How did you get a deadline? (Timeline)

[LilGirlandOW]

I definetly think that, she's a cop. It would be like second nature for her to be curious about what he has going on, also she would be more inclined than other BS to spot red flags, IMHO.

[LilGirlandOW]

MJ, I dont know... we talk about their M all the time, I ask questions about certain things, so I understand their dynamic. To us, its like she is his xW, so we dont talk about her knowledge of us, almost like its none of her business. And thats what its like, so basically I dont care to ask. Keeping in mind he';s not the type of WS that is constantly covering his tracks... evidence wise anyways. I even keep stuff in his car, etc. Its strange. She barely fits into the equation.

[LilGirlandOW]

Ok, so if she knows about you, and she knows what is going on, why doesn't she just kick him out? Why does she continue to let it happen?

 

She's getting something out of it. Staying married to him whilst he has a gf must be better than being divorced. So if she's not going to make the move, and him divorcing her would immediately reduce the contact he has with his kids, why would he leave?

 

The answer to this is good and overwhelmingly ironic. He wants his kids to have an example of what a M should look like, with a H&W who are emotionally connected and happy. He doesnt want his kids to think he and her hate eachother because they fight and bicker alot when they spend any amount of time together.

[Journee]

I really just hope there is a resolution.

 

I will never understand why so many OW wait for deadlines that are months and years and ions into the future. I get it. I have kids and shared assets and property with my H. We have intertwined lives and I get that it's hard to separate..... but not impossible. Not something that waiting will cure. The lectures about how unique these A's are is baffling. How leaving a marriage while participating in an affair one more day or year from now is beneficial is beyond me. Beneficial to the married person so they can plan their exit and blindside the BS? Beneficial for the children to be one more year deep into the comforts of having an intact family until it's blown up.

 

What is there to wait for? If it's true love and the end game is to be open an honest for once. Do. It.

 

 

Everyone deserves better than this shat.

[jlola]

LGOW,

You are walking on eggshells with MM because no matter how much you profess he says you are the best thing to happen to him you are afraid to ask him to committ. You are afraid to come off as demanding. He calls the shots and you know it.

 

you beat around the bush and avoid asking important questions. Why? it seems you may be more insecure with this relationship than you say.

 

Are you afraid if you are not perfect,accepting,question too much, he will decide to stay with his wife? You try not to rock the boat, or to be a burden. In fact, it seems you go out of your way to prove to him you are he perfect woman. Using YOUR money to pay for expenses for you, him your kids and his kids.

 

It's as if you think you and you alone are not enough.

 

I think sometimes people in affairs prefer the affair because they know when it becomes "real life" perhaps it will not be so exciting anymore.

 

I really wish you do get him and it happens quick! I think it is very unfair to continue this betrayal behind the wife's back. Especially now that the in-laws are also in on the betrayal I think everyone who is helping this man backstab the BS has a bit of a cruel streak. I would not wish this group on my worst enemy.

[jlola]

This is reality.

 

The Betrayed
:

The impact of discovery can be overwhelming for the betrayed partner. Infidelity can produce one of the most profound and potentially damaging blows to the sense of self. Self worth and long-held views of the world stagger and buckle under the reality of betrayal.

 

The immediate shock of discovery can produce the adrenaline driven fight/flight response – a confusing, disabling, physically and emotionally distressing flood of information that seems to defy cognitive processing and comprehension.

 


It can be accompanied by the feeling of going crazy, and the depersonalized emotional state so common in PTSD. The body releases endorphins to block the pain. The numbed confused responses quickly turn to angry despair and exhaustion. The betrayed partner can experience a near permanent state of anxiety, consumed with tension, panic, dread, bitterness, intrusive, obsessive thinking, acute insomnia, hyper-vigilance and even panic attacks.

 

The immune system can be compromised and the ongoing stress produce reactions such as hair loss, ulcers and eczema. The impact of the trauma is all the more difficult to bear, because the person to whom they might turn to ordinarily for security and comfort is the source of staggering, consuming pain.

 

The Lover:

 


One of the prevailing characteristics of the ending of infidelity is the lack of conclusion; particularly for the lover. The experience of incompleteness and exclusion throughout the relationship is often compounded in the ending, and the majority of affairs do end upon discovery. (Pittmann 1989).
The Lover can experience a range of emotions. The grief and loss encompasses not just the ending of the relationship but also the loss of future hopes, dreams and expectations, particularly if the partnership was fuelled with promises of future exclusive commitment.

 

The pain of the loss is compounded if the lover has been idealised and told repeatedly that they are everything the partner is not. Lovers can experience a sense of helplessness, aloneness and despair. Anger is a typical reaction; with either the refusal to accept the end of the relationship and continuing to pursue the other, or the active desire to seek revenge.
Many lovers are quite self-disparaging. They blame themselves for their own foolishness in engaging in the relationship and for their naive hope that it could have worked. The pain of having co-created a situation where they feel used, disrespected and discarded can be intense and debilitating.

[WrinkledForehead]

I've never given a date, and still. I have done what you said you don't want to do. I rocked the boat. I've told him many times the situation is intolerable to me. He's seen how its impacted me over the months. At one point I was absolutely fed up and I said I was done. I walked away. I was ready to be done. I could never make him do anything, but I could take care of myself. I told him that its bs that he doesn't recognize my value, and in between him arguing the contraire, I told him I was done. And I meant it. I spent 4 days NC then 2 LC, and the LC days are when he said he was in therapy with a R/sex therapist. I talked to him and over the week after that, he was formulating how he would leave her.

 

It's yet to be seen (as you know if you've read my posts).

 

I also know I have the strength to end this thing if it comes down to it & he's taking his time.

 

I recognized how toxic this thing can be, and I also recognized that I want so much more from a partner, told him I could not abide, and was ready to walk away forever.

 

If you want the end of an A, my advice is to love yourself more than him. Whether you end up with him or not, the A will be over and I am sure that at that point, everyone should breathe a bit easier.

[MissBee]

MJ, I dont know... we talk about their M all the time, I ask questions about certain things, so I understand their dynamic. To us, its like she is his xW, so we dont talk about her knowledge of us, almost like its none of her business. And thats what its like, so basically I dont care to ask. Keeping in mind he';s not the type of WS that is constantly covering his tracks... evidence wise anyways. I even keep stuff in his car, etc. Its strange. She barely fits into the equation.

 

Well...ok.

 

It's "like" she is his ex-wife but she isn't....

 

Just like your ex-husband is like your ex but isn't really since you're still married, then he popped up and hurt you.

 

These pretend situations obviously don't translate well, as you and he pretending his actual current wife is his ex wife when she is't and when you and he aren't divorced just doesn't make sense.

 

Idk Lil. Good luck.

[Red Wolverine]

 

Sweet_Pea, I am, but my xH and I have sorted out everything all thats left is i suppose filing for the D, my xH makes more money than MM and I combined so he's not worried about what money I have coming in at all.

 

So, you're still married, haven't even filed for divorce, and your husband is paying the bills that allows you to stay in the four bedroom house.

 

I see why you aren't pushing a deadline. It's kind of difficult to ask MM to get moving on a divorce when you haven't made those moves yourself.

 

You need to practice what you preach.

[Got it]

So, I tried bridging the subject with MM. He is convinced that we are a couple, we see eachother alot and talk/text from morning to night. Business as usual.

 

So we got talking, I told him that the last couple days (even though we've had lots and lots of contact) that I feel lonely.... especially at night, which is strange cause my xH and I very rarely shared a bed... we had a very unromantic M. Plus the best sleeps I've had this past year are when MM and I slept in eachothers arms. Anyways, so I tell him that. He starts listing all the things he's doing/planning to do to "get out" of his present M.

 

I am the BIGGEST rug sweeper, non-pusher that ever existed I think, so it was left at that. No timeline, just what needs to happen first. I agree with the "list" as I dont want him to auto-move into my house, and IF we are to be together full-time I absolutely dont want it to be because I hurried him or made him, etc. I love the care-free time we spend together, and I dont want it to turn into stress because of a countdown to deadline.

 

I love what we have as of right now, he does everything to make me know I'm his "romantic priority", I know he doesnt see BS as a romantic interest. That part is all very obvious and open.

 

So we are slowly starting to mix finances, , I'm helping him get into the position he needs to be career wise to be able to afford to leave without depending on my help.

 

Anyways, enough babbling. So I will just plain walk before I give him an ultimatum. How did OW?OM get a date from WS about when he would leave BS for you?

 

I think a big problem we have is we seem to have it amazing right now, we spend so much, almost too much time together as it is. We're monogamous. Have 100% of eachothers trust. Its all about us. There is no him&her, its him&I... somehow we seem to just get closer and closer... The only problem, and I'm still trying to decide how big of a problem it really is, is that he lives with her. I live in a 4bdrm house. Asked MM how he would feel if I took in a male boarder (I never would just used it as bait/comparison), I asked him how it would feel if I was living with a man.... even as a roommate like he and BS. He says he trusts me more than anybody he's ever trusted in his life, so that would be fine. Bahhhh, he has it too good somedays, lol.

 

So I would LOVE to figure out a way to get him to offer up a timeline. He has a checklist, but that could obviously take the rest of his life. He's the happiest he's ever been has everything he's worked for, gets to be with his kids daily, and has the best OW gf that ever existed (I'm basically a sexy sheep, lol, fawwk).

 

note: when A started, I was just leaving my M and didnt want anything too serious other than a BF, so him leaving his M was only discussed on his part, cause he wanted out.

 

We sat down and discussed the relationship, we went over how each party felt about the relationship and about the affair. We went over what each party needed both financially, emotionally, physically, communication, etc. and we hammered out a compromise timeline encapsulating the above. We agreed to a year from that date including different criteria that needed to be met throughout it. We went over what each party needed and put it all together. I explained what my decision would be if he didn't hit the final deadline and he went over his actions if the agreement was broken.

 

I recapped it in writing later that night/next day so both parties could reference it and sent it to him.

 

I am very literal in that way. It was very helpful to me as I wasn't a HOW per say. And it kept in my mind that I had an end date but it also allowed me to enjoy "today" in that timeline. While certain things were hard to ask, and topics that would have been easier to avoid, I didn't want to live in grey assuming things and wanted everything out on the table as soon as possible. I knew this was a risky venture I was getting into and had a very high chance of heartbreak. So I wanted to make sure things were clearly understood so while it wouldn't have protected me from out and out lying it would negate "I don't remember", "I don't recall", etc.

[MissBee]

We sat down and discussed the relationship, we went over how each party felt about the relationship and about the affair. We went over what each party needed both financially, emotionally, physically, communication, etc. and we hammered out a compromise timeline encapsulating the above. We agreed to a year from that date including different criteria that needed to be met throughout it. We went over what each party needed and put it all together. I explained what my decision would be if he didn't hit the final deadline and he went over his actions if the agreement was broken.

 

I recapped it in writing later that night/next day so both parties could reference it and sent it to him.

 

I am very literal in that way. It was very helpful to me as I wasn't a HOW per say. And it kept in my mind that I had an end date but it also allowed me to enjoy "today" in that timeline. While certain things were hard to ask, and topics that would have been easier to avoid, I didn't want to live in grey assuming things and wanted everything out on the table as soon as possible. I knew this was a risky venture I was getting into and had a very high chance of heartbreak. So I wanted to make sure things were clearly understood so while it wouldn't have protected me from out and out lying it would negate "I don't remember", "I don't recall", etc.

 

This makes sense.

 

The beating around the bush or sitting at his feet doe-eyed looking up and hoping if you're a good enough little girl he'll leave for you is just a waste of time though.

[cif]

If you're still married why not just have fun? Why do you even care if he leaves or not?

[Trimmer]

The answer to this is good and overwhelmingly ironic. He wants his kids to have an example of what a M should look like, with a H&W who are emotionally connected and happy. He doesnt want his kids to think he and her hate eachother because they fight and bicker alot when they spend any amount of time together.

Wow, what a great plan. What could possibly go wrong?

[jlola]

Wow, what a great plan. What could possibly go wrong?

The blind leading the blind. Sometimes I think those relationships that seem to bring out the worst in people are the ones some cling to.Toxic all the way!!

 

It just seems Lil is willing to stand by this man who has shown himself to be conniving,a liar,cheat and disrespectful to his wife and her feelings.

 

But as long as he is not doing this to HER, it is ok. She will go along ith him and swoon at all his actions. Even the horrible disrespectful behavior o seems admired by her. Quite alarming.

 

Lil, understand you were abused at a young age and I understand you had betrayal with your therapist. So your actions puzzle me a lot as you know what this has done to you emotionally.It has scarred you for life.

 

I would think you would be empathetic towards the "victim" rather than sit by while the perpetrator betrays and hurts someone who is the mother of his children.

 

I used to get beat when i as younger. I mean beatings from a 6'1" man (my father)who lifted weights and was built like a bodybuilder. The stength that went into these beatings was immense.

 

I could never in a million years sit back and watch another child or adult get a beating even from a frail person and do nothng. Let alone give he person who was doing the beating ideas on how to do it better or leave less scars so he won't have to get in trouble if they accuse.

 

I guess what I mean is, once you have felt betrayal or abuse of any source , you SHOULD become hyper sensitive to people who are doing it.

 

But I guess there are two types of people out there. The ones who have felt the pain but cannot empathize with someone else when they see the same situation happening. They can sit by and watch someone else being betrayed or abused(as long as they are benefiting from the wrong, they will turn a blind eye)

 

And the ones who have empathy and remember that pain, the humiliation and wish never to be a part of destroying or helping to destroy another.

 

I am not saying your MM cannot leave. He should.! PRONTO!!!I am saying all of this disrespect to the wife, allowing his family in on his betrayal so everyone else is in on her life, but her, you and he not even considering her as the wife, but more like a non-person. Yet, all you and he think about is how to protect yourselves and get your ducks in a row so you both suffer no consequences is very sad.

 

Why does the BS have to suffer all of the consequences? What has she done to deserve such backstabbing?

[jlola]

Am I the only one who thinks this situation might end up on a 48 Hours Mystery?

 

I'd laugh at the situation (since as far as Im concerned all 4 of these people deserve each other) but its really sad there are small children entangled in this mess. What ever happened to putting your kids' emotional and mental health above your sex life?

 

Smh at all of this. I see selfish, emotionally immature, dysfunctional people at each angle of this triangle/quad.

 

 

Don't know how immature the wife is. Whatever MM says I would take with a grain of salt. It just seems her fault is that she is NOT perfect. So she must suffer. I feel bad for her.

 

As for Lil and MM. Lil was still married and had a 1 year old when she and MM got into the affair. I wonder how they can spend all day texting, go on hikes have all this time together to plan and plot.And still work and see their children and be the amazing parents they say they are. Would all day texting,hours on the phone and seeing each other so much take time away from the kids. Or is she already putting MM is her children's lives as "new step-daddy"

 

Perhaps if he left his wife, he would have more time with his kids if they share custody. Oh, forgot. He can't leave yet because of the kids.He's got to read to them and tuck them in everynight. Because he and only he(superdad), can do it.

[LilGirlandOW]

If you're still married why not just have fun? Why do you even care if he leaves or not?

 

Good point here,

 

I dont know, I guess not being in an A situation would be my best answer?

 

I've never asked him to leave, even before A he wanted to leave his M, I guess I want to help him with that.

 

I'm not the type to just "have fun" with men... MM and I clicked, fell in love, started EA turned PA. I've had VERY few partners in life, so I dont fall in love all the time, I'm not the "boy crazy" type and am scared to death of the thought of entering the dating scene.

[MissBee]

Good point here,

 

I dont know, I guess not being in an A situation would be my best answer?

 

I've never asked him to leave, even before A he wanted to leave his M, I guess I want to help him with that.

 

I'm not the type to just "have fun" with men... MM and I clicked, fell in love, started EA turned PA. I've had VERY few partners in life, so I dont fall in love all the time, I'm not the "boy crazy" type and am scared to death of the thought of entering the dating scene.

 

I think the bold is probably the answer to it all.

 

"Dating" an unavailable MM who you're both pretending you two aren't married is safer than freeing yourselves from marriage and being vulnerable to dating and having a real relationship where if it floats or sinks it's on you and not some easy default of it being the BS's fault or fate or horrible circumstance and if only he wasn't married we'd be perfect illusions. You both seem to have fallen into this dead-end because it's safe and neither of you are really free.

 

I doubt you can "help" MM leave his marriage, anymore than he can help you leave yours. I also wouldn't advise you to give him money but if you want to...alright...he really is something else though actually accepting it smh.

 

Anyway, didn't you say you wouldn't want to be with MM full time?

 

I do wonder how things would pan out for you should he really divorce and should you, when the safety net is gone and it's a real relationship with no padding.

Edited September 19, 2013 by MissBee

[LilGirlandOW]

If he were to leave BS today (for example)

 

Yes, I would still be by his side, as his gf.

 

He says when he leaves he wants to get his own place and establish some normalcy for his kids before pursuing our R to the next level, which I appreciate.

 

At the same time, I think there is a co-dependency situation going on with us, as our R has been evolving over the past year. Like if he gets sick or anything I take care of him, not BS... He has some somewhat minor medical issues which I am solely taking care of him for, when life events happen to him I'm his first call and confidant, so as much as I'm "addicted" to him, he says the same of me.

[sweet_pea]

Before you ask him to divorce/give him a timeline, you should probably actually file for your own....

[Red Wolverine]

Before you ask him to divorce/give him a timeline, you should probably actually file for your own....

 

Indeed. I noticed my post about this was not answered. No wonder the husband went nuts. He found a man in HIS house with HIS wife.

 

I keep reading xH when they are really H. Just as ridiculous as MM being referred to as BF on other forums on LS.

 

A married man is not a boyfriend. He is someone else's husband.

[2sure]

You mentioned that MM right now is the happiest he has ever been because he has you and his family.

 

Being happier than you have ever been, with your current situation, is not motivation to make changes.