Boundary issues or too uptight ?

[Patimatsu]

Hello everyone -

 

I really need some opinions or advice. I have been with my fiance for 2 years, we are planning to get married in 6 weeks, 3 weeks ago we moved into a new house in a new town & live in it with my son (from a previous relationship) and our 2 dogs. My fiance does not work and does the house husband thing, and I work full time in another city to which I commute daily..

 

My son has moved schools along with this move, and has coped really well - and the good news is that he has developed a friendship with a boy who lives across the street from our new house. This boy is lovely, has a sister, and his mum has a partner, Dave.

 

While I was at work the following week, my fiance met (let's call her) 'the mum' while en route to school and an invite was extended to us to come over on that Friday for a few drinks - I thought this was nice, they seem a nice couple and it would be fun. I should say that before moving into this new town, I lived in the country in relative isolation for 13 years, so moving into the town was to actually develop a social life for me and also for my son...

 

So off we went across the road on the Friday but my territorial radar went off a little when the opening line from 'the mum' was - " You know what your son told us about your fiance the other day, that he was a really good pole dancer" - and from that point on, the conversation was pretty much dominated by my fiances various talents. I'll be quick to add that he is NOT a poledancer - and whilst the whole thing made us laugh (crazy kids and all that) - I felt a little like it was all a bit too 'familiar' a conversation to be having with, well, relative strangers.

 

Later the following week, I learned that my fiance had given 'the mum' his mobile number, which he did in response to her having my son over for a play with her son, and she was to text him when it was time to collect him - which she did, and he did... etc etc. Fine (ish)

 

Day before yesterday, my fiance came home and presented me with a lovely (out of the blue) present of a bottle of perfume - which is lovely - as he doesn't work and doesn't get much money - and the perfume was thoughtful as I had just said the other day that I was looking for a new perfume.

 

Then..... yesterday, I came home from work - give my fiance a hug and he smells the new perfume and says 'mmmmmm' with a smile - which made me feel awesome

 

'The mum's' son was in the house playing with my son (fine) and then the doorbell rings. I answer, its the mum, and our dogs run to greet her very warmly (as they do when anyone comes to the house) - and she says (as they are jumping all over her) - "Ohm I thought you would be tired after our walk today !" - quizically I say "Walk ?" - and my fiance says - yeah we took the dogs for a walk today with the kids - ??????? I think - 'be cool' - but inside I am not being cool.

 

Door closes, neighbours retreat across the road - and i think to myself - I had better go out to the shops and cool my heels otherwise I might say something I regret - so off I go.

 

Later I tell my fiance that I am not comfortable with him taking a walk with my kid and our dogs with 'the mum' across the road and he says I am being too uptight. I ask what they talked about, he says not much, and the debate continues to a point where I've calmed down and we are going to bed.

 

His mobile phone is on the bed, he's brushing his teeth in the bathroom, I pick up the phone - have a look (yes ashamedly I had a snoop) and found in the phone log that he (the day before) had exchanged some texts with 'the mum' - but the actual texts have been deleted. I ask him has he been texting her, he says no, I present him with the evidence, he goes quiet, I ask him why he texted her and he then tells me it was to ask her what perfume she was wearing that night we went over there for drinks - WTF ?!? Seriously ? He was going to buy me the same perfume as 'the mum' ???

 

Now - knowing all that - and I tried to present it objectively - am I being uptight or have I got something to worry about ?

 

Thanks for reading any useful advice welcome

 

- P

[Art_Critic]

I'm all for busting chops if someone crosses a line that shouldn't be crossed but honestly it seems your fiancée has nothing but you in mind..

 

Why would you be upset that he asked her what perfume she was wearing and then bought you that brand ? that is how a ton of perfume and cologne get bought today .

 

I'm guessing you are jealous of her ? why not sit him down and let him know how you feel about her but you have to own it, you can't blame him for being friendly to a neighbor.

 

If he is a decent guy he will watch to not step on your toes and back off the friendship some to make you feel better...

 

My 2 cents.. and maybe some other people chiming in will give you a broader set of ideas...

[KathyM]

I think the solution is pretty simple. You need to get that fiancé of yours to get a job. I mean, why is he not working? Your son must be at least three years old and old enough to start preschool, so there's really no reason for your fiancé to have to stay home full time. Your son will then get his social interaction with his school mates, and you can arrange evening or weekend playdates with the neighbor child when you are going to be home. I think hanging out with opposite sex neighbors on an individual basis, even if the kids are playing together, has the potential for developing too intimate of a relationship the more they spend time individually with each other. You should strive for seeing them only as a couple or a family. Have them over for dinner, go out as a couple with them, and that type of thing. Befriend them as a couple, and you should take charge of arranging the play dates for the times you will be home. You could let your fiancé know that you don't feel comfortable with him having the one-on-one visits with the neighbor, and would prefer he just have the kids meet up at each other's houses without the adults hanging out individually with each other, and you will be his running buddy from now on. You could go for a family run after dinner, your fiancé, your son and yourself. I think some boundaries should be set to avoid a problem. One boundary which I think is also appropriate is that he shouldn't be texting her or calling her for any reason other than to arrange a play date between the kids. COUPLE friendship with that family, and family friendship. Not an individual friendship or individual hang outs between opposite sex neighbors, even if the kids are also there playing.

[Patimatsu]

I suppose I am jealous ... but for a variety of reasons. In the brief time I spent in her company for the social drink, we got her life story and she is a stay at home artist. My fiance has history with artists and pretty much had nothing but artist girlfriends all his life, until me (i head up an IT Department... boring ... but its a career and pays the bills)....she seems more interesting and maybe that's my insecurity, but trying to be objective and practical i still believe that there are certain intimacies that one should not have with relative stranger neighbours of the opposite sex... ie.. walks with our dogs and our kid, and questions about what perfume she wears... sorry, they do ring alarm bells for me. He could have rung my best friend and asked her what perfume to buy me, but he didn't, he texted the neighbour and then tried to hide and deny the texts.

 

Maybe me questioning this is enough and i already have the answer starimg me straight in the face ? But maybe on the other hand (and this is the one i want to believe) there is no ill intent... but even if he has no ill intent, how do i know she doesn't ?

 

Thanks for the opinions and advice from you guys so far.. its really helpful to have the objective perspective.

 

- P

[pteromom]

I would think there was nothing to worry about, but there are a couple of red flags.

 

The fact that he deleted texts between them. That's weird. Why would he do that???

 

The perfume. Sorry, but I don't want my guy buying me perfume that will make me smell like the woman across the street. It would make me wonder if when he went "Mmmmmmmm", he was daydreaming about her!

 

Some of the other stuff is your own insecurity - that she is an artist and may be more interesting than you. But I think there is enough here that it would ping my radar too.

 

There's nothing wrong with them being friends, but going off on walks together and texting back and forth... it's all a bit much.

[Art_Critic]

I think the solution is pretty simple. You need to get that fiancé of yours to get a job.

 

ha, some things go right over my head... you are so right....

[julia12]

Hi there,

 

I think the thing to do might just be to say to your man, "you know, I don't feel comfortable with this, is there anything I should know?" Not saying something might eat away at you. Asking your son what the deal might be seems a bit unwise (I don't know how old he is).

 

I was in a relationship recently where something quite similar was bugging me about my guy's behaviour, and I ended up trying to read his texts (his phone was locked). I really wish now that I had just been non-confrontational but straight with him now. Turned out that nothing was going on.

 

Hope you get everything sorted out. xxx

[gaius]

If he's lying about talking to her then nefarious intentions have entered his mind at some point. Nothing helps you beat the humiliation of being a house husband like a little affair with a new woman.

[RedRobin]

If he's lying about talking to her then nefarious intentions have entered his mind at some point. Nothing helps you beat the humiliation of being a house husband like a little affair with a new woman.

 

Unfortunately, I agree with this.

 

Also agree that he needs something else to do with his time than hang out with the neighbor.