5 times in 13 years

[5150love]

Hello,

 

I'm hoping to get some insight as to what I should do, my partner and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children together and I've raised her daughter as my own since she was 1 year old. For the most part our relationship has been great, we started out struggling of course as most young couples do but over the past 6 years we have really thrived, with the exception of her cheating, in 2001 she had her first affair with our roommate for over a year, the whole time she made me think I was crazy until it was finally exposed that they were in love...I gave them the option of being together and he bailed..she was heart broken. Over the the next 6 years she had 3 more affairs. Since 2007 we have been doing great except that she has never made any type of sexual advance towards me, I'm always the aggressor..we've talked about this and she just doesn't seem to change, this wouldn't be a problem if she was like that with everyone but she's not, I just feel like she is not attracted to me anymore and hasn't been for the past 13 years..until about a month ago she started seeing her trainer, I suspected it and she made me think I was crazy..the truth finally came out when her Trainers GF sent me pictures and messages that she found, when I confronted my partner she didn't deny it, but after reading the emails there was obviously feelings between them. She feels like she needs closure from him and I feel like she does also..we know that the trainer is just a player but he filled her head with all kinds of feelings and she fell for it..I don't want to break up my family our youngest is 5 but am I holding on to something that's not there? Is there any amount of counciling that will help us? I should add that last year I also had an affair, I fought the urge for 12 years in the midst of feeling un attractive, pride less, and no self esteem..someone showed me some attention and I was weak, I gave in to my selfishness I finally told my partner about it and explained my feelings and my reasons, she apologized for making me feel that way and said she understood...any advice from anyone?

[atreides]

I don't want to break up my family our youngest is 5 but am I holding on to something that's not there?

 

Yes, you are not happy and are made to feel unworthy and I really don't know if she will ever be, but the kids will pay either way, probably more so if you try to stay together.

 

Is there any amount of counciling that will help us?

 

You can always have help... but I do not think it is worth R for the amount of time you will need to gain any form of trust and there are better options out there for you to where you wont be made to feel unworthy.

 

I should add that last year I also had an affair, I fought the urge for 12 years in the midst of feeling un attractive, pride less, and no self esteem..someone showed me some attention and I was weak, I gave in to my selfishness I finally told my partner about it and explained my feelings and my reasons, she apologized for making me feel that way and said she understood...any advice from anyone?

 

I read your situation as like you are on the side of a mountain holding up a bolder, losing your foothold and another bolder is about to crash on top.

 

Just end it, you two need to move on but work out the children and assets amicably.

[atreides]

What are you looking for exactly? Do you really think anyone will tell you to stay with this serial cheater who has never loved you, found you attractive or respected you? You know what we are all going to recommend, right? What do you want from us?

 

Yep, many see the writing on the wall but need it read to them.

[harrybrown]

Start to respect yourself. Get a divorce and get her out of your life. How many times can you survive getting shot and stabbed? After she ripped out your heart, she set it on fire. Get out while you can still get the heart started again. She walks all over you and does not respect you or care for you at all.

[5150love]

Just lost I've spent half my life with her, I know what needs to happen..just don't want to admit it...

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow 5150love, I can't think of too many things in life that could happen to me 5 times and still leave me unclear as to their meaning. Tornadoes destroy my house 5 times, I'm going to move. Have 5 heart attacks, I'm going to change my diet. Get 5 IRS audits...well, you get the point.

 

I can think of many rational and effective responses to your partner's repeated infidelities. Having my own affair wouldn't be one of them. And I can't help but wonder why, when you're both so motivated to be with other people, you'd stay together ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[5150love]

I guess I was reaching for stars, hoping that maybe someone else had been through similar situations, someone to say don't give up keep trying, but you are all right, I feel silly now for even posting this. And just to be clear, I was never motivated to be with other people, I'd never been in the situation and when it did present itself it felt different and almost like I deserved to feel wanted..

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Does she still see the trainer? Still go to the gym? Does she say she's in love with him?

 

What does she say about all of this, all of her past cheating, and whether she wants to stay married to you?

 

Why does she say she wants to stay married to you? Have you asked her that?

[pteromom]

She has issues beyond anything that is going on in your marriage. Some need for attention from other men that won't go away without some intensive therapy and self-work.

 

She is incapable of being faithful in a marriage.

 

If you move forward with her, you have to do it with the knowledge that she will cheat again.

 

But I'd just cut my losses and end it. Spend some time on your own to re-normalize yourself, then look for someone new.

[5150love]

Does she still see the trainer? Still go to the gym? Does she say she's in love with him?

 

What does she say about all of this, all of her past cheating, and whether she wants to stay married to you?

 

Why does she say she wants to stay married to you? Have you asked her that?

 

No she doesn't see the trainer anymore, and she doesn't go to the gym or say she's in love with him. She says she doesn't know why she cheats other than she likes the attention, she has been a stay at home mom for than 18 years never had to work. I think I'm the only piece of security she has..

[TiredFamilyGuy]

5050, I'm with the choir. leave if you have the means to do it. Kids will pay either way. This way, you get some self respect. Do a 180 - look up on this board what that means. No enabling.

[stillafool]

When you say "your partner", are you a woman also?

[5150love]

No but we're not married so I didn't say my wife..

[Bryanp]

1. get the children tested for paternity.

2. get tested for STD's.

3. get a good lawyer

 

How much more humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She clearly sees you as a doormat and nobody respects a doormat. If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[aliveagain]

I don't think you need us to tell you what you should do, your an adult male married to a serial cheater. Your best predictor of your future with her is to look at your history. Why haven't you pulled the plug, why do you keep taking her back, you know your just going to get more of the same? Talk to a lawyer, cut off her finances so your not funding her cheating, protect yourself and your children. Get tested for STD's. Expose all the Other Men, tell their spouse's, give her a consequence. Be prepared to share her with other men or decide today that your not going to be cuckold by her anymore. Whatever you did to deal with her problem over the last 18 years didn't work, I think she is too set in her ways and likes the attention from other men too much. This will be your life with her. I hate to bring this up but how do you know your children are yours? It happened to me and with her history it could have happened to you. Your not going to change her, when is enough, enough? Move her out of your bedroom, talk to a lawyer.

[5150love]

You are right about everything except the welfare, I'm am account manager selling services in the oil and gas industry, I make well over 6 figures base salary with all the benefits as in insurance, bonuses, and vacation..I can't defend myself against anything else you said..

[Bryanp]

This is great if you are not married. You can move on. When a woman can constantly have sexual affair on her partner and put them at risk for STD's without any consequences to her actions, the end result is obvious.

 

One more time if the roles had been reversed would she have accepted such major humiliation and disrespect from you as you have from her? One last time: IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL????????????????

[5150love]

There's no doubt the children are mine, spitting images of me and no I wouldn't get them tested nor toss them aside..

[Bryanp]

Holy smokes. If there is a question about paternity then you get them tested for the children's sake for their health. Duh.......Down the line there could be some genetic problems that you would need to know about. I never said ditch the children if they are not yours. Any health professional would tell you that this is absolutely crucial for the long range health of the children. How could any of you not know this?

[Grumpybutfun]

OP:

I never say run like he!! but even I can't come up with one good or even mediocre reason why you should stay. I am wondering if you are a troll because I can't imagine any man laying in the middle of the road while his wife keeps driving a steamroller over his chest for this many years. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, in case, and say that no one deserves to be treated like an ATM. I also would join some of the others in asking if you think it would be prudent to leave, take the children with you and get you and them into family counseling because nothing you described is healthy for children or for you?

 

I'm am account manager selling services in the oil and gas industry, I make well over 6 figures base salary with all the benefits as in insurance, bonuses, and vacation.

 

With your marketability, job security and financial situation, it is very clear to me that she stayed with you so she and her children would be comfortable while she had another life with boyfriends on the side. No wonder you have nothing left under the hood...she took all your parts and sold them for chump change...pun fully intended. Go chase a life without drama and deceit.

Luck,

Grumps

[Lokie]

The only option for staying together that I see is agreeing to an open relationship where both of you are free to see other people knowingly. But I suspect the hiding and sneaking around is part of the thrill for her.

 

Otherwise, I agree that it would benefit you most of all to separate from her and immediately go into therapy. Something unhealthy is playing out here and I think you would be amazed at how happy your life can be once you've uncovered the reasons why you've tolerated behavior like this. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Get to know yourself and learn to love who you are. Once you heal, you won't even consider questioning leaving a relationship like this, because you will leave at affair #1 - or you will choose someone who wouldn't ever consider being dishonest with you.

 

Good luck.

[Ebelskiver]

Holy smokes. If there is a question about paternity then you get them tested for the children's sake for their health. Duh.......Down the line there could be some genetic problems that you would need to know about. I never said ditch the children if they are not yours. Any health professional would tell you that this is absolutely crucial for the long range health of the children. How could any of you not know this?

 

Um, I'm a health professional, and actually, I wouldn't really recommend that. Mental health is as improtant as physical health and maintaining strong parental bonds is very important. Also, serious genetic maladies are rare.....particularly ones that show no signs earlier in life. If one of the children starts presenting with strange symptoms that defied explanation, get the paternity test then.

[bubbaganoosh]

I don't know why your there. It's a sham of a relationship and when she cheats on you that many times and you still stay, the I can honestly say that you get what you deserve. What the hells the matter with you. Is your self esteem that low that you are willing to accept this kind of behavior?

 

I have no doubt that you'll get tons of people telling you to bail, me one of them but I'll bet the house you stay. Friend, there is nothing there except a liar, a cheat and a fool who has put up with it.

[happysong]

Hello,

 

I'm hoping to get some insight as to what I should do, my partner and I have been together for 18 years, we have 2 children together and I've raised her daughter as my own since she was 1 year old. For the most part our relationship has been great, we started out struggling of course as most young couples do but over the past 6 years we have really thrived, with the exception of her cheating, in 2001 she had her first affair with our roommate for over a year, the whole time she made me think I was crazy until it was finally exposed that they were in love...I gave them the option of being together and he bailed..she was heart broken. Over the the next 6 years she had 3 more affairs. Since 2007 we have been doing great except that she has never made any type of sexual advance towards me, I'm always the aggressor..we've talked about this and she just doesn't seem to change, this wouldn't be a problem if she was like that with everyone but she's not, I just feel like she is not attracted to me anymore and hasn't been for the past 13 years..until about a month ago she started seeing her trainer, I suspected it and she made me think I was crazy..the truth finally came out when her Trainers GF sent me pictures and messages that she found, when I confronted my partner she didn't deny it, but after reading the emails there was obviously feelings between them. She feels like she needs closure from him and I feel like she does also..we know that the trainer is just a player but he filled her head with all kinds of feelings and she fell for it..I don't want to break up my family our youngest is 5 but am I holding on to something that's not there? Is there any amount of counciling that will help us? I should add that last year I also had an affair, I fought the urge for 12 years in the midst of feeling un attractive, pride less, and no self esteem..someone showed me some attention and I was weak, I gave in to my selfishness I finally told my partner about it and explained my feelings and my reasons, she apologized for making me feel that way and said she understood...any advice from anyone?

Well just wait for another 5 times so the total would be 10 times then you woke up and finally realize you should give her another 10 more times. See if she changes for good. Good luck.

[Trimmer]

Um, I'm a health professional, and actually, I wouldn't really recommend that. Mental health is as improtant as physical health and maintaining strong parental bonds is very important. Also, serious genetic maladies are rare.....particularly ones that show no signs earlier in life. If one of the children starts presenting with strange symptoms that defied explanation, get the paternity test then.

Since you're enhancing your credibility on this recommendation by way of offering your credential as a "health profesional", I think it's fair to ask for a more detailed description of your position in the health industry. If you're an MD, that's going to give me a different sense of the weight of your position than if you're an LMP, or LCSW, etc...

 

The reason I ask is that while I certainly agree with you as to the importance of the mental health aspect of this to the children, it's not just "serious genetic maladies" that one is concerned with when discussing family history. Any decent H&P interview includes some detailed questions about family history that relate to common health issues affecting many people today - not just the bizarre, rare genetic quirks. As researchers are discovering more and more about which conditions DO and DO NOT have genetic components, doctors can use this information to help patients - assuming they are able to collect an accurate family history. See this page on the AMA website (informational only; non-commercial, no advertising) for some information on the importance and usefulness of having an accurate family history.

 

So that's why I ask about your qualifications to make a recommendation to wait until a child "starts presenting with strange symptoms that defied explanation" before concerning yourself with an accurate family history. The family history doesn't only come into play with "strange" medical situations, it factors into the entire picture of a patient's health, and into treatment decisions as pedestrian and everyday as hypertension, stroke prevention, etc.

 

So if there's some reasonable chance that the children might not be those of the father-of-record, e.g. the possibility of affair(s) around the time of their conception, you could still do a paternity test without making a big deal of it. Then you could either (a) relieve yourself that the father-of-record is the biological father, and assure that an accurate medical history is available without stirring the pot, or (b) be aware that the father-of-record is NOT the biological father, and make the tough choice at that point.

 

This way, you can avoid the possibility of a double-pronged problem: missing potentially useful medical history about the real biological father, as well as actually asserting wrong medical history about the father-of-record, assuming it's relevant when in fact it's completely inaccurate.

 

And, this is not just about when the child is a child, and the parent is hovering right there, ready to speak up "if strange symptoms defy explanation." This also goes all throughout life - when they're an adult and still telling a doctor inaccurate medical history that they don't even know is wrong.

 

So, I don't know that I'm right - I'm NOT an MD, nor am I even a "health professional." I thought I understood that the importance of having an accurate medical history is about more than just rare "serious genetic maladies." Now that you've asserted a position of authority and given a recommendation, can you identify your credentials in more detail (maintaining your anonymity, of course), and tell me whether I'm off base here?

 

P.S. I acknowledge that the OP in this particular case has stated his confidence that the children are biologically his, and my arguments above are not intended to convince him otherwise, or apply to his particular situation. They are only intended to address and clarify the quoted recommendation by an asserted health professional.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Trimmer