Love is something, relationship is something else

[someone43]

We were together for 9 years, then she said she does not love me anymore.

 

We broke up with me 9 months ago. Tried for a month to get her back but that didn't work. Got despret, cried in front of her couple of times, and many times at night alone. Felt like the world is worthless, totally worthless.

 

Went into a denial stage, hoping she does not mean it, and she will be back one day. Read lot of articles on the internet, several books about separation and divorce, to understand, and get some hope, I needed hope, even if it's false!

 

What I understood from all what I read is just to accept the fact and move on, time will let her back, or heal the wounds if she didn't, win-win situation.

 

I did moved on, worked on myself, learned new things, focused on my work, spent time with friends, and I admit, it worked. Things got better. But non of these things made me:

 

1. Forget her

2. Open to love someone else

 

All the people say you will get better and you'll find someone better. But the problem is: what if you are not looking for someone good? When you truly love, you just want that person you love, no matter how he or she is.

 

That women I love, I know it, she is not the nicest girl, and she has many flaws, but love is blind, relationship is not. Love cannot be replaced, relationships can.

 

Sometimes, during these 9 months, I feel like I got over her, that I'm ready to meet another women, but few days later, I realize I still love her, and want no one but her.

 

Many times I feel this life has no value without her. I just do what I do, work, friends, travel, eat, because I've to, but I don't feel joy, I don't feel the meaning of life, it's lost since she's gone.

 

When you find yourself able to move on and love someone else, that means you didn't love the previous person. You just liked him or her

 

That's why we have several friends, but one lover

 

There is no love, and unconditional love. Love is always unconditional

 

Friendship, relationships, attraction and crush, those are the conditional ones. And that's we have several, and replace them from tine to time

 

So, if you loved someone who left you, be prepared for a single life, there is no replacement your mind and heat would accept. It will be a worthless life too, but keep smiling though, it's all what you've to feel better for a while

[vla1120]

I would like to think that, with time, there will be healing and also recognition of perhaps flaws in the relationship. I understand what you are saying about not wanting anyone else. I cannot picture myself being with anyone ever again, which is sad. I'm not THAT old.

 

Reading your post reminded me of my 17-yr-old daughter's feelings. Her first love broke her heart. Two years later, she is still completely devoted to him. I don't understand that kind of blind commitment. He hurt her to the core, but just the other day, he contacted her. She dropped everything to hang out with him. I don't get it.

 

I hope someday you open yourself up to finding someone who reciprocates your love for them. You deserve that. We all deserve that.

[someone43]

Hi vla1120,

 

Love is not a project, if it went well, I'll continue, if it didn't, I'll just stop it, or I'll accept that it's being stopped, and move on to another one

 

When you truly love, you do not care about flaws. I already recognize the flaws in our relationship, but I'm ok with them. Aren't all relationships have flaws? It's love what makes you accept those flaws and live with them

 

As for you daughter, I wish the best for her. But with me, even if my love came back to me someday (she won't), I won't jump on her arms. I'll set and talk, try to open both hearts, and be totally honest to each other, to make sure she won't do it again

 

I prefer to live with a broken heart, rather than a shredded one

[mkrainy]

I understand how you feel. It's exactly as how i am feeling right now. My husband divorced me nine month ago and it should be just finalized now. I tried to contact him on and off through the past 9 months and did lots of IC myself. I read tons of books and tried NC many times and longest is 2.5 months.

 

Nothing is useful. When the person done, he/she is done. nothing can make them see the hard work you had done. They won't feel or see your love. They do not love us anymore that's why they could not contact us.

 

Today, i received another business format kind of email from him about our bank account. I couldn't do it anymore. So i told him I would block all contact including email. Anything no matter it's business like email will trigger my emotion and make me cry whole day.

 

I could not love anyone anymore. He hurt me to the core as well, I was hoping he could return but I gave up the hope and I knew the hurt he gave me i could never forgive him anymore. I still love him and wish him happy. I hope time could heal us.

[2.50 a gallon]

It has only been 9 months, from what I have read figure on at least 2 years is the average length of time to get over this.

 

When I was at your stage, 30 plus years ago, I was still having problems getting an erection of my partner was single.

 

My Ex was not only beautiful, but had one of the sexiest bodies that I have ever been with. As I have posted before, was truly fold out material. My way of thinking was if I have to chose just one woman to spend the rest of my life with, why not grab the prettiest and sexiest one.

 

I was like you in a way, I was sure that I would never ever love again. In fact I was determined to never be that weak again.

 

Immediately after the break up, I was determined to move on in life and get back in the dating scene as quickly as I could. I ended up having an affair with one of the OM's wives, about a month later.

 

She came by our apartment complex with hew new boy friend to party with our next door neighbor, paid me a visit to rub her new BF in my face. And immediately noticed I had a whole new attitude, then putting 2 and 2 together, checked out bedroom and knew that I had not slept alone. She did an immediate 180 and began begging me to take her back. Even went so far as to go outside and let the neighborhood know at the tope of her lungs at what a loser her new boy friend was in bed.

 

For the next 3-4 years she tried repeatedly to get us to reconcile.

[someone43]

mkrainyو

 

I'm sorry to hear that, and wish you the best luck with your life.

 

In my opinion, and from what I've gone through for 9 months so far, time will never heal. My heart will always be broken, and I would never be able to love someone else, or be with someone else. I'll always want her, and that will never happen

 

Time never heals, but makes you realize what happened just happened, that saves you from false hope which might cause more pain. The existed pain will always be there, nothing will heal it

[2.50 a gallon]

You say you can't move on in life without her. Have you ever thought that this might be one of the reasons she broke up with you?

 

Did she ever use the terms, "clingy" or "needy"?

 

We men tend to judge a woman by her beauty her sexuality, while women, do notice this, they are more likely to fall in love with a man who is confident in life and don't need them to make him happy. That is the type of man they are looking to share their lives with.

 

We are not immortal so therefore all relationships are doomed. Even the most happy loving couples have to face the fact that at some time in the future one of them will leave.

 

Can you walk? Can you see? Think of all the people who can't who would kill to be able to do something as simple as walking over and turning on the TV, and being able to see and listen to it.

 

Do you have enough food on the table, so that you can get a good sleep at night without being kept awake by hunger pains?

 

That alone puts you ahead of about half of the world's population.

 

My friend think of all the blessings that you have, including the country that you live in.

 

And you are going to give them all up because a woman said good bye?

[mkrainy]

mkrainyو

 

I'm sorry to hear that, and wish you the best luck with your life.

 

In my opinion, and from what I've gone through for 9 months so far, time will never heal. My heart will always be broken, and I would never be able to love someone else, or be with someone else. I'll always want her, and that will never happen

 

Time never heals, but makes you realize what happened just happened, that saves you from false hope which might cause more pain. The existed pain will always be there, nothing will heal it

 

I am not sure I will fall in love with anyone anymore as well. I am still young, only 29. I knew one day I might able to meet new guy again, but I know he will always be in my heart. However, what's done is done, no matter how much we wanted the other person to come back, it's over.

 

I tended to think it's not over forever, but now I have accept that it's forever. I still miss our old life everyday and the memory, but I will never go back to that. I cry everyday about it, but I will never get back with him.

 

Time won't heal the broken heart with that person. I believe it might able to create new happy memory. Be positive about our future is the only thing we could do now even I still upset about the past everyday. However, it's the past and we couldn't change the history. We are the only one can control our emotion. I hope both of us can heal and be happy again someday.

 

You are not alone...many people with you in this forum so just come up whenever you wanna vent. I know sometimes I feel sick to talk to my friend again and again as well.

[NYWoman]

Mr. Gallon has given you some great advice. As long as you've got your health, the sky is the limit for what you can do in life.

 

As for love, listen to the words sung by Bette Midler in "The Rose"

[someone43]

I want to add this:

 

From what I've read on the internet and in books, what most people feel when they are dumped, is loneliness and rejection. This is why self-confidence and hanging out with friends heal them and put them on track again, and then they can get into another relationship after that

 

But when you love, when you really love, it's not about being alone or lack of confidence what's destroying you when your lover leaves you

 

2.50 a gallon,

 

Thanks for the nice words

 

It's not about 9 months or 9 years. It's all about the stages you cross. It's almost Kübler-Ross model for grief:

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

You may cross them in 1 month, and you may need 10 years, depends on the person strength. But when you cross them and you still feel you love that person, that means you'll always will, and will always want him/her only

 

I've never been needy and she never used these words. Yes I was needy when she broke up, like for a month, and then stopped it immediately, respected her decision, and kept the sadness for myself

 

Every human being knows there are people who are in a much worse case than his/hers, but knowing that never helps, never ever, because our minds know things can be worse, it always can

 

Money, food, health, do not give the life a value. It's who "we want" to share those things with, what does

[someone43]

mkrainyو

 

I don't want to be pessimistic here, but I think even us, cannot control our emotions, neither we can meet new people to devote our lives to

 

To me, I can never be with someone if I still have feelings to my ex, and that's why I think I'll be single my whole life

 

Yes we can be happy at times, but once we remember that person and how much happy we would be if these good times are with him/her, that will flip the coin upside down

[NYWoman]

someone

 

43 - Is that you age?

 

In order to try to help us to better understand your situation can you give us some more information.

 

Am I correct in that you never married?

 

Her reason for breaking up with you was that she fell out of love with you?

 

Do you suspect that there was another person involved?

[someone43]

NYWoman

 

That was a nice song, thanks

 

I appreciate your concern, but I stopped looking for answers months ago. Looking for them bring nothing but more pain

 

I didn't write what I wrote looking for answers or help on my case. I just wanted to exchange general opinions

 

I really appreciate your concern, thanks a lot

[mkrainy]

Sometimes the answers could be anything. Even she might not know the answer. No one knows what the future hold. The emotion we are feeling right now is just at the current moment.

 

We couldn't do anything except go along with it. Surrender the faith to the god and if it's mean to be, it will. Things happen for a reason, you lost something, but you gain more experience.

 

She might come back tmr, you might fall in love with other girl next week. We won't know what happen except trying to be optimistic.

 

Currently i also couldn't feel i could fall in love with anyone anymore. However, no one knows..as you said, even I couldn't control my own emotion. My heart could still feel the pain everyday and I still cry everyday given everyone thinks I am a very out going and happy person. However, only people who go through the same process could understand that the pain is not easy to be eased if you ever trust that she/he is "the one".

Edited September 21, 2013 by mkrainy

[2.50 a gallon]

s.43

 

When My Ex and I broke up I was so deeply into the bottomless pit of a dark hole of despair, that I can remember wondering if I would ever be able to even laugh again.

 

As for me ever loving again, that was totally impossible, and to make sure I would never be that weak again, daily I worked at strengthening my walls with rebar, building them higher and thicker, so nothing and no one would ever get past them again. I lived a life of "I am a rock, I am an Island"

 

Several years later, I began an on / off relationship with a gal a dozen years younger than myself. She worked out so had a great tight body to go with her beautiful face and hair. And as an added bonus she had a Mensa IQ, with degrees from one of the leading universities in the world, in microbiology, chemistry, and a minor in math, and later when back to get a third degree in computer science. And she like me kept up with the latest finds in science and she was able to explain complicated such as string theory. We could spend the whole weekend just talking. And she was also a millionaire, several times over. She was forever trying to get me to go on all expenses paid trips, to Hawaii, Bermuda, cruising the Mediterranean. The last offer was a trip to Tahiti, for scuba diving, something that I had always wanted to try.

 

I almost fell for that one, and it scared me so bad that I packed up my stuff and moved a thousand miles away, back to my home town. I was that determined to never let love get me again

 

Three years later, second date, with a gal who was barely making a little above minimum wage, with her GED, her first kiss melted my mighty walls in a nanosecond. I was in love again. There was no defense.

[mkrainy]

s.43

 

 

 

Three years later, second date, with a gal who was barely making a little above minimum wage, with her GED, her first kiss melted my mighty walls in a nanosecond. I was in love again. There was no defense.

 

I guess that's what I mean, never say never. Even I couldn't feel and see it now, it might happen at the most unexpected moment. Things all happened for a reason

[2.50 a gallon]

I have been totally in love at least 3 times, my Ex-fiancé, Ex-wife and my current lady. Just because I was able to with time, re-find love a second and third time, does not mean that I never loved my two Ex's to the top of my finger tips. I indeed loved them with all my heart, as I now love my current lady.

 

In fact as for my Ex-fiancé, I truly wish her well, and truly hope that she has had a great life and her present life finds her with several grand kids to spoil. As Spock says, I wish her to "Live long and prosper"

 

As for the Ex-Wife, I am indifferent. There was a lot of disappointment there, but at the same time, our relationship had some shining times, which I will never forget. Like her tradition of decorating our Christmas tree in a see through outfit she bought at Frederick's, in high heels and fish net stockings. It was Hefner eat your heart out.

 

The point is with time, the strong feelings that I had for my two Ex's faded, and when love once again came knocking on my door, I was able to once again love with all of my heart.

 

Yesterday was gone, it was time to once again fill my life with love

[2.50 a gallon]

mkrainy

 

That love will appear in a persons life, when they least suspect it has long been my theme on LS.

 

Love will find a way! How this happens is still a mystery I hope we never solve

Edited September 23, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[Misadventure]

You guys give me hope.

[mkrainy]

Sometimes we learned our mistake in the most tremendous way. We will become better person than before. Even though we couldn't change our ex's mind and make him/her realize that we truly changed and come back to us, we still gain from the experience. My friend told me you always gain something when god takes away something from you. You might not even notice what you have gained now. One day, when the new love showing up, you will appreciate the things you learn from the past. You will be more ready and have better relationship than before.

 

Someone who truly love you will come back to you. If not, then that mean we might need to wait a bit and I believe in destiny.