Juniper Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 I have been divorced for almost 3 years and had a lot of issues to deal with since...depression etc....I am getting there but the main issue I have now is the fear of repeating mistakes of the past. I met a guy online....we chatted a lot...emailed tonnes..talked on the phone and finally met. He cancelled a date we had made...after we met coz I was quieter in person. Then he still wanted to be friends....said he really liked me etc but had issues himself as he has been separated less than a year. He was supposed to call and didn't and I emailed him and said goodbye even though I like him....I just didn't wanna be messed about. Anyway....it turns out he didn't call coz he had a big fight with his ex and tried to kill himself and has been in hospital. Now I am confused....on one hand I like him and want to be friends but on the other I am scared of having to deal with his issues as well as my own. I wasn't physically attracted to him when we met but I have found in the past that with me at least that is often something that comes later... I would like some feedback or advice on this matter....please I know I can't be scared forever but how can I tell if I am getting in too deep BEFORE I start to drown?? Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 Hi there... The meaning behind the subject line is, I recently met someone online and came here for advice....it got heated actually! anyhoo.... This man obviously has some very serious issues to deal with. A suicide attempt is a doozie. It's hard to say why he attempted this....maybe extremely upset and distraught over his past breakup, maybe something else. The point is, he's clearly not in the position to be in a relationship...and won't be for some time. If you sense the beginning of feelings for him, it's going to be extremely hard for you to "just be friends".....you're going to want more, and he's obviously not in the position to give you more. The 'wanting more' is only going to leave you longing, yearning, stressing, discouraged, hopeful.......believe me when I say, from past experience, that's no way to live. It eats away at you........and leaves you with a feeling of emptiness. I totally know that when you start developing feelings for someone, even small ones, it's soooooo hard to turn them off, as much as you know things just won't/can't go anywhere. You have to be careful too, that this man doesn't end up turning back to you because he's really in need of emotional support.....and ends up using you as a sort of crutch, or a distraction from his issues. This would cause your feelings for him to most likely grow and give you a new found sense of "being needed".....but it wouldn't be a healthy need on his part. Relationships are difficult enough, but when you get involved with someone who's got some major psychological issues or severe depression that's lead to a suicide attempt, it's truly best for your own well being and sanity, to back away and look elsewhere. WAIT! Something just hit me. How did you find out he was hospitalized for a suicide attempt?? Who told you? He's no longer in hospital and contacted you to let you know what's been going on?? The reason I ask, and I don't mean to stir up a can of worms......but the whole thing sounds a little fishy to me (I totally believe you!!...just wondering "who" told you about this suicide attempt (meaning: a jealous ex of his??)......OR, you sometimes hear of liars on the net, who are too cowardly to tell you they're really not interested.....so out come stories of dying grandmothers, brain tumors and such. Sorry, just my skeptical side emerging :-) Laurynn Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 Hey, this guy just tried to commit suicide...uh, KILL HIMSELF...after a big fight with his ex. Now I didn't graduate from the Police Academy or anything but common sense would tell me that right now, he is in no place to be in a relationship. He still has some real serious stuff going emotionally with this other person. Just forget him totally and completely. Go find you another guy who isn't just out of a relationship and who has the mental capacity for dealing with breakups when they occur without resorting to attempts at suicide. Link to post Share on other sites
Juniper Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 Ok......I found out coz he called me from the hospital....gave me the number of the ward and asked me to call or visit him if I felt able to and that he had missed me. He also told me what had happened without going into too many details and when he went in....so I know he never got my email. He seems like such a nice guy....I just don't know if he would be willing to stop at just friends....I don't want to get in too deep too soon. He says he doesn't want to burden me or rush me but that he cares and he hopes we can build a friendship......I said we both had stuff to deal with first and he agreed.....but I am not a mindreader so I dunno what he REALLY needs. Life was easier when I was young.....a guy asked you out....if he was cute you said yes......now....everyone comes with baggage of some sort!! Including me!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Juniper Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 Yes.....I realise that he is in no position to be in a relationship as far as romance etc....and we have not had any talk of this type of relationship....so far it has only been talk of friendship...but even that is an issue. Also...it wasn't the breakup itself that caused him to do what he did...but that's neither here nor there... My concern is.....if I remained/continued to become "just friends" with this guy.....even though he says that is all he needs at this time....will it be enough for him given that he is obviously in need of support...he does have other friends and family who are very close to him and supportive... I guess......ok, I like him, he's a sweet guy and I would have liked to remain friends with him...but I know I can't be his crutch if that's what he is looking for...I have been through some depression myself and I also would not want to add to his by turning my back on him if all he says is true.... That he only wants a friend.....and that he doesn't wish to be a burden....that he wants to have a friend in his life that is not a part of his past with his ex-wife...etc... The details of what led to him to attempt suicide....although it doesn't make it right.....make it more understandable why he felt that way.....and it was he who put himself in hospital when he realised what he had just tried to do to himself.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 I personally sense that you think about this guy as potential for more than just a friend. He's the wrong guy for that right now. He's got a lot of problems. Suicide, particularly the kind that doesn't finish the job off pretty quickly, is often an attention getting device used by manipulators. I'm not sure I would want to have somebody like that for even JUST a friend. You can never have enough friends. You are there and you can judge the whole situation for yourself. If this man is the kind of guy you feel would make a nice friend for you...and you have no feelings for him beyond that...yes, of course, cultivate a friendship. That would be great. But, really do some thinking about this. If you are looking at this guy as anything more than a friend, you will be getting yourself in more trouble than you know...especially for the immediate future. I do hope he gets counselling and gets his head back on straight. But don't become his friend to help him with that. You don't need to get bogged down in his stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Juniper Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 You can never have enough friends. You are there and you can judge the whole situation for yourself. If this man is the kind of guy you feel would make a nice friend for you...and you have no feelings for him beyond that...yes, of course, cultivate a friendship. That would be great. Hmmmmm.......I think he would make a nice friend IF he can sort out his issues.... You say you can never have enough friends.....I have 2 friends in the whole world....neither of whom live closer than a 2 hour flight from me. I avoided making friends until I had sorted myself out as much as I have...and now I just don't have any locally.... After being married to an alcoholic I have no desire to go to pubs or clubs to meet people whose social lives revolve around drink....I belong to no organisations nor am I religious.... I rarely meet people who have even a semblance of intelligence when I am taking my children to their activities etc.... As much as I would like to have a friend locally.....and as much as I believe this guy has potential to be a good friend...I guess I still need to do a lot more thinking here...... Thankyou for your input..... Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted January 9, 2001 Share Posted January 9, 2001 I really don't think he is ready for a love relationship with you because obviously he is still emotionally attached to his ex (enough to try to commit suicide over). Therefore, if you want to be his friend, you will also find that a lot of his talk will be about his ex. So if you are willing to be the understanding shoulder to cry on, then fine. But he sounds like he needs a lot of help. Are you willing to be his shrink? Hmmmmm.......I think he would make a nice friend IF he can sort out his issues.... You say you can never have enough friends.....I have 2 friends in the whole world....neither of whom live closer than a 2 hour flight from me. I avoided making friends until I had sorted myself out as much as I have...and now I just don't have any locally.... After being married to an alcoholic I have no desire to go to pubs or clubs to meet people whose social lives revolve around drink....I belong to no organisations nor am I religious.... I rarely meet people who have even a semblance of intelligence when I am taking my children to their activities etc.... As much as I would like to have a friend locally.....and as much as I believe this guy has potential to be a good friend...I guess I still need to do a lot more thinking here...... Thankyou for your input..... Link to post Share on other sites
amelia Posted January 10, 2001 Share Posted January 10, 2001 As the old saying goes...it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I really do believe that this is true. The are never any certainties or guarentees in relationships. And, you can't return it when it isn't what you want anymore. But, these are risks that one must make. I suggest that you take time to understand your own feelings and then go for whatever you think will make you happy. Although, I do believe that we should all be aware of what the future may hold according to the choices that we make today, sometimes you have to live for the moment. And, if this man makes you happy right now or you have any desires to pursue a relationship, I would tell you to go for it. Just follow your heart and you will know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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