Twisted Mess

[wwcrash]

Let me start by saying, I am new here. I am a good person who has made some terrible terrible choices!

 

I am in my second marriage, and we both have kids from previous marriages. We began having issues (step-parenting, loss of jobs, financial, etc.) and I became unhappy. I went on to Ashley Madison in search of an FWB, and only one (I did not want multiple FWB at a time). I met and had sex with a string of men, all of whom were married, and for various reasons, they didn't last.

 

Then I met "the one". He and I became fast friends, and in fact, best friends. He is not married, but was on AM b/c he did not want a girlfriend... just an FWB. (I know, not cool on his part) I fell in love with him, then he fell in love with me. We both came off of AM.

 

In late May, my husband caught me when I was texting OM late one night. The whole mess came to light within a couple of days... including the previous other men, and my feelings for this OM. The night my husband found out began NC with OM. Husband and I began counseling and we entered the phase of "trying". In hindsight, I realize I was only in shock at the hurt I'd caused, and wasn't truly remorseful and I did not know what I wanted! Fast forward.... my husband got tired of my feeble attempts, and left me at the end of July. I began IC two - four times a week, and seriously trying to figure out the "WHY" of it all. (This is a whole nother topic!) The whole while, I missed the OM. Well, I contacted him last weekend by text, and long story short, he was going to check in on me around Christmas anyway, but since I'm separated, we have begun talking again.

 

I'm totally in love with him, and he with me. We want to be together. My husband to remain friends with me, but I have NOT told him I'm talking to OM again. He does know I still have feelings for OM and hubby said that he will kill OM if we ever get back together.

 

I KNOW the wrongs I've done. But I need perspective from y'all... I feel like I am in the well and only have a very narrow perspective. Thank you.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you should focus on yourself and counseling, and not worry about men or a relationship right now.

 

Are your kids still at home? If so, then you need to be there for them. They've been through a divorce, became part of a new family, their mom "met and had sex with a string of men, all of whom were married" (your words), and now their stepfather has left, as well. This instability can't be good for them. Be their rock right now. They need you.

 

I don't think you love OM. I think you need attention, and he met those needs for you. You thrive on attention & outside validation. When your marrige got tough, your default reaction was to seek out ways to get those needs met. After your husband left, you "began IC two - four times a week, and seriously trying to figure out the "WHY" of it all. " And now, a week later, after texting OM with no contact for months you say "I'm totally in love with him, and he with me. We want to be together." You are rushing into something you aren't ready for yet.

 

I think you need to learn to love yourself, protect yourself, honor yourself & self soothe...because people that know how to do this do not seek outside validation and attention. Counseling can help you learn to fill these needs from within. This way, in your next relationship, when you have issues (all relationships have them), you will be prepared. You will know your weaknesses & guard yourself against seeking attention and validation when things get tough.

 

Other people can't make you happy- that comes from within. And until you figure that out, you will continue to repeat the same patterns. Your life sounds like an endless quest for happiness... but it's a pointless quest because you are looking in the wrong places. It comes from within you. Happiness is really a content state of mind, with moments of pure joy and even times of pain & hardship mixed in. You can't get that content state of mind from a husband, a boyfriend, your kids, or OM. It's all about you, and you alone. Your default feelings can evolve & mature, and counseling should give you the tools to start working on that.

[wwcrash]

Thank you! My kids are teens (in high school) and I have not shared with anyone that I am in contact with OM again. So they don't know. AND when my kids are with me, I am not in contact with him. I AM totally focused on them and their needs. Any communication I have with him during those days is at night when I'm alone and they're in bed.

 

I do totally agree with you that my happiness has to come from within. I know I'm a mess (my dad abandoned us when I was 12; my first husband was mentally abusive, etc.), and I want to get stronger!

 

Thank you!