Nasty abusive GF. Is it time to give up?

[Jamesp23]

@downtown...Ive started reading the thread you linked to and so much of what Rebel says is exactly what my problem is with my partner. I think I am also co dependant and want to fix her. I often find myself feeling sorry for her and when it's good she's really really good.

 

The only thing I have a real problem trying to understand is why she was married to her ex husband for 18 years. I've had a brief chat to him about her once when she wasn't around and all he said was she likes getting her own way and is a lot like her mother. He didnt indicate that she did half the crap she does to me. He just said when she cracks it he would ignore her. So it makes me think either she's right and I'm half to blame and am the cause of her moods. Or she's only got like this since reaching peri menopause. (Which I might add is just my guess due to other signs and not something she's been diagnosed with)

 

I suppose that's the reason I stay hoping it will get better one day, or she will reach menopause and her hormones will settle and things will improve.

 

Could this be caused by a hormone imbalance brought about by peri menopause?

[freestyle]

And I hate to sound alarmist---

 

but I feel this needs to be said.

 

If you have to have any further contact with her, (such as giving her stuff from your house)...

 

Make sure you have someone with you--as a witness. Or a tape recorder in your pocket.Don't be alone with her.

BPD's are notorious for concocting false allegations against partners who

make the decision to leave. They can become emotionally dysregulated to the point of having what's known as an "extinction burst".....

Essentially they'll pull out their full arsenal of bad behaviors

 

And you don't want to be in the fallout zone, when they melt down.

[Jamesp23]

Today she text me about $100 of hers I had and told me to transfer it and threatened if I didn't she would play her trump card and I would be sorry. I ignored her for a few hours and she said it again. I transferred the money but didnt reply to her. She said TY and said I could come and get my stuff tonight. I waited awhile and just said cant tonight will get it next week. She said it will be outside then.

 

Then a bit later she sent me a screen shot of flights she had cancelled for a trip we were going on saying she cancelled mine but rebooked hers somewhere else, with lots of wink wink icons and stuff just trying to rub it in.

I ignored all of her texts except to say I'd get my stuff next week.

 

My sister said she's starting to stress because I'm not begging her to take me back and not getting sucked into having a text argument etc with her and she's probably realised now she's lost me so is starting to panic.

Must admit now that the weekend is here its a lot harder for me. I have my sons over which is good but the aching feeling of a broken heart started the minute I got home. I seem to be fine during the week and get worse on weekends.

Her daughter text me today about other things and said that she hasn't even told her we've broken up yet. I don't know why she would keep it from her.

 

I've brought the iBook "Stop walking on egg shells", to read because that's me to a T.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Jamesp23

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you're doing well thus far. Do not respond to her taunts, she is just trying to see if she still has control of your emotions. She's a completely manipulative nutter.

 

As for the weekend you should do something you've been wanting to do but have been guilted out of not doing. Take a camping trip and enjoy nature before it gets too cold out, buy some scalped tickets to a concert, go to an NFL game, etc. Just do something nice for you, and realize now you can do nice things for yourself whenever you want... and never let anyone make you feel like you can't be happy again.

 

I can tell you this, once she runs out of her abusive ammo (as you're going to be tough and not respond with any emotion, or not at all unless necessary, be stoic) she will likely start making promises about treating you better and how you're the most amazing person... ignore these as well. As the abuse will start back up if she gets you back hooked again.

 

If you want to live a happy life, NEVER get back with this person.

[Downtown]

Could this be caused by a hormone imbalance brought about by peri menopause?

Yes, absolutely, James. Every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has the traits to some degree, even in adulthood.

 

At issue, then, is not whether your GF has BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she has them at a strong and persistent level. If the traits have been both strong and persistent throughout her adult life, it means she is on the high end of the spectrum for having the disorder itself.

 

If the traits are not persistent throughout adulthood, however, it means she has only had a flareup in the BPD traits we all have. Such flareups can be caused by drug abuse, head injury, or brain tumor.

 

Flareups also can be caused, as you suggest, by a hormone change. Indeed, the flareups caused by the rush of hormones during puberty cause so many teenagers to behave like BPDers that psychologists generally refuse to diagnose it until a person has reached 18. Similarly, it is common for women to exhibit strong BPD traits for up to two years right after giving birth -- or even during pregnancy or during the midlife change in hormones.

 

My advice, however, is that you not hang around -- with her hating your children and abusing you -- to see if her behavior improves in a few years. Emotionally healthy men do not tolerate such abuse, especially when the hatred is targeted to their young children.

[pteromom]

I suppose that's the reason I stay hoping it will get better one day, or she will reach menopause and her hormones will settle and things will improve.

 

Could this be caused by a hormone imbalance brought about by peri menopause?

 

Could her mood swings, anger, unpredictability, and emotions be caused by a hormone imbalance? Sure.

 

Could her calling you a loser, insulting you, manipulating you, and being cruel be caused by a hormone imbalance? NO. That is caused by a lack of values, selfishness, and perhaps BPD or some other personality disorder. Basically, she believes in her core that it is OK to force someone else to lose in order for her to win, and that is NOT something you can change. Only intensive therapy can (maybe) change it.

[pteromom]

Another book I highly recommend is The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Very very good book, and gives a lot of insight into what the abuser is thinking as well as how to cope and when to get away.

[pteromom]

I've posted this before, but not for you. Your gf is firmly in "Reality 1".

 

[FONT=trebuchet ms, arial, helvetica]In her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans proposes two distinct realities that abusers and their victims experience. People in Reality 1 experience every situation, conversation, or interaction as having a winner and a loser. There is nothing in between; therefore, if you are not clearly the winner (being dominant) you must have lost. To lose is to be powerless and weak, a terrible feeling to be avoided at all cost. Reality 1 people have learned that life is this way at the hands of Reality 1 parents or caretakers. Since no one stepped up to say that this was wrong, long standing anger and resentment have hidden inside, only to resurface years later when the now grown individual has power over others, usually women or children. Unfortunately, this prevents real relationships.

 

 

The other reality, referred to as Reality 2, requires connection to feelings. Feelings are used to know who we are, what is important, and what we need. Reality 2 people have personal power and expect everyone else to have personal power as well. In Reality 2, mutuality is the name of the game. Cooperation in a mutually created win-win world is the primary goal.

 

 

In order to have a Reality 2 relationship, both people must want it that way. If one person lives in a Reality 1 world, mutuality is impossible. Living in Reality 2 requires high levels of self-esteem and high levels of trust. It requires connection with feelings, also known as emotional intelligence. In real life, relationships span a continuum between the extremes of Reality 1 and Reality 2.

 

 

If we are to eliminate relationships in which one person uses verbal abuse to keep control, we must teach recognition of dominance behaviors. Children must be raised in environments that model Reality 2 and prepares them for Reality 2 adult relationships. It must be common knowledge that verbal abuse is simply a means of keeping control and power over another.

[GorillaTheater]

James, give some thought to apologizing to your children. I've done it before when I've been out of line. Children tend to be far more forgiving than you know, and there's a lesson here that you've hopefully learned that you can share with them in the process.

[M30USA]

Yes, it is your own fault for allowing it. You've trained her into believing what she is doing is ok. You need to put your foot down. If I received a crazy text like that I'd simply respond "blah blah blah, talk to me once you're ready to have an adult conversation".

 

She is nuts and controlling, and you can't change that. But you need to grow a backbone and let her know her behavior is unacceptable and you'll do what you want to do. Honestly I wouldn't get back with her. If she tries to come back tell her that her behavior has been unacceptable and you're going to find someone who treats you with respect. Then stop responding to her and go about your life, shackle free.

 

Pretty much.

[M30USA]

Forget the e-mail. If she contacts you again, just tell her it's over. Don't get into all the "whys." That will only end up with her promising to change and you ending up in the exact same place you are in now. Just tell her it's over, end of story. No need for long e-mails explaining or rationalizing your decision.

 

Agreed.

 

In a discussion or negotiation between a crazy person and a sane person, the crazy person will always win. You literally cannot make any progress with a pathological person. This is a hard lesson to learn in life, and usually it takes much pain and destruction before people realize this.

[M30USA]

Having an abusive past is NO EXCUSE. I come from an abusive home and I have been with two abusive men.

 

It is not my fault that I have anger management issues from my past, however I would only have myself to blame if I chose to keep being the same person.

 

Anyone who wants to heal and become healthier will do the work.

 

A person doesn't need to have an abusive past in order to become Borderline. It can also happen if a person was spoiled by his/her parents and was not raised with accountability.

[Haydn]

James, All the advice i have got form this forum has always been so helpful. Many people here have already made me feel better, just by knowing that i am not alone and my problems are not unique. I know how you feel and i know how hard is to even give 50% attention to your kids when your heart is blown apart. I was guilty of the same with my daughter, much to my shame. I put an woman who hurt me over and over again first. Yes it still hurts. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it gets better. But the advice Downtown has give about BPD has been the most helpful for me. I have only just finished reading all the stuff Downtown suggested and am noW devouring more. I consider that i was in an abusive relationship and i wanted to please her all the time. I couldn`t hope to carry on like that. I would have fallen down at some point, lost my job, hell even my looks! But hang in there, there will be good and bad days. And its really not wrong to be so much in love. Take care.

Haydn.

 

 

`VIVID AND IN YOUR PRIME, I WILL LEAVE YOU BEHIND` (MORRISSEY)