My wife just told me she cheated....

[HurtfutureDO]

So I've read through a few of these and some of you have given some good words of encouragement so I wanted to share my story.

 

My wife and I married 3 years ago, she was finishing undergrad and I grad school and in the process of applying to medical school. We had been together for 3 years before marriage and thought we were ready (I kind of second guess that now). Anyway, sometime in our second year of marriage when I was under a lot of stress trying to get into medical school, we both began to focus on ourselves and less about our marriage. Long story short, we started telling ourselves that we had to do what was best for our careers, even if that meant "temporarily" living in different cities while married.

 

So, thats what we did. Last year, I was in med school and she taught in a different state 5 hours away. There had been times in our relationship in the past where my wife would feel "neglected" by me and start getting attention from other guys that made her feel good, but she would always tell me about it and distance herself from those situations. So I trusted my wife, would have never thought in a million years that she would have sex with another man. But, she recently told me that a co-worker at her school started giving her attention and we struggled because we lived so far apart.

 

Two things that hurt me the most from this:

1. Since marriage, my wife has never been a very "sexual" person (hence me not understanding how she could do this to me). But since I had the summer off from school, I lived with her over the summer. She says that the affair only occurred for a couple months from Jan-March (in which it happened multiple times). I thought we had a great summer together. Went on vacation, had sex multiple times, never expected anything. Again, she says that she cut ties back in March, but they were co-workers, so he was constantly around trying to get things going again. But he apparently didn't pursue her much over the summer since I was around, but he started back up again once school started and I was gone.

 

2. For some reason, I had a funny feeling about a guy that she worked with because I noticed that he constantly "liked" a lot of her pictures on instagram, particularly the ones that had to do with school, but none that had anything to do with me. But again, I never suspected anything for 2 reasons; she told me that he was married and had a son and he's black (my wife and I are white). I don't claim to be racist, but I was raised in the south...

 

She says she told me that it wasn't about the sex and she acted purely on emotion, that he gave her the attention that she felt I wasn't giving her, and that it happened multiple times because she was afraid that she would lose that attention from the OM if she didn't have sex with him. I'm trying to forgive her. She quit her job and is in the process of moving here with me. I'm trying, but the thought of a black man banging my wife just makes me sick (and again, I'm not trying to be hateful or racist, just honest here)

 

Sorry I typed up a book...any advice??

[aliveagain]

Take your time to make a decision about staying. Did she disclose the affair or did you discover it on your own. Have you been tested for STD's, it is important you both do so immediately and make sure you tell your doctor why, he needs to know what to test for. If they had sex multiple times it's very likely no protection was used. Remember, cheaters are liars, if their lips are moving their lying, believe nothing she says, trust only in her actions. Have her write out a timeline of the events, how it started, where, when, how many times, did she enjoy it, did size make a difference, did she do things with him that she has not done with you? Expose him to his wife, don't tell your wife your going to do it, just do it, things may come out regarding her affair that she may not be disclosing and it's good to have a second set of eyes. You need to talk to a lawyer, you still don't know how this is going to turn out. Married three years and she's already cheating, not a good sign, she has severe boundary issues. She needs independent counseling to find out why she allowed herself to cheat. Sometimes infidelity is just a deal breaker, that choice belongs to you. You were both apart from each other, she banged a co worked for 3-4 months, you kept your vows. She is broken.

[HurtfutureDO]

She came to me about it, in which she said it was because she wanted our relationship to move forward and felt I needed to know.

 

I had the same thought about telling the OM's spouse. I just felt so hurt that I wanted to destroy him in some way. Should I do this? Is it really the right thing to do, to lash out my feelings and hurt the OM by telling his wife or confronting him about it?

[aliveagain]

She came to me about it, in which she said it was because she wanted our relationship to move forward and felt I needed to know.

 

I had the same thought about telling the OM's spouse. I just felt so hurt that I wanted to destroy him in some way. Should I do this? Is it really the right thing to do, to lash out my feelings and hurt the OM by telling his wife or confronting him about it?

 

 

It is absolutely the right thing to do. She needs to know that her life is at risk, your wife may not be his first rodeo. She needs to be able to decide the future of their relationship. By withholding the information from her you become an accomplice to their infidelity. Don't take that choice away from her. It's a good sign that your wife came to you and disclosed her affair. Stay strong, your the prize, not her.

[HurtfutureDO]

Should I confront him to tell his wife or just tell his wife?

[aliveagain]

Should I confront him to tell his wife or just tell his wife?

 

Don't confront him, it could go badly, besides he'll lie, he has no loyalty to you, your wife does. Don't tell your wife, don't tell him, just do it as kindly as you can. Supply her with evidence if she needs it. She deserves the truth. That's how I found out about my spouse's 2 year affair and that's how I found out my son was Other Man's child. It's not about revenge but if it makes you feel good doing it, bonus.

Edited September 19, 2013 by aliveagain

[harrybrown]

Tell the OMW. She needs to know. Has your wife been tested for stds? What has your wife done to help you heal? Has she told her parents about her affair? Has she gone to counseling? Has she read about how to help you heal from her affair? Has she given you all her passwords?

[dichotomy]

It is very early in your marriage and no kids, or home you both own. You are young, and about to become a doctor or medical professional? I think you need to ask yourself the reasons you should stay married here. Also did I read the sex is not as good or frequent as you would like anyway?

 

Why stay married - list the plus and minus out to staying married or divorcing. Make a list - add it up.

 

Basically what you say is that if your wife experiences a lack of affection or is apart from you she will feel the need to get it elsewhere. In a long marriage there will be times (down times) were the affection is lacking or you are both struggling with something (kids, stress, whatever) - so basically she will be likely to cheat and getting it from another guy? You want to be married to someone with this character trait? You will always be wondering.

 

However I will give her ALOT of credit for coming to you and confessing. It sounds like maybe you would not have ever known? She could have gotten away with it?. There can be two reasons for this - 1)She really loves you and can't live with the guilt 2)Maybe she wants you to leave her.

 

The black guy thing is just another higher hurdle for you to over come. I don't have any advice on this, other than as a man we all deal with "was it better with him" thing -and affairs really make this difficult - and the fact that he was black just adds all sorts of extra for you personally.

 

Yes tell the OM's wife. Offer to tell her what you know - and ask that she get back to you with the same.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Should I confront him to tell his wife or just tell his wife?

 

Don't bother with him. His wife deserves to know. Don't you feel you deserved to know? How would you have felt if his wife had told you that your wife had an affair (assuming you didn't know yet)? Isn't that knowledge you would want to have? You will be doing her a favor by telling her, even though you are giving her bad news, it is information she needs to make informed decisions about her own life.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

So, this ATTENTION thing has been going on for a long time, your entire relationship? You are in for a lot of future headaches regarding her need for attention. Wait until you have kids. See how much attention you will be able to give her then. There always is some other guy out there who is willing to trade "attention" for sex. It's a common story.

[PegNosePete]

So you're trying to forgive your wife, but what is she doing to help you do that? Damn if my wife cheated on me within 3 years of marriage she would be out the door so fast I'd have to FedEx her shadow to her.

 

If there are kids involved or if it was a 10 year marriage then maybe it would make a difference, but 3 years? BAIL.

[stillafool]

So, this ATTENTION thing has been going on for a long time, your entire relationship? You are in for a lot of future headaches regarding her need for attention. Wait until you have kids. See how much attention you will be able to give her then. There always is some other guy out there who is willing to trade "attention" for sex. It's a common story.

 

This is what I'm thinking. What is it with women needing all of the ATTENTION lately and cheating to get it? I personally couldn't be with someone that needy that they would screw anything to get it. I'm afraid if your wife is this needy for attention what is to prevent her from doing this again? Did she not receive enough attention as a child? Good grief!

[stillafool]

Should I confront him to tell his wife or just tell his wife?

 

Do not confront him or speak to him. Just tell his wife. He doesn't deserve anything more.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Has she told the truth? Maybe. You can likely find out: get his cell from your wife and call him. Tell him if he hangs up you will call his wife immediately, he has a single shot. Be prepared to call her and have her on speed-dial. Get from him when it started, ended, where it happened, how often. Record it. Chances are she minimized, not that it matters much, you just need to know the discrepancies.

 

Then call the principal and out him.

 

She did not tell you over the summer.

 

Perhaps her co-workers now know and that is why she quit.

 

Perhaps her lover was holding the secret over her and so she quit.

 

She deserves some credit for the confession - make the divorce civil.

 

But get back together? Trust her? Don't do it, man.

 

Seriously. There are no kids. She cheated. She has not moved back in with you yet. Bail right this second, now, tell her you are done.

[NotCamelot]

Tell his wife as quickly as possible. Be prepared for her not to believe, so be able to back it up with something.

 

Then, if you still want her, let her know that it all stops today. Have her contact him by phone with you there and have her end it then.....no further contact.

 

She should immediately look for work somewhere else. No contact.

 

You should have all passwords, logins, etc, for everything she does/uses. Check them everyday.....including phone records.

 

It is up to her to work to keep you......not the other way around. You did nothing wrong. Yes, neglect is a bad thing - for both parties. But that is not an excuse for what she did.

 

And, finally, yes, I would confront him - before his wife does. In a less-than-threatening way, tell him very clearly that your wife is off-limits to him and that any future advances will not go well. Leave him to wonder what the outcome will be. DO NOT DISCUSS IT. Make your statement and no further talk. Except maybe to say: Oh, and I just told your wife everything.

[BetrayedH]

As others have said, expose the affair to his wife. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Don't give any heads up to him or your wife. This just allows them to concoct a story about how you are some crazy jealous husband making insane accusations. She's going to have a tendency to believe her husband more than some random stranger so you'll also need to be able to provide proof.

[aliveagain]

She says she told me that it wasn't about the sex and she acted purely on emotion, that he gave her the attention that she felt I wasn't giving her, and that it happened multiple times because she was afraid that she would lose that attention from the OM if she didn't have sex with him. I'm trying to forgive her. She quit her job and is in the process of moving here with me. I'm trying, but the thought of a black man banging my wife just makes me sick (and again, I'm not trying to be hateful or racist, just honest here)

 

Sorry I typed up a book...any advice??

 

 

There were so many other options like moving to where you are which you are now doing, why is it an option now but not then? Why did she want his attention when she should have been fighting for your attention? How can bringing a third person into your marriage fix what is broken in it? You can twist it anyway you want but the only real reason she started banging her coworker is because she wanted to and thought she could get away with it. Chances are that others noticed their behavior, according to her they were only physical for three months but he had to pursue her long before that. He continued while you were with her that summer just not as aggressively until you left again. They must have been the talk of the school, my guess is others knew and her resignation was very convenient for them. Interracial affairs can be a whole different hell, I can not give you any advice regarding race, just as I wouldn't give any advice if it were about gender, this is between you and your wife to work out.

[road]

Do not make the decision to divorce or recover right now. Give yourself time to deal with her having an affair. It may come down to her doing a BOM is too much for you to forgive. Maybe you can but you will never forget the OM race. Then it could be another reason why you want a divorce. Then you may want to recover your marriage. Though your brain is to muddled from the shock. This is why no life changing decision should be made now.

 

You should expose the OMW and where the OM works. Send letters to the Superintendent, Director or HR, Board Members, Principal.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Get STD tests for you and your WW.

[Bryanp]

It is interesting that you were in the same situation but you did not cheat on her. What is the difference? She screws this men multiple times for 3 months according to her and then has lots of sex with you in the Summer which means she put your health at great risk for STD's.

 

You must tell the OM's wife. If you do not then you are sending a message to the OM that there are no consequences to him screwing your wife and that there are no consequences for him to stop trying when you are not around.

 

You have been married for such a short time and she is screwing another man multiple times behind your back for months. I think you married the wrong person. If she does not get constant attention then she feels justified in screwing another man multiple times. What is wrong with this picture?

 

I suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. Do you really want to have children with this woman? Good luck.

[HurtfutureDO]

Then call the principal and out him.

 

She did not tell you over the summer.

 

Perhaps her co-workers now know and that is why she quit.

 

Perhaps her lover was holding the secret over her and so she quit.

 

 

No no, she came to me this past weekend and told me of the whole thing. I told her that for us to continue that she would have to quit her job and move to my city which also means coming here without a job (no income) and paying out an apartment lease. And that's what she's doing. She had to go back to do all of that, but she quit her job the day she got back and just gave her apartment notice. Like I said, I feel like she told me this because she wants to commit to me.

 

Couple other things, it's not that we didn't have a decent sex life (when we were together), it just always seemed that I was the one that initiated it. So that's why I would never suspect it from her.

 

Her need for attention was severely hurt by the distance, I mean, it hurt me too. So it's hard to say the thing about cheating on me within 3 years of marriage because we literally spent the last year apart, talking on the phone every night and seeing each other on school breaks. So we both got an attitude of "what's best for me" and not "what's best for us".

 

Like I said, she came to me about it, she says that she's committed to doing whatever it takes for us to work even if it means blowing a lot of money to get out of a lease and giving up the financial security of a job to move to be with me. We're gonna attempt marriage counseling once she gets here.

 

My problem at this point is just being able to move on. The smallest of things bring it back up in my mind. It's only been a few days since she told me, so I know its gonna take time for this to heal. I just need encouragement. I'm obviously not the first person that this has happened to...

[yessy21]

Now I have the mental image of your wife getting banged by a black guy .... story of my life. -_-

[yessy21]

Honestly OP.

 

I think you should dump her.

 

If you become focused on your kids and career later on... what makes you think she wont do it again?

 

Yea she told you... So what?

 

Its wasn't right in either sense. Have some respect for yourself and your future.

 

Im pretty sure you can find a much more loving and suitable partner for yourself that wants to make you Life happen with you instead on focusing on their NEEDS alone.

 

How did she have time to BANG a black guy if shes also working hard on her career.

 

Sounds like you are working hard and shes WOrking it harder.

[aliveagain]

Here is what I see as encouraging, she is doing everything you have asked of her, she told you about her affair without it being discovered. She needs to get herself into counseling to find her root cause for the cheating, marriage counseling may not be effective until she deals with that first. You need independent counseling to help you deal with her infidelity and her choice of partners, than you should deal with the choices you made regarding the marriage, like why would you both choose a career over your relationship? Don't be so hard on yourself you just found out, forgive nothing until you mean it. Decide on a timeframe and make no decisions until than. Make her do the work of winning you back, your the prize. Remember one thing, they almost always affair down, they look for affair partners that have more problems than themselves in a twisted way of making themselves feel better. Please tell the other mans wife, she deserves to know the truth, this may not be his first infidelity.

[atreides]

It is very early in your marriage and no kids, or home you both own. You are young, and about to become a doctor or medical professional? I think you need to ask yourself the reasons you should stay married here. Also did I read the sex is not as good or frequent as you would like anyway?

 

^^ Great advise

 

There were so many other options like moving to where you are which you are now doing, why is it an option now but not then? Why did she want his attention when she should have been fighting for your attention?

 

^^ Great points and advise

 

What makes you think the next woman he finds won't fall into the same trap? Maybe it's better to reform the one he has.

 

^^ The math... If they had children, more assets and such it would weigh more on trying to reform, but they don't.

 

 

She says she told me that it wasn't about the sex and she acted purely on emotion, that he gave her the attention that she felt I wasn't giving her, and that it happened multiple times because she was afraid that she would lose that attention from the OM if she didn't have sex with him. I'm trying to forgive her. She quit her job and is in the process of moving here with me.

 

^^ This is what i call Bull S*** double speak. Look there are few people on these boards that actually do the right thing and just say.. . look i F'd up and come clean with out all the covering double speak, and ask how do i fix it. I am cold and blunt about this, but valid excuses are few and far between and in my opinion at this stage in your marriage is not worth the drama and repair, but in the end it is on you. You have a great career ahead, don't waste it being worried if she will cheat again or have to deal with the ups and owns and triggers. Not worth it in my opinion.

[stillafool]

What difference does it make if the guy is black, white, brown or yellow? The point is she screwed another guy because she is needy and in need of constant attention which no man can fulfull. Would it be better if it were some 6'3, 220lb white guy banging the mess out of her?