5 times in 13 years

[BeholdtheMan]

I know what needs to happen

What needs to happen is that you need to grow a pair of balls and leave. Stop using kids as an excuse for your own cowardice

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP,

 

I have hope for you ... If you leave.

 

Your partnership is broken utterly. Sure she is sorry (again) to be caught (again) and just like before the reason is "attention" which translates as "because I wanted to". You have enabled her: as they say on the board hereabouts "No consequences for actions equals no reasons to change" We can all be fools but why repeat what went before and expect different results?

 

Perhaps you are the stoic hopeful type and are thinking of your kids. Well the transition will be hard but you will be a better man on the other side of it. You can still be an excellent father. You are sad but my friend you should just be angry: "according to her was only 3 times and it was terrible anyway, she didn't respond to his advances at all, just let him do it" Sure ... No excitement or pleasure .... For five affairs!

 

What a skank!

[Zenstudent]

Did you actually know about the affairs at the time, forgave her and stayed together each time? Or did you learn about the 3 affairs on your recent D-day?

 

Now that you have also cheated, you've once again accepted and blueprinted her cheating behaviour. How can she believe anything else than this: "He has stayed with me and he cheats too, I guess it's acceptable, then"??

 

I think you have two options: 1. Get out, see a lawyer and prepare for divorce. 2. Open marriage - you can both have the benefits of external validation, you can openly talk about it and support each other.

 

Of course there's also the cuckold option, but I didn't see that as a real alternative.

[Jim305]

I've seen a couple of posts suggesting that you have an open relationship. That doesn't sound like a good option because all (or at least most of) the women you'd try to pursue would reject you because they're looking for an available, unattached man who has his act together and his life in order - a married guy openly trying to have relationships with other women wouldn't be considered by healthy single women as a good catch. You've got to re-develop your self-esteem; in fact, based on what I've seen of your writing here, creating better self-esteem would be the very best and first thing you should start doing for yourself. Many of the people on here are right - get the paternity test, test for STDs, and divorce her, amicably if possible, acrimoniously if necessary. Good luck.

[Zenstudent]

I've seen a couple of posts suggesting that you have an open relationship. That doesn't sound like a good option because all (or at least most of) the women you'd try to pursue would reject you because they're looking for an available, unattached man who has his act together and his life in order - a married guy openly trying to have relationships with other women wouldn't be considered by healthy single women as a good catch. You've got to re-develop your self-esteem; in fact, based on what I've seen of your writing here, creating better self-esteem would be the very best and first thing you should start doing for yourself. Many of the people on here are right - get the paternity test, test for STDs, and divorce her, amicably if possible, acrimoniously if necessary. Good luck.

He did manage to have an affair, did he not?

 

I agree that OP should prioritize to build/rebuild himself first, no doubt about that, but he also needs to adress his relationship with his wife. IF he wants to stay with her (big IF), he might as well be open with her about their extramarital relations to avoid the dishonesty, which is the largest source of relationship destruction.

[jnel921]

13 years isn't half of your life. And no she does not understand how you feel nor does she care how you feel as she has done this repeatedly knowing full well you will be upset but tolerate it. I am not sure how you say things were great when she behaves like that?

 

If you don't want to leave her expect the same behaviors going forward. Just hope and pray that she does not get an incurable STD in the process.

 

Leaving her is your best bet but you don't seem confident about doing that. You have kids together and they should not grow up watching this behavior. But you can't force a happy marriage either.

[RavenWolf]

I have spent over 12 years married to a man who has repeatedly disrespected, cheated, and lied to me. I have been a stay at home mom and he has always supported that and I'm thankful for that.

 

I am now done with the marriage and just waiting to finalize the divorce. I can tell you we went to counseling multiple times over the years to no avail. I think if the affair was a one time deal, there is hope for change and reconciliation. However once there have been multiple offenses I feel it is very clear that the marriage is not salvageable, as the cheating partner obviously has no real remorse nor have they learned any lesson other than they will be forgiven or taken back.

 

I have two children and no job and have to do this on my own, scared to death without any skills. But you know what? Somehow it will work out and the kids and I will be happier for it.

 

I would rather be alone with my kids and know I'm not going to be given a disease or have my heart broken repeatedly than stay in a marriage with a partner who clearly can't or won't be faithful.

 

If her reasoning is she needs attention then tell her to get a job in customer service. She will get plenty of attention, and not all of it will be positive.

 

My biggest advice to you is to cut your losses and move on. Work on improving your self esteem and self worth, as I am having to do. Start working out. It's the one thing that has been helping me improve my self esteem and helping me to start liking myself.

 

From my experience, we are not going to get the faithful partner we need or deserve from a repeat cheater spouse/partner. At 36 years old and lots of bodily imperfections I am choosing to stay away from dating and just be on my own as I do not want to feel like I'm not good enough for anyone.

 

We need to stand up for ourselves and teach our children that it is not okay to stay in relationships where we are routinely disrespected and made to feel as though we are worth less than we really are.

 

It really pisses me off in your situation that you allowed her to stay at home and she stepped out on you. As a woman, the fact that my husband worked hard so I could stay at home with our kids is one of the things I respected about him and actually made me lust after him. I could over look a lot of things because he gave me the gift of time with my children that many women do not have the advantage of having.

 

Of course, after this final episode of his a switch flipped and I no longer love him nor have the slightest smidgen of respect for him.

 

Cut your losses. Move on. Don't let her have the chance to stomp your heart into the ground one more second.

[crepesuzette]

5150Love,

 

I am SO sorry for your pain, I can feel it in your post. Your betraying partner has many issues that have not been addressed through out the years. She has had multiple affairs and has NEVER answered her "whys". Does she realize there is an issue? It sounds as if you are putting all of your issues on her lack of sexual attraction towards you. While that may very well be the case, that should be looked in to. I had an LTA, but have been in R and NC for 4 years now. The MOM felt that was one of the many issues in his M as well. He was not sexually attracted to his BW blah blah blah. He found his feelings for her to be more of a "friendship" level then as lovers. He and I were friends for years prior to the A, he referred to their sex life as "vanilla" and he did not know how to change it since there was no attraction from him towards her. But that is the point, he had issues with HIMSELF that went far beyond his lack of sexual attraction for her. The rush for him with various new sexual encounters is an issue, he never looked inward, he just simply blamed it on his BW. Every issue HE had, he quickly blameshifted on to her. He wasn't happy with her...it was because she wasn't any fun. He had to do all the work at home, that was because she was lazy. He wasn't sexually attracted to her, that was because he didn't find her attractive. There was always a quick answer for him, but none of it fell on him, it was ALL on her.

 

Your partner has issues that lie within her, not you. Yes there may be partnership issues, but she needs to go into IC first and for a long time, judging by the amount of years of her A. You as well cannot justify your A due to the fact that you felt ignored. You should have faced the issues and worked hard WITH your partner to find answers, not turn outside of your relationship.

 

I have been in R for 4 years now. IC was intense for the first 2.5 years...and I still go, though not as frequently, and many times the session is not even about my LTA, it can be about anything and everything. IC has taught me different tactics and approaches to open communication in EVERY aspect of my life. This journey has been about ME first, my BH second and our M third. A marriage cannot be whole when one or both people are broken.

 

If indeed your partner isn't sexually attracted to you then that is fine, and can be true. This I am sure is more basic for a man, but for a woman? I believe it is more of an emotional detachment and I believe her guilt has caused her to disconnect from you both in and out of the bedroom. Nothing builds a wall faster then guilt. You say she is sexually aggressive in her other relationships. I believe that is because she is playing a part. She seems to try to be validated by others, so she becomes who she "thinks" she should be and does what she thinks they want. She has a lot of work to do on herself...it is your choice to figure out if you want to stay while and IF she does that work. Good luck

Edited September 24, 2013 by crepesuzette