Lady friend challenge

[Ladydrib]

I think I'm going to continue the friendship. She seems to be watching herself, which is a good thing.

 

I'm not going to chuck a friendship out the window. I have nothing to worry about as we are both pretty conservative and it does take two to tango right?

 

I thought the same thing.

 

But when you weaken your boundaries by exposing yourself to temptation you put your marriage at risk.

[ComingInHot]

good fellow, if you're Sooo good, why are you so grateful to your OW that she seems to be "less friendly" w/you?

Why are you SO concerned about "losing" the Possibility of a great friendship?

Why are you coordinating to have Your Wife & children hang out and get to "know" this OW?

Why would you want to hang out w/Your Wife AND OW without telling Your Wife you are Attracted to OW?

 

I am questioning your avatar name at this point.

Aren't You?!

[Good.Fellow]

If its that important to you then you are in an emotional affair. If the friendship is less important to you then you would end it. You are USING your wife and children to get/be close to this woman! I can't believe you're talking about boundaries. Do you not think you have already crossed them. I promise you your wife would. If you weren't withholding important information from her.

 

And for the record, crushes like this don't turn to just a friendship. They fester, much the way unrequited love does. Do yourself a favor and look up limerence. You'll see yourself.

 

It's rare that you see everyone agree on touchy subjects like these but everyone is telling you the same thing. You're placing your marriage at risk. You are far enough gone already that you don't care. Your "friendship" with your wife will never be the same, even if you're not caught! People are telling you this because they KNOW. They've been on some side of this triangle. This progresses in the same manner, over and over.

 

You don't want to hear it because you're too far gone, you're already justifying your actions. A "simple" crush can ruin your life.

 

The first order of business is to tell your wife about your emotional attraction to your coworker. If you value your marriage.

 

How do you work "limerence" out of your system. I do recognize the symptoms in myself. Actually down to the t.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Good.Fellow

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The same way you work crack out of your system. Cold turkey. You do realize that what you're dealing with affects the brains pleasure centers just like drugs. Exactly, in fact. Have you ever heard of how reformed meth users can never achieve just everyday contentment or happiness. Basically. They raised the bar in their brains chemistry. Limerence can be similar. Not to that extent, but equally as damaging to your personal relationship with your wife.

 

Put down the crack rock and step away from the pipe!

[KentuckyGent]

Thanks for taking the time to give advice. Interestingly, I don't really feel lust for her at all, but I feel strong emotions for her, its actually easier feeling lust for another woman than "so called love". I cannot turn love off but I can turn lust off.

 

She appears to be avoiding me lately also. It hurts. I'm probably gonna fire off a cancel email soon.

 

 

You're canceling a get together, not a nuclear summit meeting. This isn't difficult.

[KentuckyGent]

Me? Well what I mean is what if she just likes me as a friend. If I push her away I would be losing out on a very good friend. I could be just going through a phase.

 

Be honest, you're not just looking for a "very good friend". Find a buddy, get a dog and quit trying to make this sound innocuous. I think it's sick to not only arrange a get together but to make your wife a player in it.

[KentuckyGent]

Yes but we all have friends who are of the opposite sex. Imagine if we cut ties because of a silly fleeting crush?

 

If you have boundaries and you move through the crush into a normal friendship - then its cool. This friend of mine has placed the walls up strong and I am grateful for that.

 

 

Look you seem to be wanting blessings here but I see right through it. You're keeping your options open and have no interest in "just friendship". You want to keep those lines open and then lo and behold, perhaps you're working late together one evening and something "just happens". I can see though you and it isn't really all that difficult.

[Ladydrib]

How do you work "limerence" out of your system. I do recognize the symptoms in myself. Actually down to the t.

 

If you can't stop now - you're most likely already in serious trouble.

[Keats]

I didn't mean it that way.

 

Only that she has detached herself from you somewhat, which means she knows she needs to stay clear from you.

 

As you mentioned that she was avoiding you somehow.

 

Because she knows. And you know too.

 

I think the bolded part is a little unfair, I am not that way at all.

[Copelandsanity]

The first thing I thought when you I read that you arranged a get-together between both your families was: "that's really f*cked up."

[whichwayisup]

Is it not too rude to cancel a get together? There is one scheduled in the next week.

 

So what? Who's more important? Your wife or her? Would you rather hurt your wife's feelings or this lady co worker?

 

You're married, not leaving as you said in your opening post, so pursuing a 'friendship' with someone that you are starting to have feelings for IS a no no and only will cause trouble as time goes on. You know this but your feelings are preventing you from backing off of her. She's not stupid, she knows this flirty dance and where it's leading to. And you know this too, which is why you're feeling guilty. You know it's wrong yet a big part of you wants to 'go' there just because.....

 

By spending time as 'families' this gives you the green light from your wife and her husband to talk and spend time together, right under their noses. All the meanwhile you're bonding with her, allowing yourself to get closer and closer, at work too.. People aren't stupid, (work folks DO look for stuff like this so they can gossip, do you both want to be the office romance and have ruined reputations and ruin your marriages, hurt your kids? my guess is no) and your spouses aren't either.

 

Tell this woman that it just doesn't feel right to be spending so much time together and that your first priority is your wife. Other than that you do not owe her a big explanation as to why the friendship cant' go on...She's married and she knows why as well. Same reason as yours, HER spouse should be her focus, not you.

[whichwayisup]

How do you work "limerence" out of your system. I do recognize the symptoms in myself. Actually down to the t.

 

You continue being honest to yourself and end this friendship as it's only going to mess you up emotionally and eventually ruin your relationship and what you feel towards your wife. My guess is, as great as your marriage may be, already you've emotionally detached from your wife on some level and are allowing lustful and fantasy thoughts to creep into your mind way too much, replacing your wife with the lady co worker. Do you see the damage that's being caused already if I am correct?

 

The only woman you should be feeling 'it' for is your wife. It's one thing to have a cute little crush and enjoy it for what it is, a fun ego boost and it's platonic, it's another to chase that crush and make something more of it. If you both were single, I'd say go for it but neither of you are single to pursue it, so don't go there.

 

You need to make yourself stop thinking and fantasizing about her. Replace those thoughts with your wife or other things. Distraction, keeping busy and remembering what you have to lose. Your kids! Imagine splitting up and having them live in two separate households..dealing with the fallout of having an A with someone.

 

Be honest and tell your wife that the friendship has to end because you and this woman were getting too close for comfort.

 

Start 'dating' your wife again. Get a sitter and go take her out for dinner, flirt and have fun. Remember what it was that brought you two together.

Edited September 22, 2013 by whichwayisup

[Good.Fellow]

I didn't mean it that way.

 

Only that she has detached herself from you somewhat, which means she knows she needs to stay clear from you.

 

As you mentioned that she was avoiding you somehow.

 

Because she knows. And you know too.

 

 

Thank you for all the advice. It was all very good, especially the limerence part. Infact from the beginning of this interaction I have been careful to not take any phone numbers or any chat handles. I only have her work email. So I would not be tempted to converse.

 

Now the other day she sends me a chat message about something quite innocuous. But now I have her private handle. Something I didn't want in the first place. It has now started a new interaction about a common interest! Perhaps I should continue to be polite and let it continue...

 

I was under the impression she was giving me the cold shoulder and now this. What to do?

[KentuckyGent]

You know "what to do".

[Good.Fellow]

You know "what to do".

 

Yeah I know, just be polite and keep it in the friend zone.

[jacksonvillae]

That is an awesome idea. It's a great way to show her that you pay attention to the things she likes. And it's a cute way to tell her you like her. Do it!!!

[Good.Fellow]

That is an awesome idea. It's a great way to show her that you pay attention to the things she likes. And it's a cute way to tell her you like her. Do it!!!

 

 

Don't be silly. I was under the impression that she thought I liked her and tried to put distance between us. It now appears that she simply sees me as a friend and therefore I read the whole situation incorrectly.

 

Its a good sign. Anyway, I am still going to keep my distance.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry, but the dance only increases desire. Two steps back one forward, I push, you pull, yeah, it's part of the fun, the allure. Let it die.

[Owl]

GF, you seem to have come here seeking advice that you have no desire to take.

 

Your mind was decided to continue with the "friendship" before the first word was typed.

 

Several posters who have been involved in infidelity in one fashion or another have taken the time to post advice to you...with nearly unanimous agreemant that you need to end it and walk away...which you promptly refuted and ignored.

 

Experience has shown us...most of us painfully so...that keeping onto that "friendship" will only worsen your confusion, the situation. The only true 'solution' here is to end the friendship, keep ALL interaction to a vast minimum of "business ONLY" at most, and refocus yourself onto your marriage.

 

Were you posting here hoping that everyone would simply agree and support the plan you already had in place?

 

We'll be here in a few months when you come back and tell us that this all progressed far beyond what you were expecting, and now your wife suspects and you don't know what to do.

 

But it'll probably be too late to help you then.

 

Good luck to you.

[Good.Fellow]

Well its been a while so I thought I would give an update on this challenge.

 

I did take the advice offered and have tried as far as possible to not have any interaction with this woman. Its not hard if you know their movement's, I managed to stay out of her way at all costs.. So I almost stopped thinking about her. I did not even look at her if i could help it. I was in a good space, made a lot of new friends at work.

 

But just last week I noticed she was looking at me a lot and then she comes past me the other day and said Hi..., something she has not done for months.. I feel very confused... why is she doing this? I have made such an effort to move on and forget her. Surely she knew I liked her and that is why she ignored me. But now she is trying to get my attention. I now am thinking about her a lot, thinking perhaps I should go and chat too her and share etcetera. I know I should not, but a part of me wants too so badly.

 

What should I do? I feel like I am back to square one. I know this sounds strange but I desperately do NOT want her to talk too me because it hurts me when she does. But if she insists on chatting what am I too do?

 

Please help.

Edited February 15, 2014 by Good.Fellow

[road]

I want to cancel, but that probably means the end of the friendship. A part of me is thinking perhaps it is just platonic or will go platonic. What if I am missing out on something in the future? Perhaps the lady just likes me as a cool friend?

 

 

 

Another reason why married people do not need opposite sex friends.

 

 

You do not want to lose her friendship.

 

 

Be honest.

 

 

You want her to lose her pants.

[Good.Fellow]

Another reason why married people do not need opposite sex friends.

 

 

You do not want to lose her friendship.

 

 

Be honest.

 

 

You want her to lose her pants.

 

Yes you are probably right. That is why I cut ties after she did. But this sudden initiating from her is just confusing. I just wish she would not greet me or try and get my attention. Unrequited love is harder to bear than lust. I don't think you understand what I am going through ...

 

We as men do have lustful thoughts, but with this lady I think of running through tulip fields, romatic dinners, intimate moments of sharing (as well as lustful).. its driving me crazy! I know that it will never happen, I know its horse manure. And when I don't see her or talk to her, those thoughts drift away, but when she just says a simple "Hello". Then those thoughts come roaring back!

Edited February 15, 2014 by Good.Fellow

[No Limit]

Me? Well what I mean is what if she just likes me as a friend.

 

Too late for that now since you've grown feelings for her. You ended it yourself this way, although I doubt friendship was your first intention by now.

[Snipercatt]

Oh, for Pete's sake, there's nothing confusing here. It is the same boring dance of seduction. A little two-step, throw in a thrust, or two, a shimmey and a shake, bump and grind, and round and round you go.

 

You are a grown a$$ man, take responsibility for your emotions and master the art of self-control.

[Got it]

Well its been a while so I thought I would give an update on this challenge.

 

I did take the advice offered and have tried as far as possible to not have any interaction with this woman. Its not hard if you know their movement's, I managed to stay out of her way at all costs.. So I almost stopped thinking about her. I did not even look at her if i could help it. I was in a good space, made a lot of new friends at work.

 

But just last week I noticed she was looking at me a lot and then she comes past me the other day and said Hi..., something she has not done for months.. I feel very confused... why is she doing this? I have made such an effort to move on and forget her. Surely she knew I liked her and that is why she ignored me. But now she is trying to get my attention. I now am thinking about her a lot, thinking perhaps I should go and chat too her and share etcetera. I know I should not, but a part of me wants too so badly.

 

What should I do? I feel like I am back to square one. I know this sounds strange but I desperately do NOT want her to talk too me because it hurts me when she does. But if she insists on chatting what am I too do?

 

Please help.

 

Stop being passive in your life. You know what you need to do, you just don't want to do it.

 

I think a good way on getting this out in the open, tell your wife about it. Tell her about the feelings. It will help you partner with her, it may take some of the appeal out of it, and you guys can come up with a plan. You will use it as a way to bond with your wife by taking this hidden desire and putting it out there. It will make you accountable which you haven't wanted to do. Start being proactive instead of reactive. Right now you are just sitting there waiting for the other lady to "flip" and you will be ready and willing. It isn't her job to control the boundaries of your marriage, it is your job. So start doing it.