gf is still mad over minor cheating

[SimpsonK]

Does anyone know how long will it take for her to stop bringing this?

 

The reason I'm calling it minor in my post is because all I did was made-out with another girl in one of my freshman classes in college. It was a sort of long kiss but then I felt guilty and told my gf of 2 years about it.

 

It's been about 3 months later since then but at times when we argue over stupid stuff, she still brings this on. I thought this was already worked out. I'm starting to get annoyed (at least I didn't have sex nor did anything else beyond kissing). It was only making out but I've already apologized many times. How many more times do I have to continue saying sorry?

 

Will she eventually not bring it up? I still apologize and keep reassuring her but I'm losing patience.

Edited September 18, 2013 by SimpsonK

[Phoe]

all I did was made-out with another girl

 

LOL why you trying to downplay it? Cheating is cheating. Kiss or more, you broke your girlfriends trust and go physical with someone else. Cheating.

 

 

You're lucky she didn't dump you but still brazen enough to be ANNOYED that she's upset from it?

 

 

I bet you she's also very upset with your attitude about it. "It was only making out!" - even though you're apologizing, your apologies likely aren't coming off as sincere at all. You don't seem remorseful

[SimpsonK]

You don't seem remorseful

I am remorseful but she's treating it like I had a full blown affair (sex that is) and that would have been worse than what I did.

 

I told it about it the next day because I felt terrible but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Imagine losing a pencil and reacting the same as if you were to lose a best friend or all your money?

[Phoe]

I am remorseful but she's treating it like I had a full blown affair (sex that is) and that would have been worse than what I did.

 

I told it about it the next day because I felt terrible but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Imagine losing a pencil and reacting the same as if you were to lose a best friend or all your money?

 

 

 

You need to change your mindset about this.

 

 

You don't think it's a big deal. She does.

 

 

You hurt her. You broke her trust.

 

 

You thinking it's not a big deal isn't gonna make her agree, it's just gonna make her feel worse, because she's hurt by it and you're downplaying it.

[SimpsonK]

You thinking it's not a big deal isn't gonna make her agree, it's just gonna make her feel worse, because she's hurt by it and you're downplaying it.

Ok you're right. I'll be patient. But if I can ask you a question: Do you how long is she going to stay mad?

 

I thought that when you forgive someone then you don't bring it up all the time.

[Phoe]

Ok you're right. I'll be patient. But if I can ask you a question: Do you how long is she going to stay mad?

 

I thought that when you forgive someone then you don't bring it up all the time.

 

There's no way to know how long she'll be mad. She might always be mad. It;s impossible to tell.

 

 

She may have told you she forgave you just to kinda sweep things under the rug, but still is hurt and resentful over it, not completely forgiving you.

 

 

It's hard to forgive what you can't forget. Very hard

[CptSaveAho]

Women have one double standard that they are allowed to have... you ready?

 

They are allowed to bring stuff up from the past at any time for any reason... this is something you are just going to have to deal with or leave her and move on

[SimpsonK]

There's no way to know how long she'll be mad. She might always be mad. It;s impossible to tell.

 

 

She may have told you she forgave you just to kinda sweep things under the rug, but still is hurt and resentful over it, not completely forgiving you.

 

 

It's hard to forgive what you can't forget. Very hard

Wow so it's true, women never totally forgive and forget after all and bring it up even if it's been a long while. A friend of mine told me this long ago and yes he's right. He said something like this ''Wrong a woman and she'll never let you forget it''.

 

I've been trying to make it up to her by being there for her, taking her out often, bringing roses, etc but whenever she's upset none of that works.

[PegNosePete]

Give it a month, if she's still going on about it then move on.

 

Set her free.

[KathyM]

Being cheated on is probably the most difficult thing to move past in a relationship. It's the most hurtful thing you could do to a partner. To expect them to never think about it or bring it up again is unrealistic. Your partner needs your help in processing the event, and will for a long time to come. She needs reassurance from you that it will never happen again, and that you regret it. That is the way to reconciliation and helping her to be able to move past this, is to give her that remorse and reassurance that she is needing in order to feel secure in the relationship again. And as another poster said, don't try to minimize it or downplay it. That will only make her feel worse. Every time she talks about it, be reassuring to her. That is what will help her get past this. Some people, however, can never truly get past it, because it shakes the very core of the relationship, which is trust. It destroys trust, which takes a long time to rebuild. In some cases, it can never be rebuilt completely once it is destroyed. Although a partner may forgive infidelity, they can't forget. It's a very traumatic thing to go through, and a very stressful thing to recover from. You should be showing her compassion for what you've put her through, and not expect her to just get over it. Every time she brings it up, reassure her how sorry you are for hurting her. The continual reassurance is what will help her to get past this and to process it.

[candie13]

Listen, the only thing I can say is the following: even though you've apologized and said you were sorry, it's not about saying those things. Not even about buying her flowers.

 

It's about understanding the harm you did, how you have hurt her, how her trust in you is now destroyed. I think what men may not understand is the importance of empathy. Minimizing your fault - even if it is not sex or an emotional affair - it is making her feel as if you think she is not right to be upset, mad, hurt.

 

By saying "it's just a kiss" you are denying her the legitimacy of her feelings... it's not about just the kiss, it's about how you becoming physically intimate with another girl - even if it's not sex - made her feel about you. About your relationship.

 

Be empathic and be patient. Allow her to ask you all the questions she needs to. Be understanding, don't back off. Don't be defensive, don't complain... Give her time and space, take her easy.

 

And if, indeed, she cannot get over it, you can start thinking about leaving... but it would be stupid. After 2 years...

[soccerrprp]

OP,

 

This is not a small or minor thing. You betrayed her trust in you. You showed that you are open to discretions that you know are wrong. Your gf is likely thinking that if you could "make-out" with another girl, then what more are you willing to do if in a compromising position?

 

candie13 is right here.

[IAmRobot]

Listen, the only thing I can say is the following: even though you've apologized and said you were sorry, it's not about saying those things. Not even about buying her flowers.

 

It's about understanding the harm you did, how you have hurt her, how her trust in you is now destroyed. I think what men may not understand is the importance of empathy. Minimizing your fault - even if it is not sex or an emotional affair - it is making her feel as if you think she is not right to be upset, mad, hurt.

 

By saying "it's just a kiss" you are denying her the legitimacy of her feelings... it's not about just the kiss, it's about how you becoming physically intimate with another girl - even if it's not sex - made her feel about you. About your relationship.

 

Be empathic and be patient. Allow her to ask you all the questions she needs to. Be understanding, don't back off. Don't be defensive, don't complain... Give her time and space, take her easy.

 

And if, indeed, she cannot get over it, you can start thinking about leaving... but it would be stupid. After 2 years...

 

THIS so much. Reread it 5 times.

 

People don't want to hear "sorry" bs and you justification. Be A MAN. Admit to her and to yourself that you did wrong and that you learned from that and would never let yourself be put in a similar position again.

 

Trust takes loong to build and a second to break.

[sabre80]

Women have one double standard that they are allowed to have... you ready?

 

They are allowed to bring stuff up from the past at any time for any reason... this is something you are just going to have to deal with or leave her and move on

 

Wow so it's true, women never totally forgive and forget after all and bring it up even if it's been a long while. A friend of mine told me this long ago and yes he's right. He said something like this ''Wrong a woman and she'll never let you forget it''.

 

I've been trying to make it up to her by being there for her, taking her out often, bringing roses, etc but whenever she's upset none of that works.

 

I am a man and this rhetoric angers me. There is no double standard. This is not some woman specific gift to remember the time you forgot to take out the garbage. This is betrayal. You may have lipped the words I am sorry but you are not remorseful. An apology without remorse is nothing.

 

A kiss is not minor cheating. There is cheating and there is loyalty. There are no shades of grey here. A kiss can be just as powerful as intercourse. Read about emotional affairs. Affairs in which there is no physical infidelity and they can be MORE painful than physical ones.

 

To answer your question OP though. . . she will never forget it. Men do not forget betrayal either. She may forgive you but you will spend the rest of your life (if you stay with her) maintaining and rebuilding trust.

[Space Ritual]

I am remorseful but she's treating it like I had a full blown affair (sex that is) and that would have been worse than what I did.

 

I told it about it the next day because I felt terrible but I didn't think it would lead to this.

 

Do you see what I'm trying to say? Imagine losing a pencil and reacting the same as if you were to lose a best friend or all your money?

 

she is bringing it on because you still don't get it

 

You are not remorseful, if you were actually remorseful you would not want her to just get over it. Your entire diatribe on this thread is justification, minimizing and whiny. Nut Up and either show her some respect or move on...

[IAmRobot]

I think the biggest problems if you do not see it as a big deal is that you might do it again... after all you don't think it's a big deal...

[Babolat]

THIS so much. Reread it 5 times.

 

People don't want to hear "sorry" bs and you justification. Be A MAN. Admit to her and to yourself that you did wrong and that you learned from that and would never let yourself be put in a similar position again.

 

Trust takes loong to build and a second to break.

 

And, ask yourself why you did it and THEN felt guilty. Do some work on yourself.

[Babolat]

I found a 3AM text in my ex's phone once, from a night when she was out partying/clubbing with her friends, from a man she met that night inviting her to breakfast. She replied only to say "Who is this". He replied back with enough detail that I know she spent some time talking to him and gave him her #.

 

She downplayed it sooo much, and THAT almost pissed me off more than the trust issue. Plus, she gave me 4 versions, over a week, as to what really happened that night/morning.

 

She eventually said "I wish I would have deleted the text so you never saw it". That was not the best thing to say to me.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's going to be brought up as long as she feels like it needs to be brought up and you are just going to have to deal with it. You lost all ability to complain about it when you cheated. You are lucky she didn't dump you on the spot -- I most certainly would have.

[pteromom]

Time doesn't heal. The only way she is going to heal from this is if she understands that you get it. That you understand why she is upset, own up to your mistake (and don't disqualify it by adding "but it was just a kiss" or "at least it wasn't sex"), and promise you will never do it again. Then you have to back that up in your actions by being open and transparent, showing her love, not paying attention to other girls, etc.

 

Once she knows she can trust you - that's when she can heal. And she can't know that if you are making it not a big deal.

[crederer]

It sounds like you don't think it's a big deal, and I'm sure she's getting that message.

 

Kissing in many ways is more intimate than sex.

 

You made your bed bud, if she can't get over it that's on you, not her.

[It's Just Me]

Ok you're right. I'll be patient. But if I can ask you a question: Do you how long is she going to stay mad?

 

I thought that when you forgive someone then you don't bring it up all the time.

 

If I were her, I'd have dumped your ass the day you told me. Would that have been easier for you?

[crederer]

She probably brings it up all the time because she doesn't forgive you but is afraid to be alone.

[SimpsonK]

OP,

 

This is not a small or minor thing. You betrayed her trust in you. You showed that you are open to discretions that you know are wrong. Your gf is likely thinking that if you could "make-out" with another girl, then what more are you willing to do if in a compromising position?

 

candie13 is right here.

Ok I understand but I already know I'm not going to do any of that again. I made a mistake that day, a stupid one.

[SimpsonK]

THIS so much. Reread it 5 times.

 

People don't want to hear "sorry" bs and you justification. Be A MAN. Admit to her and to yourself that you did wrong and that you learned from that and would never let yourself be put in a similar position again.

 

Trust takes loong to build and a second to break.

I admitted what I did the following day. How is that not being a man?