Cheating ex bf contacting me 5 years later

[Editbee]

I received a message from him yesterday on my facebook and this is what it said

''Hi, how are you? I was wondering if we can meet at Starbucks to talk. It's ok if you don't want to.''

 

This is the same guy I caught long ago with the other girl. He did tried to beg me back for a couple days at the time until I answered and told him I was with someone else (a lie), which got him to stopped contacting him.

 

Why he did contact me nearly 5 years later? What does he want? I'm not ever planning to get back with him but should I accept the meeting. I'm getting kind of curious on what he has to say after so long. I still haven't accepted his friend request.

[mercuryshadow]

Unless I held an immense amount of disgust for someone and did not trust myself to remain calm and civil, I'd meet up with them.

 

If you are truly over it, see what he has to say. Perhaps he needs to speak to you in order to forgive himself. When he's said his piece, let him know that you've forgiven him, yet haven't forgotten what he did. Let him see that you're just fine, that he did not break you or mess you up for life, and that no, (if it goes there, in his mind) you are not willing to give it another shot. And then wish him well and go your separate ways.

[Editbee]

Ok, I'll meet up with him. I figure it's been a long while and it doesn't sound like he wants to ask me back.

 

As for forgiving and not holding grudges yes but never will forget about him screwing the other girl in my place.

[PegNosePete]

He wants a booty call. He sees the ex as safe ground.

[stillafool]

Absolutely do not meet him. Why? You are over it so show him that by no response. He doesn't deserve one. He just wants to get laid.

[mercuryshadow]

Maybe my response was a bit naïve. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt...

I don't know. I thought about what I would do if my cheating ex contacted me. I'd want him to see that I was doing very well. And I'd give him a few minutes to speak his peace and then be on my way.

[cif]

The only circumstance I would meet an ex is if the end was civil. Someone that cheated on you doesn't respect you and is not friendship material. And if he really needs to get things off his chest he could email. Continue NC, your valuable time is better spent with people who love and care for you. Nothing your ex says will undo the damage done.

[veggirl]

I would write back "what is it you want to talk about?"

 

I wouldn't just agree to go. Find out if it's even something you are gonna be interested in talking about.

[Trimmer]

Unless I held an immense amount of disgust for someone and did not trust myself to remain calm and civil, I'd meet up with them.

I would look at the other side of this philosophy:

 

Unless I had a strong feeling that there was something to be gained by it for myself, and could absolutely trust the ex to not be about to mind-f*** me, I would not meet up with them.

 

If you are truly over it, see what he has to say.

If you are truly over it, then congratulations! You have absolutely no need to see what he has to say. That's what you have worked for: not needing to see what he thinks, how he's doing, or what he has to say. Why voluntarily stir that pot now?

 

Perhaps he needs to speak to you in order to forgive himself.

Then he's doing it wrong. If he still "needs" from the OP 5 years after having cheated on her then we're already talking about a messed up emotional process, so there's not likely a lot to be gained (and possibly some backsliding to be done) by the OP meeting with him.

 

Let him see that you're just fine, that he did not break you or mess you up for life, and that no, (if it goes there, in his mind) you are not willing to give it another shot.

Again, if you've moved on, the true test is whether you don't care whether he knows that you are fine, that he didn't break you, etc. If you have truly moved on, then there's no point in spending any extra energy making a point or creating any impression with him.

 

...then wish him well and go your separate ways.

The easiest way to do this is in a simple, short, civil, and FINAL reply to his FB friend request. Nothing says "I've moved on. Best wishes in the future" as effectively as "I've moved on. Best wishes in the future."

 

Mercury - I'm not picking on you; just showing the other side of things for someone who has truly moved on.

 

Maybe my response was a bit naïve. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt...

I generally agree - almost to a fault. However, my philosophy is that he forfeited the "benefit of the doubt" when he cheated, and I don't (any longer) give second chances in that area.

 

To the OP - if you are considering meeting him, as yourself "Why?", and then list all the possible reasons. How many of them are "for him", and how many of them are "for you"?

 

Are there really any compelling reasons to do it for him? And are there any reasons - at all - to do it for you?

Edited September 19, 2013 by Trimmer

[mercuryshadow]

I would look at the other side of this philosophy:

 

Unless I had a strong feeling that there was something to be gained by it for myself, and could absolutely trust the ex to not be about to mind-f*** me, I would not meet up with them.

 

 

If you are truly over it, then congratulations! You have absolutely no need to see what he has to say. That's what you have worked for: not needing to see what he thinks, how he's doing, or what he has to say. Why voluntarily stir that pot now?

 

 

Then he's doing it wrong. If he still "needs" from the OP 5 years after having cheated on her then we're already talking about a messed up emotional process, so there's not likely a lot to be gained (and possibly some backsliding to be done) by the OP meeting with him.

 

 

Again, if you've moved on, the true test is whether you don't care whether he knows that you are fine, that he didn't break you, etc. If you have truly moved on, then there's no point in spending any extra energy making a point or creating any impression with him.

 

 

The easiest way to do this is in a simple, short, civil, and FINAL reply to his FB friend request. Nothing says "I've moved on. Best wishes in the future" as effectively as "I've moved on. Best wishes in the future."

 

Mercury - I'm not picking on you; just showing the other side of things for someone who has truly moved on.

 

To the OP - if you are considering meeting him, as yourself "Why?", and then list all the possible reasons. How many of them are "for him", and how many of them are "for you"?

 

Are there really any compelling reasons to do it for him? And are there any reasons - at all - to do it for you?

 

 

No problem here, I definitely value your opinion. You made very valid points. I think I may just be too forgiving for my own good. That's just me.

[Trimmer]

No problem here, I definitely value your opinion. You made very valid points. I think I may just be too forgiving for my own good. That's just me.

Believe me, I understand - I think I edited my post above just as you were posting, but I'm very much that way, too. And maybe I'm feeling just a bit surly this morning, but I burned myself with a second chance after being cheated on, and now I just think that after you've cheated on someone, you've forfeited the benefit of the doubt.

 

If the OP really thinks she will get something positive from it, then I'm all for it. My advice, though, is not to do it out of any obligation to "let him speak" or to help him find forgiveness or closure or anything like that.

 

She had to live through the infidelity and spend time healing from it on her own; she's earned the right to be free of obligation to help him, and to only interact with him if it serves her purposes.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Trimmer

[Editbee]

Ok so I actually did met up with him a couple days ago. Nothing much. He just basically told me how he realized I've always been a special person, wishes me the best, apologized for the cheating and that he was immature and stupid back then.

 

As we talked some more, he told that now he knows what it's like to feel what I did at the time. About 2 years after I broke if off, he started meeting someone else, got into another relationship later and talked about the future with her, she gets pregnant and made him believe it's his child but it wasn't. He found this out through the doctor when he has very little chance of fathering a kid due to very low sperm count and it revealed he wasn't the father. Then he went on explaining about going through other issues.

 

Though he cheated on me, that must really suck; to be told that there is little chance of having a kid and the child you think it's yours isn't.

 

But I tried to focus on not getting to involved and keeping it shorter saying I really a busy person and how I have to go in a couple minutes. Before he left, again he wished me well and gave me his number, said I can call him if I want to.

[crederer]

K well he's obviously trying to get you back with you (and you seem to be open to it). The ball is in your court now. I wouldn't suggest getting back with a cheater but it is your life.

[Editbee]

K well he's obviously trying to get you back with you (and you seem to be open to it). The ball is in your court now. I wouldn't suggest getting back with a cheater but it is your life.

No, I don't ever plan on getting back with him. I'm really interested in this other guy I've been hanging out with for this past month.

 

It was over the day he cheated. There is a difference between taking back a cheater, letting them back in your life and getting to the point where you can talk to them as a friend without holding any grudges but moving on with your life.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Editbee

[crederer]

I hear you. Perfectly valid. It sounds like you have nothing to gain with this "meet" so why do it?

[Editbee]

I hear you. Perfectly valid. It sounds like you have nothing to gain with this "meet" so why do it?

Was curious in what he had to say and I'm just a person that simply finds no reason to hold grudges against anyone.

 

It turns out, he one day revealed that I was his first (I had no idea to be honest and would have found it great at the time..minus the cheating off course) while calling me drunkenly but was embarrassed back then to tell me that. He has been having issues with peer pressue back then and how after remembering what he underwent, got curious and stupid and cheated.

[Joaquin]

He's bored. At a loose end. Scrapping through his phone to see if there is anyone he can have a pity party with. Bingo, he found someone. You. Good old reliable after 5 years she's still there. No care what emotional pain he might drag up. Might even get a handy shag out it.

 

Ex are ex's for a reason. Leave this guy in the past where he belongs.

[preraph]

You never know, he might have changed and developed real empathy when he got hurt. Unless you have a lot of feelings for the guy and feel like but for the cheating, it might go somewhere, I wouldn't pursue it. It's even possible he joined AA and is on the step where they have to "make amends" and apologize to those they've hurt, so I'd ask about that before seeing him again. But it's also true sometimes people grow up a little. If it's someone you really cared about, you could always have the big conversation and just ask him if he'd cheat again, if he's ready for commitment, etc.

[Trimmer]

Was curious in what he had to say and I'm just a person that simply finds no reason to hold grudges against anyone.

 

It turns out, he one day revealed that I was his first (I had no idea to be honest and would have found it great at the time..minus the cheating off course) while calling me drunkenly but was embarrassed back then to tell me that. He has been having issues with peer pressue back then and how after remembering what he underwent, got curious and stupid and cheated.

Your verb tenses make that last statement a little confusing. He's claiming that he had peer pressure issues before being with you, and then while he was with you, he remembered what he had previously gone through and those memories drove him to cheat? Or he was struggling with peer pressure while he was with you, and that drove him to cheat?

 

Either way, I'm not buying it... Either he owns his choice to cheat, or he hasn't grown out of it yet, irrespective of any great apologies, etc.

[No Limit]

You never know, he might have changed and developed real empathy when he got hurt. Unless you have a lot of feelings for the guy and feel like but for the cheating, it might go somewhere, I wouldn't pursue it. It's even possible he joined AA and is on the step where they have to "make amends" and apologize to those they've hurt, so I'd ask about that before seeing him again. But it's also true sometimes people grow up a little. If it's someone you really cared about, you could always have the big conversation and just ask him if he'd cheat again, if he's ready for commitment, etc.

 

He 'grew up', or rather had a realization when a person he really really liked kicked his trust in the guts and shot it dead. It goes well beyond having your BF screw some chick in your own place and that memory of what he did probably just made him feel bad.

 

I wouldn't give it much thought. He was able to talk to you which may got him to feel a little better and that's it.

 

edit;;

Just noticed the "drunk call" part; I'm curious, did he ever try to contact you again?

[Sugarkane]

I would be hard pressed to find a reason to meet up with a cheater if it was me. Especially if they didn't meet and give you any closure in the first place.

[Editbee]

Your verb tenses make that last statement a little confusing. He's claiming that he had peer pressure issues before being with you, and then while he was with you, he remembered what he had previously gone through and those memories drove him to cheat? Or he was struggling with peer pressure while he was with you, and that drove him to cheat?

He said this all happened during his HS years and how those memories affected him for such a long time, even when being with me.

 

I don't excuse cheating either but like stated, what to hear what play a role in his decision to cheat. I'm not getting back with him and actually I've been hanging out with someone else.

[Editbee]

Just noticed the "drunk call" part; I'm curious, did he ever try to contact you again?

Yes, he does calls from time to time just to say hi. Sometimes I don't answer and at times I did just for the hell of it.

[No Limit]

Yes, he does calls from time to time just to say hi. Sometimes I don't answer and at times I did just for the hell of it.

 

Hmpf. Some guys are weird.

[HappyLove]

He's sad and scared. Reality has hit him. He thought that he could go through life being this stud with the ladies then found a chick who played him. He hoped to have children in the future and now sees this might not be a possibility. So he's now reflecting and realized the one woman who would have accepted him and his circumstance, he blew it with her. He thinks there's still a chance, he's desperate, so he makes sure she has his number. How many young women who want children would accept a man like this? He figures not many so he's taking his chances. He knows you well and that if he asked to meet up with you, you'd jump at the chance. Funny it took him five years to apologize. Be careful he's definitely trying to worm his way back into your life.