trying to make things work...any suggestions?

[MnM]

Mark and I were together before we were actually together which might be part of the problem. We were pretty good friends, i confided in him for anything and everything and slowly it grew to more than friends. We decided to be together exclusively and things were really good for a while, he was my best friend, my love and i did and still do love him.

 

Things took a turn for the worse when he told me that he had cheated on me numerous times. We both cried for a long time, i was upset, distraught and totally heartbroken. I broke up with him then- told him that i couldnt be with him because i did not trust him at all...but no matter how upset i was or how pissed off i still cared for him.

 

And i still loved him.

 

Even if we werent together i wanted to be there for him, as a friend at the least. He told me this not long before he was planning to come see me. After talking about it for a while we decided that he would still make the trip down to see me, to at least be together and try and work things out face to face.

 

When he was with me things were amazing. Everything felt so right, and i trusted him to keep me safe. After he left i realized that us physically being together was a quick fix to all the problems that we had. Physically being together didnt really slove anything at all, the problems and trust issues were still there.

 

I decided that it would be best if we see other people, with the thought that it would test the love for Mark- see if being with someone else would ultimately give him the answers he needed and hopefully bring him back to me. We also decided to keep talking, and be honest with eachother if we went out on dates etc. I decided in my mind that i would wait to date anyone else, spend some time alone to make sure i was Ok with just me, before i got anyone else involved.

 

Mark on the other hand seemed to be making dates with different girls shortly after all this happened. Being true to our agreement of honestly, he told me about his plans with other girls and I would get upset and hurt. I know this isnt fair, I do not have a right to feel upset or hurt because he is doing exactly what i told him he should do.

 

I still love him and i always will, but i feel so betrayed and hurt by the things he says to me sometimes. I feel like I cant come to him with nearly as much as i used to before, things arent the same. I know its naive to expect things to be the same after all we've gone through but at times i really feel like he doesnt care about me or love me anymore.

 

We made love when we were together on that last night. Lately the idea of possibly being pregnant keeps popping up in my head, when i turned to him for comfort or to talk about it hes talking to some girl on the phone. It hurt. I'm not sure what to do anymore- we've tried not talking, and we always come back to each other.

 

I fear if we dont do something soon, and keep going on the path we are on, we're going to drive eachother insane. I'm tired of being hurt, i'm tired of hurting him by bringing up what hes done a million times...i want him to be happy in the end and if the only way that is possible is never talking to me again then so be it. We've run out of options so we're asking for suggestions.

[pancakepalace]

Hi MnM,

 

I read your post and it made me sad so I decided I must reply.

 

You have a really strong relationship with Mark that has a solid foundation on friendship. Every true love does.

 

But, now, he cheated on you and you are hurt and a big chunk of trust is gone. This hurts even more since you were really good friends so the dent this cheating caused is even worse. You are probably questioning if it was a real friendship and relationship afterwall. You might be rethinking the past saying 'he cheated on me so the relationship was not as good as I thought it was'. This must be true. He cheated for some reason. The really good thing though is that he came up front and told you the truth before you found out from someone else. This is crucial. It means he cares.

 

I don't think the way you have been trying to solve the problem is good. I don't see what you can get out of it. I think it is even unhealthy that he dates other people and tells you about it. This will only hurt you more and doesn't prove anything either way.

 

If you both care about each other you have to do the following in my opinion.

 

1. Stop all dating either side.

 

These other people are only making things worst and complicating the situation. Plus, it is not fair for them if you are both in love.

 

2. Take a small step back to cool both of your heads. NC for two weeks would be great.

 

3. See if after these two weeks you are both ready to try out a second chance at your relationship. If yes, move on to step 4.

 

4. This is where the real work begins. You have to talk to each other and find out exactly why he cheated. Which part of your relationship was he not happy with. Do not be on the defensive here - just hear him out. Believe what he says and try to find ways of fixing the problem. Maybye he was lonely, maybye he wasn't happy sexually, maybye this, maybye that. There is a reason.

 

---

- If he really loves you, he will be willing to do anything to make it work.

- Stop thinking about the sex he had with these other girls. It means nothing. He was not in love. He told you he was cheating because he cared. The reason he was out with them is because something was wrong in your relationship and he chose a bad and immature way of expressing it. Everyone can make a mistake.

- You'll have to try to trust him again. Hard. Do it step by step.

- no vengeance please.

- If it works out, it will make your relationship much stronger.

---

 

If he is not willing to stop dating and try to work things out your way, leave him.

[UnicornGirl]

Is there any way you can go to counseling together?

[Charlane]

Originally posted by MnM

Mark and I were together before we were actually together which might be part of the problem. We were pretty good friends, i confided in him for anything and everything and slowly it grew to more than friends. We decided to be together exclusively and things were really good for a while, he was my best friend, my love and i did and still do love him.

 

Things took a turn for the worse when he told me that he had cheated on me numerous times. We both cried for a long time, i was upset, distraught and totally heartbroken. I broke up with him then- told him that i couldnt be with him because i did not trust him at all...but no matter how upset i was or how pissed off i still cared for him.

 

And i still loved him.

 

Even if we werent together i wanted to be there for him, as a friend at the least. He told me this not long before he was planning to come see me. After talking about it for a while we decided that he would still make the trip down to see me, to at least be together and try and work things out face to face.

 

When he was with me things were amazing. Everything felt so right, and i trusted him to keep me safe. After he left i realized that us physically being together was a quick fix to all the problems that we had. Physically being together didnt really slove anything at all, the problems and trust issues were still there.

 

I decided that it would be best if we see other people, with the thought that it would test the love for Mark- see if being with someone else would ultimately give him the answers he needed and hopefully bring him back to me. We also decided to keep talking, and be honest with eachother if we went out on dates etc. I decided in my mind that i would wait to date anyone else, spend some time alone to make sure i was Ok with just me, before i got anyone else involved.

 

Mark on the other hand seemed to be making dates with different girls shortly after all this happened. Being true to our agreement of honestly, he told me about his plans with other girls and I would get upset and hurt. I know this isnt fair, I do not have a right to feel upset or hurt because he is doing exactly what i told him he should do.

 

I still love him and i always will, but i feel so betrayed and hurt by the things he says to me sometimes. I feel like I cant come to him with nearly as much as i used to before, things arent the same. I know its naive to expect things to be the same after all we've gone through but at times i really feel like he doesnt care about me or love me anymore.

 

We made love when we were together on that last night. Lately the idea of possibly being pregnant keeps popping up in my head, when i turned to him for comfort or to talk about it hes talking to some girl on the phone. It hurt. I'm not sure what to do anymore- we've tried not talking, and we always come back to each other.

 

I fear if we dont do something soon, and keep going on the path we are on, we're going to drive eachother insane. I'm tired of being hurt, i'm tired of hurting him by bringing up what hes done a million times...i want him to be happy in the end and if the only way that is possible is never talking to me again then so be it. We've run out of options so we're asking for suggestions.

 

Well you know he's going out so why aren't you? He needs a dose of his own medicine. As long as he feels like he has you on a hook, and yes you are guilty of letting him think that, then on a hook you will stay. Get a life and enjoy yourself and while that's happening maybe you two will come together.