Honesty is the only way

[Joyce]

I want to thank everyone that gave me advice and helped me face my lies. I was so scared to face the truth. I thought that I had lied so much and dug myself into such a huge hole that it was too late... or at least that was my excuse. Plus I used to tell myself I don't want to hurt my husband. Well it was too late for that I should have been thinking about that when I made the decision to have an affair.

 

I am so happy and relieved that I faced what I had done. I could have continued on with my marriage and never told a sole.. no one would have ever known but it would have eaten me alive. I would not have ever had a normal life again. I would have always had this bearing over my shoulders. I wanted to die so many times because I hated who I had become. I had even held a gun to my head a few times. I wanted to end all of the drama and all of the pain.

 

It's not easy to tell the person that trusted and loved you that you hurt them in so many ways. It's not easy after you tell them. The important thing is that I have faced it. I can be me again. I did make some wrong choices and maybe mine were worse than others but the most important thing is that I am learning from my mistakes. No more lies.. no more excuses. I've said this in my other posts but it means so much to me that my husband can look me in the eyes and tell me I am a beautiful person inside and out and I can believe it now. I thank my husband daily for loving me and that I remind myself daily of how lucky I am. I would not have made it without his love and support.

 

It's been two months since I decided to change and be honest. I still struggle but it is nothing like I did before I told the truth. Every day gets easier. I have my life back and I could not have done it without the support of LS. Thank you to all of you!!

 

And to anyone out there that is involved in an affair or has been and has kept it a secret.. honesty is the only way to get your life back. You can't keep lying to yourself forever. The excuses will run out. It will catch up to you in one way or another. It's never too late to start learning from your mistakes and becoming a better person. Life is too short to waste it by living a fantasy life and pretending to be someone you really aren't. The grass is not greener on the other side.

[Sweetz]

Amen Sister!

[DazednConfused]

Joyce,

 

Reading your story, and the reality of your honestty and guts has made my day. Thank you for taking the harder road, and showing others just how important and rewarding it can be.

 

Have you 'fessed up to the other affairs yet? Just curious. Anyway, props, kudos, and worship bows!

 

-Dazed

[Joyce]

Dazed.. Haven't heard from you for a long time. How are things going with your wife?

 

I am happy to hear from you. You really helped me through this with your advice and wisdom. You helped encourage me to be honest. Thank you!!

 

I haven't been involved in any other affairs... thank goodness. There is no way I could have gone through this or put my husband through this again. I've learned my lesson.

[sylviaguardian]

Joyce,

 

You have done the totaly right thing - I can tell you from the other side of the fence. As soon as I became suspicious of my H having an affair he denied and denied it and only admitted things as I provided evidence. It ate me up inside because all the time I knew he wasn't being honest. I was so angry with him all the time. The turning point came when we had come home from a pretty depressing vacation and I had reached the point where I actually didn't think i could stand to even have him in the house anymore. He sat down and told me everything, even all the things I didn't want to hear. It hurt like hell but since that day I have changed because now I know what I am dealing with, I know there will be no more nasty surprises and he has shown me some respect.

 

I would say to anyone who has had an affair to be honest. Things will come out eventually if you don't then you are back to square one again, nothing can move on until you do.

 

Good luck Joyce - you will have a steep climb ahead but at least it's a straight road. I wish you well.

Sylvia

[Joyce]

Thank you sylvia. I wish you the best of luck too

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There is no way in h3ll I would ever admit to everything I've done in the past (trust me, it's alot). STBX has been hurt enough just by the very little he already knows. He can suspect all he wants, but in a few months I am out of the house and will be seeing my OM openly and he can't do a damn thing about it.

 

He can still think he knows what happened while we were still married, but the marriage has long been over and he can do whatever he wants and see whomever he wants as well.

 

Because I have stopped communicating with the OM until I move out, he will not find out anything and the split will be a friendly one. I truly believe it's the best thing for everyone involved. Why hurt STBX more than he already is? He doesn't need to know all the gory details.

[Joyce]

There is no way in h3ll I would ever admit to everything I've done in the past (trust me, it's alot). STBX has been hurt enough just by the very little he already knows. He can suspect all he wants, but in a few months I am out of the house and will be seeing my OM openly and he can't do a damn thing about it.

 

He can still think he knows what happened while we were still married, but the marriage has long been over and he can do whatever he wants and see whomever he wants as well.

 

Because I have stopped communicating with the OM until I move out, he will not find out anything and the split will be a friendly one. I truly believe it's the best thing for everyone involved. Why hurt STBX more than he already is? He doesn't need to know all the gory details.

 

 

If your marriage has been long over why wait to leave?

 

I personally never shared any details with my husband. I told him who it was with, how long it lasted and where it happened. I asked him if he wanted to know more and he said no. He did not want those images in his head.

 

I was not comfortable with lying to him anymore and more than anything I was not happy. I hated who I had became. He never deserved what I did to him but he did deserve to know what a terrible person I had become.

 

If you don't want to tell your husband that's you prerogative. It's your life.. live it as you wish. I am only speaking from based on my own experience. I don't know how someone can truly be happy when they loose touch of who they are and have to come up with excuses to justify their actions. I am not judging because i used to sound just like you. I ended up hurt beyond words and then reality sank in where i realized how much I had hurt my H. I hope that you are happy with your life but I truly believe this will catch up to you one way or another.

[sylviaguardian]

Because I have stopped communicating with the OM until I move out, he will not find out anything and the split will be a friendly one. I truly believe it's the best thing for everyone involved. Why hurt STBX more than he already is? He doesn't need to know all the gory details.

 

 

Sorry but this is not going to stop him being hurt more than he already is. This is going to make sure that the two of you have the most acrimonious relatioship possible. How can you think that telling him that the A is over. then leaving, then getting together with the other man is going to save him hurt? Wake up - It's going to DESTROY him!

 

Is this really to save him hurt? I don't want to make accusations but is part of it not wanting to face up to what you are doing to him. If you really want to leave and be with the OM you owe it to him to sit down, be honest and tell him the truth. Otherwise there will be no chance of being friends.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Sorry but this is not going to stop him being hurt more than he already is. This is going to make sure that the two of you have the most acrimonious relatioship possible. How can you think that telling him that the A is over. then leaving, then getting together with the other man is going to save him hurt? Wake up - It's going to DESTROY him!

 

He is hurt because he found my cell phone bill. We had already agreed to separate and I had already purchased a new home that won't be ready for a couple more months.

 

I told him that the OM is "just a friend" who was in this situation a few years ago and we had alot to talk about on the phone and denied there even was a relationship. He still suspects it, and is still deeply hurt by the phone calls, but the fact of the matter is the marriage was already over, so I don't see why I have to own up to anything. I told him that if I pursued a relationship with the OM once I move out, there is nothing he can do about it and he says he is fine with that and I can do whatever I want.

 

I know should have waited until I moved to have the affair, but that is a weakness (and yes, I'm going for counselling to figure out why I cheated). So the best I can do now is stop contact so STBX and I can make it through the next couple of months.

[Stinkerbelle]

Getting out from under the feeling of being a fraud is essential to living.

 

In my own case, I didn't have to get to a full-blown affair. I developed a connection with a man, and we agreed to avoid each other. I then came clean, told my husband WHY I think it happened, and we ended up divorcing, because we had problems in the marriage that couldn't be overcome. And I realized I'd had a glimpse of real emotion outside that marriage, and I wanted to have a marriage with that emotion IN IT. So I asked for a divorce.

 

A year later, I'm seeing the man I had feelings for again. And we're getting married. But if we'd sunk into a prolonged affair, we'd not have a chance..

[VivianLee]

Good Job Joyce!! I really admire you and hold you as an example in my own life...

 

After sneaking around for 2 years talking to my OM...it really becomes a hard habit to break...I was never a sneaky person personality wise and I'm an open book in other aspects of my life...I hated living the "double life"...it is such a relief to be (semi) free of it all....I still struggle with the addiction which is kinda made worse with being away from both men that had been in my life....

 

But there has to be honesty in a marriage or relationship, I've lied to so many people and even myself....I've got to relearn how to be open and honest in all aspects now....

 

Again, way to go Joyce!! Hang in there....I think you'll be the happy ending we all wish we could have!!

[Joyce]

Thaks Viv!! I know things are hard for you right now. Remember that things happen for a reason.. even though it might not make sense right now. Your life will fall into place the way it should. You will have your happy ending too. The most important thing is to remember that you have allow yourself to be happy. You are the only one that can make truly make yourself happy!!

[Owl]

You know, the one thing that I've seen that both Joyce and Viv admit to is something that I wish all of the people involved in an affair could come to realize...that there is no such thing as a lie or deception that really works out to be "better for the spouse if they didn't know".

 

So many people say that they won't tell their spouse because it would hurt them to know. That's BS. You don't tell the other person because you don't want to SEE them hurting when they know the truth. Its selfish, not selfless.

 

I'm of the opinion that honesty is the only way in a marriage. A marriage is made up of TWO people, and that marriage belongs to both of them...all of the marriage, the good and the bad. If a spouse steps out on the marriage, the other spouse DESERVES to know the truth. And deserves the chance to make their OWN decision as to whether the marriage should continue or not with ALL of the information.

 

If you hold out on your spouse, you're not letting them make that decision with all of the information. And you're not doing that to help them...you're doing it to help yourself. People decide to hold out on that information because they don't want to get kicked to the curb for their indiscretion, because they don't want to have to face the aftermath of their actions. Sure, they may think about how their spouse is going to feel...but the real fear is that they'll have to see how they're responsible for causing that pain to their spouse.

 

So, for those that have made the decision to be honest, face the problem, and work with your spouse to deal with it...hats off to you! I'm sorry that you've gone through the pain of it, but you've shown that at least you are willing to face up to what you've done.

 

Joyce...I've read your posts here on LS, and can understand how hard its been on you. Hold in there, and keep working on getting moved away. Sounds to me like you've found the guy you married many years ago to be the same guy who loves you today.

 

Viv- I know you're time is tough too. Its hard to go through what you're dealing with, but you've done it with a bit of style. Hang on there, and wait to see what the future brings...it might be dark now, but there's light up ahead...think about all the tough times in your life, and then look at how its ALWAYS gotten lighter afterwards...it will in this case too.

[jmargel]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

He is hurt because he found my cell phone bill. We had already agreed to separate and I had already purchased a new home that won't be ready for a couple more months.

 

I told him that the OM is "just a friend" who was in this situation a few years ago and we had alot to talk about on the phone and denied there even was a relationship. He still suspects it, and is still deeply hurt by the phone calls, but the fact of the matter is the marriage was already over, so I don't see why I have to own up to anything. I told him that if I pursued a relationship with the OM once I move out, there is nothing he can do about it and he says he is fine with that and I can do whatever I want.

 

I know should have waited until I moved to have the affair, but that is a weakness (and yes, I'm going for counselling to figure out why I cheated). So the best I can do now is stop contact so STBX and I can make it through the next couple of months.

 

You are trying to save your own ass. You know a divorce is coming, and admitting to an affair would be stupid for you to do, legal wise. Why lose all that you have? Take him to the cleaners financially as well, since you ripped out his heart.

 

Excuses, that's all they are. Trying to save 'him' from hurt? No, you are trying to save yourself in quite a few ways. Karma is a bitch at times and it will come back to bite you. Like Joyce said, if you can take being a fraud and living a lie, not only disrespecting your husband, but your vows that you took in front of God then may he have mercy on your soul.

[izzybelle]

jmargel,

i think you're being a bit harsh.... if i remember correctly, i believe, her H may have done the same thing. could be wrong....

 

in any case, i know that doesn't make cheating justified, right or wrong, it happened, possibly to both and they're taking steps to end the marriage.

 

so what purpose would telling him serve at this point? if she's trying to "protect" herself at this point, having been through a divorce, i can see why she'd want to. not that anyone of either gender should take anyone to the cleaners, i think that's an unnecessary step. but i've seen several situations where "betrayed" spouses have become very nasty and drag the kids through the whole mess of "look what your mother/father is doing". totally not necessary. and if she's not hoping to save the marriage... i don't see much point in coming clean.

 

sorry, you can call it fraud or whatever you want but i don't see the need...

[jmargel]

It's because her cheating played a pivotal role in the divorce. While she was cheating on him, not just sexually but emotionally, she eliminated any chance of her & her husband working things out. There was a lack on communication on both sides, but mainly by her.

 

By him finding out through her cell phone, and what she wrote about how devestated he was, it's safely to be assumed that he loves her very much. That he probably would have gone for counseling, etc.. Yet she doesn't want anything to do with the marriage anymore, which is fine if that's what she wants.

 

However, just because she doesn't want to keep the marriage going, she still needs to confront and take responsibility for what she has done. He has not cheated on her like you thought he has. At least that's what I got from her previous posts.

 

If she doesn't care about him, why would it bother her to put him into anymore pain like she said she would by telling him? Just because she hasn't told him, doesn't mean she's never done it. I can guarantee that he's probably wondering who else she's been with. Not only this, but she has risked his life through passing STDs. He deserves to know what she has done while being with him. It's the least she can do.

[Joyce]

I agree with jmargel. Although ultimately it is her choice. She has been selfish through this whole thing and still chooses to be. I personally would not want this guilt weighing over my shoulders for the rest of my life whether I divorced or not. The fact is that she is still married. Separation does not warrant an affair and if this came up during the divorce proceedings and makes it more difficult on her well that's the consequence she should have to deal with based her actions. She did have an affair!! Her husband does have the right to know. Like jmargel said it is his health that was put at risk!

[izzybelle]

jmargel,

 

guess we'll just have to disagree on this one, since i wouldn't tell either if i were in her shoes. it would serve absolutely no purpose in the grand scheme of things except to possibly make the divorce process worse than it has to be for all concerned, including the kids. and from what i've gathered, he's denied his actions as well....... so what's the point? it sounds like they've both inflicted pain on each other and no, i don't think it's necessary to cause any more for either.

 

my marriage "ended" years before it became official and i have strong suspicions that there was something going on that i didn't know about. but....since the marriage was over, i could care less. would i have been upset if i'd known at the time? no idea and like i said, all things considered the marriage was over and it wouldn't have solved any problems if he had decided to "come clean." i know my kids suspect something of the situation, as well, but what the truth was then is water under the bridge. makes more sense to focus on the future and for all involved to try to NOT make the same mistakes again than it does to beat each other up about it.

 

there may have been something to be gained by honesty at one point in time, but that time has passed!

[reservoirdog1]

Among the many reasons for MWC to tell her H the truth, is the fact that, in addition to sh*tting all over him, she also happily took huge liberties with his health and bodily integrity. He's spent years naively sleeping with somebody who could be bigger walking disease factory than that monkey in Outbreak.

 

Hopefully MWC will realize this so that her H can get tested. I wonder if she'd feel any differently if she found out in a year or two that he'd unknowingly passed on a horrible disease to his next partner, all because of her selfishness and lack of honour?

[izzybelle]

or she could just get tested and then make the decision whether or not there was anything that he needed to know based on the results.

[Joyce]

I can only hope that this post will help someone realize that their situation is not unique or special. A year ago I never would have listened to someone like me. I thought my situation was different. I was in love and had found someone that loved me. I was not the type of person to have an affair. I never lied before this and I always used to put others first. I was a good person! I justified my continual lies and actions by thinking I didn't want to hurt my husband or kids. I knew I couldn't turn back time so I continued on living with the secrets and lies.

 

I found LS because I was looking for people to talk to about getting over the break up with my OM. I was hurt and sad. When I started to read posts on LS I was amazed at all the posts where so many people involved in affairs thought the same thing as I did about my affair. I then read posts from the husbands and wives that were betrayed and reality finally sank in. I wasn't a good person. My affair was not unique. I was not trying to protect my husband and kids from being hurt. I was protecting myself from the consequences. I was selfish. It really is sad that it took as much as it did and as much pain and suffering for me to realize everything I did. I finally made the best choice I have ever made.

 

I wish now that I could help someone from going through this and putting others through more pain than necessary. There are many people that have been involved in affairs that have faced the consequences of their actions and strived to make their lives better by being honest. It's not easy but it's definitely easier than lying and living two lives. It really is never too late to better yourself. I know I can' persuade everyone to tell the truth and sadly those people will stay on LS trying to justify their actions. Some people choose the selfish route and learn the hard way.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

When my STBX and I discussed saving or ending the marriage, there was no affair going on. We decided to try through the summer. Things were not going well and it was all but over except for saying it out loud. The affair started, and then it was said out loud...."do you think we made it through summer" I asked.

 

He said no. He said "My heart wasn't in it and I haven't loved you for a long time". I thought he meant a few months....but he meant a few years. (Since the last time we separated). Counselling back then didn't help I guess. I thought things were going great up until about a year ago.

 

He has ended his online chatting (no emotional connections, he says, but I think just going online for sexual gratification while I'm asleep in his bed is just as bad).

 

The only thing he said is if he knew there was someone else, he would want me to leave now. It is half my house so I don't have to leave. He said he would leave then. I said don't leave....I will not contact the OM until I move out. It is almost Christmas, the kids don't need this, and my house will be ready in January.

 

So, whether or not I "come clean" will not do anyone any good at this point in time. If I come clean when I move, it will seem like I'm gloating. I don't want to do that. I suppose I could explain that I didn't want to ruin his Christmas...we'll have to see in a few weeks.

 

Yes, I am a selfish person and I have my first counselling session tomorrow night to fix it!

[sylviaguardian]

Totally agree with you both (Owl and Jmargel). Lying to someone never stopped them from getting hurt. When the truth comes out (and it will) it's just a double blow.

 

Take a leaf of Joyce and Viv's book and look at yourself in the mirror with pride.

 

Sylvia

[hotgurl]

I think mwc should tell her hubby.

 

I reread her posts she is a serial cheater. She has had mutiple affairs and exposed her hubby to many stds and at the very least she should tell him so he won't take so much responsibility on his own shoulders. She had cheated on other bf and claimed to be bored with the marraige after five years and ahd a coupl 1 nigh stands and an affiar.

 

And Yeah it takes two to make or break a marraige but it seems like he never had a chance. and he should know that it' her problem with monogamy and not his.

 

or at the very least she should get tested to be sure she is clean and the decide from there.