He really IS the man I thought he was

[GreySkyMorning]

When xmm left the first time, back in '94, I spent years thinking he'd just used me for sex and moved on. I truly believed that I had meant nothing to him. He just got what he wanted and threw me aside when he was finished.

 

Then, when we found each other again a couple of years ago, he told me that he'd always loved me and that he'd left me before to protect his family. I even got the story about how he'd even had to give up his job to do it. I came around in my head to giving him credit for being this noble selfless man that loved me so much. He swore he'd never leave again.

 

So this time, at the beginning of the end, I was so angry at him, but part of me still held back some kind of hope that maybe he DID feel the way he'd been proclaiming for the previous two years. Maybe I WAS the love of his life, blah blah blah. But I realize now that I was probably right in my original assessment of him almost 20 yrs ago.

 

It's been two weeks today since there's been any contact at all. The last few days have been extremely difficult. I'm not sure why. I had gone for days without crying at all and being able to push the thought of him out of my mind. However, in the last few days, he's all I've thought about. I've been crying constantly again. Maybe its my mind coming around to the realization that its really over for good this time, that I am never in my life going to see or talk to this man again. As far as I know, he could be dead now. I wouldn't know the difference.

 

I thought I showed him how much i loved him. I tried. I gave him every part of me, heart, mind, body. I've never loved anyone else like that. I would have done anything for him, went anywhere for him, given him anything he wanted. He continues to show me every day though how little I was to him. My brother lives in the city in Colorado that got hit by the floods. There is still 500 people missing in his town. Xmm knows he lives there. Not one word from him asking if my brother is ok. Not one. Even though he'd claimed to want to meet him and whatever. Its the little slaps in the face like that. More than slaps. Punches in the gut really are what they are.

 

Some days, i just want to find it in me to hate him. And some days i wish I'd never heard his name even. And some days, I just wish he'd love me the way he claimed he did. Some days, I still miss him so much that I physically hurt from it.

[GreySkyMorning]

God I'm hurting so effing back today. I've been laying here awake since 2 crying. I just want to stop hurting. I cant take any more of this.

[tiernan]

I understand your pain and I am in a similar situation. My exmm came back to his family after two years ago he left his wife to be with me. And also I have been 2 weeks of NC now. I am i horrible pain and everything seems to be such a life - being love of his life, perfect woman for him etc. I think that you should be ok that he is not tromenting you any more. You willl be able to heal. I cannot heal as he is sending me e-mails or text with love declarations. I assure you it makes it worse. Because if he really loved me like he still he says he does he wouldn't have come back there. I realise that feelings can finish at some point and that is how life goes. We need to accept it. I don't know your whole story but I think he loved you the way he did. And you will be fine if you let yourself be healed. Don't regret it happened because you cannot change it now and it will only poison you to think like that. I really try to believe that things happen for a reason even though we don't seem to understand it now. Hugs for you.

[bentleychic]

(((grey))) some days I wish there was an on/off switch that we could just hit for things that we no longer want to feel. It sure would make life easier. Thinking of you...

[GreySkyMorning]

I just feel so ridiculously stupid for believing in his love. He had a birthday two weeks ago today. I tormented myself for the whole time leading up to it. I didnt know whether to acknowledge it or not. In the end, I sent him a message just saying happy birthday. He replied thank you. I couldn't let the day go by without saying that to him. I didn't want him to think I hated him or that he meant nothing me. Stupid, huh? And he can't even be bothered to say "is your brother alive?".

[Speakingofwhich]

Grey, I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are in my prayers. Is your brother OK?

[Bluebelle38]

(((grey))) some days I wish there was an on/off switch that we could just hit for things that we no longer want to feel. It sure would make life easier. Thinking of you...

 

There is a button. When you realise that a married man belongs to someone else and is probably not going to want you enough to leave.

 

I know that hurts like hell, but why waste your precious life in tears over someone that could be with you if they wanted?

 

if they can't (won't) leave a partner for you, dry your eyes, dust yourself off and look forward. If you want a happy relationship, look for someone single that can love you back in return without all the lies, secrecy and false promises.

[SoleMate]

(((((())))))

 

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope your brother's OK and I hope you will feel your own pain fading over time. Stay busy, don't stay home alone unless you're deep cleaning your attic or something.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Don't regret it happened because you cannot change it now and it will only poison you to think like that. I really try to believe that things happen for a reason even though we don't seem to understand it now. Hugs for you.

 

 

Regret is useful, it helps us to grow and change. Regret is not poison, staying stagnant is. Learn from your poor choices, fix what made you vulnerable to make them.

 

Everything happens for a reason? That little life gem is for the weak. Life doesn't just happen, its a series of choices, decisions and actions. At any point we can change our course, life is not preordained. We all have free will.

 

If that sentiment was true, then every victim of crime,abuse, neglect should just sit back and let it happen...because you know.....its happening for a reason. Lets not place the ownership where it actually lies.

 

Too often I read here people waiting for their life to be "happy" on someone else. It's your responsibility to ensure you live a life that you are happy with, not someone else. Looking to others to validate our lives is dangerous, and puts ourselves at great risk. We become weak, we become needy, we become lost. Find yourself. Love yourself. Act in a way that is loving towards you.

[LilGirlandOW]

Awwwe Grey, sending BIG hugs

 

I hope you're brother is well.

 

I hope you're well too xoxo

[waterwoman]

Hope you get good news about your brother soon x

[GreySkyMorning]

I'm so sorry, I guess I could have cleared up the info about my brother. My oldest brother did hear back from him Sunday and he was ok then. His house is more elevated than the rest of the city and he had no damage at that time. No word since, but I know its crazy there now.

 

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with my head, why I can't seem to move past all this. He's treated me like crap. Why do I even care what he does anymore?

[Acacia98]

I just feel so ridiculously stupid for believing in his love. He had a birthday two weeks ago today. I tormented myself for the whole time leading up to it. I didnt know whether to acknowledge it or not. In the end, I sent him a message just saying happy birthday. He replied thank you. I couldn't let the day go by without saying that to him. I didn't want him to think I hated him or that he meant nothing me. Stupid, huh? And he can't even be bothered to say "is your brother alive?".

It wasn't stupid of you to want to wish him a happy birthday. It's a normal impulse. But he's the wrong person for you on so many levels. I know this sounds cliche, but, with time, you will heal. The pain you're going through right now can be part of what helps you distance yourself from him and allow yourself to heal. Bookmark this page, and if you ever feel tempted to reestablish contact with him, come back to it and read it. The memory of this pain will remind you of just how much of an a*****e he is.

 

I cannot heal as he is sending me e-mails or text with love declarations. I assure you it makes it worse. Because if he really loved me like he still he says he does he wouldn't have come back there.

 

Why not block his number and email address? It's a simple way to ensure you get that space to heal. If you never see the messages you won't have to react to them. It gives you some control over a tricky situation.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Acacia98

[whichwayisup]

I'm so sorry, I guess I could have cleared up the info about my brother. My oldest brother did hear back from him Sunday and he was ok then. His house is more elevated than the rest of the city and he had no damage at that time. No word since, but I know its crazy there now.

 

I wish I could figure out what is wrong with my head, why I can't seem to move past all this. He's treated me like crap. Why do I even care what he does anymore?

 

Glad your bro is okay!

 

Your heart and emotions need to catch up to your gut and your head. You need to really let go, allow yourself to truly grieve this loss and go through all the stages of grief so you can heal and come out wiser and stronger. don't be afraid of the pain, of crying or feeling like crap. It WILL get better as time goes on.

 

Once you reach the real anger stage it'll help propel your heart into detachment mode. You'll just detach and not care. That is a process that it out of your hands and it just happens as it will. Nothing can force acceptance, except time and continual effort to not let yourself 'remember and fantasize'. And most of all -- DO NOT blame yourself! Do not beat up on "you". Be good to yourself.

 

It is what it is, he's f'ed in the head and has issues. He is just an ass.hole!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Again...time does nothing but pass. Time heals nothing. Its what we do in that time.

 

Once you start focusing on yourself, where you failed you, you can start to learn how to shore up that part of you that seeks validation from others. Whether or not mm is an azzhat...doesnt matter..not one bit.

 

What matters is you. Invest in you. Get into therapy, read books, get out, do new things....that you like. Get to know YOU.

 

Want to feel like a better person, go to a homeless shelter and volunteer, or at a school, or nursing home. See what it feels like to be of service. Make an effort to treat everyone you encounter with respect and care...believe me...it matters.

[randomwoman]

There is a button. When you realise that a married man belongs to someone else and is probably not going to want you enough to leave.

 

I know that hurts like hell, but why waste your precious life in tears over someone that could be with you if they wanted?

 

if they can't (won't) leave a partner for you, dry your eyes, dust yourself off and look forward. If you want a happy relationship, look for someone single that can love you back in return without all the lies, secrecy and false promises.

 

This is so true.

It's easy to get caught up in words but a certain event will happen that "shows" you exactly where you stand in his life and you should not ignore/try to justify this away. When you try to make excuses and look for him to justify how you are important to him after he has shown you otherwise..walk away. It's so sad but accepting this the first time it happens is a lot easier than trying to get out of the cycle.