Red Flag or Normal Jealousy?? Is this OK??

[Vet Tech Girl]

My boyfriend is always asking me if I'm texting other guys or talking to other guys? He does look through my phone which I think isn't good (?)

 

He's never trusted me and says he's been cheated on in the past.

 

If I don't answer my phone immediately he thinks the worst. He knows when I'm late from work and questions me about it.

 

He doesn't like when I hang out with my girlfriends cause he's sure I'm going to get "hit on".

 

This has gone on for awhile and seems to be our only argument. I'm getting weary of answering his questions and almost don't like to see him texting me cause I have to answer to him.

 

Is this normal behavior or not??

[CarrieT]

Not normal and a HUGE red flag showing controlling behavior...

 

Long term, it does not bode well for the relationship!

[Vet Tech Girl]

Really CarrieT?

 

He is a nice guy, never abusive physically.

 

The questioning/suspicions are persistent though and reassuring him doesn't seem to work.

 

Thanks for your input - I sorta thought as much but hated to think so.

 

Something else I'd like to know - do you think this type of behavior can be changed??

Edited September 19, 2013 by Vet Tech Girl
added second question

[atreides]

Too controlling and not healthy. Just because one pair of shoes didn't work out doesn't mean the new pair wont.

 

Can he change?

If you like him, you are going to have to sit him down and do the best you can to have him ease up and come to a compromise that you two agree to or tell him you can't go on and it was nice while it lasted. It will have to be his choice. If he agrees which he likely will, you will have to see if he can deliver. If he improves, you have a good shot at a good relationship, he may slip up every now and then but you need to watch for real progress. If he can't, you will have to move on.

Edited September 19, 2013 by atreides

[Vet Tech Girl]

Thanks Atreides. Not sure i understand your comment about the shoes? Could you explain? It's important i grasp what you are saying as this is a big deal to me at this point in my relationship. Thanks

 

 

I have tried talking and talking and talking about the situation. In fact even said if he started one more argument about whether I liked (insert any random male I come in contact with) and it was over.

 

Of course, it happened again and I haven't had the heart to end it. Yet.

 

He says he gets ideas in his head and can't stop his thoughts.

 

Thanks all for any more input.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Vet Tech Girl
Question for etraides

[atreides]

Thanks Atreides. Not sure i understand your comment about the shoes? Could you explain? It's important i grasp what you are saying as this is a big deal to me at this point in my relationship. Thanks

 

 

I have tried talking and talking and talking about the situation. In fact even said if he started one more argument about whether I liked (insert any random male I come in contact with) and it was over.

 

Of course, it happened again and I haven't had the heart to end it. Yet.

 

He says he gets ideas in his head and can't stop his thoughts.

 

Thanks all for any more input.

 

The shoes is an analogy for him, just because he has been cheated on, "old shoes" does not mean you will, "new shoes"

 

It is too controlling... he can change.. I have had an old good friend whose wife cheated on him and he remarried but the new women endured a lot of his insecurities but they have a healthy relationship today. It was time and patience in my opinion that helped him but she gave up a lot in the beginning, it was not easy. You have to weigh how much you like or love him to help him. Clearly it is not going to be overnight.

You could leave him, which may help him but only by repressing his feelings in order to have a relationship with someone else he may find vs conquering them if he is able to be with someone who will not stray and with time repair the damage done.

[nessaaa]

Thats normal.

 

When you really like someone you get paranoid.

[Vet Tech Girl]

No wonder I'm confused!!!

 

Such varying opinions.

 

Some say normal and some say run like heck.

 

I dont understand the difference between normal "paranoia" and jealousy that is destructive and/or going to get worse or dangerous.

 

How do you recognize it??

[PegNosePete]

What? No that is not normal at all. Not sure why nessaaaa is trolling you by talking utter bullsh*t.

This guy is a freaky controlling manipulative person.

If you can sit him down and get him to change then go for it. But if not, move on. It will not stop on its own. And constantly reassuring him clearly is NOT working, in fact you're enabling his bad behaviour by playing this stupid game.

[atreides]

No wonder I'm confused!!!

 

Such varying opinions.

 

Some say normal and some say run like heck.

 

I dont understand the difference between normal "paranoia" and jealousy that is destructive and/or going to get worse or dangerous.

 

How do you recognize it??

 

 

To be paranoid he would have to have irrational thought which he does not if has been cheated on. In other words he has cause but can take it way too far. He is neither jealous or paranoid, he is controlling, too much so. He will unchecked smother you too much.

 

Stop looking for definitions, if you love this guy, he can change, i have seen it with a friend of mine but it will be hard, it is your choice if want to take that on. Is he worth it to you?

[giblesp]

Your BF hasn't fully processed being cheated on. Maybe there's some underlying issues with trust there as well, especially if he came from an abusive household.

 

Looking through your phone is not healthy and needs to stop straight away.

 

Eventually you're going to feel imprisoned and controlled, and that could spell the end of the relationship. He needs to know that, he's going to lose you if he gos on like this.

 

It does take time and patience as atreides pointed out. I too was cheated on, and am still processing it. It's a big shock to the system and when I see my GF being approached by a male 'friend,' (who's obviously interested in more than friendship) I have to sidestep a massive reaction inside myself. (I haven't always succeeded in this, it takes time)

 

But it's just a reaction, I know that I can trust my partner and she's not my ex. In fact, my mind is reacting to my ex and not my present relationship, which is what you BF is doing, except he's acting upon it.

 

Let him know he's doing that, help him to see it and then as a man he should then take action to mend himself and be in his relationship.

 

Jealousy comes from an inability to process pain, and the person usually ends up trying to control a situation or a person, to prevent that pain happening again. But doing this can destroy a relationship. That pain has to be faced, and both your BF and myself have to do that.

Edited September 19, 2013 by giblesp

[Chi townD]

Actually it is quite normal as well as unhealthy.

 

Look, he got burned pretty bad and I speculate that he didn't trust anyone for quite some time. He found you and he felt a connection with you. Therefore, subconsciously he trying to protect what he has with you. He doesn't want to lose that. You're probably the first person that he's allowing he's walls to come down in front of and it makes him feel exposed to getting hurt again.

 

So, you need to sit down with him and TALK to him about everything that's happening. You need to tell him that you're sorry that he got burned in the past, but you're not his Ex and that you value what you have together. However, you need to be trusted. That when you give someone your heart that heart belongs to him and him alone. That he needs to start trusting you or else this relationship can't go forward.