He can't get an erection!

[Lisa]

Hi there,

 

I hope it is ok to post such a personal issue, but I need some opinions desperately. I have been dating a guy for about a month now, he is 24 and I am 27. Everything is perfect between us. He is sweet, kind, INCREDIBLY affectionate with me, and constantly telling me how attracted he is to me. However, everytime we mess around, he never has an erection! I go to touch him, and nothing happens, I mean nothing. Then I do other things that would turn him on, like kissing his belly, thighs etc etc, and still nothing.

 

So we decided to try having sex, and nothing happened. He went to get on top of me, and his penis was completely limp. I asked him a few times what was wrong, and he claims, he does not know, and that it might be performance anxiety. But it is obvious by his lack of erection that he is simply not aroused. Yet, he kisses and caresses me consistantly.

 

I asked him if he was gay, and he said no. He told me not to worry, and that he would work it out. But I know its going to happen again the next time we start fooling around. I really like this guy, he is a wonderful person, and I don't want to end things because of his problem. I just don't know what to do about it. I mean, I can't get my guy off! Now I am thinking how are we ever going to have sex? I am really falling for him, but I am totally and utterly confused by his sexual problem. I am not ugly, or fat or unattractive, so whats his deal? Please tell me what to do? I don't want to dump him!

[Laurynn]

First of all, is he on any type of medications, particularly antidepressants? Antidepressants (which a lot of people are taking these days) have a nasty side effect of decreased libido (sex drive). It might be something you want to ask him.

 

Has he ever had sex before? Has he ever been in a relationship before? In all the time you've been with him, has he ever had even a mild erection??

 

How is his reaction to all this? Does he seem rather embarassed or does he simply blow it off? (pardon the pun

 

Is he under a lot of stress lately? Any problems with insomnia? Stress, depression, lack of sleep can cause problems with sex drive and erection abilities.

 

If he's a virgin, and you've had sexual relationships in the past (not sure if this is the case), it's possible that he's simply totally nervous and unsure of himself....and fear of "not doing the right thing" is psyching him right out. Afterall, the largest sex organ in the body is the BRAIN.

 

Has he ever had this problem before?

 

Does he do drugs at all? I know drugs like cocaine, although they increase sex drive, they are known for preventing an erection.

 

Does he have diabetes? Diabetes affects the circulation.....and an erect penis becomes that way due to an increased blood flow to the penis. A circulation problem could prevent this. He should see his family doctor and have a simple blood test to see if he's diabetic, seriously.

 

If he can't figure out the cause of this, his first step might be seeing a Urologist (specialist who specializes in these matters as well as urinary tract, bladder, etc)

 

Is there any way he could be seeing someone *else*? Sometimes when a guy is cheating on his partner, the guilt of doing so overtakes his sex drive.

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

I'd bet my life the problem is anxiety. He sees you as three years older, more experienced, more worldly and possibly expecting some sexual contortions and acrobatics he may not be familiar with. You need to have a gentle conversation with him about your expectations and make them reasonable.

 

It is possible that he is a virgin and is too shy to tell you. Rather than ask him, use your own judgement and assure him you will take things slowly and work with him. Let him know you are willing to be patient. I really think that once you do that, things will improve.

 

Sex is 95 percent a mind thing and 5 percent a penis thing for a man. Considering his age, I would think it's something psychological. I'm very sure he's attracted to you or he wouldn't be seeing you or affectionate with you. (When a guy is really horny, unless the female is outlandishly unattractive, that issue takes a back seat anyway).

 

He also needs to get a check up from a doctor to ensure there are no medical problems that would prevent him from having an erection. High blood pressure, low blood sugar, diabetes, and a host of other maladies can contribute to impotence. You can find more information at any medical website...use your search engine. Is he on any medications that could be affecting his virility?

 

If after you have eased all his concerns and anxieties...and after all possible health issues have been ruled out, then he should see a highly competent psychotherapist for counselling. There may be some issues that go way back that he must resolve. This can usually be taken care of in three to six sessions if the therapist is good.

 

I really don't think this problem will be hard to solve.

[Quandary]

I would have him eat a bunch of oysters... they are Aphrodisiacs (spelling)

 

Anyway I have been told that the problem will be reverse... (won't go down) it's worth a shot.

 

Don't dump him, if you love e/t else about him you guys are going to have to work through this together.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Juds]

I'm with Tony. Unless there is a medical condition or a medication side-effect involved, I would put money on performance anxiety.

 

I have read articles on this subject, and most sex therapists recommend taking the focus off intercourse, and putting the focus more back on foreplay, and mutual caressing. If the pressure is off him, and he is able to relax a little more, then perhaps he will get into it.

 

Maybe try a couple of glasses of wine, followed by a warm shower together, and then just relax into it, rather than put all the focus on his erection.

 

I would also suggest that if you two are going to discuss this issue, that you do it OUT of the bedroom. Try and keep the discussion calm and non-blaming. If he feels that it is a mutual problem, rather than his "failing" he may relax a little more.

 

Good Luck, this problem is very common. There are many sex therapists that have remarkable results too, if your problem becomes an ongoing one. It is a curable problem.

 

Don't give up on a lovely guy for this reason only. The two of you can work it out, and I'll bet it would strengthen your relationship. Just give him a bit of time.

[?..?]

Of course everyone agrees with tony's advise but fails to note that lauryn gave the exact same advise. maybe even better. tony you are the king i guess.

 

I'd bet my life the problem is anxiety. He sees you as three years older, more experienced, more worldly and possibly expecting some sexual contortions and acrobatics he may not be familiar with. You need to have a gentle conversation with him about your expectations and make them reasonable.

 

It is possible that he is a virgin and is too shy to tell you. Rather than ask him, use your own judgement and assure him you will take things slowly and work with him. Let him know you are willing to be patient. I really think that once you do that, things will improve. Sex is 95 percent a mind thing and 5 percent a penis thing for a man. Considering his age, I would think it's something psychological. I'm very sure he's attracted to you or he wouldn't be seeing you or affectionate with you. (When a guy is really horny, unless the female is outlandishly unattractive, that issue takes a back seat anyway).

 

He also needs to get a check up from a doctor to ensure there are no medical problems that would prevent him from having an erection. High blood pressure, low blood sugar, diabetes, and a host of other maladies can contribute to impotence. You can find more information at any medical website...use your search engine. Is he on any medications that could be affecting his virility? If after you have eased all his concerns and anxieties...and after all possible health issues have been ruled out, then he should see a highly competent psychotherapist for counselling. There may be some issues that go way back that he must resolve. This can usually be taken care of in three to six sessions if the therapist is good. I really don't think this problem will be hard to solve.

[Tony T]

Of course everyone agrees with tony's advise

but fails to note that lauryn gave the exact same advise. maybe even better. tony you are the king i guess.

Wow, are youy way off. Everyone does NOT agree with my advise...but, again, I always stress that advice is just that and is something to be used or rejected, not to be agreed on.

 

Second, Laurym gave the same advice but we were typing simultaneously. She gives very good advice. I never read other's posts before I type mine in order that the person seeking advice can get a variety.

 

I am far from the king...I promise you that. I wouldn't be playing the lottery every week if I were the king.

 

Thanks for the comments and the kind words.

[kappadisney]

As long as you two can talk about it and the communication is good - the problem really can be taken care of - it's a real problem if - as others mentioned - this is a manifestation of something bigger - cheating, relationship problems, drug abuse, etc. But I don't feel that that is what it really is - good luck - enjoy the results of your labor : ) and keep us posted!

[Lisa]

Guys-

 

Thanks for all the advice. I know his problem is not attributed to drugs, medication, or any medical problem. I just hope it will go away in due time, or else I will have to give him up. But for now, I am sticking with him, and going to try to get him to relax, and pray he can perform. If all else fails, I will convince him to see a doctor.

 

Thanks I will keep you all posted.

As long as you two can talk about it and the communication is good - the problem really can be taken care of - it's a real problem if - as others mentioned - this is a manifestation of something bigger - cheating, relationship problems, drug abuse, etc. But I don't feel that that is what it really is - good luck - enjoy the results of your labor : ) and keep us posted!