How did you make the choice?

[peaksandvalleys]

To those who have decided to divorce how did you come to that conclusion? I seem to be going back and forth. I can't seem to come make and decision and stick to it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Though I still loved her with all my heart, after all I had given up on all the beautiful women in the world, to be hers, and a month later she desperately wanted to reconcile. I knew I could never trust her enough to let her be the mother of my children.

 

To be honest we had only been married 6 months, but we had been together for over 2 years. We had no kids, no community property, so I just walked away and let her get the D.

[peaksandvalleys]

It feels like I want to do that then something stops me. Is it my own insecurities or have I not given him enough of a chance? I just don't know. :(Thank you for responding.

[2.50 a gallon]

Having read some of your other posts I see your dilemma.

 

My thoughts are you only live once, and from what I have read, you are not happy with your life and are searching for answers.

 

As for divorce, at first it is scary. How can I live alone, and will I be lonely for the rest of my life?

 

And most of us, are afraid, that now that the cake has been reduced to crumbs, will we ever find the recipe again, with somebody new?

 

I actually learned to love living alone. I could do what I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted and had no one to answer to.

 

As for love, I had been badly hurt by my Ex and had sworn off of love. That lasted about a dozen plus years, when Cupid shot me in the tucas on our second date and our first kiss.

 

I was one year shy of turning 50, and am now retired and still very much in love with her, coming up on 18 yesrs.

[Digggs22]

Wife cheated on and off and over 3 years.

Seems to be over now over a year passed and swears to never do it again .

I can't get over it,am a family man great husband father etc.

Always around my kids ,coach their sports and really a dedicated and active father.Im confused I think I want to leave her because of what she did but I am not sure.I think what's really stopping me is to think that my wife if 15 years will be with someone else.Have sex etc..How do I get passed that.I don't want to hurt my kids but I can't stand her for what she did. Someone please help !!

Can anyone give me se clarity on this.Posted here because I don't know who to talk to. Help please.

[ChooseTruth]

Diggs, you might want to start your own thread.

 

 

I knew I wanted to end it when I realized that I was going to eventually lose my job and any other job after that because I was so worried about her cheating again. She wouldn't give me the peace of mind of quitting a martial arts class she attended with the OM. I was obsessed with getting her to quick and she was deadset on ignoring me and doing whatever she wanted regardless of her massive betrayal. Btw she got pregnant and miscarried. We'll never know who the father was.

[RonaldS]

Wow...interesting question.

 

I think for me, we went on a break several years before we got married, and she was dating another guy. There was a big scene one day where I went over there and ended our relationship. She freaked out, we got back together, etc etc. I realize now that I never came back to her. I always had one foot out the door. Then, when she became more and more distant, depressed, abusive, dependent, I started to check out. Then she turned the corner to physical abuse. It wasn't a huge thing that she did, and it really didn't hurt, but what it represented to me was a total lack of respect, and then I just quit. It wasn't really a conscious thing, though. More like undercurrents.

 

We lasted another year after that. Then, I had sort of a freak health scare that put me in the hospital for a week. I'm a really healthy active guy, so it was weird for me to all of a sudden have a potentially life-threatening condition arise. It was scary as hell. I went into the hospital in atrial fibrillation. As I layed there hooked up to all kinds of monitors, watching my heart flip out all over the place, I told myself that I really needed to forget the past and totally dedicate myself to my wife and fixing our problems. Then I kinda passed out.

 

When I woke up a few hours later, I went in completely the opposite direction. My life was too short to be that unhappy all the time, and give and give to somebody who couldn't give back, to continue to live a life to which I did not belong. I pretty much went off the deep end, and did everything I could do to destroy my relationship. I knew that's wife was far too weak and insecure a person to withstand me telling her that is wanted a divorce, and that she needed to leave me, so I forced her hand...did some things I'm not proud of or happy about and let her find out.

 

Look, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret hurting her the way I did. It was my low point as a human. But it had to end. I almost hated her by the time we separated.

 

Such a strange, weird, surreal time. But at the end of the day, the relationship ended and that was the right thing to have happen, because nothing was ever going to fix us.

[Kristine]

I was hell bent to get divorced. He just made it easier without working, beating up my son, stuff like that. If I could see 20/20 I would have sought out good therapy at least first. Probably would have saved me from falling apart later.

[keepontruckin]

Well, when you get your ass served with divorce papers early Saturday morning, like I did, there wasn't much of a choice in the matter:laugh:

[vla1120]

I stayed for 17 years after he cheated on me with my best friend while I was pregnant with his daughter. That 17 years was filled with resentment and distrust. In the process, I completely lost myself. I was just surviving and not in a happy way. I even tried leaving once about three years ago, but the guilt trip was too much. I felt he was my cross to bear. Then, I got breast cancer. It was the slap in the face I needed - I had no support from him and went through it by myself. Why would I stay in a marriage, miserable, if I don't even have the benefit of him feigning interest in a health crisis!? What put the nails in the coffin, however, was when I talked to him about this on a Saturday and by Monday, he was meeting women on match.com. Nothing could change my mind now.

[peaksandvalleys]

Thank you for your replies. The choice has been made for me.

[2.50 a gallon]

p&v

 

Sorry about that, but it sure makes making choice easy

[peaksandvalleys]

p&v

 

Sorry about that, but it sure makes making choice easy

 

Thank you.

[SuperGeek]

I am going on 3 years now of being single after my D. I was badly hurt also and pretty much bitter as hell at this point. I'm nearly 34. :/ My social life has literally been reduced to nothing the last year (probably due to depression).

 

Your story gives me just a sliver of hope, but then again, I'm not that lucky.

 

As for love, I had been badly hurt by my Ex and had sworn off of love. That lasted about a dozen plus years, when Cupid shot me in the tucas on our second date and our first kiss.

 

I was one year shy of turning 50, and am now retired and still very much in love with her, coming up on 18 yesrs.

[2.50 a gallon]

p&v

 

Rule of thumb, Cheaters cheat down, the betrayed ones, though it might take some time, eventually always move up.

 

I know I sure did

 

SG:

 

Almost everyone that I have known, have been through a divorce, and that it a lot of people as I began college in the mid 60's.

 

And from what I can tell, almost every one of them eventually remarried.

 

As another poster in another thread pointed out, listen to the words of Bette Midler's "The Rose".

[Monodare1]

We were together for 5 years, three of them married, we grew apart, she made the decision three years ago that we were to move closer to her family as that would be the only way we would have babysitters for any kid/kids, I followed although had misgivings, our son came along and I grew lonelier and lonelier, seeing her friends and family most of the time and my friends and family infrequently due to the distance. Then after our son was born, she became lazier and lazier and left me to do the majority of household chores and looking after our son while she sat or lay on the couch at nite or lay in her bed until the very last minute before we went to work/nursery, I had to watch what she wanted to watch on tv and if I didn't watch the stuff she was watching and went online, she would criticise me, then our conversation dwindled to only being about our son or bills etc, I grew more and more miserable and she did too knowing I was miserable. Our sex life all but dissapeared aswell.Then she made the decision and I couldn't disagree as I had pretty much had enough too by then.

[RightThere]

Rule of thumb, Cheaters cheat down,

 

Amazing how true that is. It shocks me that not only do people put themselves and their family through hell, but they always do it with uglier losers.

[SuperGeek]

Thanks for the kind reply. My walls are hardening more and more each day. It's like my brain wants companionship, but getting my heart torn out just about did me in. I'm over the D now, but I'm filled with bitterness at this point.

 

Thanks again and perhaps I'll post my own thread soon.

 

p&v

 

SG:

 

Almost everyone that I have known, have been through a divorce, and that it a lot of people as I began college in the mid 60's.

 

And from what I can tell, almost every one of them eventually remarried.

 

As another poster in another thread pointed out, listen to the words of Bette Midler's "The Rose".

[2.50 a gallon]

rt:

 

Actually, my OM was a pretty boy, bulked up body builder, ten years younger than myself. The problem was in order to get the bulk he had taken too many of the chemicals that shrink a man's equipment, and then what little he had left suffered from his alcoholism. And she was the type who liked her men at least a little above average.

 

SG

 

Please do start your own thread.

 

With time, most broken hearts can be healed to love again. Yes there might be some luck involved, but you do realize that are a large number of lonely women who have suffered similar fates as yourself, and are on the lookout for some one who will show them the respect and love that they need, so that they too can once again share their lives.

 

p&v is a good example, some day in the future she will be ready to love again.

Edited September 27, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[vla1120]

Amazing how true that is. It shocks me that not only do people put themselves and their family through hell, but they always do it with uglier losers.

 

This is so true! My husband's new girlfriend is the anti-me. She's blonde, petite, a gym/mall fiend, and has never worked a day in her life, the quintessential damsel in distress. He likes to be taken care of financially, so - in the looks department, she may have me beat at this moment, BUT - I'm losing weight, working out, dressing to kill, and once I lose all my weight (20 more to go) I get a free boob job and lypo, complements of breast cancer (sorry for the overshare) and I've always been the career-driven breadwinner. When I'm done blossoming, I'll be quite the catch. He can eat his heart out! To bad I have no interest whatsoever in a relationship. Lol.

[Kelemvor]

Divorce is always a tough decision, but find your own way and not someone else's... as you navigate the divorce dilemmas. You have to ask yourself if you are happy with your situation and could you bear the thought of living the rest of your life if nothing changed whatsoever within your marriage. If the answer is no, then do something to try to change it. Counseling, therapy, personal efforts, communication... I think the effort at repairing the marriage is important, even if it fails... because you can always look back and know that you gave it a shot.

 

After that, it's pretty simple. My marriage was fairly short, but I knew that we both were miserable and I've worked way too hard...with life being way too short... to waste away in a miserable relationship. I was at fault, she was at fault, does it really matter who was more culpable? I don't think so. I assessed the risks and made the decision. It's one of the most difficult that I've ever made. It wasn't easy but I sucked it up and left. I filed for divorce, faced a heinous extortion plot by her lawyer and went through hell to detach my life from this person... but it was utterly and completely worth it. It seems so hard when you're right in the middle and the thought of radically changing your life is naturally inherently fearful, but like all painful experiences in life... it's "water under the bridge" and you float past the rapids and find tranquil water much sooner than you think with the fear and chaos becoming nothing more than a increasingly distant memory.

 

Good luck.