Caught in an emotional affair...I'm the OM

[Kushed]

She's my coworker, we actually met about 18 yrs ago, but didn't really talk until she was hired at my work, 5yrs ago. I'm a divorced dad of 2, who, live with me full time. She's married, and has 2 of her own. It started with text messages this past spring, and never really progressed past that, the closest we got was one hug. She's unhappy in her marriage, but won't leave for the children's sake. We both have acknowledged the feelings we have for each other. She's an amazing woman. My problem is I'm having a hard time letting go of these feelings. I realize this is probably never going anywhere. It feels like my problem is so small compared to some of the stories I read here, but I'm really lost and unsure what to do.

[Cinnimon]

Kushed....All I can say is save yourself. I have been involved in an strictly emotional affair for three and a half years now. I sit here tonight alone and crying, trying to just feel an ounce of normal and I have never even met MM in person. I know that seems odd but it's true and we started off as just friends on a social network site. I know all of this is overwhelming and the rush of emotions can wrap you up quickly but please read, read , read these forums. For the most part it's like reading your fate.......

Good luck.

[LilGirlandOW]

My A started out just like yours. Except I was his assistant, so we worked side by side. We started out as friends, both unhappily M. I separated from my H within a couple months of working for him, not because of MM. A month or so after separating, MM took me out for a work lunch and our R pivoted from a working R to an EA, as MM professed his feelings for me, we carried on EA slowly and cautiously as he had never cheated on her before, and I wasnt interested in being anybodys OW. One night, and I remember it like it was yesterday, we talk about it often too... but that one night, it was 3am.... we were working a 12hr stretch so this was our lunch break, he and I went for a walk to get fresh air as it was a hard night and he reached his hand out for mine without even a thought like it was just natural and we walked and held hands... my xH and I never held hands or anything like that. So we walked and held hands and talked... mostly about work, got back to his car... drove the 1/2km back to work, parked and sat there silently, it was kinda akward because we always had something to say or talk about but it was dead silence, he put his hand over mine to hold it from the top of my hand and i looked at him he told me that I was the most beautiful person he's ever met, then he corrected himself and said he meant like beautiful inside and out, I smiled looked down at our hands and felt his other hand touch my face, so I looked up and he said I really mean that... we kissed, the kiss was quick and like a little peck like I could tell this is how he kisses his wife, it wasnt what I expected, so it was quick and then I leaned over and kissed him passionately, after that we went into work, made miracles happen as we always did. Later after we both went hom he said I was the first person he's "french kissed in at least 10yrs" and that I awoke a part of him he thought was long gone. After that it was full out PA. Fast forward a year later, today, and I'm still the OW, he's still the MM. I love him, we're madly in love. But its freaking complicated. If you dont like complications and rollercoasters bow out while you can. If you can withstand all that go for it. If our A ended tonight, MM will still be the great love of my life to date (I'm in my early 30's)

 

Long story short, be cautious, follow your heart, sometimes experiencing the dance is worth it (in the words of the great Garth Brooks, lol).

 

If you are content with life now and dont like to gamble then its probably better to just leave it alone.

 

Good luck OP

[4MyOwnGood]

I've been in a number of these situations, and once I finally started to break down the components, I realized the attachment is not the problem so much as giving myself permission to pursue it when I knew it was a dead-end.

 

And so now, you have to begin the process of letting go... It's much the same as grieving. It feels just awful, but it's also healthy and self-loving and the right path. And I do think part of that healing is to ask yourself what about the circumstances felt safe or familiar or comfortable to you--how did this fit into your system?

 

And make a pact to be more protective of yourself next time. It's easy enough to get hurt by people who you feel a connection with *and* who are available, but that's a much better risk to take, probability-wise...

[kamani]

Possibility is that this is not going to remain an EA. You've already admitted to feelings.

 

Search google and do some research on EAs. You'll see that it is equally painful, difficult to end and never had a happy ending. Please get out now.

[Bluebelle38]

If she has said she will stay in her marriage for her kids, then walk away. This is unfair on you, yet she has the best of both worlds.

 

Ask yourself what kind of love do you want? Is it one that is reciprocated and pure? A love that is as committed to you as you are them?

 

There are so many wonderful people out there. Find one that wants to give their heart to you and only you. You sound like a loving, kind man who deserves a lot more than what is on offer here.

 

Look out for yourself and your heart before it gets even messier x

[Wambo]

She's my coworker, we actually met about 18 yrs ago, but didn't really talk until she was hired at my work, 5yrs ago. I'm a divorced dad of 2, who, live with me full time. She's married, and has 2 of her own. It started with text messages this past spring, and never really progressed past that, the closest we got was one hug. She's unhappy in her marriage, but won't leave for the children's sake. We both have acknowledged the feelings we have for each other. She's an amazing woman. My problem is I'm having a hard time letting go of these feelings. I realize this is probably never going anywhere. It feels like my problem is so small compared to some of the stories I read here, but I'm really lost and unsure what to do.

 

Trust me having an affair, EA or PA with a co worker is no small problem.

 

I'm at the final stages of my EA, so I know what you are going through. The situation you are facing is very complex and it's going to be very difficult to manage. This is going to be hard to believe but you will need to go NC on her and try to keep your distance. If you can change your job or change department then go for it.

What you are experiencing is an illusion or false hopes you two will be together. In reality what this EA is doing is preventing both of you moving on with your lives and instead digging yourselves in a bigger hole everytime you allow this EA to continue.

In reality she is using you because she doesn't want to leave her marriage. It maybe hard to believe but it's the truth. She wouldn't give you all this attention otherwise. She is feeding off you and only giving you scraps back. You have to end the EA and your friendship. It's the only way you can move on. Sadly it's the truth and she not going to leave her husband while you are still with her.

[LilGirlandOW]

Also depending on work policy and the wake to follow the eventual end of the A, one or both of you may have to resign. Thats what happened to me.

[KentuckyGent]

Kushed, please please take it from someone who got in way too deep and get out while you have your sanity. I promise you that you do not want to feel what I feel and you will soon be headed in that direction if you don't cut ties now. When there's an opportunity it WILL turn physical and it WILL be too late. As a single OM it will be doubly difficult for you as you don't have the comfort and familiarity of a M to turn to fill voids like she does. If my MW had told me early on and not future faked with me I'd have been out of there with a quickness. She's doing you a favor and giving you an out b telling you she won't leave. Take the opportunity. Better to rip the band aid off now than letting this thing fester.

[Kushed]

Thank you for the replies. I have a lot of meditating to do.

[Wambo]

Thank you for the replies. I have a lot of meditating to do.

 

Just beware of the impact it could have on your children.