(Long Read) High-School Sweetheart & Retroactive Jealousy

[Nice_Guy1]

I will try and make this short and concise, but I don't want to leave out any details. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 months, we both just began our junior year at our respective universities. We went to high-school together and have known each other for around 6 years. There has always been a connection between the two of us, however in high school I wasn't sincere to girls and thus she never felt any of my advances were genuine. So we never were more than friends. We went to prom senior year of high school and continued talking through the freshman year of college and eventually began to "hook up" over winter break of our sophomore year. Things were great after winter break and she was officially my girlfriend throughout spring semester 2013.

 

However, one quote that always stuck with me was said by a former classmate during junior year of high school regarding my girlfriend (when I liked her even though I wasn't very sincere in showing it) he basically told me she used to give him oral sex when they would hang out and hook up. Not wanting to seem sad I played it off cool and never acted like it hurt me. Another incident was our senior year of high-school when at a party I was trying to kiss her she sat me down and explained to me how she had sex with two different guys earlier in the year and wanted me to know before we got into anything together. Seeing as we were both intoxicated I was rude and upset her, causing for me having no shot romantically senior year. Later that year we eventually became friends and ended up going to prom as I said before.

 

(One more short story before I get to the point I'm sorry) During 2nd semester 2013 while we were dating I said that I couldn't believe we dated 5 months and that I had never had a relationship this long - hence me being insincere before - and she replied that 5 months isn't that big of a deal. I was surprised because she NEVER openly dated anyone in high-school, so I had no clue who she would have been with. So one night I told her how upset I have been about not knowing her past and she told me everything, it was not as bad as I thought, but worse than what I wanted. Sex with 3 guys totaling six times, (three times junior year with one guy, twice senior year with an older guy in college, and a drunk one night stand with his friend after they stopped talking) none of which she technically dated. She said each time she didn't enjoy it and made each of them stop midway through. (Is it possible to not enjoy sex six times?)

 

The thing that bothers me the most is who these guys were. They were somewhat ghetto black guys. (I am black so don't make it seem a matter of race over character.) She never told her mom when she hung out with them which makes me feel that she knew she shouldn't be talking to them.

 

 

So many questions. Why did she do it? Did she like them hat much? If the first one hurt her then why the second, why the third? How did she feel after? Why would she go back to their house if she felt bad about it? And countless others. I am hurting BAD over all of this and just want to know HOW DO I STOP CARING ABOUT THE PAST? Thank you

[Philosoraptor]

Stop digging as it's only hurting you. You can either leave the past in the past and date her for who she is now, or not date her. Either way it's not a concern as we all grow and change over the years. Base your desire of her on who she is now, not what she's done in the past.

 

She made decisions based on how she was feeling then. Maybe she was needy or clingy. Maybe she was doing it due to her own self esteem, or was coaxed into it with taunts and the like. Either way, it's the past.

[sabre80]

Sorry to make light of your situation. . . but in today's age that is actually quite mild as far as sexual past goes. Heck just do some digging around these forums. Wait till you are my age (32). I thought I had a wild past during my overseas army days but a lot of the women I met post divorce made me look like a naive little boy.

 

Do you trust her? From what you wrote she appears quite honest and open with you. In my book that outweighs pretty much any past she might have had. You could meet an innocent virgin but if she is not honest and open its a bad time.

[Chi townD]

Okay, she hooked up with thugs and look where it got them? An unsatisfying sexual experience for everyone. And the fact that she's not with these thugs should also tell you something.

 

Now, she with you and she's showing you respect and honesty. She knows she has a good thing and doesn't want to screw it up. Dude, her past is her past. Leave it in the rear view mirror.

[giblesp]

There's quite a few threads on the subject of retroactive jealousy.

This link is worth checking Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy | By Frank Morrison, author of "Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace."Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy | By Frank Morrison, author of "Overcoming Retroactive Jea