What Should I Do?

[dvous]

I have been married for 3 yrs to a woman who started out as my best friend. The first year was the greatest, but has gone downhill from there. For the most part I will admit that I have changed alot, becoming a father, creating financial security as the sole provider of our family, etc... but I am still the same person she married.

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I do not know my wife as well as I thought I did, or could say that she was not representing herself the way she claims she has always been. I am now 25, and she is 22, and I am finding that she is still very immature emotionally. In the beginning I was never afraid to talk to her about how I thought our marriage was going, or not going. After 3 years now I am faced with the fact that I feel she is not capable of keeping up her end of a healthy marriage.

 

The word "divorce" has come out of my mouth in the heat of a couple arguements in which I was at the end of my rope, only to be countered by what soon after becomes empty promises. One of my questions is where should I draw the line between my own emotional health, and my marriage vows? I find that when I think that I need to make the move and end everything, all I can thing about is not being with my daughter, and then I'm back to hiding my feelings from her and acting like there is nothing wrong. Since the birth of my daughter, my wife, by choice and my support has been a houswife. I find myself planning how I can downsize my lifestyle to support her financially so that she can get on her feet after the seperation.

 

This has been the sum of my marriage for the last 2 years. I have never cheated, even though the oppertunity has been made available to me many times.

 

Now, I find myself with an extremly consuming problem of finding I have feelings for another woman. She and I have no relationship, friendship or otherwize, only the mutual understanding that we are both curious about what we could have together. She knows I am married, and have a child, and is very respectful of that fact. I have never let on to the fact that my marriage is failing, and somehow I think she knows I am unhappy.

 

This is where I am the most scared, I want to persue this girl, knowing that I am this close to ending my marriage, but am terrified of what my wife would turn my leaving her into.

 

Is is fair for me to start something with this other girl, before getting a divorce? Its going to happen, I am just not emotionally prepared to carry it out just yet. For the sake of my daughter, I would make sure that anything that happened before that time comes is not known, just to make the transition into the situation easier for both her and my wife.

 

What should I do?

[heckno]

One thing I've always thought about most people today, is that we just "throw away" something if it doesn't work. We are a throw away society. It is truly unfortunate that things have gone as far as they have.

 

I feel, that possibly, you feel for another woman because both of you (you and your wife) let things get so bad. You have emotionally driven eachother away, and have let yourself to become open to another because of this.

 

I feel for you, your daughter, and your wife at this point. You both married pretty young and i'm guessing without the proper basics needed to make a marriage survive..like a good strong foundation on the understanding of what at true marriage is supposed to be.

 

It seems from your post, that you and your wifes biggest problem boils down to communication. You feel this way, and she feels another way, but you two can't just seem to meet in the middle. This is often solved by good hard work as a team, and sometimes a marriage counselor.

 

Now, i'm NOT trying to knock on you for wanting to be with another woman. I can understand how it would happen, especially for a young man who is just starting to understand things in life. I;m not much older than you, but I can say that in your 20's, you learn a ton about life and what is wrong vs good. Each year was a total development for me, a total learning process from one year to the next. Although, as far as that woman is concerned, I feel that's the worst possible thing you could do to your family, and yourself.

 

You need to understand what has led you here. And it's not that you and your wife are doomed. It's that you've both let it come to this without proper help from eachother, or an outside source. You love her, you love your daughter, you just feel helpless and hopeless..that's still no reason to leave. I believe that you're both young enough, and the problems are still "new" enough (you haven't been living like this for 20 years, so you don't HATE eachother) that you CAN and WILL work it out. For the sake of your family. Remember the vows you took, remember the look in your daugthers eyes when she sees her daddy.

 

And remember what I said, im not bashing on you for the other woman, but these problems are half your fault too. Maybe if you were more interested in making things work between you and your wife..instead of mentally wandering and pondering with another woman.. things might be better already.

 

Go find a counselor, for gods sakes. Be honest, brutally. If then, you both don't grow up and get better as a couple, then move on. But remember, sometimes these things can take a while, but even if it doesn't, keep seeing a counselor until you both have learned to communicate more effectively and really LISTEN to eachother. Don't use another woman as a scapegoat. Especially at this point.

 

Think about this.. the chances that you and this next woman will work are probably null and void. So, you'll be left alone, kicking yourself in the butt because then, you'll be all alone, without your family, and wondering why in the heck you didn't try a little harder to make it work.

 

I know, because i've been through the same thing. Trust me, what you want to do is no good for anyone at this point. No, not even you.

[kim874]

It will be hard, but be honest with your wife about your fears. If you both want to save the marriage, go to counseling. I would try this at least for your child's sake.

 

<URL removed> is a good site to go to.

 

If counseling still does not help out what's going on, get a divorce. Try to maintain a good relationship with your ex wife, be a good father and provider for your little girl.

 

Stay away from this woman you are attracted to. Don't contact her or use her as a therapist for your marital problems. You are not ready to get involved with anyone else, and such a involvement at this point would only further complicate the problems in your life.

[dvous]

Thanks for the input. Umm... sure we could go into counciling, but what difference is that going to make, when I simply just feel that she is not the person that I want to be with. That I suspect that she feels the same as I do. That I know for a fact that she is probably more concerned with the fact that she would have to start a new life from scratch. I know she is afraid to be alone, of our marriage becoming another statistic, and embarrassed that everyone around us will see that we made a big mistake.

 

So at what point is it ok to just let it go? Just like life, some things just cannot be saved, There are things that happen that are just beyond control. Yes, I do accept the fact that I played a role in the demise of my marriage, but do not want to keep trying to keep it alive only to fail under much worse circumstances. I do not consider that as giving up, no matter what I will always love my wife for obvious reasons, and want her to be happy also.

I dont want to be one of those divorce cases where we both hate each other, our child knows it and is stuck in the middle.

 

As for the other woman, I have made these judgments of my marriage long before she became an interest of mine. I am not using her as an excuse to carry out any decisions I may be making, I Just want to live my life as happy as I can, to make sure my daughter is happy.

 

Although, it may sound like i was asking for advice on how to make my marriage work, I'm not looking for any kind of approval for my decisions, just curious if under my circumstances, given the direction I have chosen for my marriage, if it is a horrible thing for me to let this girl know that I have feelings for her while I have unfinished business?

[kim874]

If you don't feel your marriage can be saved, you need to communicate as honestly as possible with your wife. I would advise contacting a lawyer before you notify your wife. Be prepared and understanding of her feelings, whatever they may be. File for the divorce, and try to maintain as amicable a relationship as you can with her. You are going to have to make tough decisions in regards to any spousal support and child visitation/support.

 

You and your ex wife will still be in contact with eachother, you both need to be mature and responsible for the well being of your daughter. She is the biggest concern here, not anyone else. If both her parents can be honest about their mistakes, and try to move on with their lives without a lot of anger or bitterness, she will be a happier child.

 

Hell, you don't need anyone's approval for your actions, but if you don't want a messy, hateful divorce, deal with the end of your marriage before you make any kind of promises or commitment to this other person. I'll be honest in saying that the a divorce often changes a person's feelings or priorities--they may not want to get involved in a relationship so quickly after ending a failed one. When your divorce is final you can make your decision about a relationship with this woman.

[Mary3]

You don't need our permission to end this marraige.

 

It should be ended if you no longer have feelings and cant conjure up any....

 

Life is too short and its happening NOW

 

Yes of course you could seek counseling and/or continue on 2 more years like this or you can move on with your own life.

 

But if you think protecting that child by staying in a loveless marraige is the best option then you are doing more damage by remaining in it.

Children are keen to our emotions, unhappiness and any fighting that is going on is affecting that child.

The child deserves a happy safe home even if that means shared parenting.

 

If you love your wife then seek help. If you no longer do then you have to either accept there is no love or find some magical way to feel something again....but that isn't the usual outcome for one partner who's feelings change. Or realize your life circumstance have changed and so have you....

[Merin]

IF your question is~ Is it fair to begin another relationship with someone else BEFORE you're divorced.. IMO.. NO it isn't.

 

Regardless if you want to save the marriage or not.. you've already said you're NOT emotionally ready to end the marriage.. so for obvious reasons you're also NOT emotionally available to persue another relationship.. there hasn't been closure to the one you're in.

 

Divorce is a huge thing.. it is closing a chapter in your life that is final.. so I would strongly suggest although it wasn't your question.. that you really be certain it is something you will be able to live with later. It will effect everyone involved.. especially your daughter.

 

Good Luck with whatever you decide.