Need some objectivity - does he have GIGS?

[whiteknighted]

Hey,

 

I need some outsiders' perspectives on whether my ex has GIGS or not. I don't want to write a big wall of text so will try and bullet point the main issues:

 

Some background

• 
  We were in a 5 year relationship which had been long distance for 3.5 years (seeing each other every 1-2 weeks). He'd previously been in other long term relationships but ended due to personality differences/ arguments/ etc.
  

• 
  I then got a job in his city and moved in with him which put some pressures on our relationship to start with while we adjusted to living together but then became the best year of our relationship
  

• 
  After 1 year I moved back to my own city for school (which would last the next 3 years) - 3 months later he broke up with me.
  

• 
  We got on extremely well and never fought in our relationship. We seemed to be on the same page in many ways and understood each other better than anyone else did
  

• 
  the only issue that ever came between us is that he liked to go out clubbing with a 'friend' who was interested in sleeping with him, but who he didn't reciprocate feelings for. I felt this was unfair to me, even though nothing untoward had happened between them, but my ex-bf didn't see what the issue was: he knew he could be trusted, so I shouldn't worry.
   
  The Split:
  
  • 
    We spent Christmas together which seemed very nice and relaxed. We spoke about future plans, including our upcoming 5 month anniversary. Over Christmas as part of the play fighting we would sometimes engage in, he joked that it was over and gave a big "awwww" and cuddled me when I pouted and pretended I was sad
    

• 
  I didn't see him on the first weekend in January, but we texted while we were both out on the Saturday night. He went for dinner in a nice restaurant with some friends and I asked if we could go there together sometime, to which he replied "Anything you want my darling!" (which was a very cute and loveable and somewhat rare written display of affection.
  

• 
  We saw each other the 2nd weekend of January. He was extremely cold and distant towards me which hurt my feelings but I put it down to him being stressed out with work issues - he'd often isolate himself when stressed and this just seemed like a more extreme version of this, so I didn't push him on it. However, I felt like I had been made to feel very unwelcome and decided that when he felt better I would confront him about how he his behaviour had made me feel.
  

• 
  But I didn't get the chance - the following week, he drove to my city and showed up at my house out of the blue and ended it.
  

 

Reasons for ending it:

• 
  He said that he didn't give me enough time, that I made all the effort to fit into his life while he didn't make much to fit into mine (it was me who travelled to see him most weeks) and that we had grown apart and had less in common (I had felt the complete opposite!). I pushed him on this further and he admitted his feelings were not so altruistic - that his feelings had changed and wouldn't change back.
  

• 
  He said he didn't know how long he had felt like this, but he had felt things weren't right for a while and it was only in the past few days he realised his feelings for me had changed and it wasn't fair to continue.
  

• 
  He said there was nothing we could do to try and fix it - and it wasn't due to the recent change in our circumstances.
  

• 
  When I asked if there was anyone else involved he said no, and that there also wasn't anyone in his environment that he had feelings for. He also said he might just be single for the rest of his life.
  

 

The aftermath:

• 
  I was left in a daze for a few months, having been completely blindsided by the split and desperate for answers. I thought he'd had some kind of breakdown due to the stresses in his life and attributed the split to trying somehow to free up some 'mental resources'.
  

• 
  We then had no contact for a few months although we were facebook friends still, but he didn't post much on his account.
  

• 
  In May, I saw he made a dating profile on a website and also saw a photo of him out clubbing posing with another person and they had their arms round each others sides.
  

• 
  Having felt I'd be given no answers as to why we split, I was angry to see him looking for someone else and phoned him to see if he could give me any now that it was clear he was looking for someone.
  

• 
  He said he made the profile so he could browse the website and see the guys (we're gay) that his clubbing friend wanted to show him (i.e. the other guy's conquests etc). and that the person in the photo I saw of him was just a random guy.
  

• 
  He then said that he was in no way looking for a relationship, he didnt feel capable of being in one and didn't think he ever would be again - but if he did, it's me he'd want to be in one with.
  

• 
  He said there was nobody better for him that me and that i was right - he just didn't have the resources any more to be in a relationship.
  

• 
  I asked him if I hadn't moved away would we have split up and he said "probably not" but the change in our circumstances was too much.
  

• 
  As part of the conversation he also spoke about us in the present tense at one point.
  

 

The aftermath of that conversation:

• 
  I felt like I had been right all along - he'd had some sort of meltdown and broke up with me as a result of it. I also felt a hope that we'd get back together in the future once he'd sorted himself out.
  

• 
  However, this false hope was eating away at me and I decided I need absolute no contact - and to delete each other off facebook. I wanted to see him in person one last time to chat this over (and also to collect some things) but when I contacted him to arrange meeting up, it turned out he'd had a death in the family that week, so I had to postpone.
  

• 
  In the meantime, I spoke to one of his friends who said he was going out every weekend drinking and clubbing, but that she thought he would just do this to fill some loneliness in his life and wouldn't do it long term although she was concerned by the amount of alcohol he was drinking. She also told me he had quit his job and was setting up a business with another friend (a very drastic move on his part - he hated change!)
  

 

We met again in person in August:

• 
  I then saw him in person again but this time he went back on everything he said in May - he said he meant to add the caveat of "If I still had feelings for you" to all 3 of the powerful statements he made to me at that time.
  

• 
  He said that there was absolutely nothing I did wrong in the relationship and that I didn't deserve any of this at all.
  

• 
  He acknowledged he has emotional problems and struggles to connect to people and often has to project an image of himself to the outside world, so much so that his friends don't really know the real him. He said nobody knew him better than me and that no-one will love him as unconditionally as I did.
  

• 
  I noticed he'd become more fashionable in his dress sense and had been working out a lot more.
  

• 
  He said he was sorry for the hurt he caused me and felt guilty, but it was the right decision to make and had been on a few dates with a guy (someone older than him, which I was very surprised by - I am a few years younger than him and he always liked younger guys).
  

• 
  He'd also made some new friends and was doing quite novel activities with them - such as indoor wall climbing and admitted to drinking and clubbing a lot.
  

The aftermath of our meeting:

• 
  We decided to go full on no-contact. I then saw a few weeks later he'd made another dating profile, but this time had included a picture of himself, a description of himself and a description of the type of guy he was looking for.
  

• 
  The description of himself sounds like he's projecting a few ideals about the type of person he'd like to be
  

• 
  The type of guy he's looking for sounds exactly like me!
  

 

I know he's never loved anyone as much as he loved me. The same holds true for how I feel about him. I'm aware I probably had GIGS at different points over the years - my feelings for him fluctuated but always got stronger over time. I wonder if he's experiencing GIGS and is perhaps in stage 2 of it now?

 

I'm sorry this ended up so long, but would appreciate any comments or feedback as to whether he is experiencing GIGS or whether it's something else.

[Philosoraptor]

Yes, no, maybe, why does it matter?

 

The only thing for sure here is that he decided he didn't want to be with you anymore and that he's starting to move on with his life.

 

Sounds like, from your story, that he had been thinking about ending things for awhile and finally got the courage to do it. I'm sure there was more to it than he told you (there usually is), but he made a conscious choice to end things. You are desperately trying to find hope here when you really need to search for acceptance so you can begin to move on yourself.

[whiteknighted]

Not having any tangible reason as to why it ended has been extremely difficult. Our relationship was a smooth, harmonious one with no drama - we were really perfect for each other.

 

If he had GIGs I could at least get my head around it somewhat - I experienced it myself but didn't act upon it. Otherwise I'm left wondering what I did wrong, what I could have changed and what was so wrong about me that made leaving me after 5 years seem like a much better option than staying with me. Yes, there is hope that he might one day come back, but I think I also need to feel like I might one day have some power over the situation instead of feeling powerless and helpless.

[Philosoraptor]

People grow, drift apart. Sometimes they mask things for quite a long time in "hopes" that things will get better rather than actually articulating the issue and working on it together.

 

A reason will give you nothing. It will just make you insecure about the same thing in the future. Truth is that if you were just being yourself, that's all that matters and all you should be doing. Just be you and do what comes natural, and don't worry about what someone else may think you should be.

[whiteknighted]

This past weekend I uncovered another piece of the puzzle so I though I'd update this thread. In my first post I said:

 

"The split:

 

We spent Christmas together which seemed very nice and relaxed. We spoke about future plans, including our upcoming 5 month anniversary. Over Christmas as part of the play fighting we would sometimes engage in, he joked that it was over and gave a big "awwww" and cuddled me when I pouted and pretended I was sad

 

I didn't see him on the first weekend in January, but we texted while we were both out on the Saturday night. He went for dinner in a nice restaurant with some friends and I asked if we could go there together sometime, to which he replied "Anything you want my darling!" (which was a very cute and loveable and somewhat rare written display of affection.

 

We saw each other the 2nd weekend of January. He was extremely cold and distant towards me which hurt my feelings but I put it down to him being stressed out with work issues - he'd often isolate himself when stressed and this just seemed like a more extreme version of this, so I didn't push him on it. However, I felt like I had been made to feel very unwelcome and decided that when he felt better I would confront him about how he his behaviour had made me feel.

 

But I didn't get the chance - the following week, he drove to my city and showed up at my house out of the blue and ended it."

 

It turns out that the night he sent me the "anything you want my darling!" text, he ended up going out clubbing with the friend who wanted to sleep with him. He never told me about this and when I met him in August, he lied to my face and said that he bumped into this guy in question who introduced him to a new friend, but he made out as if they literally bumped into each other on the street and had a quick chat.

 

I never had any reason to suspect my ex was out clubbing but it just occurred to me the other day that he might've ended up there and I checked the clubs Facebook photo album from that night and I saw him in 2 pictures.

 

It's the missing piece of the puzzle and now i know why my ex's behaviour towards me changed overnight - by the Monday morning the tone of his texts to me had changed and by the Friday when I saw him he could barely look at me. It obviously makes me suspect that he was cheating on me and was projecting his guilt onto me before deciding to break up.

 

It could also be the case that he knew if he told me he'd gone out clubbing with this friend that he knew I would be unhappy about it and by feeling he had to keep it a secret ended up causing him to resent me and decide we shouldn't be together. That's perhaps me being too kind to him. He probably cheated and if he could lie so easily and convincingly to my face I don't know what else to believe.

 

Any words of comfort or support would be welcome. I'm feeling very upset by this revelation - in everything I've been through with my exboyfriend, the one thing I always said he would never do and wasn't capable of doing, was tell lies.

[aybc123]

It's the missing piece of the puzzle and now i know why my ex's behaviour towards me changed overnight - by the Monday morning the tone of his texts to me had changed and by the Friday when I saw him he could barely look at me. It obviously makes me suspect that he was cheating on me and was projecting his guilt onto me before deciding to break up.

 

Honestly, reading your story your ex actually sounds a little like me. Even down to the isolating myself from my partner when stressed thing.

 

I was in a long term relationship once that had turned long distance and i guess felt wasn't going as well as it had been (like your story again the time before my partner moved away had been the best of our relationship) anyway over the course of the year i felt us drift apart and my feelings for her lessen. I began considering ending it and decided it was probably for the best, but couldnt bring myself to for i guess a month or so. Until one night i got blindingly drunk and kissed a girl i was friends with who i knew had a thing for me. Woke up in the morning and wondered what the hell I had done, i guess i was acting like i was already single when I wasnt. Anyway i couldnt take the guilt, couldnt look my gf in the eye, couldnt kiss her, could barely text her because it was all fake now and i felt so (deservedly) horrible about it. Anyway i considered telling her and then breaking up with her (i wish i had now) but it would've ended the relationship of the friend i kissed, plus i didnt want to hurt my soon to be ex even more (though in hindsight it would've helped her moving on, i didn't consider that at the time) plus most of all, i was too cowardly. Anyway so i drove up to her and broke up with her, citing all of the reasons why i'd been considering it for the last couple of months.

 

She was ok, or at least seemed it, and we stayed in sporadic contact, i knew she still had feelings for me from some of the chats we had but i always had in my mind that even though i was coming to deeply regret not just telling her what had happened i nthe first place and trying to work it out that i couldnt possibly tell her now and that i absolutely couldnt be in a relationship with someone i'd cheated on who didnt know about it, not telling her was bad enough but that was a step too far. So i just sort of convinced myself it was for the best and I couldnt be with her. But that yes i would definitely be looking for someone like her that i wouldnt screw things up with.

 

Anyway that's just one of my stories, but i thought it sounded familiar to your situation, i'm not saying that's what has happened, but it is a possibility.

Edited October 29, 2013 by aybc123

[whiteknighted]

Wow, this situation sounds so incredibly similar that I could imagine my ex writing the same post. Id also imagine him feeling quite tortured with himself about cheating and that is why he would end things so unexpectedly. Although it would be cowardly to never have told me about it, seeing as he's had many chances by now.

 

I wonder if this potential cheating and the guilt associated with it is why he said to me in May that there was nobody better for him than me, and if he felt capable of being in a relationship again it's me he'd want to be in one with. But in August had changed that, saying he should have added "if I still had feelings for you" to the end of those statements. His blurb on his new dating profile sounds like he's looking for me again, but he's not going to find a better version of me. I am a better version of who I was when he ended it with me.

[whiteknighted]

Just an update - I ended up seeing my ex last week as I was in his city and I wanted to confront him about this knowledge.

 

He admitted he was guilty of lying by omission and said he felt guilty going out clubbing that night (although nothing happened with anyone) and that he knew I'd be upset by it. He agreed that this was the trigger that caused him to break up with me.

 

He finally gave me some explanation as to why his feelings changed - he felt like he was being my caretaker when we lived together, that we were stuck in a rut and that I didn't appreciate how much he did for me and felt taken for granted. He also said an element of his going out clubbing was the attention that he received from people - it was an ego boost and made him feel desirable.

 

I told him that he shouldn't have lied about this night out as it might've prepared me more for the split as I'd have recognised problems between us. I also said some other things about how cruelly he had treated me since we broke up.

 

At this point he started to cry - something I never saw him do in the 5 years we were together. He said he couldn't face hearing me (the person he has emotionally invested more of himself in and who knew him better than anyone) tell him how much of a horrible person he is. He also said it took a long time to get over seeing me last time as he realised how badly he'd handled everything and that he was wracked with guilt about how he'd treated me, but also that I had said some very cruel things to him (in my defence, I was just saying what I felt about how cold and cruel he had been to me).

 

These 2 things combined finally make me feel like I can make sense in all this. Seeing him cry and describe the void I had left in his life finally makes me realise that I had a great impact on his life, that he really did love me very much and that he has also suffered as a result of the breakup. Him also telling me the reason why his feelings started to change has also been incredible cathartic as I now can make sense of it, and I fully recognise where we went wrong.

 

What makes me sad is that he never communicated any of these problems to me along the way - he waited will they had built up too much and then decided the only option was to break up with me. It makes me feel good to know he didn't have other fundamental reasons for ending it with me - that deep down I'm not someone who is unlovable.

 

He complimented me a few times on my appearance and said he recognised how far I'd come in terms of having independence in my life. He also said that he could see these changes in me when we were together, but if anything that frustrated him more so because he could see how capable I was but still seemed to rely on him for lots of things.

 

I came away from our meeting with the first feeling of acceptance I've ever felt since the breakup. I no longer resent him for ending it with me and I understand why it happened. In a weird way, it's made me a better person - almost the person I should have been when we were together.

 

I couldn't help but feel that he realises that we could be very good together and that perhaps he has regrets about us breaking up. It makes me feel like he did have GIGS and realises the grass isn't greener - the better version of me that he is searching for is, in fact, me!

 

I don't know where things will go from here. We've returned to NC but finally I don't feel so angry, so betrayed and so insignificant to him any more. I feel ok - and we're both going to be ok. And we'll likely never reconcile, but at least I know I left a lasting legacy.

[Philosoraptor]

You're still trying to put a term on it, but it's not GIGS. He said clearly he was unhappy with the relationship and gave many valid reasons for wanting to end it. His fault was not expressing himself while in the relationship, but it wasn't a sudden need to run out and party. It was a need to feel desired and appreciated. Again, this is something he should have communicated but he made his decision to leave rather than communicate and give the relationship a chance by being fully honest. He lied and hid things from you, and used that as his basis to end things rather than having a desire to work things out.

 

It's good you found some peace with this new knowledge. Hopefully you learn from this experience and find someone who can open up to you in the future. On his end, hopefully he learns to open up himself and be honest with his feelings.

[Emilia]

Our relationship was a smooth, harmonious one with no drama - we were really perfect for each other.

This isn't necessarily a good thing.

 

He finally gave me some explanation as to why his feelings changed - he felt like he was being my caretaker when we lived together, that we were stuck in a rut and that I didn't appreciate how much he did for me and felt taken for granted. He also said an element of his going out clubbing was the attention that he received from people - it was an ego boost and made him feel desirable.

for this reason.

 

I think for an LTR to survive you must remain interesting for the other person and conflict is the sign that two independent people are communicating to maintain their commitment to each other as long as conflicts get resolved. It sounds like you gave up too much of yourself in your relationship and he got bored. Evidence:

 

He complimented me a few times on my appearance and said he recognised how far I'd come in terms of having independence in my life. He also said that he could see these changes in me when we were together, but if anything that frustrated him more so because he could see how capable I was but still seemed to rely on him for lots of things.

 

How often did you have sex?

[whiteknighted]

How often did you have sex?

 

Less and less frequently as time wore on. We acknowledged we both had quite low sex drives which I guess helped all the years we were long distance. But latterly it was always me who instigated sex (except interestingly the last time we did anything sexual which was initiated by him).

 

I can agree with his overall sentiment that he did a lot for me while we lived together and I took it for granted, although I could argue about some of the specifics. Towards the end I felt it was me putting all the effort into the relationship - although that makes sense if he was withdrawing from me gradually.

 

His clandestine clubbing nights out started long before we moved in together though, so I don't take full responsibility that it was because I didn't appreciate him or show desire towards him that drove him to seek that out. He tip toed closer and closer to crossing the line with that - even though I do belief him that he never cheated on me.

[Emilia]

His clandestine clubbing nights out started long before we moved in together though, so I don't take full responsibility that it was because I didn't appreciate him or show desire towards him that drove him to seek that out. He tip toed closer and closer to crossing the line with that - even though I do belief him that he never cheated on me.

What's wrong with his going out clubbing? Or is the issue that he hid it from you? Do you two avoid conflict in general?

[whiteknighted]

My problem was that he would go with a particular guy who was quite unashamed about the fact he wanted to sleep with my ex. He was quite a predatory sort of guy and had slept with one member of a gay couple behind the others back (yet was very good friends with both). I knew he wouldn't be respectful of our relationship and I didn't like him muscling in on my territory so to speak.

 

My main issue with this stemmed from one time my ex went clubbing with him and ended up going back to his afterwards. He told me about this very matter of factly the next day - they played some Xbox, ate some food then he got a cab home. I said that this whole situation was very suspicious - he goes out with the guy that has the hots for him and ends up back at his afterwards - the poor guy must've need a cold shower after that!

 

I said that he shouldn't put himself in situations that could be misconstrued - if the other guy said that something happened between them that night my ex wouldn't have had a leg to stand on. My ex insisted I could trust him and had nothing to worry about and didn't see why I had an issue - they were just friends. I told him I did trust him but my trust was being put to the test everytime he went out with him and I didn't think it was fair to do that to me. It also didn't help my insecurities when I saw some Facebook messages between them where the guy was very flirtatious and suggestive to my ex (who didn't respond) although my ex would never mention me to him.

 

It didn't help either that these nights out were never planned in advance (or at least I was never told about them in advance) and only ever happened when I wasn't in town.

[whiteknighted]

Just having a re-read over this and thought I would also add that my ex admitted that the reason he never mentioned me to this guy when they chatted on Facebook was because the other guy would get very sarcastic about me.

 

So rather than stick up for me or show solidarity - he just omitted mentioning me to him. For example, if we went to see a movie together he'd say something to him like "I really enjoyed it but the friend I was with didn't", or he'd mention coming to visit me by saying he was in my city - like my name was suddenly replaced with the name of my city.

 

In 2 weeks, it's going to be a year since we split up... how the hell do I stop thinking about it?

[Grumpybutfun]

Just having a re-read over this and thought I would also add that my ex admitted that the reason he never mentioned me to this guy when they chatted on Facebook was because the other guy would get very sarcastic about me.

 

So rather than stick up for me or show solidarity - he just omitted mentioning me to him. For example, if we went to see a movie together he'd say something to him like "I really enjoyed it but the friend I was with didn't", or he'd mention coming to visit me by saying he was in my city - like my name was suddenly replaced with the name of my city.

 

In 2 weeks, it's going to be a year since we split up... how the hell do I stop thinking about it?

 

Give yourself a break. You are internalizing aspects of this breakup that you have no control over. A year is nothing if you are still holding onto hope or regret.

The only way to get over a LTR is to process your pain, own your role in the demise of the relationship, and become a better, less needy you. Also, value that you came out of a LTR as a better man and with more insight about yourself and what you need and value rather than worrying about the tiny nuances of the breakup.

You deserve to find someone who is in the same place as you in their life, perhaps a non partier who doesn't need to party with obvious predators and respects you enough to take up for you when anyone tries to ignore or put you down. You deserve that man for your boyfriend. The one who is attentive in and out of the bedroom.

Best,

Grumps

[whiteknighted]

Thanks Grumps. That is just what I needed to hear