My wife just told me she cheated....

[stillafool]

Of course your wife is going to do everything possible to get back with you. She doesn't want to give up her future of being a Dr.'s wife and all that comes with that. When you are working long hours as a doctor and she is home with the kids not getting enough male attention what do you think she will do?

[yessy21]

Of course your wife is going to do everything possible to get back with you. She doesn't want to give up her future of being a Dr.'s wife and all that comes with that. When you are working long hours as a doctor and she is home with the kids not getting enough male attention what do you think she will do?

 

 

EXACTLY what I said.... except I said it in my own words.

 

Ive got more words to say now actually.

 

She ... is ... UNA SUCIA.

[Editbee]

This is what I'm thinking. What is it with women needing all of the ATTENTION lately and cheating to get it? I personally couldn't be with someone that needy that they would screw anything to get it.

I know right. Who needs a needy person as a lover? It's not going to be a sunny day every day and that's whole point of LTR or marriages. Seeking attention constantly is the mindset of a very immature person that probably is still the in ''playing the fields'' stage.

 

As a woman, I don't need a man complimenting every day telling me how pretty I am. That would actually annoy me. I do have other hobbies to spend my time on, not just a man's attention.

 

A needy person is a good reason to break off a relationship or end a marriage. I see the OP's wife is trying to justify her cheating by saying the typical female excuse ''Well you weren't there for me all the time and I need another man's sweet words''.

 

There are other ways to entertain yourself besides running off into another man's arms.

[Steadfast]

I would take the words and emotions out of it and ask myself what kind of life and marriage I really wanted. Take the thought process five...ten-years down the road. Is this a woman you can trust with your heart? Really?

 

You are fortunate to learn of her true character without involving children.

 

Don't fixate on the OM. He's just a pawn in the game. There will always be men who pursue women; married or otherwise. It's all up to the wife and yours puts her needs and wants before anything else. This is not loving.

 

She might love you in some measure, but she loves herself more.

 

Tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know but don't be surprised by her reaction. As for widespread exposure? Your call, but revenge is a dead end.

[Chi townD]

You seriously need to think about all of this. She told you that she only did it for the attention. Yet, was comfortable enough to have a lot of sexual encounter's with this guy because she was afraid to lose that attention. Yet, after she calls it quits, he was hounding her to continue. I have a feeling that their relationship was going strong and he was in fear of losing her. Doesn't sound like a guy that could "take it or leave it".

 

You plan on going to Medical school. Are you aware of what's involved with that? First two years of intense didactic coursework with hours and hours of studying. Then, clinical rotations which leaves you LIVING at the hospital and any off time you get, you just want to sleep. Then, when you graduate, unless you just want to be a GP, you're going to enter into a internship for several years depending on what you want to specialize in. You're looking at a MINIMUM of an 8 year commitment.

 

Now, what happens when you can't provide her the "attention" she wants while you're going through all of this?

[HurtfutureDO]

You plan on going to Medical school. Are you aware of what's involved with that? First two years of intense didactic coursework with hours and hours of studying. Then, clinical rotations which leaves you LIVING at the hospital and any off time you get, you just want to sleep. Then, when you graduate, unless you just want to be a GP, you're going to enter into a internship for several years depending on what you want to specialize in. You're looking at a MINIMUM of an 8 year commitment.

 

Now, what happens when you can't provide her the "attention" she wants while you're going through all of this?

 

I'm in my second year now. Our struggles and lack of attention was last year during my first year of med school. So I know exactly what you mean and my need to study and focus on school along with the fact that she was 5 hours away is what has caused all of this.

[HurtfutureDO]

What difference does it make if the guy is black, white, brown or yellow? The point is she screwed another guy because she is needy and in need of constant attention which no man can fulfull. Would it be better if it were some 6'3, 220lb white guy banging the mess out of her?

 

It's not that I would think it would be better, you just have to understand that I was raised in the south. For me and my subconscious racism (I don't consider myself to be a racist person, but inside we all have stereotypes and racism) kicks in and so it's just like, ok, it's a slap in the face that you cheated, but on top of that, it was with a black man.

 

I apologize if that offends anyone, just speaking my feelings.

 

I can't help but laugh tho, that she went black and came back...not that it's funny at all for me in reality. I'd much rather her have not done it all.

[Chi townD]

I'm in my second year now. Our struggles and lack of attention was last year during my first year of med school. So I know exactly what you mean and my need to study and focus on school along with the fact that she was 5 hours away is what has caused all of this.

 

No, you going to Medical School wasn't the cause of all of this. It was her choices that is the cause of all of this. She is a married woman with the power to say NO to another dudes advances. She didn't.

[stillafool]

I'm in my second year now. Our struggles and lack of attention was last year during my first year of med school. So I know exactly what you mean and my need to study and focus on school along with the fact that she was 5 hours away is what has caused all of this.

 

Don't you dare take the blame for this. What you can't even be away from her to study for a career that is going to advance you both without having to worry about her lack of attention leading her to cheat? Do you really need this type of woman in your life? You need a strong woman who can think with what's between her ears not what's between her legs. As a matter of fact I wouldn't be surprised that the other mans wife has already found out about the cheating and your wife wanted to tell you before OMs wife got to you. Women have keen intuition especially when it comes to a cheating mate. I'll bet you OMs wife already knows.

[Steadfast]

I can't help but laugh tho, that she went black and came back...not that it's funny at all for me in reality. I'd much rather her have not done it all.

 

Again, your problem isn't him, it's her. Making it worse is your fixation of it, instead of focusing on the fact that you're married to a broken woman.

 

...along with the fact that she was 5 hours away is what has caused all of this.

 

No, you going to Medical School wasn't the cause of all of this. It was her choices that is the cause of all of this. She is a married woman with the power to say NO to another dudes advances. She didn't.

 

I hope you allow these words of wisdom to sink in. I suspect you can't see the forest for the (black) trees. Take good advice: divorce and move on.

[stillafool]

It's not that I would think it would be better, you just have to understand that I was raised in the south. For me and my subconscious racism (I don't consider myself to be a racist person, but inside we all have stereotypes and racism) kicks in and so it's just like, ok, it's a slap in the face that you cheated, but on top of that, it was with a black man.

 

I apologize if that offends anyone, just speaking my feelings.

 

I can't help but laugh tho, that she went black and came back...not that it's funny at all for me in reality. I'd much rather her have not done it all.

 

I understand I was raised in the south as well. She went black and came back because her marriage to a doctor was a stake. After her orgasm she realized where her future was. Besides this man is married and probably was not going to leave his wife and life anyway.

[harrybrown]

So what are you doing to prevent this from happening again the next time she is lonely and some man gives her compliments? Would she sign an agreement that if she cheats again, she gets nothing in the divorce? Have you told her to tell her parents about what she did? What are the consequences of cheating and making this other man her first man and you her backup plan?

 

She spent money, energy, time to cheat on you and deceive you. So what fantastic things has she done to show you that you are her priority?

[ChooseTruth]

Looking at the OP more closely today and his later responses... This is simply a "mind movies" and triggers question.

 

Here's a thread from a while back on this topic:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/321532-how-stop-mind-movies

 

This particular post probably says it all:

Sorry to tell you, the movies don't stop. They diminish, but don't stop (at least for me, 4 years and counting).

 

You're situation looks bleak. 5 years! That reality won't really sink in right away. You're still in the shock/denial stage.

 

 

HEre's a thread on triggers, though it's more from the WSs perspective. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/423618-how-triggers

 

I think you just have to let yourself be a little crazy for a while and be ok with that. It's a rollercoaster, it really is. Not easy. Day by day. Things will improve eventually, one way or the other, as you figure out what you need.

[drifter777]

It's not that I would think it would be better, you just have to understand that I was raised in the south. For me and my subconscious racism (I don't consider myself to be a racist person, but inside we all have stereotypes and racism) kicks in and so it's just like, ok, it's a slap in the face that you cheated, but on top of that, it was with a black man.

 

I apologize if that offends anyone, just speaking my feelings.

 

I can't help but laugh tho, that she went black and came back...not that it's funny at all for me in reality. I'd much rather her have not done it all.

 

Look; the way you feel is the way you feel and I respect your honesty. It would have made a big difference to me if my wife would have cheated with a black guy and that's just the way it is.

 

With all of the elements of your wife's betrayal, I don't think you are ever going to be able to accept what she did and successfully reconcile. I would start divorce proceedings immediately and follow your lawyers advice regarding whether to leave or not and that kind of thing. The initial consultation is usually free or very cheap so make the call now.

[happysong]

So I've read through a few of these and some of you have given some good words of encouragement so I wanted to share my story.

 

My wife and I married 3 years ago, she was finishing undergrad and I grad school and in the process of applying to medical school. We had been together for 3 years before marriage and thought we were ready (I kind of second guess that now). Anyway, sometime in our second year of marriage when I was under a lot of stress trying to get into medical school, we both began to focus on ourselves and less about our marriage. Long story short, we started telling ourselves that we had to do what was best for our careers, even if that meant "temporarily" living in different cities while married.

 

So, thats what we did. Last year, I was in med school and she taught in a different state 5 hours away. There had been times in our relationship in the past where my wife would feel "neglected" by me and start getting attention from other guys that made her feel good, but she would always tell me about it and distance herself from those situations. So I trusted my wife, would have never thought in a million years that she would have sex with another man. But, she recently told me that a co-worker at her school started giving her attention and we struggled because we lived so far apart.

 

Two things that hurt me the most from this:

1. Since marriage, my wife has never been a very "sexual" person (hence me not understanding how she could do this to me). But since I had the summer off from school, I lived with her over the summer. She says that the affair only occurred for a couple months from Jan-March (in which it happened multiple times). I thought we had a great summer together. Went on vacation, had sex multiple times, never expected anything. Again, she says that she cut ties back in March, but they were co-workers, so he was constantly around trying to get things going again. But he apparently didn't pursue her much over the summer since I was around, but he started back up again once school started and I was gone.

 

2. For some reason, I had a funny feeling about a guy that she worked with because I noticed that he constantly "liked" a lot of her pictures on instagram, particularly the ones that had to do with school, but none that had anything to do with me. But again, I never suspected anything for 2 reasons; she told me that he was married and had a son and he's black (my wife and I are white). I don't claim to be racist, but I was raised in the south...

 

She says she told me that it wasn't about the sex and she acted purely on emotion, that he gave her the attention that she felt I wasn't giving her, and that it happened multiple times because she was afraid that she would lose that attention from the OM if she didn't have sex with him. I'm trying to forgive her. She quit her job and is in the process of moving here with me. I'm trying, but the thought of a black man banging my wife just makes me sick (and again, I'm not trying to be hateful or racist, just honest here)

 

Sorry I typed up a book...any advice??

Well some weird guys are turn on after they know their wife was banged by big black guy. Others are completely turned off because they can't get rid of thinking of what is in your wife's mind while you banging her. Now that your slutty wife tasted what she is not suppose to taste during your marriage. She may find you not satisfying anymore and will cheat you again to this big black guys.

 

Just divorce her and start a new fresh life. You are young and deserve a better woman. Don't put your life in her mercy and be in a miserable life for many years to come because you may forgave her now but you will never never forget what she did.

 

Search here about how many men gave their wives a second chance and live in a miserable life for many years and at the end they just divorced anyway. Staggering 95% failure rates!?

Edited September 20, 2013 by happysong

[Try]

I understand I was raised in the south as well. She went black and came back because her marriage to a doctor was a stake. After her orgasm she realized where her future was. Besides this man is married and probably was not going to leave his wife and life anyway.

You have no children, have not been married long, and do not really have a life together since you do not live together. The only reason that your wife is coming back to you is because she wants a piece of your future earnings, and because the other man was not going to leave his wife for your wife. The next time she cheats on you, she may have children and will have been married to you long enough to get long term alimony.

[whatatangledweb]

No no, she came to me this past weekend and told me of the whole thing. I told her that for us to continue that she would have to quit her job and move to my city which also means coming here without a job (no income) and paying out an apartment lease. And that's what she's doing. She had to go back to do all of that, but she quit her job the day she got back and just gave her apartment notice. Like I said, I feel like she told me this because she wants to commit to me.

 

Couple other things, it's not that we didn't have a decent sex life (when we were together), it just always seemed that I was the one that initiated it. So that's why I would never suspect it from her.

 

Her need for attention was severely hurt by the distance, I mean, it hurt me too. So it's hard to say the thing about cheating on me within 3 years of marriage because we literally spent the last year apart, talking on the phone every night and seeing each other on school breaks. So we both got an attitude of "what's best for me" and not "what's best for us".

 

Like I said, she came to me about it, she says that she's committed to doing whatever it takes for us to work even if it means blowing a lot of money to get out of a lease and giving up the financial security of a job to move to be with me. We're gonna attempt marriage counseling once she gets here.

 

My problem at this point is just being able to move on. The smallest of things bring it back up in my mind. It's only been a few days since she told me, so I know its gonna take time for this to heal. I just need encouragement. I'm obviously not the first person that this has happened to...

 

I can see you want encouragement while most are telling you to divorce. You have to decide what you want. The first six months are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. Sadness, anger, pain, mind movies. You can also have good days during this time period. Take awhile to decide what you want. You do not have to do it right away.

 

This is not your fault. She is completely at fault. Do not take that blame on your shoulders. You were going to school to make a better life for the two of you. She should have told you if she had a problem.

 

She may never cheat again. She needs to take a hard look at how she allowed herself to cheat not just why she did it. Wanting attention is an excuse and she may really believe it. Yet it does not explain how she allowed herself to cross all those boundaries to have an affair. She has to know how so she does not do it later in life .

 

MC may help both of you work through the minefield of recovering from her affair.

[happysong]

• If I were you, I will really divorce her then concentrate on my study. If you both are really meant to each other, you can remarry her again anyway.
  

[BeholdtheMan]

I told her that for us to continue that she would have to quit her job and move to my city which also means coming here without a job (no income) and paying out an apartment lease. And that's what she's doing. She had to go back to do all of that, but she quit her job the day she got back and just gave her apartment notice. Like I said, I feel like she told me this because she wants to commit to me

 

1) The OM's race should be totally irrelevant. Fixating on it will not benefit you in any way

 

2) Judging by what you've said, I'm 90% certain that your wife is settling for you. She's not sexually/physically attracted to you on an intense level. You're the nice guy/provider/financial support...and depending on how you handle the current situation, you might even be a doormat in her eyes. Up to now, your responses have been pretty weak.

 

3) You can't really believe anything she's saying right now. She's likely blame-shifting and concealing even more damning information

 

4) The marriage is young, you're young, you have no kids with your cheating wife. There really is no reason to stay around. I highly recommend that you muster the courage to divorce. I'm sure you'll be able to find a woman who actually deserves your affection.

[Zenstudent]

You could pretend she cheated with a white guy if that makes you feel any better.

 

My wife cheated with a prototype of the arian race, I can tell you it sucks anyway. But each to his own beliefs.

 

Listen, your wife will feel lonely from time to time, she'll get bored, there may be marital issues, small or large - and she seems to have cheating in her bag of coping tools, and that's even before you have the pressure from raising kids on top of all.

 

As for the mind movies, they will probably never go away, they'll fade and they will appear less often - but you'll probably never get rid of them, especially not if you stay with the trigger of them.

 

I would think hard and consider your options carefully if I were you. Good luck to you.

[Jonah]

I think just for life's enjoyment purposes alone, you should start yourself a new life. It is a wonderful world out there... leave the past behind and enjoy it! No need to take a bad of stale old bad memories with you... Go make some brand new shiny new ones! Some pretty nice new gal is awaiting out there and it is fun starting anew and afresh! You have better means now... you should be up for an upgrade hey? Do it man! Set yourself free! Love thyself. Be kind do your past mate as you move on.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Hurt, I have read your story and would like to ask you something. The question is why did you choose to marry while still studying especially when you planned on doing such a challenging course of studies as medical science. I guess you knew that the time and effort that you needed to put in to do well in your studies would mean that you would have to ignore your wife at a personal level for most of the time. Similarly she too, was busy with her own course of studies and she too, would have to ignore you in the pursuit of excellence in her studies. Then too, both of you deciding that your personal advancement would require that the two of you move to different locations and maintain a long distance relationship, raises red flags. Practically speaking the two of you had decided to lead a 'Singles' life and were quite reconciled to that. If that is how things were then I think the 'Singles' attitude seemed to have percolated down to a part of your wife's brain where she felt that she was actually single and could behave and act like a single person. In such a context her infidelity is really a technicality, because of the fact that she was legally married to you. If she had not been married to you it would have amounted to a 'Sowing her wild oats' phenomenon.

 

You have to decide what your boundaries are with respect to your wife's actions. Can you accept what she did with equanimity and move ahead from there or are you going to torture yourself for life wondering about her having sex with a black man and what she felt like and what was it like for her and so on and so forth? Take time to sort out your thoughts and feelings and do not hurry into any action at this point of time. You can make it clear to your wife that you still have an open mind about your choices and courses of action and that you are not going to commit to any thing with her at this time. Only when you are clear in your own mind about your deepest feelings and how you intend to reconcile the various painful aspects of your wife's cheating, that you should decide on your course of action and then take proactive steps to implement it. Once you have decided there should be NO regrets and NO looking back. I hope this makes some sense. Cheers!

[Realist3]

I don't claim to be racist, but I was raised in the south...

 

Of course you won't claim to be racist. You will never get over this. Move on.

[aliveagain]

The only issue with race for me would be having to explain an interracial baby, the potential was there. They always lie about the number of times they did it and that they always used protection. If it happened to me it could happen to you. Your issue is "can you feel safe again if you stay married to your wife"? Please expose O/M his betrayed wife deserves the truth.

[stillafool]

I would pretty much bet anything that the OMs wife already knows and the only reason OPs wife confessed is because she fears OMs wife will tell OP first.