My wife just told me she cheated....

[Zenstudent]

Cool. And if because of telling someone you dont know from a hole in the ground that violence ensues and someone gets seriously hospitalised, what then?

 

It's not his fault for telling?

 

If you don't know the couple, you do not HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING.

 

If you want to get even, then do it, but don't try deceiving yourself that you are doing it for her sake.

No, it's not his fault - it's on the violent person. And if you don't want to face consequences for cheating, don't cheat - it's that simple.

 

And no, you don't have to tell anyone, it's just a decent thing to do - if you have doubts, ask her if she would want to know. Further, it's self preserving because you'll have an ally to help maintain NC AND you'll make sure that OM has more than enough on his plate and less likely to pursue OP's wife.

[James-London]

hey there,

 

I just read through this thread. First of all, do not talk to the OM. What would that achieve? He owes you absolutely nothing. There is no reason for him to want to talk to you, quite the opposite. I see no upside and a significant downside of talking to him.

 

Now, talking to OM's W... You could do that. If she doesn't know about his cheating be prepared for an aggressive reaction aimed at you. I agree that brining evidence is a good thing to do - your WW's telephone records, text messages etc.? But what is the actual benefit to you for doing this? Sorry, if this sounds selfish. Are you doing it for revenge? Distributing some form of vigilante justice? What if the OM turns out to be a nutcase and starts stalking you after you end his marriage etc. I'm not saying don't tell the wife, just be clear what your reasons are, and think through the repercussions.

 

About mind movies. I found out 6 weeks ago my ex-GF of 1 year was cheating. Images of them together totally messed me up. However, this does get less painful. It hurts because you associate your emotions of betrayal, anger and humiliation with these images. In the last 2 weeks I realised that my ex never really loved me and I never lost anything because I never really had her. Now these images have the same significance as a porn movie you can find with 3 clicks from a google search. So if you leave her, these mind movies will lose their potency once you stop caring about her. If you stay with her, you will have to create some rationalisation about how your W was in a different category prior to the affair compared to now... the onus is on her to explain why it happened and why it could never happened again.

 

My situation was similar to yours in that my ex told me she was lonely/not getting enough attention. Maybe this was part of the mix but the part my ex didn't admit to was that she was crazy about the OM... He REALLY turned her on.... Vellocet hit the nail on the head and I'm surprised none of the other posters picked up on this sooner. Why do you believe what your W says at face value that is was just about getting attention?

 

The bit about the black guy made me smile initially as I'm from London which is a very mixed and inter-racial society. However, what does a black guy mean to your WW? Does she share your deep South perspectives on race? Perhaps it is the forbidden fruit? Perhaps he was everything that was opposite to you and therefore irresistible and exciting? The idea that she had to have sex with him just to keep his attention is nonsense. OK, she was lonely. But the truth is - he turned her on and she enjoyed it. Sorry to be so direct dude, but I am speaking from my own experience here.

 

And yes, you are being a doormat. Please don't be. I was a doormat and I regret it. If you do stay with her make sure it is because you are not afraid of being alone/getting someone else who is as good. A healthy relationship is one where two people want to be together not where they need to be together. That was another mistake I made with my ex - we were both scared of being alone. I also echo what everyone else says about making her work for your love, make sure you are the prize etc. If you really want her back, you need to be selfish first and decide what you want for yourself, and then the onus is on her to meet that mark, if she wants to.

 

Final point - it is good that she confessed, and it is good that she is quitting her job, coming to you etc. These are actions that demonstrate remorse and can help you to forgive. But this does not necessarily mean you can trust her again. For trust, you will need to know exactly what she did (eg. did she do anything with him that she didn't do wit you?), and why she did it. Ensure every question is answered. Then you need to know why you should believe it would not happen again. For example, if she gets therapy, what has she learnt about herself that makes her a fundamentally different person etc.?.... Finally, if I had a GF I was suspicious of, I would be monitoring her emails, texts and phone records. I would make sure she had her own space with people to socialise with etc. And I would NOT TELL HER that I was monitoring her.... I would not do it forever, but I would do it for good 4 or 6 months. I have found plenty of ways of reading deleted text messages and getting passwords by reading online forums. What you do is up to you....

 

When you come out of this (and you will), you will be much clearer about what you want, need and deserve from a woman, and probably from all your relationships too. You will become more assertive and less tolerant of people treating you badly. You will also be able to spot the warning signs of cheating earlier on... My personal experience has been really awful, but its also been very character forming.

[James-London]

ps. just to be clear - I don't advocate snooping on people without their knowledge or recommend you do it. You have to make your own decisions if you want to stay with this person and how you could possibly trust her again. In my case, the trust has been irretrievably broken, and I am in the process of moving on now.

[aliveagain]

Snoop, trust but verify, have her agree to a postnuptial.