A misunderstanding. Is it about controlling each other??

[Mike]

I have a problem with this girl that I know. Our relationship is nothing serious, but it is now confusing.

 

She was at my apartment the other day and she wanted some money to take a taxi. I joked that I didn't have any money--trying not to smile while doing this not to let on. We usually joke around so I thought that she would get the picture. Instead she just left my room without saying a word. I had thought that she was just playing a game and waiting outside or would be coming back inside to say "why not?". Well, after a minute or two I realized that she was gone after I checked outside my door then the building. I couldn't see her even when looking off my balcony.

 

I then thought if she wants to just go then I'll let her. A few minutes I decided that I better look for her outside, but ended up not finding her. Now after we've talked a couple of times on the phone she was really cool to me, even though I had mentioned that it all was a big misunderstanding. I apologised to her a few times, but it didn't seem to change matters. To me, if she doesn't want to continue the relationship then I'll respect that, but I'm confused why she's like this.

 

The only point that I can come up with is that it seems like she enjoys being in control. Most likely she wanted me to run after her on that day and find her. Maybe she didn't want to come back into my room to see if I was joking or not (losing control of the situation?). Many times when we were out together I saw a pattern. For example, if we went to a CD store, for example, and she looked at one thing and I looked at something else she would never come over to me to see what I was looking at. I would also have to go over to her--countless times. Any connection with the way she just left my place and wanted me to follow?

[Tony T]

This has no relationship at all with control issues. If she wanted to be caught up with, she wouldn't have disappeared so quickly. This may have remotely resembled a control episode if the two of you had been in a more intimate personal relationship.

 

What it really has to do with is mindreading. A lot of people, men and women, think their minds can be easily read by their friends or mates.

 

In your case, when she asked for money for a taxi, she just assumed that you could read her mind that she wasn't feeling good, she was in a hurry, she was embarassed to have to ask for the money (for a lot of people, having to borrow money is a very sensitive issue and eats at their pride), it was that time of month, she wasn't in her usual joking mood, etc., etc.

 

Once she got started on her journey, she probably got to thinking how stupid she acted but instead of being mad at herself, she's decided to keep on going and cop an attitude toward you later. It shouldn't last too long. You've apologized.

 

In the future, be very sensitive towards people who ask for your help. This is a position truly decent people, who aren't users, can't stand to be in. Do what you can to help them and understand their need without too much fanfare...and especially without joking. If you can't help them in any way, be very sensitive about how you tell them. There are some people who would rather die than have to ask anyone for help, especially financial assistance.

 

If she can't accept your apology, she's not much of a friend. But be understanding about how she feels. There was much more going on in her mind when she asked for cab fare than she will every tell you.

 

Probably the most logical explanation for her behavior is that people are just WEIRD!!!

[Laurynn]

Sounds to me, based on the couple of examples you've given, that she's possibly a bit of an attention seeker?.....likes to be the 'main focus' and if she isn't, or doesn't get her "way", she'll stomp off like a little child does when told they can't have an ice cream cone.

 

My first question, why didn't she have enough money to pay for a taxi herself? How would she have gotten home otherwise?

 

I think it's a little bit of a 'red flag'....the fact that you had to apologize more than once for her to finally get past this. Does she have a habit of holding onto things that bother her?

 

Possible she has a bit of an attitude and expects everyone and everything to "stop" for her....to cater to her needs and cater to them NOW. Impatience.

 

Just my $0.02 (tax included)

 

Laurynn

[nycesq]

I never thought that I would see someone talk about.....my MOM! Tony is right on....this is not a control issue. You are reading way too much into it. A person who acts like that is a person full of pride and hates to ask for things. If my mom asks for something (rarely done) and you give her an answer which is not, "Yes, of course!" she will be hurt. It is because it is so incredibly difficult to ask for things. Maybe your lady friend had forgotten to bring enough money or had expended it during your evening together. In either case, her reaction should tell you that she obviously did not enjoy asking you for cab fare and that your "joke" hurt her feelings. Call it ridiculous, call it hypersensitivity, but I would rather have someone have a problem asking for favors bcs. they will never use you. Whether you care to continue the relationship is irrelevant. If you have any feelings toward her, you should apologize and try to keep in mind in the future that some people will react this way.

[Deejette]

Sometimes joking is just not appropriate, but how were you to know? This is truly a simple misunderstanding, with her thinking that you were not really there for her. Therefore, if you speak kindly to her about this little incident, I think her feelings will mend.

I never thought that I would see someone talk about.....my MOM! Tony is right on....this is not a control issue. You are reading way too much into it. A person who acts like that is a person full of pride and hates to ask for things. If my mom asks for something (rarely done) and you give her an answer which is not, "Yes, of course!" she will be hurt. It is because it is so incredibly difficult to ask for things. Maybe your lady friend had forgotten to bring enough money or had expended it during your evening together. In either case, her reaction should tell you that she obviously did not enjoy asking you for cab fare and that your "joke" hurt her feelings. Call it ridiculous, call it hypersensitivity, but I would rather have someone have a problem asking for favors bcs. they will never use you. Whether you care to continue the relationship is irrelevant. If you have any feelings toward her, you should apologize and try to keep in mind in the future that some people will react this way.

[amelia]

She wants attention, Mike. I would suggest that you and her sit down and have a serious conversation. Note that the key word is serious so no jokes! And, maybe playing jokes like that doesn't help the situation. If you do care about her and the feelings are mutual than I would try to have a conversation and examine together why you play games with her and why she feels a need for control or attention or whatever it may be. As a warning, it may became a heated converstation and hurtful things might be said but if the relationship was meant to last, you will both be able to get beyond the pettiness and the arguement will hopefully make your relationship stonger!