Time for Divorce?

[Covert]

This is the first time I have looked to internet forums for help. But I need some advice before I make a decision that will drastically change my life, and may be something I end up regretting. I am wondering if it is time to finally call it quits and get a divorce. This is my story…if you don’t like reading, stop now, because this is going to be long.

 

I am 28 years old and my wife is 27, we have a 3 year old daughter.

 

I have been married for 4 years, which is also how long I’ve known my wife. We fell in love instantly, and were married shortly after we met. In retrospect, I see now that we probably rushed into it. The beginning of the relationship was fantastic; great sex life, respect for each other, no resentment, no arguments, spontaneity still existed. Over the years, everything slowly spiraled downhill. There were a couple red flags in the beginning of the relationship that I should of picked up on, but I was more naïve and inexperienced back then. I have only ever been with 2 women (including my wife), so I am not exactly a ladies man and don’t have a ton of relationship experience.

 

Over the past few years, I have completely flipped my life upside down. I got engaged, married, had a baby, graduated from college, started a career, bought a house, and became the sole financial provider for two other people in just 2 short years. Now that things are settling down and I am in the full swing of adulthood, I am starting to realize that my marriage may be doomed to inevitably fail.

 

Slowly but surely my freedom is slipping away and I feel like I am under house arrest most of the time. No matter what I do, I never spend enough time with her and the baby, according to my wife. We argue almost everyday, most of the time about stupid stuff, and I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. I feel like she is trying to control every aspect of my life, and manipulate me to get what she wants.

 

Family

 

I have 4 brothers, and I used to hang out with my family a lot before I met my wife. Now I hardly ever see them, my brothers are like strangers to me these days; and it’s not because we are all growing up and getting older and busier, that’s part of it, but it is mainly because my wife hates me hanging around my family. She dislikes most of the people in my family and only wants to see them once or twice a year for holidays, and that’s it. Anything more than that would be a waste of time and money in her eyes. She is too frugal for her own good sometimes because she will cite gas prices as a reason not to go somewhere like to see my family. But mainly her reasoning is “I should want to spend that time with her and the baby.” She seriously thinks that I should be spending every waking second of every day devoting all my time to her and our daughter, and there is NO TIME for anything else (except work), and all the while, I get to be the sole provider. She has even said she wishes I was an only child, so she didn’t have to share me with anyone. (my wife is an only child by the way) She gets annoyed and agitated with me when I talk to my brothers on the phone, because we always talk about “dorky guy stuff.” (HELLO we are guys!) She thinks that by talking about video games, and movies and other cool guy stuff, that somehow my brothers are a “bad influence” on me and they will get me to start playing video games more, which ultimately means less time I spend with her.

 

Entertainment/Hobbies

 

Which leads into the next eggshell; gaming. She hates computer games/video games, thinks they are a complete waste of time, and that I should be spending more time with her instead. Now I have thought long and hard about video games, and while ultimately all hours that are poured into a video game are essentially “wasted” because you gain nothing tangible, it is also something I enjoy doing for entertainment. To quote John Lennon “time that you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” It is something I have always liked to do to kick back and relax, and I don’t think I should have to change who I am just because my wife doesn’t approve of me playing games. When I get home from work, I like to play a game for like an hour just to unwind. She can’t stand this. I could understand if I was playing games constantly and neglecting all responsibilities, but I’m not. I play very casually…but it is something that I do that doesn’t involve her, and I think that is the real issue here. She has constantly said that if I stopped playing video games, it would make our relationship better and improve our sex life (more on that later). But I have tested this theory and proved that it didn’t work. At one point in our relationship, I started second guessing myself. Maybe she was right about the video games, maybe she had a point, maybe I just needed to grow up already. So I deleted my characters in the game, and uninstalled everything. I didn’t play anything for like a year. At the end of the year, things were still the same. Instead of playing video games throughout that year, I spent more time reading books (another hobby of mine), and she even started complaining about me reading too much. So apparently I just can’t win, and I can’t have any time for myself or my own hobbies, no matter what they are.

 

Frugal

 

My wife is so frugal with spending money, I feel like I have to ask permission before making purchases, even though I am the one who makes all the money. I also like to save money and be smart and frugal, but she has gotten to the point where she is down right cheap and stingy with money. Don’t be mistaken, I can go buy something whenever I want, but if I do, I will be made to feel guilty about it. My wife is very much a passive-aggressive person. I am not even talking about big purchases either, but only $10-20 bucks. She will make me feel stupid for buying it and say “we could of put that $10 towards something else.” Many times, we have blown friends off or made excuses why we can’t go to nieces and nephews birthday parties, because she doesn’t want to have to spend money on gas, or spend money on a gift. I will get grief even if I buy lunch at work (even though she hasn’t bothered to pack me a lunch in years.) And after-work get-togethers with co-workers for a happy hour is completely out of the question. I should be home straight away after work…anything less and I am a horrible father and husband.

 

Clingy

 

I feel like I can’t go anywhere without her tagging along, and she is incapable of going anywhere without me! She is a stay-at-home mom, so early on we agreed that she would be doing the grocery shopping and running the errands, while I work. However she usually waits for me to get home to do these things, because she wants me to go with her and help with our daughter. Now that’s no problem every now and then, but all the time gets tiring and old, when I just want to relax after I get home from work. If I try to go anywhere without her or spend money on anything that is not a gift for her, then its usually considered a waste of money and a waste of time that we could of spent together. I remember years back I drove to my brothers apartment and told my wife I would be 30 minutes. It ended up being more like an hour until I got home, but she completely flipped out at me for not coming home sooner.

Stay-At-Home Mom

 

My wife has always held onto the notion of wanting to be “taken care of.” This is one of the red flag warning signs I should of picked up on early in the relationship, but was very young and naïve. She has never wanted to work outside of the house, and has told me many times that all she has ever wanted to do was “be a mom.” She wants to be the mom that is available to take their kid to soccer practice or pick them up from school if they are sick. She wants to be the 1950s housewife and bake cookies and dinner every night, but she never wants to go back to work, even when our daughter grows up…Now, I have to admit, I have myself to blame for ever agreeing to this setup in the first place. In the beginning, traditional gender roles did sound kind of appealing, since I am more of a traditional type of guy and it was how I was raised. My mom was a housewife, and so was my wife’s mom. But over the years, I have begun to view marriage as more of a partnership, and each partner should be contributing equally. Being a stay-at-home mom is great while the kids are young, in fact I think it is the best choice, but once they grow up a little bit, she needs to find a job. I guess personal experience has taught me that housewives usually get into trouble when left alone without kids to raise. (both my mom, and my mother in law cheated on their husbands.) I have talked to my wife about finding a job once our daughter is in school, and she is reluctant to even talk about this subject. She already has an English degree, but doesn’t use it for anything. She just wants to be “taken care of” for the rest of her life.

 

Sex Life

 

Our sex life is not great, and as the years go by, its not getting any better. I am starting to believe that we are ‘sexually incompatible’. Our sex drives are just completely different. I have a really high sex drive, which I’m sure is common for most men, and my wife has a low sex drive. Early on, I thought her libido would pick up, or she may be more interested in trying new things as time went by, but it never happened. We never do anything that I would consider kinky or fun. We seriously do missionary style every time, with a condom. Now this is a HUGE topic for me, because I think sex is a very important and essential part of a relationship. So needless to say, I have tried almost everything to get her in the mood and spice things up. But she is sadly very much a prude when it comes to sex, and refuses to even try most things. I hope this isn’t TMI, but here goes.

 

- She can not do any other position besides missionary because she is in too much pain.

- She can not use birth control like the pill, causes anemic like bleeding. Refuses to get an IUD due to some of the extremely rare side effects. We are forced to use condoms all the time. (or I can get a vasectomy, which I really don’t want to do at this point in my life.)

- Porn is forbidden. She hates me watching it, and will not even watch it together. She gets pissed if I even mention porn.

- She is not a big fan of kissing, and hates being kissed anywhere on her body, because she doesn’t like the feeling of wetness on her skin? Yes I am serious.

- She doesn’t like when I touch her boobs.

- She can’t go down on me for more than like 2 minutes because she claims that her jaw hurts.

- Absolutely refuses to spit or swallow. (she doesn’t even like when I kiss her body, cum is definitely off limits anywhere near her mouth or on her body.)

- Anal off limits.

- Anything kinky like video taping it is off limits.

- When we do have sex, it is very robotic and mechanical, no passion. No fire, no primal lust…I think it is more like a chore for her these days.

- Lastly, we don’t even have our boring, missionary, condom, non-kinky sex that often. Once a week is our average. I could easily go for once a day.

 

If you have read this far, thanks. What would you do if you were in a similar marriage? I have already approached her about some type of couples therapy, but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. I think I have already decided what the best course of action is, but it’s hard taking that first step. Any advice would be very appreciated.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Covert

[Philosoraptor]

Holy crap, outside of the kids I could have written this myself a couple years back. Makes me more thankful that I didn't marry my nutter.

 

You got yourself a passive aggressive control freak and I'll give you the advice that I would have given myself a couple years back. Put your foot down and let her know you're going to do what you want, when you want to do it. If she doesn't like you being who you truly are, then she needs to find someone else to control.

 

Normally I would tell you to just walk away, but you've got finances and a child tied into this. Which is why I'm telling you to stop giving in and just do what you want to do and what you feel is acceptable. What do you have to lose? Once a week boring sex? She's not going to leave, she's too clingy and needy.

 

Go out with your friends and see your family. They're not worth losing due to her own insecurity and clingyness. Take your child out places and let her enjoy the world, and not feel trapped by her mothers insanity. Live your life for you. Play a game, treat yourself, spank the monkey... enjoy life. Her issues are not enough of a reason to spend your life miserable.

 

I'd gamble she doesn't have any close friends or family either, which is why she is so needy of you. You deserve a life of your own and she needs to get one for herself. I'd start here by just growing a backbone. Next I'd suggest marriage counseling if the backbone doesn't fix the issues. If she's still unwilling to compromise and drop those controlling traits, I'd work on getting a divorce in order. Until then, start logging these events so you can have a good case if it does go down that path.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

A marriage counselor, upon listening to this, would turn to your wife and ask 'now, what's your story?'

 

There's your story, her story and reality and clarifying reality is an important benefit of counseling.

 

Since you have a child and there is apparently no abuse or infidelity involved, I'd push for MC and go alone if spouse refused, but be sure to go to a MC since it's the marriage you wish to preserve/save/improve. If nothing else, you can learn tools to improve your spousal skills and to make a divorce, if that is the choice, more amicable. Good luck and my sympathies.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Philosoraptor has it to a T: a "passive aggressive control freak".

 

Nonetheless you owe it to her to try to work this out.

 

Do you guys ever talk? Doesn't sound like it. You need time to hear her grievances (boy does it sound like she has plenty) and for you to air yours. She will avoid (my wife was a champion avoider). Do not let her.

 

Changing the deal on a marriage - which is what you would like to do, even if I do agree with you on some of that, like the partnership & both working thing - cannot be done unilaterally, you have to negotiate it.

 

Good luck

[GuyInLimbo]

I can't read all that, but I want to say one thing: Get rid of the farking video games, dude. You're not a bachelor anymore. I've seen so many guys do this and all it does is create problems. Your life is different now, whether you like it or not. I realize people of all ages play games, but in every case I've seen, this isn't an hour a day or something. It becomes a lot more. I know one guy who is a DENTIST, who is a video game addict (he is) and will stay up all night playing. His practice is actual at risk because he comes in late all the time. No joke.

 

That's my two cents.

[Yasuandio]

I am going to hone in on the sexual dissatisfaction dimension. I was married to a Greek man for 28 years. And as for "Greek Style," never ever once did he ever attempt to pull that on me. I asked him why, early in our marriage. Because he bugged me to try this business during dating, and I refused. His answer to me was very interesting. He said, a Greek man respects his wife. So I never had to deal with this (what I find repulsive) anal BS again.

 

Now when you made your list of sex expectations or ideas, you included "anal sex." and you obviously received a big NO. OR, if she allowed you to try it, you may have hurt her, as her body is not designed for that. Some self-reflection on what you may have attempted sexually might be in order. Perhaps she did try, or you surprised her, whatever. The "wet-skin" thing sounds like a phobia she may have developed to avoid an unpleasant experience. Have you considered these any of these points?

 

I have nothing against kinky sex, I like to watch it myself to try to understand the anatomical possibilities with, I suppose, a great deal of practice and lubrication. But I am an artist, and a more than a bit on the wild side. If my former husband ever knew the type of porn stuff that was inspiring to me - he would have dropped dead. By inspiring, I mean also, aesthetically, anatomically, artistically - as I create some challenging artworks.

 

Your wife is the "June Cleaver" type, and that serve you well, in raising you child and making you a nice home. I like what a poster said about manning up, and letting her know YOU WILL be having guy's night out once a week. And family get to-gethers are now a requirement, as it take a community to raise a child (both families). I think you should also set a budget with her - and play a role. This isolation she is creating can turn into a mental problem.

 

MC isn't necessary. Just get all cave-man on her. She will love it. Stop whining and try. You don't have to be controlled if you don't allow. Start wearing the pants - tell her we are going to try it your way for awhile.

 

Yeah, she'll kick and scream and cry. When she wears herself out, and the child goes to bed, then blow her mind. Gently, try doggy, while you hold her in your arms, and speak to her during the whole time. "You are my beautiful wife," "You are my sexy girl". Have a bunch a talk-talk BS ready, even little foreplay stories, of hot you met, and what you saw about her that stuck you. Talk very slow and soft from behind her. I tell you it will work. Stay behind her. Touch her hair, neck, back. No missionary, refuse. You can touch the flower just once quickly to check you progress (make damn sure it's the right one flower). If doggie does happen be very gentle, and do it lying down the first time, and only think of her pleasure. In a few monthes she will be on he knees if you handle this right. I should write a book. Good luck. Yas

[Covert]

Holy crap, outside of the kids I could have written this myself a couple years back. Makes me more thankful that I didn't marry my nutter.

 

You got yourself a passive aggressive control freak and I'll give you the advice that I would have given myself a couple years back. Put your foot down and let her know you're going to do what you want, when you want to do it. If she doesn't like you being who you truly are, then she needs to find someone else to control.

 

Normally I would tell you to just walk away, but you've got finances and a child tied into this. Which is why I'm telling you to stop giving in and just do what you want to do and what you feel is acceptable. What do you have to lose? Once a week boring sex? She's not going to leave, she's too clingy and needy.

 

Go out with your friends and see your family. They're not worth losing due to her own insecurity and clingyness. Take your child out places and let her enjoy the world, and not feel trapped by her mothers insanity. Live your life for you. Play a game, treat yourself, spank the monkey... enjoy life. Her issues are not enough of a reason to spend your life miserable.

 

I'd gamble she doesn't have any close friends or family either, which is why she is so needy of you. You deserve a life of your own and she needs to get one for herself. I'd start here by just growing a backbone. Next I'd suggest marriage counseling if the backbone doesn't fix the issues. If she's still unwilling to compromise and drop those controlling traits, I'd work on getting a divorce in order. Until then, start logging these events so you can have a good case if it does go down that path.

 

 

Well I definitely think she is a passive aggressive control freak, and I think I have known for quite some time. I have even told her she is way too controlling at times, and she denies it all. She doesn't think she is controlling or manipulative AT ALL. That is how deeply ingrained her controlling behavior is.

 

I have mentioned marriage counseling multiple times in the past during our multitude of fights and arguments... and she is not very receptive to that idea at all. She always says the therapist will make her out to be the bad guy if we would ever go.

 

I have been trying to make it work for my daughter's sake for years now, but it has gotten to the point where I regularly fantasize about being single again, and I honestly think I would be happier. Even if I don't meet anyone else, I think I would still be happier if I was living alone, without her controlling my every move.

 

I have stood up to her on many occasions about doing what I want to do, and her controlling behavior. It all ends the same way, we have a huge fight, and we give each other the silent treatment for a few days, until we make up. Usually I am the one initiating the make up, because I don't want my daughter having to live in this negative atmosphere. But our fights never solve anything. She will ALWAYS hate what I like to do for fun, and she will ALWAYS hate if i do anything that doesn't involve her, like spending time with my family.

 

About spanking the monkey, she even hates if I do that. If there is a particularly long period of us fighting and not getting along, well that automatically means NO SEX. So naturally I might need to masturbate during this long period, and she gets PISSED about that. Again I think it stems from her being a control freak, and not being able to control when I do or don't get to cum. After we make up from our fights, make-up sex does not exist. She doesn't believe in make-up sex.

 

When we do have huge screaming matches, occasionally (more often than I would like to remember) she will threaten me with suicide, saying she can't live without me, and sometimes even doing physical harm to herself. This has also made me hesitant of leaving, and I feel trapped because I don't want her to do anything crazy.

 

My brothers have jokingly said that I am not just whipped by my wife, I am "beaten" by my wife. So other people outside of our marriage have obviously recognized her behavior as well. I think I am ready to move on, I just hope I make the right decision.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Covert

[ChooseTruth]

It sounds completely miserable to me. I couldn't live like that. If you are going to divorce, do it ASAP. The longer you are married and support someone who doesn't work, the longer you have to do it afterward (legally). Freedom for them, but not for you...at your expense.

[Speakingofwhich]

Covert, you should listen to what Yasuandio has posted (especially last paragraph) and it sounds as if she might have some more suggestions she might share with you.

 

Women don't always think like men do or respond to the same type of approach that men do so her advice may not have resonated with you. However, she knows what she is talking about and probably has more ideas up her sleeve. Maybe you should PM her.

 

And, yes, Yasuandio, you should write a book!

[Philosoraptor]

Well I definitely think she is a passive aggressive control freak, and I think I have known for quite some time. I have even told her she is way too controlling at times, and she denies it all. She doesn't think she is controlling or manipulative AT ALL. That is how deeply ingrained her controlling behavior is.

I'm sure she either says so, or harbors thoughts, about you being the manipulative one. You're not going to see any changes here without professional help.

 

I have mentioned marriage counseling multiple times in the past during our multitude of fights and arguments... and she is not very receptive to that idea at all. She always says the therapist will make her out to be the bad guy if we would ever go.

Of course she wont, she doesn't want an impartial view to tell her that she's controlling. She is unwilling to look in the mirror and face the facts. This is her own insecurity and nothing you should be punished for.

 

I have been trying to make it work for my daughter's sake for years now, but it has gotten to the point where I regularly fantasize about being single again, and I honestly think I would be happier. Even if I don't meet anyone else, I think I would still be happier if I was living alone, without her controlling my every move.

Truthfully your daughter would be better raised in a happy single parent household than a very dysfunctional married household. At her age she is watching the two of you and what she sees is what will ingrain into her about how a marriage or relationship should be.

 

I have stood up to her on many occasions about doing what I want to do, and her controlling behavior. It all ends the same way, we have a huge fight, and we give each other the silent treatment for a few days, until we make up. Usually I am the one initiating the make up, because I don't want my daughter having to live in this negative atmosphere. But our fights never solve anything. She will ALWAYS hate what I like to do for fun, and she will ALWAYS hate if i do anything that doesn't involve her, like spending time with my family.

Again, this is her insecurity and something she needs professional help to change. No matter what type of relationship she gets in she will lack the security for you to enjoy things outside of her. Don't be surprised if she gets upset at the kids for enjoying things that she doesn't.

 

Back in the day I asked my nutter once "What if our future kids enjoy xyz that I like?" Her response was "I would prefer for us to do everything as a family" and point them to things that she enjoyed so she could be involved.

 

About spanking the monkey, she even hates if I do that. If there is a particularly long period of us fighting and not getting along, well that automatically means NO SEX. So naturally I might need to masturbate during this long period, and she gets PISSED about that. Again I think it stems from her being a control freak, and not being able to control when I do or don't get to cum. After we make up from our fights, make-up sex does not exist. She doesn't believe in make-up sex.

Yes, that is total control. She needs to be in control of all of your happiness as she is too insecure to let other things in your life make you happy. This is totally unhealthy.

 

When we do have huge screaming matches, occasionally (more often than I would like to remember) she will threaten me with suicide, saying she can't live without me, and sometimes even doing physical harm to herself. This has also made me hesitant of leaving, and I feel trapped because I don't want her to do anything crazy.

Start secretly recording some of these conversations. When she makes these threats call the police and get her committed. That way you don't have to feel guilty because she is trying to control you with these threats.

 

My brothers have jokingly said that I am not just whipped by my wife, I am "beaten" by my wife. So other people outside of our marriage have obviously recognized her behavior as well. I think I am ready to move on, I just hope I make the right decision.

 

Right now you should seek marriage therapy for yourself, even if she is not willing to attend. Having a trained professional to talk to will not only help you get the push you need, but also provide strategies in order to move forward with your life. Start getting your things together on your own too. Make records of these incidents, record what you can, stash money somewhere, etc.

 

When you get home today take care of what you need to do (chores, kids, etc.) then do what you want to do. Life is way too short to spend it walking on eggshells and miserable.

[littlejaz]

I agree with Fluorescent on the counseling. I would find a marriage counselor, set up an appointment and ask her to go. If she refuses, go by yourself. I put up with a lot of crap because my STBXH always made me feel like if I pushed him, I would push him over the edge. Well guess what, that is not my problem. It is not my responsibility to make him happy when nothing makes him happy. As hard as this decision was, I finally came to the realization that I deserved to have some happiness in my life and if he wasn't willing to work on it together, then it was best for me to move on and find my own happiness.

 

But I would go to the counseling yourself as you will learn what you did wrong in the relationship so you don't repeat the mistakes. I can see her having a problem with the video games, especially when you first get home from work, but that does not excuse her controlling and manipulative behavior.

 

Bottom line you can't help someone who doesn't want help and it takes two to make a marriage work. Good luck.

[Yarrow]

Time for divorce? Maybe, maybe not. What you describe sounds miserable though. Definitely time for counseling. There's probably some things you are doing wrong and she is doing wrong. If she won't go to counseling, then it's time to line up your resources and start preparing for divorce. The two of you can't go on the way you've been going.

 

My first impression is that your wife needs to get a life. She doesn't have one, so she has to keep you close. It doesn't sound like she has anything else. And since she doesn't have a life, she doesn't want you to either. If I were HER therapist (or even her friend, and I'm not sure she has any from the sounds of it), depending on how old your daughter is, I would be gently suggesting to her to start thinking about getting a part-time job. Something that gets her out of the house, meeting people, and doing something purposeful besides just dealing with you and the kid. If she protests that she wants to be June Cleaver and be "taken care of", then I would make the point that those 1950s housewives didn't just stay home and bake cookies. They baked cookies and organized bake sales for the Ladies' Auxiliary. They got on the PTA and campaigned for improvements. They did stuff outside the home for sure. It just wasn't paid work because there wasn't a lot of good paid work being offered to women in those days. But they had to do something, or they would go cuckoo. And then I would tell her she can consider doing some volunteer work in the community instead, so that she can feel more connected with the world, but say that I only mentioned part-time work first because if she is so concerned about money and so frugal, then if she's going to go out and work, it might as well be paid work. And remind her that much as she wants to be "taken care of", that's what she has right now and it doesn't sound like she is all that happy.

 

Now, you can't tell that to her because she won't listen to you right now. That's for the therapist to work on, because she's going to have to roll that around in her head for a while before it makes sense. There's a whole other pile of issues you two have going on, but that was my first thought. However, I want to emphasize that it is not your job to fix her. You can examine what you are doing in the relationship and if you aren't proud of any of it, you can change that. But if she can't take the steps she needs to make herself happy, that's on her.

[MrWindupBird]

Your story, TS, sounds pretty textbook.

 

This pattern in recent years has shown me why so many men have so much resentment toward women.

 

We men are not perfect people. Maybe you like hanging out with the boys on the weekends. Maybe you like winding down a few evenings a week playing Madden on the Playstation. Maybe you work late here and there.

 

These are things women often will cite in their reasoning for this sexual embargo. They want men to do more chores. Go to more pumpkin patches. Go to more of their friends' kids' birthday parties on a man's much-looked-forward-to day off.

 

But what they don't understand is that their, at least perceived to be, prudish behavior is only going to push their husband further away until the husband will likely cheat or seek divorce. It really comes down to if the wife really wants the relationship to work. But don't flinch. You can compromise here and there, but keep sticking up for yourself.

[Misadventure]

Covert...

 

Well, there are three sides to everything.. his side, her side and the truth. You need a counselor... and be open and honest and communicate.

 

You will probably dislike some of the things I have to say, but I am very honest. I'm not a care bear, if you came looking for insight, especially from a woman, I will give it.

 

1- The "stay at home mom" factor..the question really is, was she like this before you got married and you knew of desires to mainly be stay at home? If so.. well, you signed up for it. You knew what she was about and wanted and agreed to it... even if later, you changed your mind..and wanted someone who will financially contribute.. it's something that you knew about and was on board with. It does need to be discussed....In marriage counseling. Thing is.. if this is suddenly a dealbreaker for you.. you need to ask yourself why... a person doesn't divorce someone because of a job, not if there is real love..you need to ask yourself if the factors of who she is as a person/mother/wife are there that you love.

 

2- Gaming and p0rn. Gaming. I was an online mod for Blizzard for a while in college and I can tell you that many marriages ended up in divorce due to online gaming. Either the game took away for the attention, the person was addicted, or they began having an emotional affair and then physical one with someone from the game. Gaming may seem like it can't touch your real life but there have been real life murders from someone who has won the roll or won the loot of an elite sword/ cloak etc...From what it seems she wants your attention when you get home but you need your space for you as well.. so set time for her.. and let her know that you need some time to play as well, and she is invited to join, she may like it.. more and more females are gamers. Especially with their husbands. - Family Talk: She probably feels left out because she can't relate..offer her the chance to play and relate..show her the game.. show her you want her to know the game and what you do. Most likely she will try it and get bored... or not try..but you offered. In the end, just say this is something that you like to do as a hobby.. and if she doesn't want to join.. have her do her own hobby at that time.. and then watch a movie together..have some wine together.. do something together.

-P0rn- This is a dealbreaker in many marriages so you probably do need to stop the p0rn or choose it and end the marriage. It is one or the other with a great deal of women. You may not know this but many men are addicted and it does lead to divorce on its own. For you.. it may seem like just something visual...and then you need a release..but then its more and more often...For many women, it is hurtful. You are choosing it over them and you are fantasizing/ sexualizing someone else. Your libidos may be mismatched but it doesn't make it any less hurtful to the spouse who is getting passed up for p0rn..and if she knows you watch it on the sly.. it makes you less attractive to want to have sex with as well. For men, the breeze makes you want to have sex. For women (most), its emotional.

 

- Money- Well the happy hour thing is probably because she wants you home.. she has been home all day, she needs someone to talk to etc... she needs a hobby.. volunteer for something, do something with friends. But also if she is insecure in your relationship.. and I wouldn't blame her since you are thinking of divorce.. then happy hours are a moment of temptation. The other stuff you should discuss in counseling as far as freedom to spend..but if you want to do things as a couple then you need to leave the house and spend money to date each other. If you don't date and reconnect then your other foot will follow this one out the door.

 

Sex Life- Ok so you have a high sex drive... and? I read this whole thing and it "I" "I"...yes, I know you are the one contemplating divorce but honestly, some of it is for very selfish reasons and honestly, some are very shallow. When you marry someone you are supposed to be there for the good and the bad... not "well until sex is only once a week."

 

Also realize she has had a kid, many times the libido goes out in women after that.. and remember that women's sexual drive is often tied to emotions.. and their self image and security. How secure do you make her feel? How pretty do you make her feel? How loved and adored do you make her feel? Or do you just basically want sex without having to put the emotional effort behind the physical.

 

Where is the romance? Are you this hot tamale that once she looks at you she can't help but jump on you? Have you tried to bringing the sexy back? Its like you are looking for a way to reconnect physically without having to do it emotionally. It doesn't work like that for many women.. and reading this, definitely not from your wife.

 

Turn on some music.. light some candles...get her in the mood... make her want you. Now I know its just expected because she married you...but it comes down to the basics... FLIRTING. Sexy texts...."I can't wait to see you later".... "Been thinking about you in that shirt all day"..."Do you remember when (insert time)...been thinking about that today..."... Plant the seed of thought. Women like to be courted... YES, even if you are effing married!

 

Some other things, you need to understand that a high percentage of women aren't going to do anyway (@nal, spit/swallow, and video taping due to the net etc)...The positions.. there are more than just missionary and on top.. if the top hurts her back, do some side tricks etc. BUT again, if its once a week... thats actually average for married couples. Sorry but it is.. if you want more than that.. work on it by reconnected emotionally, dialing up the flirt, and making her want you. Yeah, so sure you can go for once a day...but just because she doesn't once a day is not a reason for divorce. Are you in the marriage for sex or because you fell in love with who she is as a person?

 

I think some of the things you listed of why considering divorce are self centered and maybe a bit immature... are you willing to do work, self reflect and go to marriage counseling? Or do you think its so simple to start anew and the next person you date will just have sexy everyday (until again, it dwindles... and it does)? I will tell you from having been a mod, most wives who don't play games (mmorg) with their husbands actually have the same complaint as yours...If you are thinking of getting out to find this one magical female who will play mmo's, have sex everyday, never nag, be a mom, have a great career and bring money home, let you go out anytime with buddies... it's just never that easy. There is always a compromise.

 

What are you willing to accept and have already agreed to accept when you married her? Maybe think about your own attributes as well. Are you the absolute perfect stud husband romancing her and making her feel like a beautiful wife and mother?

 

It's time for self reflection and also looking for the outside in.

 

Marriage counseling but also maybe looking at some of your complaints....in the grand scheme of things, and what marriage and love is supposed to be... some of it is very superficial and shallow. Maybe its time you ask yourself why.

 

Please understand, I am not bashing you. I am being objective. You wanted honesty. I think you BOTH NEED marriage counseling, bottom line. Tell her this is what you need and why. DO not threaten divorce....if you explain emotionally why you both need it and emotionally why... the part that "fee" in her will respond. If you are confrontational... it won't work.

Edited September 22, 2013 by Misadventure

[Outdoorman]

.......................

 

Please understand, I am not bashing you. I am being objective. You wanted honesty. I think you BOTH NEED marriage counseling, bottom line. Tell her this is what you need and why. DO not threaten divorce....if you explain emotionally why you both need it and emotionally why... the part that "fee" in her will respond. If you are confrontational... it won't work.

 

Misadventure,

 

You have some VERY good points. However, is there really such a thing as a "good" marriage counselor? I've been to many, many.... both individual and both in counseling, and none were worth their salt.

[Misadventure]

It's much like Goldilocks lol... try some until the one fits for you. I went to two counselors for me as an individual until I found the one right for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't read all that, but I want to say one thing: Get rid of the farking video games, dude. You're not a bachelor anymore. I've seen so many guys do this and all it does is create problems. Your life is different now, whether you like it or not. I realize people of all ages play games, but in every case I've seen, this isn't an hour a day or something. It becomes a lot more. I know one guy who is a DENTIST, who is a video game addict (he is) and will stay up all night playing. His practice is actual at risk because he comes in late all the time. No joke.

 

That's my two cents.

... and? I read this whole thing and it "I" "I"...yes, I know you are the one contemplating divorce but honestly, some of it is for very selfish reasons and honestly, some are very shallow. When you marry someone you are supposed to be there for the good and the bad... not "well until sex is only once a week."

Agree with both of the above. And it doesn't surprise me that you fantasize about being single as you've brought a bachelor mentality to marriage with a small child. And trust me my friend, those are two different universes.

 

I'd guess that much of your wife's resentment is based on a feeling (right or wrong) that the rewards of bath time and family dinners don't resonate with you on the same level as does COD 10, happy hour with friends or hanging with your brothers. Additionally, your statement that "I am the one who makes all the money" doesn't imply an equal valuation of both partner's contribution to the relationship.

 

Those posters providing you validation are ignoring the fact that there's some work to be done on both sides...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mkrainy]

I have to say i had some similarity as your wife and I realized that my behavior was somewhat controlling after my husband decided to divorce me. I tried to ask him to go to MC when he asked for divorce but it's too late and he was not willing to go.

 

I did lots of self reflection after the D news and realized lots of mistake during the marriage. I also went to lots of IC. Sometimes she didn't realize she was being controlling because her world was only surrounded by you. She's very lonely and she felt insecure that she is not the financial provider. The insecure might also be caused by you. That's from both side.

 

My husband was a conflict avioder. He was unhappy but he would tell me directly because he knew we would argue. Therefore, I dominated the dynamic in our relationship. Even though I have to admit even he speaks up, I might still argue. Nonetheless, if he ever insisted, then I will step back for sure.

 

I was being needy and clingy because I was so insecure and lonely. We relocated to new city and I only had him at that moment. I didn't like the city and had no friend. I was unhappy myself while he's busy all the time.

I didn't know that my behavior was controlling until later on.

 

Talk to your wife about it and insist going to MC with her by telling her the seriousness. She will get it. If not, repeating telling her the consequence of not willing to go to MC.

 

Not until i read other people's post and talked to IC, I figure out my own problem and I believe I could change as well, so does she. Marriage is hard work, it's never easy.

[GuyInLimbo]

 

About spanking the monkey, she even hates if I do that. If there is a particularly long period of us fighting and not getting along, well that automatically means NO SEX. So naturally I might need to masturbate during this long period, and she gets PISSED about that. Again I think it stems from her being a control freak, and not being able to control when I do or don't get to cum. After we make up from our fights, make-up sex does not exist. She doesn't believe in make-up sex.

 

This is different. This points to an extreme insecurity on her end. I have the same problem, where my wife is constantly asking me if/when I do. Um, it's natural. And normal. It's NOT a substitute. But many women take it as an affront.

 

Anyway, there's a LOT of good feedback in this thread. In fact, some of the best I've seen in one post on here.

[stillafool]

I think your wife is totally wrong and childish to threaten suicide. That would scare me because she has your child in her care. I like others feel she needs to get a life. Doesn't she have friends with kids and play dates? I agree that you should stand up to her and tell her she is not your mother and to stop acting like it. Tell her you don't plan to live your life in chains.

[JJLA]

If she refuses to go to counselling this can be very powerful evidence in a divorce hearing. She is probably (HIGHLY) going to get nasty if you decide to leave, so you need to be a step ahead for the sake of yourself and your daughter.

 

 

This depends on jurisdiction. I'm in California, and we have "no fault divorce" here. Put simply, the court doesn't care who cheated on who, who is lousy in the sack, who wants to work it out, who doesn't, etc. The court just wants to (a) set custody in the best interests of the kids, (b) set child support according to a formula, © set spousal support, if necessary, taking into consideration the sum total of what the marriage has been (this is an oversimplification) and (d) dividing the marital assets equally. Courts don't have the time or inclination to sit in moral judgment.

[BeingMe]

Something that keeps coming through is the money side of things: you resenting having to support her, her asking you not to spend money. Are you in debt? Is money tight? Or are you fabulously wealthy? Do you have different ideas of debt? I mean,are you ok with having an overdraft, but does she see anything like that as debt and stressful?

 

Also, if you resent her, then you're not going to be wanting to meet her emotional needs. In fact it's interesting that neither of your emotional needs are mentioned here. Are you emotionally available with her? Because very few women will feel like having sex, or being all warm and welcoming if they're being neglected emotionally.

 

You see, unless you are really just wanting us to tell you to walk...you are BOTH going to have to do some work here. You've listed all her faults. What are yours? Can you own your imperfections and poor coping mechanisms (we all have them)? Are you willing to work on yourself too?

[worldgonewrong]

About spanking the monkey, she even hates if I do that. If there is a particularly long period of us fighting and not getting along, well that automatically means NO SEX. So naturally I might need to masturbate during this long period, and she gets PISSED about that.

 

I'm confused - why is she even privy to that info? A man goes & jerks off in private, no news, no sharing, etc. It seems strange to me, this.

 

Re the p0rn and videogames - well, my take: "when I became a man, I put away childish things." Y'know?

 

Everyone has said a lot of insightful stuff, and I don't have much to add except: my ex-wife was controlling, stay-at-home, didn't like me having too many attachments (familial or otherwise) beyond her. I chose to ignore that, and lost good time with quality people.

Your wife also seems ripe to become someone who will cheat. It's always the "June Cleavers" who suddenly shock the hell out of you. I thought my ex was a prude, too, but she had a rich fantasy life in her head that spilled out one day and dismantled the marriage & our family.

Take the bull by the horns on this one. Make some changes within, too.

[strive]

I wonder what happened to the OP. Never posted any more.

 

Personally I think he just misses his bachelorhood and has never fully transitioned to being a family man.

 

The wife is obviously unhappy about something too, but I guess we'll never know why.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally I think he just misses his bachelorhood and has never fully transitioned to being a family man.

Amen. And he's not the first guy to struggle with the transition...

 

Mr. Lucky