Levels of "Love" from each party involved...

[MissBee]

Since day one I have been telling forum members that they were loved during the affair. I say this because many OWs questioned if they were truly loved during the affair.

 

 

My take is that the love feelings were real and not faked. When a married AP says ILY to the single AP the words come from the heart. They are not lying or faking it. However, these words are said within the affair compartment. And sadly------------these folks also live in another compartment: "The marriage".

 

They create a bubble and put the affair in the bubble. Within the bubble everything is true. The ILYs are real, the future plans are real, the intentions to leave the marriage are real.

 

Then, they step out of the affair bubble and are confronted with another reality. And this other reality gets in the way of the ILYs.

 

 

Like another forum member once said:

 

It is like the ILY of a deadbeat dad that does not provide support to his kids but loves them in his heart. It is a feeling with nothing to back it up. However, the feeling is real.

 

Pretty much.

 

I too have always said that while someone can genuinely love me in their heart or based on how they feel...shoot, I could have a secret admirer pining away for me right now, if it doesn't amount to any kind of real-world actions which I see and feel in my life positively, then what does it matter?

[zevahc]

Zevahc, I don't know what type of person your xAP is, but I can tell you as a MW who doesn't have kids who got in an A with a MM that with or without kids, it's tough to leave what's familiar. I loved/love my xAP. There were no lies about that. But yes, I do have love for my husband. it is just the quieter, secure, stable feeling of love. Not the crazy intense dizzying love that I felt for my xAP. The whole situation is so sad, because I wanted so badly to be with my xAP (not just sexually, but share a life), but the other realities got in the way. But everything that I felt for him was completely real.

 

Depending on how much of a risk taker a person is, they may or may not choose to walk away. If my H and I did not have shared friends, close families, finances, the comfortable financially secure life, etc., I might have walked out without trying much. But since we have all of that, I want to give it my best shot so that if it has to end one day, I'll know that I tried.

 

Please don't mentally exhaust yourself wondering what she did or didn't feel for you. Just believe that she loved you, but that she had her own reasons for staying in her current situation. Only she knows why she's choosing to stay with her H.

 

Thank you psm04...your perspective means a lot....and it helps to hear.

[happy stillmore]

I think I understand what Zevhac is saying. And I understand what Pierre is saying as well. Yes, there is the affair fog, where you are living in a dream world. You are planning your future and not really seeing the reality of the situation. Yes, there are those who are insecure and seek validation from others. I, myself, will admit the reason for my affair was that I was not in a marriage where my emotional needs were being met. (I also wasnt fulfilling my own needs.) We are pretty much two single period living together for the sake of our children. I can not understand why my xMM is choosing to stay with his wife. I know he is afraid to be alone. He is staying with her because he knows she is not strong enough to be on her own. It is for this reason, he knows she won't ever leave him and have him live alone.

 

I agree with Zevhac. Why do people settle for a life that can be so much better? If they are not truly happy, why not change things so you can live the life you want? Be true to yourself and others. That is the question that runs through my mind. Does he really love her? I know he really wasnt a player. If he is miserable or even just mediocre, why not change things to live a fantastic life? Life is short. If xMM is honest to everyone, including his family. Perhaps, they would respect him more if he stood up himself. Everyone has to start being honest. Stop lying to yourself if you stay in as marriage that you are not happy in. Even in the affair fog, all details must be discussed to understand the pros/cons of the affair in order to prepare for the stresses of the future. You are only given one life.

Edited September 19, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Desirable]

I think I understand what Zevhac is saying. And I understand what Pierre is saying as well. Yes, there is the affair fog, where you are living in a dream world. You are planning your future and not really seeing the reality of the situation. Yes, there are those who are insecure and seek validation from others. I, myself, will admit the reason for my affair was that I was not in a marriage where my emotional needs were not being met. (I also wasnt fulfilling my own needs.) We are pretty much two single period living together for the sake of our children. I can not understand why my xMM is choosing to stay with his wife. I know he is afraid to be alone. He is staying with her because he knows she is not strong enough to be on her own. It is for this reason, he knows she won't ever leave him and have him live alone.

 

I agree with Zevhac. Why do people settle for a life that can be so much better? If they are not truly happy, why not change things so you can live the life you want? Be true to yourself and others. That is the question that runs through my mind. Does he really love her? I know he really wasnt a player. If he is miserable or even just mediocre, why not change things to live a fantastic life? Life is short. If xMM is honest to everyone, including his family. Perhaps, they would respect him more if he stood up himself. Everyone has to start being honest. Stop lying to yourself if you stay in as marriage that you are not happy in. Even in the affair fog, all details must be discussed to understand the pros/cons of the affair in order to prepare for the stresses of the future. You are only given one life.

 

THIS! Right here is what I wonder too. It's like you know you aren't happy in your relationship, otherwise you wouldn't be here with someone else and falling for someone else. Of someone else makes you happy, why do people continue to go on about their miserable lives? Finances? Material things? Fear? Comfort zone? With the exception of children, I feel like all those things aren't important on the grande scheme of things. Yea relationships, marriages, and engagements aren't easy to break off, but the hardship that follows is temporary. You will recover from all of that and be able to live the life you truly want and be truly happy. I think having a true happiness in the long wrong would be worth a little fight and struggle that you have to go through to achieve it. Ah but maybe I am oversimplifying it! LOL.

[happy stillmore]

That is probably the greatest hurt in all of this. The fact that the xAP ended up showing they did not have the courage or desire to take the leap of faith. My xMM really depended on his wife financially. He never did give me a reason when I suggested he work two jobs to be free of his situation. Apparently, he liked to be catered to. His wife made few demands on him because she desperately wanted him to stay.

 

My xMM's last words were: "I'm sorry. I cry when I think how I hurt you. I am not going to hurt anyone anymore. I wanted our dreams to come true. I couldn't do it."

 

How is that supposed to make me feel better? Okay, you are sad you hurt me. But it doesn't seem he is hurting because he is losing me. He was referring to not hurting his family anymore. Well, that doesn't help my pain. I still have do many questions about the reasons why he couldn't make the dreams come true. Was it lack of courage, lack of money or lack of love for me? My last words to him was to be true to himself. Do what he wants! I know the reality is he is easily guilted by his wife and daughters. He isn't going anywhere.

[Desirable]

That is probably the greatest hurt in all of this. The fact that the xAP ended up showing they did not have the courage or desire to take the leap of faith. My xMM really depended on his wife financially. He never did give me a reason when I suggested he work two jobs to be free of his situation. Apparently, he liked to be catered to. His wife made few demands on him because she desperately wanted him to stay.

 

My xMM's last words were: "I'm sorry. I cry when I think how I hurt you. I am not going to hurt anyone anymore. I wanted our dreams to come true. I couldn't do it."

 

How is that supposed to make me feel better? Okay, you are sad you hurt me. But it doesn't seem he is hurting because he is losing me. He was referring to not hurting his family anymore. Well, that doesn't help my pain. I still have do many questions about the reasons why he couldn't make the dreams come true. Was it lack of courage, lack of money or lack of love for me? My last words to him was to be true to himself. Do what he wants! I know the reality is he is easily guilted by his wife and daughters. He isn't going anywhere.

 

When we ended things last week, my exMM told me he still had so much going on his head, but that he didn't want to drag me along in it anymore and wanted me to find the guy and love that I deserved. I left my exMM (well he is engaged, not married yet and won't be for a long time) with one last piece of advice which was something similar to what you said: to for once to stop thinking about what everyone else around him wants and to stop worrying about trivial things or if people are going to judge him and to ask him self what HE wants more often.

 

I do not know if that struck anything within him and I didn't tell him that just to try and benefit me. I truly want him to think about what HE wants more because I genuinely loved and cared for him and he is always concerned with everything else but that. Unfortunately, my friend who still works with him and who knew the whole story about us and saw how we were together told me that ever since we broke it off, he has been just miserable and sad at work. Even other workers ask what is wrong with him and my friend just feels sad for him. But that is the path he chose to take, for some reason he said he NEEDED to make it work. Which begs another question...Should you NEED to make relationship to work, or should you WANT to make a relationship work? hmm.

 

I think our main job in this lifetime as an individual is to make sure that no matter what, we obtain the GENUINE happiness we deserve...and that kind of happiness can never be gained on a whim, I don't care what ties a relationship together. That happiness is either there or it isn't. TRUE love is either there or it isn't. I firmly believe that. However, we cannot bare their burden...if they choose to stay in a marriage in which they feel like they are trapped, then that is their problem and not ours. We have done what we can as people who love them to try and help them. Now we must let them go and figure things out themselves. All you can do is just look forward to the future and pray for them that they find their path to genuine happiness, whatever that path may be.

 

Edit: I know it doesn't make things better per se...even if we know they aren't happy and such it still doesn't give us the man we love. But you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Just know that he did feel love for you and be thankful that he loved you enough to not string you along anymore and use you selfishly. Don't question it too much, just let him go and hope the best for him and let him figure things out on his own. I know that is so hard, but just smile at the fact that you are free and not trapped in a marriage that doesn't bring you genuine happiness and that you still have your shot out there.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Desirable

[Sooverhim]

I think you know in your heart Zehahc what "level" of love your XMM felt for you and what you felt for her. Everyone situation is their own and everyone's "level" of love is specific to them and their spouse or XAP.

 

In my own situation, I very much loved my XMM, I no longer loved my H, I wanted to be with XMM and would have moved heaven and earth for us to be together, I felt we were perfect for each other and would live happily ever after. My XMM was full of "words" just as you described, they actually meant nothing at all. There were no actions, other than the actions of him continuing to live his wonderful life with his perfect W.

 

I ended my A around a year and a half ago, so with hindsight my view of things is different to how it was during the A, and my feelings are different too. I no longer have any level of love for my XMM, and I now love my H more than ever.

 

With hindsight, I feel that my XMM's "level of love" for me was not what he claimed it was. I feel his love for his W is/was the real love in his life. He never claimed to not love her, in fact he was very honest about the fact that he did love her, he just wasn't "in love" with her. I feel his love for me was what Pierre described as "affair bubble love". My view of that now is that that kind or level of love is not as important/real/significant as the love for a spouse.

 

I have followed your posts Zehahc, and it's clear that your love for your XMW was and still is at the top end of the scale. I wonder whether with your XMW that she was/is like my XMM in that she maybe didn't love you as much as she said she did or thought she did, and that she actually loves her H more than she said she does or thinks she does.

 

It is a painful process getting over an A, but I think when we start to understand the reality of the whole thing, it does start to get easier and we do start to heal. That's my experience of it anyway.

[Got it]

I was talking to a friend...about the words love. We both agreed the love isn't a word should that just get thrown around. When two people truly love each other (romantically), it is more than just a crush or really liking someone. I equate it to the way I feel about my child. I would jump in front of a car, give my organs..literally die for her. This is honestly how I felt for xMW. I would give anything and everything. Move mountains, jump in front of a car, whatever necessasry.

 

On the flip side, I find myself questioning whether xMW ever felt the same way, and I have to say absolutely not. I'm not saying it was wrong or right...I can't force feeling onto someone. If she loved me on the same "level", actions would have shown differently, right? But...if two people feel this way, do all the excuses in the world matter? I know there are kids, circumstances etc...that prevent people from leaving comfort, stability, etc...

 

Question is...whether you stayed or left you spouse, OM/OW, I want to hear all perspectives....because I think love really isn't enough...even though people do claim they will do ANYTHING for the person they love this much. Because love without action are just words...right?

 

I think there are different types of love. So yes I do think one can love someone but still not leave. That doesn't mean that no they didn't love the other person at all, but the love of others, other things, fears, etc. negate the ability to walk.

 

But love without actions, in general, doesn't do it for me. For me, the love I wanted, expected, and deserve does/did require effort and actions every day. But I also do not expect someone to do for me more than I do for them.

 

But I also have self love, so self love will not allow me to do things that will continue to hurt myself for the love of another. There are definitely different situations where, protecting those you love, may cause hurt, but I will not sacrifice myself for someone else. It must be a two way street and a balance over a reasonable amount of time.

 

I love/loved my AP and have continued to show it. We have both continued to nurture and feed the love. So it grows. When one or both parties stop feeding it, it dies.

[Cali408]

In my arrogant past, I told my AP that although I love you more than anything, it is less than the sum of my love for my wife and kids.

[zevahc]

I think you know in your heart Zehahc what "level" of love your XMM felt for you and what you felt for her. Everyone situation is their own and everyone's "level" of love is specific to them and their spouse or XAP.

 

In my own situation, I very much loved my XMM, I no longer loved my H, I wanted to be with XMM and would have moved heaven and earth for us to be together, I felt we were perfect for each other and would live happily ever after. My XMM was full of "words" just as you described, they actually meant nothing at all. There were no actions, other than the actions of him continuing to live his wonderful life with his perfect W.

 

I ended my A around a year and a half ago, so with hindsight my view of things is different to how it was during the A, and my feelings are different too. I no longer have any level of love for my XMM, and I now love my H more than ever.

 

With hindsight, I feel that my XMM's "level of love" for me was not what he claimed it was. I feel his love for his W is/was the real love in his life. He never claimed to not love her, in fact he was very honest about the fact that he did love her, he just wasn't "in love" with her. I feel his love for me was what Pierre described as "affair bubble love". My view of that now is that that kind or level of love is not as important/real/significant as the love for a spouse.

 

I have followed your posts Zehahc, and it's clear that your love for your XMW was and still is at the top end of the scale. I wonder whether with your XMW that she was/is like my XMM in that she maybe didn't love you as much as she said she did or thought she did, and that she actually loves her H more than she said she does or thinks she does.

 

It is a painful process getting over an A, but I think when we start to understand the reality of the whole thing, it does start to get easier and we do start to heal. That's my experience of it anyway.

 

I suspect she does love her H more than she let on..she never claimed to not love him...ever. She did claim she felt more for me...more natural. But I think the love is just different..b/c he loves her "in his own way", she has come to know that..even though it's not what she thought it should look like.

 

In all honesty I don't fault anyone...i made choices..so did she..and people get hurt. But I don't think that was ever the intent. The reality is that it's the continued pain that grows resentment, anger etc..and I want to keep things in perspective that the hurts were not and are not intentional.

[psm04]

 

In all honesty I don't fault anyone...i made choices..so did she..and people get hurt. But I don't think that was ever the intent. The reality is that it's the continued pain that grows resentment, anger etc..and I want to keep things in perspective that the hurts were not and are not intentional.

 

I am struggling with the continued pain that causes resentment and anger towards my xAP too. It is made even worse by the fact that I know he wants to continue the affair without changing anything at home. But I don't think that in his mind, he sees it as using me or cake eating or whatever. In his own way, he cares about me. I think he's just lost. More lost than I am.

 

I need to think like you and keep things in perspective and know that he didn't intentionally mean anything hurtful. We never gave each other false promises, so that's good.

[zevahc]

I am struggling with the continued pain that causes resentment and anger towards my xAP too. It is made even worse by the fact that I know he wants to continue the affair without changing anything at home. But I don't think that in his mind, he sees it as using me or cake eating or whatever. In his own way, he cares about me. I think he's just lost. More lost than I am.

 

I need to think like you and keep things in perspective and know that he didn't intentionally mean anything hurtful. We never gave each other false promises, so that's good.

 

Yes, I'm fairly certin my xAP would have continued if I hadn't grown weary of just being the person on the side...and I've never defined cake eating to her...I think she feels the same way..she loves me but won't do anything..and doesn't realize it's as much hurt as it is...she lives in the moment.

[Quiet Storm]

THIS! Right here is what I wonder too. It's like you know you aren't happy in your relationship, otherwise you wouldn't be here with someone else and falling for someone else. Of someone else makes you happy, why do people continue to go on about their miserable lives? Finances? Material things? Fear? Comfort zone? With the exception of children, I feel like all those things aren't important on the grande scheme of things. Yea relationships, marriages, and engagements aren't easy to break off, but the hardship that follows is temporary. You will recover from all of that and be able to live the life you truly want and be truly happy. I think having a true happiness in the long wrong would be worth a little fight and struggle that you have to go through to achieve it. Ah but maybe I am oversimplifying it! LOL.

 

 

It's because their lives are not really that miserable.

 

Marriages are very involved. Romance & sex are just one aspect of a marriage. Commitment is another aspect of a marriage . In older couples, romance & sex often fade but they still enjoy the partnership & companionship. They enjoy the family that they have nurtured & raised together. They are committed to caring for each other as they age, through sickness & health.

 

Many people also understand that romance often evolves into a comfortable kind of love after many years together. So this makes them reluctant to make a change...they assume that the affair will follow the same path as most relationships. They don't want to start all over again & end up with the same result.

 

Let's say it is a couple in their late 50s. The wife loves her husband but her sex drive is gone. She has no desire for sex anymore. She still wants to be married to her husband. She loves him as a person, loves their family and plans to be with him until she dies. Her husband loves her, but gave up on sex with her because he was tired of being rejected. He loves his wife as a person, loves their family and plans to be with her until she dies. From his perspective, an affair is a perfect solution- he can get his needs for sex & romance met, he won't have to feel like he is bothering is wife for sex, he won't feel neglected or rejected, the wife won't have to do something she's no longer interested in, and their will be less conflict because the husband's needs are met.

 

In most cases, especially with men, an affair is not a stepping stone on the way out of a marriage. It is a solution that keeps them content in the marriage. It meets their needs for sex, excitement, romance and still allows them to honor their commitment to be with their spouse forever. Their children, grandchildren can still have an intact family, they will still be buried side by side with their spouse, they won't have to experience the failure of divorce (which is seen as a failure by many).

 

In cases like these, it is romantic & sexual love vs. commitment & history. Considering the romantic & sexual love is often fleeting & inconsistent, it doesn't surprise me that commitment wins out most of the time.

[Sooverhim]

It's because their lives are not really that miserable.

 

Marriages are very involved. Romance & sex are just one aspect of a marriage. Commitment is another aspect of a marriage . In older couples, romance & sex often fade but they still enjoy the partnership & companionship. They enjoy the family that they have nurtured & raised together. They are committed to caring for each other as they age, through sickness & health.

 

Many people also understand that romance often evolves into a comfortable kind of love after many years together. So this makes them reluctant to make a change...they assume that the affair will follow the same path as most relationships. They don't want to start all over again & end up with the same result.

 

Let's say it is a couple in their late 50s. The wife loves her husband but her sex drive is gone. She has no desire for sex anymore. She still wants to be married to her husband. She loves him as a person, loves their family and plans to be with him until she dies. Her husband loves her, but gave up on sex with her because he was tired of being rejected. He loves his wife as a person, loves their family and plans to be with her until she dies. From his perspective, an affair is a perfect solution- he can get his needs for sex & romance met, he won't have to feel like he is bothering is wife for sex, he won't feel neglected or rejected, the wife won't have to do something she's no longer interested in, and their will be less conflict because the husband's needs are met.

 

In most cases, especially with men, an affair is not a stepping stone on the way out of a marriage. It is a solution that keeps them content in the marriage. It meets their needs for sex, excitement, romance and still allows them to honor their commitment to be with their spouse forever. Their children, grandchildren can still have an intact family, they will still be buried side by side with their spouse, they won't have to experience the failure of divorce (which is seen as a failure by many).

 

In cases like these, it is romantic & sexual love vs. commitment & history. Considering the romantic & sexual love is often fleeting & inconsistent, it doesn't surprise me that commitment wins out most of the time.

 

QuietStorm, thank you for this explanation, it is a perfect explanation, it describes my XMM and his relationships with both me and his wife to a T, as well as explaining the vast majority of A situations, this is how it is almost all of the time:)

[Desirable]

It's because their lives are not really that miserable.

 

Marriages are very involved. Romance & sex are just one aspect of a marriage. Commitment is another aspect of a marriage . In older couples, romance & sex often fade but they still enjoy the partnership & companionship. They enjoy the family that they have nurtured & raised together. They are committed to caring for each other as they age, through sickness & health.

 

Many people also understand that romance often evolves into a comfortable kind of love after many years together. So this makes them reluctant to make a change...they assume that the affair will follow the same path as most relationships. They don't want to start all over again & end up with the same result.

 

Let's say it is a couple in their late 50s. The wife loves her husband but her sex drive is gone. She has no desire for sex anymore. She still wants to be married to her husband. She loves him as a person, loves their family and plans to be with him until she dies. Her husband loves her, but gave up on sex with her because he was tired of being rejected. He loves his wife as a person, loves their family and plans to be with her until she dies. From his perspective, an affair is a perfect solution- he can get his needs for sex & romance met, he won't have to feel like he is bothering is wife for sex, he won't feel neglected or rejected, the wife won't have to do something she's no longer interested in, and their will be less conflict because the husband's needs are met.

 

In most cases, especially with men, an affair is not a stepping stone on the way out of a marriage. It is a solution that keeps them content in the marriage. It meets their needs for sex, excitement, romance and still allows them to honor their commitment to be with their spouse forever. Their children, grandchildren can still have an intact family, they will still be buried side by side with their spouse, they won't have to experience the failure of divorce (which is seen as a failure by many).

 

In cases like these, it is romantic & sexual love vs. commitment & history. Considering the romantic & sexual love is often fleeting & inconsistent, it doesn't surprise me that commitment wins out most of the time.

 

Well so much for those marriage vows! What ever happened to the promise of being faithful? Haha. I don't think they say those marriage vows and have it be understood that "hey, if we ever have any loss in romance or sex I'm gonna go find that somewhere else...but hey don't worry, I'm still gonna come back to you :)" can you imagine if that was added to vows or something?! Haha.

[KentuckyGent]

 

What a dear, sweet and selfless guy.

[Desirable]

What a dear, sweet and selfless guy.

 

He is a good person at heart, I know he is...We only saw each other for three months and I am so thankful that he didn't drag me on longer because he could have if he wanted to. I told him if anything were to happen to where he felt like he had to stay, to tell me immediately. I am glad that he kept his promise to me, even though it was hard...for us both.

[zevahc]

He is a good person at heart, I know he is...We only saw each other for three months and I am so thankful that he didn't drag me on longer because he could have if he wanted to. I told him if anything were to happen to where he felt like he had to stay, to tell me immediately. I am glad that he kept his promise to me, even though it was hard...for us both.

 

He sounds like he did in fact try to do the right thing. These situations are hard. Even though my xAP hurt me and drug me through it I really don't think she ever wanted that...what should have happened before anything is her seeing individual help. But people don't always choose what they need when faces with a struggle. Often comfort comes in a form of some negative substance or situation that only provides temporary relief and masks the real issues.

 

My point is...I'm not gonna be part of a hater club. Some people are bad. Some aren't. But I can only try and recover and work on me and be the best I can for whoever. My heart hurts and I wish there were a quick fix but there isn't.

 

I'm glad you are doing well desirable and I appreciate your outlook.

[Desirable]

He sounds like he did in fact try to do the right thing. These situations are hard. Even though my xAP hurt me and drug me through it I really don't think she ever wanted that...what should have happened before anything is her seeing individual help. But people don't always choose what they need when faces with a struggle. Often comfort comes in a form of some negative substance or situation that only provides temporary relief and masks the real issues.

 

My point is...I'm not gonna be part of a hater club. Some people are bad. Some aren't. But I can only try and recover and work on me and be the best I can for whoever. My heart hurts and I wish there were a quick fix but there isn't.

 

I'm glad you are doing well desirable and I appreciate your outlook.

 

No matter what anyone says or thinks, only the two people involved know the situations best and whether or not love was shared between each other. I stand by the fact that he loved me enough to let me go and not string me into his drama and for that, I am very fortunate. Despite what he has done and the wrong done by us both, I know deep down that we are both genuinely good people who did fall in love with one another, but unfortunately met under less than ideal conditions. Who knows why these things happen this way. In the end, someone was going to get hurt...and quite frankly, I think all three of us are given a share of suffering each.

 

I do not know your story in detail, but I feel like she didn't do what she did intentionally. Contrary to popular belief, many people don't do the things they do intentionally I feel. But that is good that you are not choosing to hate...hate is just punishment on yourself. It is always best to be positive and wish people (even those who hurt us) well. You are doing your job well...just being the absolute best person you can be each day no matter what. That makes me happy to hear I know it hurts now, but you are strong and you will pull through. Just smile and know the future is bright for you.

 

I appreciate your outlooks as well! I wish you all the best on your road to recovery...you can only go up from here.

[Quiet Storm]

Well so much for those marriage vows! What ever happened to the promise of being faithful? Haha. I don't think they say those marriage vows and have it be understood that "hey, if we ever have any loss in romance or sex I'm gonna go find that somewhere else...but hey don't worry, I'm still gonna come back to you :)" can you imagine if that was added to vows or something?! Haha.

 

It's justification & rationalization at it's finest.

 

They justify breaking the faithful vow, in order to keep the "more important" commitment vow (staying married).

 

They rationalize it by telling themselves things like "My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore anyways, so this will give her a break" or "I've worked my whole life, raised kids, been a good husband, I deserve it" or "what she doesn't know won't hurt her".

 

It's sad, but very common. When people do things that hurt the ones they love, when they do things that are against their values...it creates feelings of shame & guilt (unless you are personality disordered). In order to avoid this shame & guilt, people lie to themselves. They justify & rationalize, because these (unhealthy) coping methods allow them to keep doing something that they know is wrong.

 

As children, we often learn to rationalize & justify the actions of the adults that love us- especially if their actions are not always loving. For those of us that grew up with alcoholic or abusive parents, it almost becomes a default way of coping. (Mommy drinks because she's stressed, but she still loves me. Daddy hit Mommy because we were being too loud, but he still loves Mommy). Kids learn these tools because it helps them cope in situations that are totally out their control. It's how they get through a rough childhood without totally breaking down. When these same kids grow up, that default method of coping doesn't disappear. So instead of coping with the problems the right way, they lie, justify, rationalize. They never learned healthy ways to cope.

 

Take the situations of a guy in a sexless marriage, or a woman with a busy & neglecful husband- instead of actively trying to solve the problem in a healthy & honest way, they lie & find sneaky ways to get what they want. It's their default (and damaged) way of coping.

 

The coping methods that are beneficial during tough childhoods morph into liabilities when people become adults. As adults, we have control over our choices & the paths our lives take. We don't need to cope like that anymore, but because it is so deeply ingrained, it is very hard to change.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Quiet Storm