secondfailure Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 My wife and I seperated 3 weeks ago and we have virtually no contact. She left and told me she needed space. When I saw her last Friday to severe bank accounts, she told me at this point its best we move on. I know what that menas. So I have not contacted her at all. So what happens in 3 months if there has been no contact? I see some posts that say show you wife you have changed but do be mopey or cloingy. How can I show her I have changed if we have no contact. I know the 180 syas do not contact her and if she does not contact me then it was not meant to be bt what if the person wants you to reach out to see if you care???? Does that make sense... Probaly not. I am in such a fog right now I doint know what the hell I am saying... LOL... You have to laugh to keep from crying... Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 How does anyone salvage a relationship when there is no contact? You need contact with someone to have a successful relationship with them. It's over. She's just trying to let you down easy. She's already moved on. So, IMO, just get it over with a file. Call her bluff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 19, 2013 Author Share Posted September 19, 2013 Everything that is being said makes sense. And you are right. My post are all oveer the pl;ace. I will not call her. I just need to get my bearings under me.... Link to post Share on other sites
No_closure Posted September 19, 2013 Share Posted September 19, 2013 Hey, I know how you are feeling. My husband left me 3 weeks ago too. I am on NC with him and I feel like we are playing a game. He doesn't want to give in, and I don't want to give in because I said EVERYTHING I needed to say in my last email to him. If he wants to work it out, he can contact me. If not, I am moving on even though it's painful and how horrible he was to me. But I understand your thread because I feel the same way. Like, if I continue to be on NC will it make things worse or make him realize "Wow I miss her!" but that is wishful thinking... I mean, we are both young which plays a HUGE part in all of this so every situation is different. I honestly think he feels like he has new friends and life is so dandy for him and it is going to hit him when he realizes he is alone and socially akward and no girl wants him. Wishful thinking again? Yes haha. But I will never know. And it is better that way. No contact is best. Link to post Share on other sites
chibisparkle Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Personally speaking, I would like for my husband to fight for me and for our relationship. Did she give explanation of why she wanted to separate? Were there issues that she was trying to tell you about? Example, did she feel you didn't show you cared enough? Assuming there is no one else involved, and if you really love her, I would say please do try to fight for her, write a letter, play a song from a boom box outside her window...something. Don't roll over and wait for the marriage to shrivel up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_closure Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Personally speaking, I would like for my husband to fight for me and for our relationship. Did she give explanation of why she wanted to separate? Were there issues that she was trying to tell you about? Example, did she feel you didn't show you cared enough? Assuming there is no one else involved, and if you really love her, I would say please do try to fight for her, write a letter, play a song from a boom box outside her window...something. Don't roll over and wait for the marriage to shrivel up. I know this wasn't directed at me, but for me, I tried to fight for my marriage. He gave no explanation of why he left or anything. There was and still is no one else involved with him and that's what kills me is that he just walked away. He didn't even tell me to my face that it was over. Even in the text message he STILL didn't even flat out say it. It was just "I don't think this is going to work." then the next morning "Can you pack my stuff?" And he ignored all my attempts of pleading for us to go to marriage counseling. I begged, plead, wrote an email. And NOTHING from him. He just doesn't care. Like I've said before on my other posts, our age is a HUGE factor in all of this. We are just way too young. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 Personally speaking, I would like for my husband to fight for me and for our relationship. Did she give explanation of why she wanted to separate? Were there issues that she was trying to tell you about? Example, did she feel you didn't show you cared enough? Assuming there is no one else involved, and if you really love her, I would say please do try to fight for her, write a letter, play a song from a boom box outside her window...something. Don't roll over and wait for the marriage to shrivel up. We had issues with the way we discipline the kids (we had kids from previous marriages). Our arguments were cut throat, she said she didnt trust her son around me becaseu of my temper. We thought we should sepaerate. She came back and said was I sure. I said yes. Then when I thought about it I saod dont go and she said too late. Now this is where I am.... On a much better note, In another thread I asked for prayer for my dad who underwent surgery to remove a cancerous spot. The doctor said all went well and he will not have to do any chemo!... Thank you to all who prayed.. As far as my situation, I need to realize that sometimes in life although you may love spmene, they may not feel the same way about you. I love her with everyone ounce of fiber in my body but we did not appreciate each other and she is angry with me to the point where she even told me to move on and date other people becasue that is what she is going to do. I need to take alook at myself and feal my broken heart and gain my confidence back.It is so bad right now where I cant even leave the house without crying. But this too shall pass Link to post Share on other sites
No_closure Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 I'm sorry Secondfailure. Did she not even want to try counseling? What kills me is at least TRY before you cop out! I begged my husband but nope. Counseling actually has helped so many couples I know...but you both have to be willing. I wish I could have forced him... Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted September 20, 2013 Share Posted September 20, 2013 Are you sure that she is not involved with someone else? You can not fix a marriage with no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 20, 2013 Author Share Posted September 20, 2013 Are you sure that she is not involved with someone else? You can not fix a marriage with no contact. At this point, I dont know and I am starting to realize I need to focus on me and my needs. I told her I want to be married and no divorce and lets go to counseling. She does not feel that way. It takes two committed people to repair a marrriage. You can beg, pleade, cry, negotiate all you want.. At this very second I think I will throw in the towel. No need to continue to think she will call.. Link to post Share on other sites
No_closure Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 At this point, I dont know and I am starting to realize I need to focus on me and my needs. I told her I want to be married and no divorce and lets go to counseling. She does not feel that way. It takes two committed people to repair a marrriage. You can beg, pleade, cry, negotiate all you want.. At this very second I think I will throw in the towel. No need to continue to think she will call.. I feel you... I wish they would just try counseling. But if their feelings have changed for us then what can we really do? We know we don't need someone like that... we know they were cruel and all these things--- but yet it doesn't change the fact that we love them. And so we have to force ourselves to just accept the fact that we tried and lost. Like you said, throw in the towel... When we don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
NHStrider Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 When my Ex and I first separated she told me she needed a few days away. I honored her request for space. Five days later she returned for a Birthday party for our Grandson then left again. Two week later I had to break the NC because of an issue with one of our daughters. I kept the call all-business until the very end. At that point I said " I miss you sweetheart, good night". Her response was "you don't act like you miss me, you haven't called me". That was the beginning of the most frustrating year of my life. Every day it was like trying to hit a moving target. When I gave her the space she asked for I was "uncaring" when I tried to hold her close I was "clingy". In the end my efforts failed. I know now that I would have been better off with NC from day one but I'm proud of doing the best I knew how to save my marriage at the time. I had waited patiently for her to join me in the fight to save the marriage. I was committed; it was up to her to join in the fight or walk away. One day she said that if we proceeded with the divorce that she wanted to be friends. She wanted her cake and eat it too.That was the moment I decided to take control of my life again. I made it clear to her that if she left I would be cooperative in our parental duties but that she would not be my friend. She had defined the last few years I was going to define the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 22, 2013 Author Share Posted September 22, 2013 That is what I thought. There have been so many times where I have wanted to call to say hello but then it was like you sdaid. When I begged, cried and pleaded it made her angry at me and it made me look weak.. So I decided to use the 180 rule. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. My focus needs to be on me... If she wantas to work on it she know where I am. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts_so_bad Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 I have been seperated for a year and a half now and I can tell you it takes a toll! mentally, physically and emotionally..I was on such a rollacoaster ride of not knowing what to do, how to act, etc etc, just to try and win her back! I would say to myself should I tell her that I love her cause thats my true feelings or should I do no contact but thats actually not my true feelings! It can cause so much brain chatter that it can drive you crazy.. A year and a half out I am finally, Finally getting my head together and I have developed a new philosophy that I want to share with you..Everyone here is trying to help..They are all good people in bad situations or have been in bad situations but you are going to get a ton of different opinions! Which one to pick? You have to go by what you feel is right! Not what anyone else thinks..My new philosophy is very simple and straight to the point and it works for me with any relationship, whether its a friend, neighbor, or lover...Treat people the way you feel they deserve to be treated! Simple as that! You said you already told her you didnt want this..Ask yourself this then..Does she deserve any more attention from you? You can give yourself that answer..I say she doesnt...I think you would agree..If at one point she comes back to you wanting to work it out, again treat her how she deserves to be treated and take it REAL slow and do not show her how into it you are until she shows you..give what you get in return..nothing more cause at that point your not going to know her true intentions... Hope this can help you...I know its helped me easy my mind and finally get a grip on things..There is more pain in being uncertain with yourself then the breakup itself..get your head straight and you will be fine! Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 22, 2013 Author Share Posted September 22, 2013 I have been seperated for a year and a half now and I can tell you it takes a toll! mentally, physically and emotionally..I was on such a rollacoaster ride of not knowing what to do, how to act, etc etc, just to try and win her back! I would say to myself should I tell her that I love her cause thats my true feelings or should I do no contact but thats actually not my true feelings! It can cause so much brain chatter that it can drive you crazy.. A year and a half out I am finally, Finally getting my head together and I have developed a new philosophy that I want to share with you..Everyone here is trying to help..They are all good people in bad situations or have been in bad situations but you are going to get a ton of different opinions! Which one to pick? You have to go by what you feel is right! Not what anyone else thinks..My new philosophy is very simple and straight to the point and it works for me with any relationship, whether its a friend, neighbor, or lover...Treat people the way you feel they deserve to be treated! Simple as that! You said you already told her you didnt want this..Ask yourself this then..Does she deserve any more attention from you? You can give yourself that answer..I say she doesnt...I think you would agree..If at one point she comes back to you wanting to work it out, again treat her how she deserves to be treated and take it REAL slow and do not show her how into it you are until she shows you..give what you get in return..nothing more cause at that point your not going to know her true intentions... Hope this can help you...I know its helped me easy my mind and finally get a grip on things..There is more pain in being uncertain with yourself then the breakup itself..get your head straight and you will be fine! Good Luck! Dude.. I was thinking I was thinkng I have done all I could do and while she was telling me to move on. I told her I love you and she said love is not enough. It was like being stabbed in both eyes and dragged down the road. I get what your saying. I poured my heart out and told her that we both made mistakes and lets see if we can work like hell to fix them. The thing that hurts the most is she even said I know you love me and MY kids but she likes her independence. So I know what I need to do. Its just so hard to start..... Link to post Share on other sites
hurts_so_bad Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 Dude.. I was thinking I was thinkng I have done all I could do and while she was telling me to move on. I told her I love you and she said love is not enough. It was like being stabbed in both eyes and dragged down the road. I get what your saying. I poured my heart out and told her that we both made mistakes and lets see if we can work like hell to fix them. The thing that hurts the most is she even said I know you love me and MY kids but she likes her independence. So I know what I need to do. Its just so hard to start..... You are right..Its very very hard to start but you have to for your own sanity..I went threw it, trust me..The more you continue to see her, talk to her, the more its going to linger..You said you both have kids from previous marriages which should make it easier cause yours are yours and hers are hers..There really doesnt need to be communication betwen you unlike many like myself that have kids together.. You mentioned getting to the gym, buying new clothes, etc..GO FOR IT! You can do this trust me! If I did it with my life in shambles and no drivers license you can surely do it.. You have a huge leg up on me and I did it..T Its hard but try and think of you and only you and let the thought of her seeing and eating her heart out when she sees the new you, be the fuel to your fire! Just remember though, Treat her the way she deserves to be treated! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 That is what I thought. There have been so many times where I have wanted to call to say hello but then it was like you sdaid. When I begged, cried and pleaded it made her angry at me and it made me look weak.. So I decided to use the 180 rule. If it is meant to be it is meant to be. My focus needs to be on me... If she wantas to work on it she know where I am. The 180 is for you... most likely 9/10 when someone leaves and wants out... that IS it..there are some rare examples that lead to them getting back together but it's not the norm and don't hope for it... If YOU need closure, write an email...No begging, no pleading, no demands.. you can just explain how you feel. You can choose to send or not send but let that be your last communication. Most likely the leavers will not respond so as much as you hope, will look for a response... 99.9% its not going to happen so just don't even think about a response. Let that be a closure for you.. get on that 180 track for you... it does help. It hurts....it sucks at times... but there are moments where you find pieces of you again..the you without the person who has helped define you for so long. Aim for finding those pieces..mending the broken ones.. and being whole once again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author secondfailure Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 The 180 is for you... most likely 9/10 when someone leaves and wants out... that IS it..there are some rare examples that lead to them getting back together but it's not the norm and don't hope for it... If YOU need closure, write an email...No begging, no pleading, no demands.. you can just explain how you feel. You can choose to send or not send but let that be your last communication. Most likely the leavers will not respond so as much as you hope, will look for a response... 99.9% its not going to happen so just don't even think about a response. Let that be a closure for you.. get on that 180 track for you... it does help. It hurts....it sucks at times... but there are moments where you find pieces of you again..the you without the person who has helped define you for so long. Aim for finding those pieces..mending the broken ones.. and being whole once again. Than you all for yopur support... It is on of them things where you try and be a good person and you know you have made mistakes and you are so willing to make them right to save your amrriage and maybe the person has been hurt as well.. I love being married.. But at the sametime like you all have said, I need to turn the focus on me. Yesterday a female friend came to my house and we wtahced football.. I was so nervouse I had her park her car in the garage. I think that is crazy. She knows where I am and I am not looking for anythig. I need to learn to forgive myself and accept my mistaakes and learn from them..... Whoever invented the 180s should be given a noble peace prize becaseu it helps you realize that you are important as well 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts_so_bad Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Than you all for yopur support... It is on of them things where you try and be a good person and you know you have made mistakes and you are so willing to make them right to save your amrriage and maybe the person has been hurt as well.. I love being married.. But at the sametime like you all have said, I need to turn the focus on me. Yesterday a female friend came to my house and we wtahced football.. I was so nervouse I had her park her car in the garage. I think that is crazy. She knows where I am and I am not looking for anythig. I need to learn to forgive myself and accept my mistaakes and learn from them..... Whoever invented the 180s should be given a noble peace prize becaseu it helps you realize that you are important as well Sorry but hide her car! I do not believe you should have to do that...You made your intentions clear and she didnt want it anymore..You have every right to do as you please just as she does..I would say next time have her park it right out in front! You may actually get a reaction from your ex! People get very comfortable and secure or as my ex put it "Content" when they know damn well you are waiting for them in the wings..Sometimes they need a wake up call or a scare to make them realize hey! This is for REAL! Your call but I would not have anyone hide their car....She is not giving you what you want out of the relationship so show her that you just may be able to get it somewhere else! Link to post Share on other sites
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