Thanks for the help and advice

[sylviaguardian]

Hi guys,

 

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who replied to my post last week. It helped to get some different perspectives on things. I showed the replies to my H and he cried. We have also talked about counselling and had a very constructive conversation on Friday night. I am feeling better but still feel generally anxious and still feel the need to constantly check phone bills, e-mails etc. I know this is not constructive because it always puts me on a downer but I am obsessed with making sure that nothng starts up again. Can anyone else tell me how they dealt with this? Is it better to believe someone and get on with building the relationship or is a bit of mistrust healthy? My H still works beside the OW - it is hard!

 

I have been really cheered by some of your stories of how you managed to rebuild your relationship so I would appreciate any other advice on how you manage it on a day-to-day basis and how you cope with days of doubt.

 

Thanks a million,

Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian ...

I am feeling better but still feel generally anxious and still feel the need to constantly check phone bills, e-mails etc. I know this is not constructive because it always puts me on a downer but I am obsessed with making sure that nothng starts up again. Can anyone else tell me how they dealt with this? Is it better to believe someone and get on with building the relationship or is a bit of mistrust healthy? My H still works beside the OW - it is hard!

 

I know how it feels to be obsessed with 'evidence gathering'. It makes you feel a little crazy. All I can say is that once you have made the decision to trust, you'll have to remake that decision EVERYDAY for a while.

 

I don't know how long, because I'm still doing it and it's been 7 months! Try looking at the word 'trust' as an action verb, something that you do everyday. Sorry, I wish I could describe it better than that.

 

Is it possible for him to change jobs? It's soooooooo much harder to get over an emotional affair when the OW is still on the scene. Sometimes it can't be done.

[DazednConfused]

I am not on site much anymore, but was buzzing thru.....

 

I think we all probably have different ways of coping; most of us can testify that time is your best friend in this situation.... time will dull the pain and anger. I sometimes think that we as betrayed spouses have a tendency to become attached to the "victim" role that we play. As "victims", it is easy to start to feel sorry for yourself, angry with others, and frustrated that things aren't the way you made them. Stop being a "victim". For most cheaters, their spouses were hardly a consideration when they entered into their affair, and the hurt that you are feeling was most definately not intended nor considered by your cheating spouse. Much like a car accident in which you get plowed by another driver who was looking the other way. You have injuries, but you can't really be called a "victim".

 

When you start on your daily down spiral, try to realize that you have recreated the hurt within yourself, and then turn it around. refocus your energy elsewhere, read a book, knit a sweater, ride a motorcycle, whatever you do for yourself for fun. When all else fails, I hack away at a railroad tie with a small hatchet until I am physically exhausted.

 

Time, time, time. There will come a day when you can truly forgive and move on, until then, get to know yourself and control.

 

I am happy to read of your progress so far, and wish you the best.

 

-Dazed

[sylviaguardian]

Wow, evertime I post here I am amazed by the responses. ladyJane - I neve thought of it like that. I suppose I am still waiting for the day when 'everthing is alright'. I suppose things won't be the same as they were before and I am ging to have to wrok hard against the moods I get into.

 

Dazednconfused - thanks, you have a lot of insight. I was just thinking this morning on the way to work that one of the hard things is that my H could hurt me so much. I guess you are right - he may not have considered that at all.

 

Thanks again - am feeling a bit less paranoid today!

 

Sylvia

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry that he is still working w/ the OW. That has to be so hard. I know what it's like. My H worked w/ the OW also. He was her supervisor. It wasn't like he could avoid her. He had to talk to her. It tore me up knowing at 6:30 am until 5:00 pm he would be around her. I hated it. What made matters worse is that since we were seperated and I lived 90 miles away I just couldn't drop in and see him whenever I felt like it. A few months after he broke it off w/ her she turned him in to HR and they fired him (long story). I was upset that he lost his job but only b/c of financial reasons but in reality it was the best thing she could of done for us. I heard the next day she was in the office crying. Whether it was about her getting him fired I have no clue. I think she would of tried to keep the friendship going even though dh didn't want to. He told her that their relationship would be work related only. I don't know if he would of stood by that by I do know that I didn't want him working w/ her. I didn't want to ever see her again (I knew her, she knew me, she knew we were married). Anyhow, my 2 cents on the working 2gether situation...can your H find another job? If not does he have to work in the same department or the same area? I would want those two seperated as far as possible. I sure hope things work out for you.

[sylviaguardian]

That all sounds pretty similar. My H told the OW that they could not communicate about non-work things and tried to keep a professional distance. It would not be easy at all for him to change jobs - for one thing he has only worked there less than a year and it would not look good. Also, part of me feels why should he have to change his job etc while she stays happily in her position (her h knows nothing about the affair). She is his boss which makes things harder in a way.

 

Anyway, although he had told her work-related only, a couple of weeks ago I looked through his e-mails and found one from her along the lines of 'thanks for your support - you've made me feel better...and so much more'. When I read it I honestly thought I'd been turned to stone. I couldn't move. I thought they were continuing on with it behind my back despite everything my H had said.

 

I drove to his work with the intention of telling him that it was finished and not to come home. When I confronted him he insisted he had kept his side of the bargain and that he had done nothing wrong. He had been surprised to get the e-mail and had deleted without replying (I checked this).I have seen him lie so many times now, that I knew he was telling the truth.

 

The thing is that although he had been keeping his distance, and conducting things in a professional manner, she was (or is) determined to keep going. I was so bloody angry, but this time so was my H because he felt it undermined all that he had been trying to achieve.

 

Anyway, I agree with you. I would be a lot happier if they weren't together at all. However, I can't change the situation so I'm just hoping that seeing how much he has hurt me would stop anything further developing. He knows that one more thing will be enough for me to call it a day.

 

Syl

[Pocky]

You can't stop someone from cheating. He's going to cheat regardless of how many road blocks, tests and hoops you set up for him to jump through. Your attempts to thwart his infidelity will just make him find different ways of hiding it if he decides to cheat again. You either make the decision to trust him and take a chance or you leave. Trying to intervene all the time by denying him his right to privacy and driving yourself crazy by snooping is going to have more of an affect on your relationship than you think. By behaving this way you continue to perpetuate your own misery.

 

You have decided to give him another chance. Then do so completely just like you want him to be completely faithful.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Pocky

You can't stop someone from cheating. He's going to cheat regardless of how many road blocks, tests and hoops you set up for him to jump through. Your attempts to thwart his infidelity will just make him find different ways of hiding it if he decides to cheat again. You either make the decision to trust him and take a chance or you leave. Trying to intervene all the time by denying him his right to privacy and driving yourself crazy by snooping is going to have more of an affect on your relationship than you think. By behaving this way you continue to perpetuate your own misery.

 

You have decided to give him another chance. Then do so completely just like you want him to be completely faithful.

 

 

Sorry Pocky but I have to disagree on part of your reply. If her H is wanting the marriage to work then she has every right to check his emails, his cell phone, everything until there is complete trust back. I still haven't gotten all my trust back and it's been over a year since my own dh's A. I still check dh's cell phone bills, his emails, ect. All in front of him. He doesn't care. He knows that he screwed up and he realizes that it will be awhile b4 I can 100% trust him like I did b4 his affair. My dh is the type of person who would of been annoyed by all this b4 he had his affair, but he understands and he has no problem w/ me checking things out.

 

You can't regain that trust again so soon after an A. I hope that I can trust my dh again. I trust him but not 100% like I should but I know one day I will. He understands and accepts why I don't completely trust him.

[sylviaguardian]

Pocky - I am only too aware that I can't stop him continuing if that's what he wants to do. However, if it did all start up again I would want to know the first week and not 18 months later like I have now.

 

My H works with this woman. The alternative to looking at his e-mail etc (which he knows I do) is to sit at my own work and wonder. I am sorry but I just can't do it. I agree with you that it is destructive but at the moment I have to do it.

 

Like Stillhurtin's h, mine is fine with it. It's not like I'm snooping through the e-mails - just looking for her name.

 

What can I say? I don't like what I've turned into either.

 

Sylvia

[StillHurtin]

sylviaguardian, try not to be so hard on yourself about not having that trust back. Maybe I am a real b!tch but I don't care if I go through H's things. I don't feel like I dislike myself b/c of it b/c I don't. He is the one that screwed up by having an A. He should deal w/ it and realize that I am going to be snooping through his cell phone for her number, or any other numbers I don't reconize. As long as he is fine w/ it then I don't see it causing problems. And as far as this trust issue goes. Dh hasn't ever trusted me and it has caused problems b/c I have done nothing wrong to prove to him why he can't trust me. If I had an A then I could see why he would be questioning phone numbers, ect.

[lovesucks]

Slyviaguardian,

 

I have been in the exact same situation of where you have been. My husband has been having an emotional affair for almost 8 months with an intern whom he works with 3 times a week. One night, he came home and pour out all the misery to me claiming that I neglected and mistreated him for years and he has been very unhappy. He brought up all the problems he had with me (basically blaming me for almost everything) and at the end he told me he was involving with an OW for 2 weeks. At first, I really blamed myself. I thought I was not doing or giving enough so I stayed at home for 7 months, trying my best to make up on my side and hoping that he will realize one day my effort to save our marriage. For 7 months, I basically let the affair continue in front of my open eyes, despite a few times I requested my husband to give up the affair but he refused. I thought somehow I just needed to give him time and perhaps his passion or intense feeling for the OW would eventually die out. But 7 months later, after he failed so many promises of leaving her, I realize it is hopeless. One of my bargains with him was to ask him to cut all contacts and to quit his job - a clean cut. He claimed often that he wanted to stay with me but he was very reluctant to quit the job because of financial reasons. 3 weeks ago, I have reached my limits of being patience and understanding. I could no longer put up with this ridiculous situation. After giving him one last ultimatum, I left. He is unable to leave her. I moved out. I still love this man that's why it has been the hardest thing I have to do in my life.

 

I am convinced, as long as there is any contact to be maintained, be it physical, verbal or visual, it is almost impossible for the affair to end. This is it with my case. My husband told me in tears many times he wanted to withdraw from her but he is unable to. A lot of it has to do with the OW who is still keeping it going. She doesn't let go and she still works with him 3 days a week. Given the situation, the love affair, especially an emotional affair in this case, will never stop, no matter what the husband says he will do. What I am trying to say is the affair will not even BEGIN to come to the STOP sign before the involved feelings start to die out.

 

The affair will not really end until both your husband and the OW have mutually agreed it is over and that restrictive terms should be respected and followed to guarantee a clean cut. This is why affair is so hard to stop because mostly it doesn't end with a honest and mutual consent.

[Owl]

I've got to agree...the only way for it to be over (and the only way for you to know that it is) is to totally end all contact with other person. As long as there is any possibility of the affair (emotional or otherwise) continuing, then he'll never focus 100% of his attention on rebuilding your marriage. Look at my post where my wife had an emotional affair...you'll see what I'm talking about. It took nearly a month and a half for my wife to finally keep her NC with the OM...and they're relationship hadn't been going on more thant 3 months at the very top....closer to six weeks from what I'd seen.

 

You're spouses need to find a way to break all contact...even if that means losing this job and moving somewhere else. They need to understand that they HAVE to do this if they want to keep you in their lives. Its that simple. Otherwise, I would have some serious doubts about how long you'll be able to work things out.

 

Sorry that you're going through this...I KNOW what the pain is like. And the doubt, mistrust, etc...