Wife had an affair. Stay Married or Divorce?

[bubbaganoosh]

Fred.

 

It doesn't matter if she was totally naked or if she just pulled her pants down. The guy still saw what he wasn't supposed to see and it doesn't matter if he was the one who initiated it. She still has a voice box and could have said no.

 

I think your right. You just want to believe it. Be careful. It could lead you down a very bumpy dead end road

[harrybrown]

Tell her this will take many years to get better, not just a month.

 

Tell her that when she ripped your heart out and set it on fire, you have to put out the fire, put the heart back in and restart it.

 

Sometimes the heart can not take all of the damage and will not start again.

 

Maybe you should divorce, let her hang around and have her sign that if she cheats again, she gets nothing.

[happysong]

I feel sad to those BS happily accepted their faith brought by their WS. They seem always ready and willingly to forgive their WS no matter what they do. Some others will go to the extreme subconsciously defending WS infidelity and give them valid reason why their life wrecking behavior is acceptable. SMH

 

Understanding and Forgiveness are special gifts you can give to someone who really deserves it but a lousy gifts if you want to teach someone a good lesson.

Edited September 22, 2013 by happysong

[road]

Fred.

 

It doesn't matter if she was totally naked or if she just pulled her pants down. The guy still saw what he wasn't supposed to see and it doesn't matter if he was the one who initiated it. She still has a voice box and could have said no.

 

I think your right. You just want to believe it. Be careful. It could lead you down a very bumpy dead end road

 

 

WW's lie. That is why you can not trust or believe her she has said happened during her affair. This is why you must. Not should. You must schedule a polygraph test to get the whole truth.

[Jim305]

I am as certain as I can be that she is very regretful and wish it never happened. ... I feel that my marriage is a complete pile of horse crap ... I have told my wife that I would stay with her but I want a divorce as I no longer respect the ideals or values marriage is supposed to represent. My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go. ... I guess, though, our children will not like it but it shouldn't matter, nothing changes for them.

 

You've both made changes and she's contrite - two good signs that your marriage is still more than "a pile of horse crap." The institution of marriage isn't the problem - the disconnect between you and your wife is. As for your children, do you really want to send them the message that marriage doesn't mean anything? And they WILL be affected. They'll be confused - why does Dad want to divorce but not leave? If Dad is so miserable and unhappy that he'll create a divorce and all the emotional turmoil that goes with it, then why would he still stay with Mom? If your marriage is that bad, get a divorce and move out. If the relationship can be saved, save it, stay, and stay married. The relationship between you and your wife and between you and your kids is what's important here. This is not the time to make statements about what the marital institution means or doesn't mean.

[Debanked]

Jim305, crying in your post on your thread at 7:50 AM but stayed on to type advice at 8:16? Quick turn man!

[Fredflintstone]

Look. Do you love this woman? Yes: then fight for your marriage. NO: then do you and HER a favour, and leave, not because of the affair, because it's what is best for everyone. Including the kids.

 

If anyone tells you that she doesn't love you because if she did she would not have had an affair is someone who has personal issues, has no idea about affairs, and what causes them, and simply wants everyone who has been betrayed to validate what they did. Some people make the right decision to toss the WS out on his/her arse, some, many, do not. And you definitely cannot make this decision until you have exhausted all the options. And you cannot exhaust your options moving directly to divorce, separation, or irreversible decisions

 

Why did your wife stray: this is an important question. What did she DO, this is irrelevant, and frankly, personally destructive and based on not addressing the real question: WHY? You need to know what motivated her or you wont know what the two of you need to DO to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

 

Look, it's not the same thing if your wife cheated on you because she has sexual addictions or if she has split self issues. Or if she is denying something, or if she ... Does she love you? Yes: then if you love her why would you want to divorce her? NO? Then why would you want to be with her? and she with you? Get down to the basics, make no quick decisions, recover what has been lost that got you together in the first place.

 

 

Thanks, I'll take this advice.

[Steadfast]

If anyone tells you that she doesn't love you because if she did she would not have had an affair is someone who has personal issues, has no idea about affairs, and what causes them, and simply wants everyone who has been betrayed to validate what they did.

 

Horrible generalization, not accurate and certainly not based on reality. Even if much of the advice that follows is basic common sense. People here are so quick to pull the judgement card. This time, your wide brush fits.

 

You seem to view cheating as the abnormal seaviews; something so heinous that the innocent spouse must have played a part in causing it. But cheating and lying are common; the best friends of the weak and selfish. The WS can always pick something to hang the cheating on. No one leads perfect lives; all feel the pull of obligation that takes them away from closeness, affection, and other factors critical to marriage success. The spouse is always an easy target for the cheater. They know every flaw.

 

Why do so many discount the fact that true love thrives in times of turmoil? It's the self-centered weak and needy that bail when things get tough. The landslide of threads here only serve as a small percentage proving this as fact. Yet, your personal agenda sees it differently seaviews.

 

If perfection was a requirement for successful marriage, then everyone would be divorced. It's easy to love when life is easy. The flip-side exposes one's true character. Truth is, few really know what 'love' is anymore.

[Fredflintstone]

I think I've said this before and I'm not trying to make excuses, I genuinely believe I played a big part in the circumstances leading up to this and her affair didn't take months, it took years to get to the point where this happened. My youngest son would often find her in our living room, alone, crying because I was not there amongst other things that happened. That is why I am still here with my wife, I know I love her, I know she now realises that I love her. She was already moving her stuff back before I found out and I know she was planning on coming home. She's always loved me but for years she thought I just tolerated her presence even though I never left or cheated myself. It wasn't her who instigated the sexual side of things which is my biggest hang up, I've questioned and cross examined her and am satisfied with the result. I know lots of people will say that I'm naive and that she's lying etc, etc but I and my wife have taken massive steps to save our marriage and family. Having said all this I don't take any responsibility for her affair she allowed that to happen, not me. He's gone now and will never return, she's been sick with stress, worry and regret for how things have turned out. Even during the affair she was very ill which I now know was a result of guilt. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt just this once, not sure if we'll work out as I still have issues about it that have caused arguments but neither of us have given up.

[drifter777]

I think I've said this before and I'm not trying to make excuses, I genuinely believe I played a big part in the circumstances leading up to this and her affair didn't take months, it took years to get to the point where this happened. My youngest son would often find her in our living room, alone, crying because I was not there amongst other things that happened. That is why I am still here with my wife, I know I love her, I know she now realises that I love her. She was already moving her stuff back before I found out and I know she was planning on coming home. She's always loved me but for years she thought I just tolerated her presence even though I never left or cheated myself. It wasn't her who instigated the sexual side of things which is my biggest hang up, I've questioned and cross examined her and am satisfied with the result. I know lots of people will say that I'm naive and that she's lying etc, etc but I and my wife have taken massive steps to save our marriage and family. Having said all this I don't take any responsibility for her affair she allowed that to happen, not me. He's gone now and will never return, she's been sick with stress, worry and regret for how things have turned out. Even during the affair she was very ill which I now know was a result of guilt. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt just this once, not sure if we'll work out as I still have issues about it that have caused arguments but neither of us have given up.

You should really stop posting or even reading in the Infidelity section of this site. You don't need any advice - you've made your decision - and lots of the comments you are going to see now are going to be very negative. Good luck.

[Steadfast]

I know lots of people will say that I'm naive and that she's lying etc, etc but I and my wife have taken massive steps to save our marriage and family. Having said all this I don't take any responsibility for her affair she allowed that to happen, not me.

 

My warmest and best wishes Fred. It's hard to argue against love. I know what you're going through isn't easy. This is your decision. Your wife does not sound like the 'typical' cheater. Not all are mean and selfish.

 

Here's to a long and happy life to both you you.

[WTF did I do]

Sorry to hear you are going through this traumatic time! I read your post and feel horrible for you. I however was the faulty one in our marriage. My husband and I are still working on all this mess I caused. He has been nothing but amazing. It has not been an easy journey for him. He has wanted to divorce me numerous times. I am forever grateful for his hardwork. It has been 2 years ago and we still occasionally talk about it. It's hard when u drive past a place where I wld see the other person. I did as your wife did cut off contact, no more social media (I had fake accts),I had a whole bunch of lies. I did not have sex with the other person however there were kisses/and lots of communication. I felt needed by that other person. I never blamed him For my faults I hate him for the lies he told his wife to get back at her but I never put the blame on him. I do have to say I didn't necessarily enjoy the kissing. He was not someone I would have ever dated.

My husband is a very good looking prominent business man who could have anyone he wants. I have always been insecure with that. He didn't make me insecure it was my own demons.

 

We are not religious people therefore we didn't go to church to help us. We tried a counselor but she took my side which was unbelievable. We stopped going to counseling and have worked on each day since I feel bad I have tired him out and of course there's a lot of guilt and I cry at least a couple of times a week becuz of my guilt. He didn't do anything wrong yet he has to overcome this. Really doesn't seem fair. I tell him on a daily basis I appreciate him

 

He did talk to the other man and he made things worse by the lies he did tell (the other man had other women and must of been mixing me up with somebody(s) else). I did take a polygraph test --- that helped for a awhile with his thoughts but he did still did have doubts. (I broke his trust can't blame him).

I also signed a post nuptial agreement so if he did divorce me I won't get anything. I did wrong,,, deserve that.

 

Its only your decision what you want to do. As for us we are doing better but it has been rough and not fair for my husband. I hope the best for you and your wife. Nobody can judge unless they r in your shoes.

 

You are not alone in this journey as long as you have your "good" friends and "good" family helping you through. Hoping for the future your wife will be able to help heal you both.

[ChooseTruth]

Thanks, I'll take this advice.

Just make sure that if you go after the "why" that it's not all about what you did. She has to look inside herself to find out why. You can always self improve and maybe she was resentful for something you did, but she needs to know why she reacted in that destructive way instead of a more collaborative way.

[crederer]

Tell her you will stay with her if she signs a postnup, then bang as many women as you can and when she catches you flip her the bird and take off.

 

If she doesn't sign a postnup, bang her sister.

[2sunny]

She also told me she never got fully undressed, he initiated it everytime, I know she is very self concious about her body. You are right though, it could easily be lies to protect herself. The thing is, she's very sincere, maybe I just want to believe it. I appreciate what you and everyone else has said though. I am not going to make decisions based entirely on this thread but I might use it to help me ask questions or think of things that I may have overlooked.

 

Stop lying to yourself.

 

She's not self conscious enough to keep another man from putting his penis inside of her.

 

And yes, she has minimized her involvement.

 

Is he married? If so, have you informed his wife?

[Fredflintstone]

Stop lying to yourself.

 

She's not self conscious enough to keep another man from putting his penis inside of her.

 

And yes, she has minimized her involvement.

 

Is he married? If so, have you informed his wife?

 

I've said that to her, I've also asked how it happened, what did he do, what were you thinking, how long it lasted, you get the idea, I wanted to know every single detail. Some of it she has no answers for, some of it she can't remember, She told me she never intended to stay with him, she never even thought it would go as far as it has.

He isn't married, although he was for alongtime, he's been married a few times but, apparently only cheated on his first wife with his second one ( yeah right). One of the things that gets me when I think about it is that this guy had absolutely nothing to lose, my wife put everything on the line because she felt unloved and neglected. She told me that he thought we were split up, but she also said she never had a bad word to say about me other than the reasons of neglect and feelings of not being loved. If that was the case and I was him, I'd have asked why she was still wearing the ring if she was moving on. Amongst other holes I picked at I think that he would have probed deeper and asked more questions, I would've, I think maybe he knew what she said didn't add up and didn't really want to know or care if she was telling the truth.

 

I remember when she told me about this guy she thought was a relative of ours and asked him, she found out he wasn't but was still talking to him after a couple of weeks. I told her that why would he be still talking to her? surely if he's not related then that's it, right? I then told her he was after something, this was about 19 months ago now. That was the last time she ever spoke of him. The affair really started about that time even if it was only on the internet for a while. I know he's experience with chat dating sites and has slept with numerous women from those, so he knows how to talk to women and what to say to them.

 

About a month before she went on holiday she moved to her mothers house(none of her family had any idea). Her family had gone on an extended holiday and she was there on her own (one thing she's always said is he never set foot in our house or her moms). This was before I knew about it, by this time I realised what I actually felt for her and told her so and told her I'll do whatever it takes to get her back to me. She cried alot, told me that she wished I had told her sooner. She went and joined her family on holiday ( I know she was there I was in regular contact with all of them). She began moving all her stuff back from her moms house before she went and told me she was coming back after the holiday. I found some message alerts on her email for a social media site whilst she was gone from the very same man I warned her about. When she came home she left our youngest son with her parents and told me about this affair, my life disintegrated around me.

 

She's responsible for this, not me but I know I wasn't the best husband, I hadn't given it 100% so if I walked away It wouldn't be because I tried.

We have two children, my oldest doesn't want us to separate and my youngest I think is feeling it more he gets upset, he knows we're not right anymore. I do still love her although my head is all over the place, I look at her sometimes and feel numb, like I don't know her. Then we could be in bed watching tv and I look at her and can't help smiling but in my stomach is an ache that doesn't go away, it's holding me back, I'm hoping it will go over time. I know this will be hard but I'm hoping that it will make us stronger in the end. If something does start to go wrong maybe this time we'll actually do something about it rather than make stupid assumptions and let it eat away at us.

[Fredflintstone]

Depends on what YOU want. What she wants right now is irrelevant.

 

You don't stay to make HER feel better. If you stay it should be because you feel she is really remorseful, and that you can live with the fact that your wife stepped outside the marriage.

 

If she is remorseful, but you are completely disgusted by her now, then you probalby should choose divorce so you can get away from that. Don't let anyone tell you that just because she is remorseful and wanting to save her marriage that you should stay if YOU aren't wanting it anymore.

 

 

 

 

Thats not on you. Its on her. But it will change for them if you divorce and one of you moves out.

Unless you are thinking of divorcing just so you don't have that tie to her and can bolt when you want, and plan on still living together as a couple.

 

 

 

I don't know of anyone that decided to divorce just to get the marriage out of the way, yet stay together as a couple. But weirder things have happened.

 

But bottom line, you do what YOU think you need to. If you don't want to be married to her, then don't be.

 

You are absolutely right, I'm in control of this situation now and I can change my mind and she'll have no say in the matter. I know I can divorce her for infidelity and fast track it through the courts. I have 6 months to do this from the date I found out, I've marked this date on my phone but I'll not be too hasty, I want time to see how things work out.

[Fredflintstone]

Tell her you will stay with her if she signs a postnup, then bang as many women as you can and when she catches you flip her the bird and take off.

 

If she doesn't sign a postnup, bang her sister.

 

During my times of anger I think like this but ultimately I will not compromise the person I am for something meaningless. It did make me smile though.