I'm so confused...

[VivianLee]

My husband found out I went back on the NC promise with someone I'd had an affair with.....the contact was not emotional, I was just addicted to talking to this person....(my story is in the Other man/Other woman section)...

 

My husband told me to leave and we are separated....

 

I want things to work out...I don't want to get a divorce....I want to be family....

 

However, he doesn't know if it will work out, he doesn't want me to live here and doesn't want to see me....

 

How can I work it out with him if he just closes himself off from me??

 

How much time do I sit with bated breath waiting for his decision?

 

He's very hurt, what should I do without crowding him but still letting him know I care?

 

How much pride should I swallow? Should I beg?

 

I want to handle this in the best way for he and my daughter but how do I get back home, yet still get what I need out of the marriage.....

 

How do I make it better??

[alphamale]

Well I can't really add anything constructive here except that it is nice to see a Man taking a stand and being strong and holding his own.

 

That being said i hope things work out for you both.

[Ladyjane14]

Are you absolutely sure, Viv, that you want him back? You two have so many unresolved issues, and he doesn't seem to be very involved in doing the relationship work that needs to be done.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you. The only suggestion that I have is to make yourself as attractive as possible. Much like the MarriageBuilders Plan A, or the StopYourDivorce plan of being agreeable.

 

He's angry now, but chances are that he'll miss you when the anger wanes. So, it's important to be patient and let him work through his emotions. He's hurt, and understandably so. Reassuring him that you want to make the marriage work will go a long way to keeping the door open while he deals with his pain.

 

I hesitate to tell you that it's okay to be a doormat. At some point, your issues will need to be addressed should the two of you reconcile. I think if it were me, I'd want to leave some room in the negotiations for that.

 

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Are you absolutely sure, Viv, that you want him back? You two have so many unresolved issues, and he doesn't seem to be very involved in doing the relationship work that needs to be done.

 

I wish I had a magic wand to wave for you. The only suggestion that I have is to make yourself as attractive as possible. Much like the MarriageBuilders Plan A, or the StopYourDivorce plan of being agreeable.

 

He's angry now, but chances are that he'll miss you when the anger wanes. So, it's important to be patient and let him work through his emotions. He's hurt, and understandably so. Reassuring him that you want to make the marriage work will go a long way to keeping the door open while he deals with his pain.

 

I hesitate to tell you that it's okay to be a doormat. At some point, your issues will need to be addressed should the two of you reconcile. I think if it were me, I'd want to leave some room in the negotiations for that.

 

 

I want him back if we can get things resolved. I won't come back just to keep from being alone or to just avoid divorce or even for my daughter. I want a us to both work hard at the marriage and to work on giving each other what we need...if we can't have that....then no, as much as it hurts to think of my life without him, I don't want to go back...I want a new marriage to go to not the old one...

 

Thank you for the advice!

[Mr Spock]

I think you're lying to yourself. I think you're so afraid of the unknown that you'd fight tooth and nail for something that's long since been not worth the effort. I think you're smarter than this, and it's making me angry.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I think you're lying to yourself. I think you're so afraid of the unknown that you'd fight tooth and nail for something that's long since been not worth the effort. I think you're smarter than this, and it's making me angry.

 

You may be right.....I hope you aren't...(hence the title...I'm confused )

[Mr Spock]

You're confused because you haven't taken a firm stance on this. Either way. You'll continue to flounder through your life until you start making the best decisions for YOU, not your daughter, not your husband. When you start doing that, it eventually will be the best decisions for them as well. Hindsight is 20/20 Viv but you should have done this a loooong time ago.

[VivianLee]

for some reason, I am too!!

 

I guess it's better that he's angry and not in a fetal position on the bed like he was last week...however, I get pretty angry too when he calls to tell me he's coming home so I can leave....

 

I'm trying to balance my feelings and his feelings....I guess this is just the process but dammit, I feel a bit put out that I have to make sure I'm clear out of his way from my own home. Granted, I see that living here would suck big time right now with the way he looks at me and his anger BUT there just seems to be something wrong with feeling you can't stay home....of course if I'd behaved, I wouldn't be in this position....

 

Tonight, I get to stay here because I helped my daughter have a party. I will need to leave by evening tomorrow so he can come home....it's so screwed up....

 

I'm adapting to the living arrangements pretty well, I mean truly, I'm doing well and I get to see my daughter ALOT which means alot...

 

I don't know where I stand in this marriage or with him, he's not discussing a thing with me but to tell the truth, I'm not sitting here with bated breath either. I've cried and tried so much for this man the past few years and I'm just not going to force the issue.

 

But then I feel guilty not trying to beg or pursue him or try and find some way to make it up to him....but how? How do you fix something when the person won't even be in the same room with you?? How much time would y'all think he needs to get to the point he talks to me??

[Matilda]

Viv, I can't remember, but have you ever been to counseling on your own? I think I remember you saying that your husband wouldn't go, but I can't remember if you've ever gone. Anyway, I think it would be a good idea, for you to go by yourself and start working on you. I think it would be great if you had someone you could talk to that could help you figure out why you're in the mess you're in, and how to deal with it better than you have in the past. I think if you had some support, someone to back you up on some of your decisions, that would help you a lot. It seems like you know the right things to do, but for some reason, you still do the wrong things. What's up with that? Just seems like that's something you need to explore with someone who knows how to do that.

 

I really think, that as far as your marriage goes, you should just step back from your husband. Work on getting yourself to a better place, and improving your parenting relationship with your daughter. Once that is done, or at least well on the way, then see where your husband is, and whether the two of you want to try to get back together. I just don't think that given your current emotional state, and his current emotional state, and past history between the two of you, that getting back together is going to work. Until you do a lot of work on yourself, I don't think getting back together with him makes sense. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Matilda

Viv, I can't remember, but have you ever been to counseling on your own? I think I remember you saying that your husband wouldn't go, but I can't remember if you've ever gone. Anyway, I think it would be a good idea, for you to go by yourself and start working on you. I think it would be great if you had someone you could talk to that could help you figure out why you're in the mess you're in, and how to deal with it better than you have in the past. I think if you had some support, someone to back you up on some of your decisions, that would help you a lot. It seems like you know the right things to do, but for some reason, you still do the wrong things. What's up with that? Just seems like that's something you need to explore with someone who knows how to do that.

 

I really think, that as far as your marriage goes, you should just step back from your husband. Work on getting yourself to a better place, and improving your parenting relationship with your daughter. Once that is done, or at least well on the way, then see where your husband is, and whether the two of you want to try to get back together. I just don't think that given your current emotional state, and his current emotional state, and past history between the two of you, that getting back together is going to work. Until you do a lot of work on yourself, I don't think getting back together with him makes sense. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you.

 

All three of us had counseling when my husband and I separated 3 years ago. It all was for a year. I got mine to deal with my marriage, my daughter to deal with the separation and my husband only got counseling for his co-dependence...

 

You are exaclty right!! I need to work on myself and my relationship with my daughter. I'm just so impatient, I want everything to start working out right now BUT you are right, I have numerous problems of my own that need straightening out before I try marriage again....

 

Thank you....

[Ladyjane14]

Give it all some time, hon. Once the charged-up emotions abate, you'll both be in a better position to see what you have left.

 

It's too hard to feel our more tender emotions, when the red-hot ones are in the foreground. It's not until the anger and resentment have run their course that either of you will be able to see how much love, affection, or devotion are left.

 

Maybe by then, you'll both have a clearer idea of what you want next out of life. In the meantime, I'd just try not to make any permanent decisions.

 

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

Give it all some time, hon. Once the charged-up emotions abate, you'll both be in a better position to see what you have left.

 

It's too hard to feel our more tender emotions, when the red-hot ones are in the foreground. It's not until the anger and resentment have run their course that either of you will be able to see how much love, affection, or devotion are left.

 

Maybe by then, you'll both have a clearer idea of what you want next out of life. In the meantime, I'd just try not to make any permanent decisions.

 

 

Thank you, LadyJane...I'll keep all this in mind.....

[MassiveAtom]

Two of my favorite people on LS LAdyJane and VivianLee.

 

Viv, It's really wierd to see you going through this. The whole confusion thing is quite familiar to me. LadyJane is spot on, Once the anger has cleared out, you'll be so very able to see the realities of the situation. I'm not angry at my wife anymore, because I understand that she made the decision to leave for HER, and not for anyone else. She's really strong in that way. Just one of the reasons I love her.

 

And it's absolutely right that things will be better for me eventually, as they will for you. It may be that the reality of the matter is that it's time to go now. Remember that healing, renewal and forgiveness rant I went on a little while ago.? Well, let the hurt, hurt. it'll eventually fade and you'll be able to see clearly. In the "mean-time" Get into some new stuff that you've always wanted. Be you FOR you.

citygirl said this exact thing.in another thread

 

Start taking a little bite out of it. Keep taking little bites. Eventually the snake will be dead and you can come back out. Sometimes I wish I could just check out for while and deal with all of this, but that's not real life. Loving your daughter will give you strength, loving the humanity of your husband will inevitably lead to simplification of all the unresolved issues. And you guys can work to be better parents. Who knows what from there.

 

Hang in there!

 

And remember,

 

anytime.

 

mA