13 is not my lucky number

[RedHawk08]

6 months into separation, and the nightmare shows no signs of stopping. Wife is still confused as ever.

 

I'll keep the story as brief as possible, but am so exhausted with the stress of it all.

 

We have been married for nearly 5 years, together for 7. A transatlantic fairy tale romance that everyone admired.

Around December last year, after a couple of years of stressful times, we started to hit trouble. Deaths of two close family members on my side, money troubles, buying into a house we shared with my brother and a lack of privacy from my family. These circumstances slowly pushed me into a depressed state. I became withdrawn and my wife (not one for confrontation) withdrew too.

I received one warning of sorts that I needed to pull myself together. I must admit, my mind really was elsewhere at the time as my grandfather died two days later from a long illness, where he improved and declined almost weekly. Another emotional roller coaster.

 

Unfortunately, the only two people my wife confided in about our troubles were people with their own agenda. One, was a friend fiercely jealous of our marriage, the other was her boss who wanted to bed her. I had seen conversations between them both. All they really did was agree with her every doubt and fear.

I was very hurt, and confronted her. She apologised, rare for her. Life together limped on until mid March when the bombshell was dropped.

 

I received the "I'm not happy" talk. My shortcomings were listed. I took this as a sharp wakeup call. I admitted that I was depressed from all that had gone on, and that I would see a doctor the following day.

The next day, I was diagnosed as suffering from severe depression.

 

To be honest, I started to feel better in days. Just dealing with that black cloud made me feel like life was getting back on track. Even my wife was back to her affectionate self and was proud of me for taking control of my life again.

 

4 days later, the big bombshell dropped. "My feelings have changed" she said.

Then she reeled off all the faults that I was already fixing, and even started to rewrite history on occaision to justify her feelings.

 

The following month was a mess!

We swung between cheerful and friendly talks to full on desperate begging/angry outbursts from myself.

I'm embarrassed looking back. But then, when you're recovering from depression and the only thing that made you happy is looking like it's over... Anyone is going to panic! I even had a mild heart attack over it all. No long term health issues, but that was how stressed and heart broken I was.

 

A month later, she moves out. I still have no idea where.

She continues to call once a week for a month, an hour at a time. We're having fun and she's keeping up on all my improvements. She even asked on one occaision if there was anything she needed to improve.

I really wanted to suggest that she think beyond herself all the time, but I didn't want to spoil the progress.

 

I start to hear more reasons why we hit trouble during this time. So, I instantly start addressing my bad habits, drawing up boundaries with family and clearing my debts. I am also honest about my long held desire to relocate to the US with her. Another issue that was often raised.

 

I asked her to come home to soon I believe. This was refused, "my feelings haven't changed" etc. So my mind instantly raises the divorce question.

We had a few conversations that always ended up like that over the next few months. She would also tell me that various issues we had that I had solved were never an issue anyway. Classic history rewriting.

Every time we seemed to make progress, she would visit her jealous friend and we would be back to where we started.

 

Now, 3 months ago and again last week, I have talked to two people close to her that want us both to be happy. Her mother and a mutual friend that is in the same situation as her. Both have yet to hear the word "divorce" come from her. Whenever steps are made toward it, there is an excuse from her.

 

Her mother dropped many big hints and told me that "I don't know when she's coming back. Just keep doing what you're doing. I'm not saying goodbye yet"

 

Our mutual friend last week had a very long talk with her about our situation. Being completely neutral while explaining that all the issues we had are fixed from my point of view. She also discovered and explained just how many of our previously trusted friends had been **** stirring between us, leading us to take swipes at each other for no reason.

My wife is apparently "still confused". Still clinging to a memory of me at my worst. Blaming her leaving on faults long resolved by myself. Seems to be waiting to see if all the changes will remain. But for the moment she just wants to see me carry on with life and stand alone and be happy.

 

Her weight has dropped to a worrying level. She is struggling financially. She will be quite brutal and cold with me, but appear to be confused about the future when she talks to our mutual friend. Often tearful and lonely.

 

I have backed off completely now for over a month. It is our 5th anniversary in another month.

 

In hindsight, I get angry with myself sometimes for how I've allowed myself to be treated, and how I was so blind to the interfering of people I thought were friends. (One friend has been trying to hook up with her since we split).

Then other times I get tearful that the person I love so much is feeling so lonely and confused.

 

All I want, is for my wife to see me how I am now so that she might forget the memories of me that are keeping her away.

I am 95% sure there is/was no one else. But I can't shake the feeling that she might be running from a guilt a little too.

 

Any advice is gratefully appreciated

[RedHawk08]

Red,

 

So sorry for this very tough time. Sounds like youve done some amazing work on yourself so far! That is awesome and I would continue to find ways to improve yourself and any of the circumstances within your control.

 

Its difficult that at times we feel like were on hold waiting on somebody else decision. The duration is 100% your decision but dont forget that you can become stronger and happier for yourself and by yourself in the meantime.

 

Hang in there man! Best wishes.

 

Cheers Coach!

Yeah, I'm very proud of myself for what I've done in the last 6 months. I kicked depression to the curb, dealt with a lot of my bad habits (defensiveness and withdrawing) by forgiving an old ex of mine, got a new home, cleared debts, drawn boundaries with friends and family, got my self esteem back... the list goes on.

My life is better for the changes and I'm so much happier in myself.

 

Thing is, I still wish she were still by my side so that we could be living the life we always promised ourselves and that we deserve together.

 

Our only two truly neutral parties came out with advice I still carry.

Her mother's hints, and that facial expression that said "Do not F*** this up!" and our mutual friend who said "She's very confused. I don't blame her."

[hinatticus]

Read my story. It's a story where reconciliation does happen. My gf was beyond confused during our time apart. All I can say is keep working on yourself and let the universe do it's thing.

 

Good luck.

[RedHawk08]

Read my story. It's a story where reconciliation does happen. My gf was beyond confused during our time apart. All I can say is keep working on yourself and let the universe do it's thing.

 

Good luck.

 

Your story is very inspiring! Gives me a lot of hope to be honest. You guys looked to be in a far worse situation than we are, and came through. All the very best to you both!

[hinatticus]

Your story is very inspiring! Gives me a lot of hope to be honest. You guys looked to be in a far worse situation than we are, and came through. All the very best to you both!

 

Thanks man. It was by far the toughest thing I've had to go through. I just tried to gather myself up and do the best I could.

 

There are still many things we have to work on, but at least we're doing it as a team. Our son is definitely benefitting from us being together again and that is awesome.

[RedHawk08]

That's the most important thing, working on it together as a team.

Without a doubt, the toughest time of my life too.

However, it sounds like it has made men of both of us. Maybe that was the problem all along. We stopped being men for a while.