Wife just wants to be friends . . .

[SteveOToole]

Greetings all. Wanted to get some advice on my situation as I don't really have any friends I feel comfortable discussing it with.

 

My wife and I have been married for eight years, most of it happy. However, our relationship really went downhill after we had kids. I love them both to death, but a clash in our parenting styles really brought out a lot of tensions between my wife and I that weren't there before. It got particularly bad after our son was born and we didn't have sex for around a year. Then it started getting better. We resumed intimate relations, I got a better job and I thought my wife was happier. But then, a few months ago, she started talking about how we didn't work as a couple. We stopped all intimate relations - not even any hugging or kissing - and pretty much just kept out of each other's way. I briefly considering starting a relationship with another woman I knew during that time, but nothing came of it.

 

Anyway, I decided to book a surprise trip for our anniversary to see if we could rekindle the romance. Needless to say it was pretty much a disaster. My wife was cold and aloof the whole time and just seemed disgusted that I even attempted it. We had a long talk afterwards and it came out that she has fallen in love with another man she sees on a weekly basis at a local hangout. Nothing has happened yet - I don't think he even knows she has romantic feelings for him - but clearly she wants to pursue a relationship with him. She told me she doesn't want to get divorced and we can still be friends, but she wants to take a year long break where we can date other people while she works out her feelings. At first I thought an open relationship might actually be helpful for us (neither of us had any serious relationships with anyone else before we married) but I soon realized I don't want to date anyone else. I'm still madly in love with her.

 

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in our marriage. I'm a very non-confrontational person and I avoided all the signs that she was unhappy until it was too late. But I still think we can work things out. However, my wife doesn't even want to seem to try. She has no interest in counselling and gets annoyed whenever I bring up my feelings and says I'm being mopey and clingy. She's a very different person from when I married her and I feel like she just may have outgrown this marriage. She says she's confused and may be able to love more than one person, but I think she's just afraid of ending our marriage until she knows whether this other guy will reciprocate. Moving out is not an option since we're a one income family, but being around a partner who doesn't love me anymore is agony. Should I fight for this marriage or does it seem like a lost cause?

[RightThere]

Should I fight for this marriage or does it seem like a lost cause?

 

That is really up to you. You'll get a lot of advice about giving her the 180 and seeing if she comes around.

 

However if you have feelings for her, maybe she wants to see you fight for her. But don't be mopey or clingy. Be confident and assertive. Show you not only are you the man she fell in love with, but a better version.

 

However you may have to put a time limit on it. If she doesn't start to come around at all, then go and do those exiting things on your own so she can see what she's missing.

[GorillaTheater]

Let me use an analogy here:

 

You're in upper level management with a company you love, but which apparently doesn't think as highly of you, because they want to demote you to stockboy. Funny thing is, there are alot of other jobs out there for which folks like you are in demand.

 

Up to you whether to accept a demotion to "friend". I'd pass, were I you. There are much better opportunities out there.

[Purepony]

Friends don't pay for friends if you are one income family kick her out!

Have the new guy she's with take care of her. I would show her what this affair is going to cost her because it sounds to me like she wants to keep you around in case the other guy doesn't want her.

 

She does have kids so it's going to be harder a lot of guys wont to take over somebody else's kids. I would be civil about it , agree then pack all her things and pursue what you want to do. I know it's harder than it sounds to do but you can't be her door mat, it's costing you your life your stress your health and your finances.

Edited September 19, 2013 by Purepony

[Chi townD]

Dude, something is going on with this other dude. She probably already physically cheated on you.

 

The thing is, she showing that she values this other douche rocket more than you. What wife "demotes" a husband?

 

You're right, you need to do the 180. BUT!!!! You shouldn't be living in an open marriage. That solves nothing and she is your WIFE, not your buddy, not your friend. She is the one that pledged herself to you and to you alone infront of God, friends and family. Now, if she doesn't want the job anymore, then divorce. But you are exactly right with your assessment. She's testing the waters to see if he'll commit instead of her being his steady piece of ass. If he does, guarantee you she'll be ready for divorce then.

[mammasita]

She doesn't want a divorce, but wants to take a year off. That's having her cake and eating the whole damn thing too.

 

Don't let her walk all over you.

[GuyInLimbo]

She told me she doesn't want to get divorced and we can still be friends, but she wants to take a year long break where we can date other people while she works out her feelings

 

I'm just laughing over this. What is she, 14? Get real, man.

[littlejaz]

She sounds a lot like my husband. We had a lot of problems that he either ignored or expected me to just deal with because that was just the way he was. Then he lost his job. After that he thought he should be able to continue to treat me like crap while spending his days looking for women to sleep with and I should just pay the bills. Well, we are in the process of getting divorced. He was crazy to think that I was going to support him while he slept with other women, that is not a marriage.

 

You should not support her while she sees if a relationship with another man is going to work out. That is CRAZY.

[Chixmom]

Think 5 yrs, 10, 20 yrs down the road. At the very least, you know 100% there is an emotional affair to carry in your marital luggage. Physical affair, unsure but you will always at least wonder.

 

Are you the type of person who can work through it and always have that knowledge of the person you grow old with? Forgiven, but not forgotten. Can you look ahead and forecast what kind of reaction you wish you had made at this point?

[Misfortune]

She told me she doesn't want to get divorced and we can still be friends, but she wants to take a year long break where we can date other people while she works out her feelings. /QUOTE]

 

Seem like this is the trend for marriages/LTRs. Some people think they can just take a leave of absence out of the relationship to run off with someone else. It's amazing how brazen they are with these declarations. It sucks when you want no one else and they don't want you anymore. I've recently had the same happen to me with my wife and now she's off living with her lover pretending I don't exist.

 

I don't really believe in fighting for anyone's love and affection. No matter what you do, it's their choice. They'll stay/leave if they want to and there's usually nothing you can do about it.

[LilGirlandOW]

 

(A) We had a long talk afterwards and it came out that she has fallen in love with another man she sees on a weekly basis at a local hangout. Nothing has happened yet - I don't think he even knows she has romantic feelings for him - but clearly she wants to pursue a relationship with him.

 

(B) but I think she's just afraid of ending our marriage until she knows whether this other guy will reciprocate.

 

© does it seem like a lost cause?

 

 

(A) Trickle truthing and cake-eating. She's having an affair.

 

(B) The OM is probably married thus he cant be with her full-time OR the guy's playing the field and not interested in a relationship at all, she wants to continue cake-eating up on her nice picket fence.

 

© Only a lost cause if you don't want to open up your marriage.

 

You are madly in love with her, her heart has moved on to OM/AP, but he's not in a place to support her financially so she still needs you for those needs.

[keepontruckin]

Steve, you cannot work things out. There is nothing that you can do.

 

Your wife has moved on to the next dick, and she isn't looking backwards.

 

Trust me, she doesn't care about you. You are a thorn in her side of freedom.

 

Now is the time to protect your assets, if you have any...

 

Now is the time to prepare for the worst, because you are going to get the worst blow that you've ever experienced in your life.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Steve,

 

You can want to save this marriage all you want, but unless your spouse is willing to participate, you are like Don Quixote, tilting at windmills. I can't guarantee that she has been unfaithful yet, but I won't take her word for it that it hasn't happened. She has a vested interest in being untruthful. To top it all off she wants your permission to ride her new pony, until she can determine if he is what she wants. You then would be required to stand on the sidelines, while patiently paying the bills until she decides who she is going to ride off in the sunset with in a year. This is your decision, but that's not the way this cowboy works.

 

Therefore I recommend that you take charge of your life. Consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. Take charge of your finances, get a new credit card and cancel the old ones. Find out the status of bills, if you are not already doing so and keep them up to date. You have to provide essentials not date money. Start setting up time for you and the children to do fun things together. You need to sit your wife down and let her know that you have no interest in an open relationship. She either cuts contact with her boy toy and attends counseling or you file. She will resist and say you are controlling. This is were you limit communication to legal, financial and child issues. Until she comes out of the fog of the affair, she is no longer your friend, buddy or pal. She is the mother of your children and should be treated respectfully for their sake, but that is it between you.

 

This is going to get tough and you are about to enter the emotional roller coaster ride. While you are going to be hurting on the inside, try to maintain your emotions around the family. Physical exercise will help relieve the stress and make a healthier you. Spend as much time as possible with kids and hobbies. Work on personal issues to make you a better you.

[secondfailure]

Steve,

 

You can want to save this marriage all you want, but unless your spouse is willing to participate, you are like Don Quixote, tilting at windmills. I can't guarantee that she has been unfaithful yet, but I won't take her word for it that it hasn't happened. She has a vested interest in being untruthful. To top it all off she wants your permission to ride her new pony, until she can determine if he is what she wants. You then would be required to stand on the sidelines, while patiently paying the bills until she decides who she is going to ride off in the sunset with in a year. This is your decision, but that's not the way this cowboy works.

 

Therefore I recommend that you take charge of your life. Consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. Take charge of your finances, get a new credit card and cancel the old ones. Find out the status of bills, if you are not already doing so and keep them up to date. You have to provide essentials not date money. Start setting up time for you and the children to do fun things together. You need to sit your wife down and let her know that you have no interest in an open relationship. She either cuts contact with her boy toy and attends counseling or you file. She will resist and say you are controlling. This is were you limit communication to legal, financial and child issues. Until she comes out of the fog of the affair, she is no longer your friend, buddy or pal. She is the mother of your children and should be treated respectfully for their sake, but that is it between you.

 

This is going to get tough and you are about to enter the emotional roller coaster ride. While you are going to be hurting on the inside, try to maintain your emotions around the family. Physical exercise will help relieve the stress and make a healthier you. Spend as much time as possible with kids and hobbies. Work on personal issues to make you a better you.

 

I guess I should be condidered lucky becasue she told me to date other people becasue that is what she is going to do.. I must admit she siad that becaseu after I told her what happens if we sepsrte and I have needs and yu are not there??? She was like who syas that when people are just trying to figure out what to do. I guess I am getting what I asked for...

[Chi townD]

No, she said that because if you start seeing other people, then she wouldn't have to feel so guilty about what she's ALREADY doing.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I guess I should be condidered lucky becasue she told me to date other people becasue that is what she is going to do.. I must admit she siad that becaseu after I told her what happens if we sepsrte and I have needs and yu are not there??? She was like who syas that when people are just trying to figure out what to do. I guess I am getting what I asked for...

 

Like many situations here yours is not particularly good, but you are fortunate that there weren't children involved. As hard as it is on us as adults, the poor children are victimized on all fronts. Chi Town is right your wife was not being magnanimous, she did it for her own selfish reason. If you move on, you won't be making her new situation more complicated and it relieves her guilt.

 

Steve's situation is different as she expects him to wait in the wings while she auditions replacements. Some folks may try to wait it out, but not me. I think that you have to value yourself. She may tell him to wait around, but she would not respect him and if it isn't this guy, it will be someone else in the future. For the children the only thing worse than being from a broken home and that is to be in a broken home.

[SteveOToole]

Thanks for all the responses, people.

I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it's over. Everytime I talk to her she seems more cold and distant and tells me that I'm just putting pressure on her and need to stop relying on someone else to be happy. I feel like she just sees me as part of her old life and can't accept me being her partner anymore. I can't afford to move out right now, but I'm hoping to get a better job at the end of the year that will at least allow me to get my own place and try and move on. I'll always love her, but right now I think I need to focus on my own happiness and being there for the kids.

[Cali408]

Get a lawyer and file ASAP.

[SteveOToole]

Latest update: my wife told me she wants to officially announce to friends and family that we're "separated" (even though we're still living together) and she's been getting on so well with the other guy that she thinks he might ask her out soon, and she sees nothing wrong with that. Since we live in a state where you have to be physically separated for a year before you can get a no fault divorce, it looks like I have no choice but to move out and be miserable for a year, since I don't want to move on and start dating until it's final. I guess I could file for divorce earlier on grounds of adultery if she does start dating this guy, but I don't think I'd be able to do that to her. Why do I still love someone who has given up on me and hasn't shown a trace of guilt about how she's been treating me?

Oh well, I have to take responsibility for the mistakes I made and the signs I missed that led to this breakup. I guess I have an old fashioned view of marriage in that it's hard work and just because it's not flowers and unicorns all the time is no reason to quit. I think my wife may find the grass isn't that much greener on the other side eventually, but by then it will be too late because the trust will be gone. All I can do now is focus on the kids and try and make them feel as happy and loved as possible. But I don't think I'll ever get over the feeling of betrayal by the one person I always thought would be there for me.

[Friggia]

Hey,

 

I'm not married, but am in a nearly eight year long relationship.

 

I had the same attitudes as your wife once, they came on at about the 5.5 year mark. I was dissatisfied with the quality of the relationship, had lost weight and all of a sudden became ravenous for attention (my SO was my first sexually).

 

Let me tell you, I have since done a complete 180 on the idea of polyamory and open relationships. When the other partner is still very happy and in love with you (and stays with you), it gradually can create a very, very toxic situation. I will never venture into open relationships ever again. I've ruined my partner, and he's ruined me. I had enough of the complicated situation and am now in no contact. I have no idea what will happen. Not even sure if I want him back.

 

I think other posters are right about her keeping you as a backup in case the situation with the other man fails. I got caught in "the fog" with many a man and am sure I might have done something rash just to keep them around. It's silly and awful at the time but you're wife won't think about this. You need to do a 180 and protect yourself NOW. She might come crawling back sooner than you think but make it challenging.

[2sunny]

She wants to act single? Throw her out with no money! Hire a babysitter for the kids or ask your parents to help!

 

She's screwing you over and expects you to stand there smiling? No way!!!

 

Hit her with reality!!! You want to play? Then you get none of the benefits I've provided you.

 

She can work, earn her own money and provide for herself.

 

She wants to date? Then tell everyone you know (immediately) that she plans to date...and has been plotting and planning with another man.

 

And get your child a paternity test! I'd bet she's been cheating a long time.

 

Hugs

[SteveOToole]

Latest update: So I've been doing the 180 and have stopped trying to win my wife back. Then a few days ago, out of the blue, she tells me that she thinks we can work things out and she's given up on her "crush". I ask her if she wants to start dating again and she says "not right now". But we did do some family activities together this past weekend, which we haven't done for a while. So should I push the issue, or back off until she shows an interest in going on dates? She seems to be genuinely considering reconciliation, but yet doesn't seem to want to discuss it or make any definite plans yet. I'm really confused.

[Cali408]

Steve, how about you decide the way the relationship goes? Seriously, I know you want her back but be a man about it.

 

If you ask her out and she says no, move on. Considering reconciliation? That means all her options are running out.

 

But if I was you, I'd back way the heck off and live a great life for yourself with out her. She needs to know what life is like alone and without you or anyone else. Are you going to be able to trust her again not to pull the same shenanigans? You should be deciding if you want her back.