out. If you told me 12 months ago, I would be devastated when i was in your wife situation.However, today, if i ever know her, I will tell her to walk away with dignity. I think no one worth you love if they could not return the same as you do. She desire someone who loves her and want to stay with her as much as she does to you. I guess she's still young and there are still many chance to meet the right people. I am still single even a year. However, I haven't been that happiest for a long time. I feel the freedom and the control to myself. My ex and I haven't been in contact for 2.5 months now and I am not planing to ever have any contact at all. Compared to few months ago, I would take him in heart beat and move back for him. Not anymore. She will be fine one day. However, no matter what, I highly recommend that you should talk about the break up by face. My ex didn't do that and that hurt me to the core and make me feel abandon.

 

If you want out of the marriage, nothing she does now can stop you. In fact, the marriage will only work if you want to make it work, otherwise, just get out of that. Maybe you will find that you are the one that can't live without her, and maybe she will take you back or maybe it's too late. For whatever action you take, think the result. If you decide whatever you are going to act, this time, you have to take the consequence of it. Do not make the same mistake as 2 years ago when you decided to make the commitment and now walk away.

 

Marriage take lots of hard work and I am still very commit to the vow if I get married ever again. Therefore, next time, if you get married, then please think clearly about that.

[nutell]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to a stranger. See the internet is not so bad, haha.

 

Dreamlala and Trappedwandered; I feel for you, just like I feel for my wife. It is not you, it is not other women, it is the man. Dreamlala, you raise a good question...why am I going backwards to a lonelier time in my life, why do I yearn for that?

 

I think the person that answered that best is Mr. Scorpio. I'm not going to get separated or divorced and go wild, it's the idea of confinement. I've been confined my entire life; I'm dying for a few years of freedom. I have the money and the education where I can finally come home after work...and just relax, I can actually take the weekends off.

 

Unfortunately, I got used to being alone. That's another thing Dreamlala; I'm the kind of person that really liked my private space: just me, no cell phones, no work, nobody else. I don't mind being alone, it's great after a day of pressure, lots of talking, lots of stress...just me, I'm happy.

 

mkrainy, I wish my wife was like you; you have a wealthy family and education; my wife is the exact opposite. I definitely won't text her to end it...that's not even an option. I pretty much have to set her up, provide financial support, find her a job, etc... and only then can I go on with my life.

 

Overall, I think marriage is nuts. Would you want to ever give a 20 something year old the option to sign his life away in the military....or even sign for a full 20? No way; because I know some of them would sign that paper and then desert after 2 years.

 

I've gotten so much training on all sorts of random topics in the military; but never once did anyone say "stay the fu** away from marriage, it's for life, and you're too da** young". I am NOT blaming the military for my marriage, haha, but I'm just saying, everyone around me, even my divorced parents; never really point out how insane the idea of marriage is.

 

You are signing your entire life away to someone else; and you've barely lived as an independent adult; WTF were you thinking? The idea is absolutely insane once you really mull it over. Sure, it's the only proper way to raise children, they need structure and love, but again, early 20s....it just seems crazy.

 

For some it seems to work, God bless them, but for a lot of them, it doesn't.

 

To this day I can't believe I was so stupid and immature to actually get married. I made a completely emotional decision, and marriage seemed like something everyone's gotta do.

 

Another self-inflicted wound; and this one seriously hurts another human being. That's why I seriously doubt I'll ever get married again if this marriage ends. Live in partner, ok, no problem...I've seen plenty of them, and they're usually happy, or they end it. But someone like me, at this stage in life, no way.

 

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but thanks for putting in your opinions, they help out a lot.

[nutell]

It has been a while and I'd like to update the good folks here on the situation and get your input.

 

Things have gotten better in my marriage. I pretty much had a long panic attack after getting married and had cold feet. It hurt my wife, I told her I was thinking of getting out, and I was depressed. My wife, who is a sweet woman, was also hurt. We had a period where she would break down and cry every few days; it almost got to the point where I was going to pack my bags and just go.

 

After a while, we both calmed down. My wife realized that I have a problem and I have to make a decision; but given our financial, legal, and geographic circumstances; she tried to get over it so we could both get along under the same roof and enjoy life the best we could. You could call it a "detente". Frankly, I think we've enjoyed life pretty well thus far.

 

I also calmed down and changed too. The first few months in our new home, I was cold, depressed, stressed out...I pretty much sucked. As time went by, I started being more like the old me and became sweeter, nicer, etc... to my wife; definitely more loving. We held off on having kids for obvious reasons and I'm glad we did that.

 

We'll have 2 years of marriage soon; and almost 3 in a relationship.

 

However; the moment of truth is here. My wife wants me to make a decision; either end the marriage, or continue it and have kids, i.e. a family.

 

I have some time alone to think; and contemplate before the decision.

 

On one hand, my wife could not be better. We fit very well when it comes to personality, temperament, hobbies, and career path. She is sweet, loyal, there's really no negatives.

 

The truth of the matter is that my misgivings are mostly sexual. We fit very well in bed, and our bedroom life is fine.

 

However; I am attracted to other women, deeply attracted at times. My wife simply does not excite me the way she used to. There are times when I have to slightly force myself to sleep with her. Unfortunately, I have realized that physically, my wife is not 100% my type...maybe like 60%.

 

I have strayed with watching explicit content and also some flings. The truth is that those things are like cigarettes to me; I always walk away thinking "it's so much better with my wife." Yet part of me yearns for someone different and wants to start from scratch.

 

If I were to logically balance out marriage versus divorce; keeping the marriage would be the logical choice. At the end of the day, I am pretty certain that if I divorce, I'll end up repeating the same old cycle of feeling lonely and bored, then looking for a woman, find that relationship, falling in love...and then hopefully things work out and neither of us gets bored, cold feet, sick, etc... So why go through all that again? Might as well stay married right?

 

However; iIf I had a magic button where I could erase my marriage from my life and start from scratch; I'd push it right now.

 

My worry is that I have been in the marriage game for only 2 years. If I cannot control myself sexually now and am not deeply attracted to my wife...what happens 5 or 10 years down the road? I don't know if it will get worse or better.

 

I wish sexual attraction wasn't so important to me, but it is.

 

Please let me know what you think and please don't flame me. I am only being honest about my feelings and I'm not proud of them; but they are what they are, and it is the internet...if I lie here, I'd basically be lying to myself.

[Justanaverageguy]

Replied to a different post by accident ... sorry

Edited November 16, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[elaine567]

However; the moment of truth is here. My wife wants me to make a decision; either end the marriage, or continue it and have kids, i.e. a family.

 

However; I am attracted to other women, deeply attracted at times. My wife simply does not excite me the way she used to. There are times when I have to slightly force myself to sleep with her. Unfortunately, I have realized that physically, my wife is not 100% my type...maybe like 60%.

 

I have strayed with watching explicit content and also some flings. The truth is that those things are like cigarettes to me; I always walk away thinking "it's so much better with my wife." Yet part of me yearns for someone different and wants to start from scratch.

 

Do NOT have children. Do NOT bring them into this mess.

I think your misgivings about being too young for marriage are probably correct. You are a serial cheater, you are not really fully committed to her and frankly your wife deserves better.

Cut her loose and let her get on with her life so she can find a man to settle down with, a man who wants to settle down with her.

 

Go sow your wild oats, as that is what you need to do IMO.

[GirlStillStrong]

If you can't be faithful to the person you made vows to be faithful to, you have a serious personality problem and definitely SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN.

 

You should be in therapy trying to figure out why you cannot be faithful even though you promised to be. The fact that you are "only 60% compatible" does not give you an excuse for screwing around when you said you wouldn't. You should have left this woman last year like you said you would instead of cheating on her. You seem to think you are excused from your wedding vows just because you got a stomach ache.

 

Do you have any idea what human papilloma virus is? It is a sexually transmitted disease but you cannot tell someone has it. It CAUSES cervical cancer. It killed one of my best friends. Every single time you have "a fling" as you call it (no big deal, right?) you take the chance that you are picking up this virus and then giving it to your INNOCENT spouse who has trusted that you will PROTECT her, not HARM her. In fact, you may have already given it to her.

 

Do her a favor and leave. You sound like a very selfish person to me, who ONLY cares about himself and what he can get out of people.

[nutell]

Good points, appreciate your opinions.

 

I am selfish and have a strong sexual appetite. I don't hide it on the internet or to myself; though of course, I try to control it in public. That being said, what's wrong with being selfish?

 

In reality, you have one life to live. We're all selfish and greedy; selfish for love, money, success, sex, happiness...as long as my selfishness doesn't hurt others, it doesn't really matter. I don't love any other woman except my wife; and I definitely do not want, 100% do not want, an affair or some sort of side relationship. Good grief; one relationship is hard enough as it is...I really don't understand men who can handle two..where do they get the time or energy...I digress.

 

From a practical standpoint, I'm one of the easiest guys to get along with. I work hard, don't smoke, barely drink, don't bother my wife with b.s. (why did you decorate this like that? why won't you let me watch football? why did you spend too much here? blah blah blah), give her all the monetary resources she wants (she's no spendthrift though), listen to her, talk to her, take her out, etc... Don't picture some cold hearted man who makes women miserable. Frankly, I despise "miserable"; like I said, we only have one life; we should be happy.

 

I wish I hadn't mentioned "flings" because it derails the main point and skews people's judgement. To me, masturbation or a mostly emotionless fling is practically the same thing. No better or worse than going to a strip club with friends. Now it may be a cause for concern because it leads to the potential for sexual addiction; but aside from that, like I said, "flings" are rare, and emotionally meaningless compared to my relationship.

 

In the end, I do respect your opinions because they are hard hitting and exact. Lay it on me more if you wish.

 

P.S. I do believe, and it's no surprise, that men and women are wired very different and that monogamy is one of the most unnatural things for a man to attempt. Wish I had come to that conclusion earlier...though monogamy has it's purposes. Bottom line, from my perspective, sex is one thing, deep love is another; the two meet, but for some men, they are not mutually exclusive. Unfortunately, lust and sex are not long term compatible with monogamy...maybe if I became an eunuch.