Need serious input guys!

[Romaks]

Please Please let me know what you think?

 

I've posted this a few times before and it seems that the thread just gets lost every time.

 

I'm 19 and I just started my second year of college. I've been dating a girl from my high school since late in the summer after I graduated (she's 2 grades below.) My college is in the same town, so it's not a long distance relationship since I haven't gone anywhere.

 

Things quickly escalated between us, and we fell deeply in love. We were inseparable and we both agreed that the year has been the best that we've ever had. We both liked to talk about how sure our future is together and how perfect our kids are going to be and so on. We never really fought, except about petty things, and we maintained a deep connection with each other. She would always write me these love letters, and it could never let me leave when we were together and when I had to take her home. We NEVER stopped talking and we ALWAYS had an on-going conversation about how it would be like to be married, live together, and have kids.Things were more than perfect and I know it's the happiest either of us has ever been. In regard to intimacy, I was her first everything but kiss, and she just loved the fact that I'd be the one making love to her for the rest of her life.

 

Recently, a few weeks after our 1 year anniversary (which was the best day/weekend we spent together by far) she all of a sudden starts talking to me differently. I could tell that something was clearly wrong, but she would not let on as to what even though she tells me everything. After a day or two, it starts driving me crazy, and I have a break down.

 

I finally convinced her to tell me what the problem is. She's been talking to this guy (a classmate of hers) that got dumped by his gf (after three years), and he was in a bad emotional state. He even says that he would have kissed MY gf if she weren't with me, and a part of her wanted him to do that. I guess he saw her as an emotional replacement to his ex so I'm not angry at him.

 

She told me that it wasn't about this kid at all, but the event triggered something with her. This scared her a lot and she started rethinking things. But all of a sudden, she's having serious doubts about us and our future. She says that she doesn't think she can make a college decision without it being her decision alone because she'll find herself making the decision that keeps her close to me, so she'd be limiting herself.

 

She's saying these things like she's really confused, and she doesn't really know what to do. She doesn't understand why she's feeling this way, and she can't stand for me not to be in her life anymore, but she really feels like it's something she really has to do, so as difficult as it was, she feels like she has to end it, and doesn't seem to think there's a romantic future between us anymore. She was crying hard the whole time but seemingly only because she didn't want to hurt me or make me hate her...but how could I when I love her so much?

 

I'm so shocked, and I'm at a loss of what to do. She says she thinks she'll probably never find someone like me and all but it's over. I asked her if she still sees a future between us, but she can't make any promises and doesn't want to get my hopes up. She says things like "I hope I realize how much of an idiot I am..." and "You deserve someone better than me..."

 

I know she didn't cheat on me too. Her mother cheated on her father for 5 months, lied about it, and destroyed their family because of it. My EX has cried about that and the thought of cheating or divorce terrifies her, and that's a big reason she has doubts.

 

Needless to say, I'm heartbroken. Any advice?

 

I definitely want to get back together with her, and I made sure I didn't beg or anything like that, although I did cry in front of her. I've been with a bunch of girls, but I'm so sure in my heart that she's the one, so that's why this makes it all the more worse. I always treat her right, and my intentions have always been noble. Her family all love and respect me, so there are no issues there. I'm so torn apart, and the future really scares me, and I really cannot imagine life without her.

 

I've been keeping strict NC for almost a week now even though she wanted to still be able to regularly talk to me because she's grown to rely on me for support, and to keep me around, but just as a friend. I told here that that is not being fair to me, and I want time to heal.

 

Any and and all input will be appreciated.

 

Thank you.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Romaks
more infor

[stormer1092]

Yea man I don't know whats with girls our age. Its almost like they LOVE being with you one minute and the next they question the rest of their lives. Or until another guy gives them the attention. Its almost like one guy isn't enough? I know i'm in a similar situation except my ex actually acted towards that other guy but similar. We were both very happy and then all of a sudden bam it was over because another guy gave her attention? Yet I seen her every day of my life and did everything in my power to make her feel special. But my advice to you is stay NC because if she's questioning having you in her life what does that show you? It means she's questioning her emotions. Give her time to figure them out and maybe one day you'll get together again but don't count on it.

[Recovered]

Hey Romaks -

 

You sound like a really decent guy.

 

The breakup after your first love hurts a lot. It takes a long time to get over it. But you're doing a great job by starting no contact. The best thing you can do is stay strong, don't call or write her, block her from all social media. Every day you maintain no contact, you'll feel better. And little by little, you'll start to heal and feel more confident and sure of yourself.

 

Some day you can be friends with her, but given how you feel, I'd say that's a long time down the road still.

 

I'd suggest to really throw yourself into your school and your activities. Classes, extracurriculars, sports, clubs, volunteer groups, whatever floats your boat. Talk to people in your school, socialize a lot. It's a cliche, but college really is a great time to meet new people. You'll never meet someone who's exactly the same as your ex, but you'll find lots of people - guys and girls - who are all special and can teach you new things and give you new perspectives on life.

 

Just from the way you write, I can tell you're a really decent guy... and I can guarantee that lots of girls in your area will notice it as well. I know it's too soon to think about anyone but your ex-, but gradually you'll heal, and the emotional strength you'll gain will make you even more attractive. Trust me, girls like that in a guy!

 

Good luck

[Romaks]

Thank you so much, guys, for you're input - it helps so much. I'm finding it difficult to keep my mind off of her even though I've been doing very well. I guess the problem is that most of my best friends have moved away so I feel more alone than ever.

 

Do you guys thinks she's experiencing GIGS? I see that there's really no problem with our relationship other than the timing since we're both experiencing so much change and maturation.

[Romaks]

It's just been one day shy of a week of NC.

 

I made it clear to her that this is what I wanted, but I also made it clear that if she felt like she needed to say something, then she could, and I wouldn't be angry. She was counting on having me stay around.

 

I know I need to move on with life, but the problem is that this break up came out of nowhere, and right after things were the best that they have ever been. How can I get over this and pretend nothing happened when my life has literally turned upside down?

[stormer1092]

It's just been one day shy of a week of NC.

 

I made it clear to her that this is what I wanted, but I also made it clear that if she felt like she needed to say something, then she could, and I wouldn't be angry. She was counting on having me stay around.

 

I know I need to move on with life, but the problem is that this break up came out of nowhere, and right after things were the best that they have ever been. How can I get over this and pretend nothing happened when my life has literally turned upside down?

 

You have to come to grips with if she wants you in her life bad enough she will let you know. I know I still kinda find this hard to grasp because I always wonder what if she's scared or something. But you gotta stay NC

[stormer1092]

Thank you so much, guys, for you're input - it helps so much. I'm finding it difficult to keep my mind off of her even though I've been doing very well. I guess the problem is that most of my best friends have moved away so I feel more alone than ever.

 

Do you guys thinks she's experiencing GIGS? I see that there's really no problem with our relationship other than the timing since we're both experiencing so much change and maturation.

 

It very well possibly be gigs but I wouldn't count on it. You still need to remain in NC and let her figure it out if it is. You still have to move on and get over her.

[Romaks]

She was also saying how when she's all settled in college, maybe we can try this again but she doesn't want to get my hopes up or anything...

 

I hate having all of this hope and also thinking how big of a shame and waste it'll be if we don't get back together again in the future. I would do anything to know what she's thinking.

 

One side of me is sort of cheering her on...like hoping that one day she'll beg and tell me how much I mean to her like I know she can.

[stormer1092]

She was also saying how when she's all settled in college, maybe we can try this again but she doesn't want to get my hopes up or anything...

 

I hate having all of this hope and also thinking how big of a shame and waste it'll be if we don't get back together again in the future. I would do anything to know what she's thinking.

 

One side of me is sort of cheering her on...like hoping that one day she'll beg and tell me how much I mean to her like I know she can.

 

Oh jeez had the same thing happen to me but with a few differences but still the same feelings. My ex left me for a guy that is going to college and moving away at the end of the semester. But before I knew this she also told me "maybe in 6 months or something we can try again" kinda fishy right? I know the feeling of holding on hope but I say this... DO NOT wait for her. When you're ready to date, date. You may find someone wayyyy better but if you wait for her you may never know. If you don't find someone better you can always try again with her if you still want to. But don't put your life on HOLD/

[Romaks]

Yeah man, I guess a lot of guys like us deal with this. It also sucks since I kind of realized that she was the one that initially pursued me, and I'm kind of 'out of her league' or at least I was at the time. Now i'm living a more adult life, but she's still in high school and is constantly around obnoxious senior guys (like I was) who are hopped up on the prospect of getting out of there. I see where she's coming from when she says "I'm so young.."

 

Sometimes I feel fine and I feel like i'm getting over her, but at other times, it hits me hard and I just want to cry and do nothing else. I feel so unfulfilled in dealing and talking to other people, and I don't seem to have much of an interest in anything else.

 

I am taking some steps though. I'm trying to get back on my work outs since I have such great potential as far as my physique is concerned, and I'm doing excellent in school. She was always my motivation because I felt that my strive for better was for her more so than It was for me. I'm going to stay very optimistic about this, and I'll try to power through this and be the best that I can be, so that if we do ever have the opportunity of getting back together, I'll be the best that I can be, and hopefully she will be too.

[stormer1092]

Yeah man, I guess a lot of guys like us deal with this. It also sucks since I kind of realized that she was the one that initially pursued me, and I'm kind of 'out of her league' or at least I was at the time. Now i'm living a more adult life, but she's still in high school and is constantly around obnoxious senior guys (like I was) who are hopped up on the prospect of getting out of there. I see where she's coming from when she says "I'm so young.."

 

Sometimes I feel fine and I feel like i'm getting over her, but at other times, it hits me hard and I just want to cry and do nothing else. I feel so unfulfilled in dealing and talking to other people, and I don't seem to have much of an interest in anything else.

 

I am taking some steps though. I'm trying to get back on my work outs since I have such great potential as far as my physique is concerned, and I'm doing excellent in school. She was always my motivation because I felt that my strive for better was for her more so than It was for me. I'm going to stay very optimistic about this, and I'll try to power through this and be the best that I can be, so that if we do ever have the opportunity of getting back together, I'll be the best that I can be, and hopefully she will be too.

 

Exactly what I'm going through at the moment. Some days I'm perfectly fine and the next BAM crying like a baby. My ex was also my motivation for allot of things. I also think our age difference made a big factor also because she is going through becoming an adult and I'm already there. Me being 21 and her being 19. But if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me or something. Seems like we could help each other quite a bit.

[Romaks]

Yeah man, thanks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

 

I'm going to keep this thread open and post my thoughts daily as a means of helping me cope, and hopefully others will see what I (we) am going through and give me some more advice which is the only thing that seems to help.

 

Can you give more detail about your situation? How long were you together, and what happened exactly?

[stormer1092]

Yeah man, thanks. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this.

 

I'm going to keep this thread open and post my thoughts daily as a means of helping me cope, and hopefully others will see what I (we) am going through and give me some more advice which is the only thing that seems to help.

 

Can you give more detail about your situation? How long were you together, and what happened exactly?

 

Yea man for sure. We were together for 3.5 years and what happened is I was the only thing that made her happy and then I went through a mild depression after college and somehow she became unhappy and then she told me one day "I don't think I'm happy with you" and so I walked away for 4 days to gather my thoughts. I seriously just sat in my room and my mind was going 100mph for those 4 days.. Like how am I going to make her happy.

 

Well the 3rd day after I walked away she ended up giving one of her co workers oral but the worst thing is she lied about it. I was hurt yea but for some reason I forgave her for it. (yea I know dumb) but after that we were really talking about what went wrong and why things happened the way they did. She said she regretted it and the whole 9. Well we were still talking every day and seeing each other on occasion for about 2 weeks then my birthday came along. Well she didn't even contact me on my birthday, absolutely nothing. So the day after I was kinda upset and mad so I texted her and all she said was sorry I was busy... The next day she told me that her and the guy are now together and I haven't contacted her since.

 

I know she wasn't seeing him on the side or anything because I was with her all the time and she doesn't have her drivers license. But all of a sudden a guy shows her attention and she runs into his arms.. I really just want to tell her to F&(k off but I can't bring myself to say it. I also can't bring myself to delete her pictures or throw her stuff away. But after I didn't talk to her for a week I got some random "i hate you" messages. 2 of them. 1 a day? I also ran into her sister at the local walmart and she was even telling me that she's not being herself and she's going through something.. I'm thinking gigs also.

Edited September 22, 2013 by stormer1092

[Romaks]

Man, I don't even need to tell you that that is rough.

 

I will never really understand women, but one thing I get is that they always need to have their attention and know that they're loved, so they're very impatient that way. They will act on passion and impulse, and it seems that they will always have regrets later.

 

I know this is hard on you, but I can imagine she's going crazy as well since she's confused and is constantly thinking about you. The way I look at it is, you were once a reason that she smiled and was happy, and she'll never forget that especially since you were together for so long.

 

The conclusion I'm getting from both of our situations is that they both need to do some serious soul searching after they realize how rare it is to find someone that truly cares. The question is, how long will that take? How many times will they get cheated on and hurt before they realize that we were there all along?

 

I hate thinking about that but it's reality. Once again, I firmly believe that if I truly make the effort to live my life, be healthy, become successful, and independent, and just generally arise much stronger from the situation, it'll be even more obvious to her that I'm still the caring and loving guy that she's fallen for, and I haven't stopped improving myself. The prospect of this actually gets me pumped! It's sooo in you're power to do this!

[stormer1092]

Man, I don't even need to tell you that that is rough.

 

I will never really understand women, but one thing I get is that they always need to have their attention and know that they're loved, so they're very impatient that way. They will act on passion and impulse, and it seems that they will always have regrets later.

 

I know this is hard on you, but I can imagine she's going crazy as well since she's confused and is constantly thinking about you. The way I look at it is, you were once a reason that she smiled and was happy, and she'll never forget that especially since you were together for so long.

 

The conclusion I'm getting from both of our situations is that they both need to do some serious soul searching after they realize how rare it is to find someone that truly cares. The question is, how long will that take? How many times will they get cheated on and hurt before they realize that we were there all along?

 

I hate thinking about that but it's reality. Once again, I firmly believe that if I truly make the effort to live my life, be healthy, become successful, and independent, and just generally arise much stronger from the situation, it'll be even more obvious to her that I'm still the caring and loving guy that she's fallen for, and I haven't stopped improving myself. The prospect of this actually gets me pumped! It's sooo in you're power to do this!

 

Yea exactly. Soul searching are the exact words. I don't get women either. Everything they want is right in front of them but yet its not enough. I don't think young girls know the difference between love and lust. When I did talk to her sister she even told me that she's waiting for the day she realizes she tucked up and tries to come back to me. She even told my ex that I hope he doesn't take you back. Which did make me feel a whole lot better and that I'm not the cause of her issues.

[Romaks]

I think a good way to look at is:

 

If you're not able to rise out of the situation, be a man, and improve yourself, then, perhaps, you weren't cut out for a relationship to begin with. You know what I mean?

[Romaks]

My ex also has a little sister that's 2 years younger, and I know she likes me and that I'm the only boyfriend she's been able to approve of and make friends with.

 

In regard to the whole gigs thing, it's interesting that both of our ex's have said things to the effect of hoping they realize that they're wrong in the future. You can tell they're trying to fight it, but they also love us and are fair enough to end things before they hurt us even more than is necessary.

 

I've read stories where people literally just wake up, and for whatever reason, they become so clear on what they want in life that they are willing to move heaven and earth to get it, and usually it's based on some big regret like this

[stormer1092]

I think a good way to look at is:

 

If you're not able to rise out of the situation, be a man, and improve yourself, then, perhaps, you weren't cut out for a relationship to begin with. You know what I mean?

 

Its not like I was just crying all day and not doing anything. I still cared and took care of her like a BF but the money and job issue really limited what I could do. Small town USA sucks for jobs. But now I have a job at a lumber yard and getting some good hours and pay so I AM turning my life around 180. BUTTT a relationship is more then just 1 person and she didn't even care to help at all.

[stormer1092]

My ex also has a little sister that's 2 years younger, and I know she likes me and that I'm the only boyfriend she's been able to approve of and make friends with.

 

In regard to the whole gigs thing, it's interesting that both of our ex's have said things to the effect of hoping they realize that they're wrong in the future. You can tell they're trying to fight it, but they also love us and are fair enough to end things before they hurt us even more than is necessary.

 

I've read stories where people literally just wake up, and for whatever reason, they become so clear on what they want in life that they are willing to move heaven and earth to get it, and usually it's based on some big regret like this

 

The mind of a woman is confusing..

[Romaks]

I'm not saying you or me personally, but the idea is a good means of moving on, and if anything, finding a significant other that is more compatible.

 

The sad thing about gigs is that they usually come back once you're completely over them, so you'll probably not want her back unless she's experienced some serious change in her life, and is willing to be serious with you.

[stormer1092]

I'm not saying you or me personally, but the idea is a good means of moving on, and if anything, finding a significant other that is more compatible.

 

The sad thing about gigs is that they usually come back once you're completely over them, so you'll probably not want her back unless she's experienced some serious change in her life, and is willing to be serious with you.

 

Yea time will tell man. I'm making steps to move on. You'll never get over anyone 100% and if that spark is ignited again I think it can work. But again not holding hope, just saying it.

[Romaks]

It's gotten to this point where I don't even rightfully know If I want her back. This confuses me because, then, why am I still thinking and fantasizing about her?

 

I feel like I want her to realize the pain she's put me through, but I fear she's not mature enough to understand it.

 

I feel like she's the one I want to marry years from now, but not the way she is now.

[stormer1092]

It's gotten to this point where I don't even rightfully know If I want her back. This confuses me because, then, why am I still thinking and fantasizing about her?

 

I feel like I want her to realize the pain she's put me through, but I fear she's not mature enough to understand it.

 

I feel like she's the one I want to marry years from now, but not the way she is now.

 

This is exactly how I feel also brotha. Read the original post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/426140-i-don-t-miss-my-ex

[Romaks]

I can't stop thinking about her and our relationship. It blows my mind to think that her feelings for me disappeared seemingly overnight which makes me question our relationship altogether. I'll continue NC, and try to move on.

 

Deleting the twitter and facebook apps from my phone yesterday have allowed for a lot of progress since I can't spend all day refreshing her feeds to see her ambiguous tweets about me that make me retrogress and think about us again.

[Romaks]

joining a dating site for the hell of it actually makes things a lot better. It's interesting to see how many woman view my page, and it makes the prospect of moving on a whole lot easier to imagine.