Ladyjane14 Posted December 9, 2004 Share Posted December 9, 2004 Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater .... I have only had one session with the therapist and I have another one tonight. Just remember to be as honest as you can. Don't try to put a good spin on anything. Therapists aren't there to judge you, they're there to HELP you. You won't get much out of the experience unless you're telling it like it is. I'm very happy for you that you're taking this step. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Owl, our situation began very much like yours is now. We were able to work through the internet affairs and get past that stage. At least for a couple of years, but the same problems popped again with emotional needs not being met, except then instead of going online, I found a real life person to share my troubles with. I know that's wrong. I should be able to talk to my husband about what's bothering me. But that has been a problem in our relationships from the get-go. We don't talk. We don't share. We hold back and stew about things - we are both that way and avoid confrontation at any cost. When we do talk, it's usually after things have built up and there is so much tension and resentment between us. I am starting to realize that I have ben the one to initiate conversation and tell him how I feel. I've tried to arrange "dates" with him to spend quality time alone without the kids. Nothing ever pans out. It's either money or not being in the mood. So I ended up doing things on my own, taking classes, working longer hours, going to the gym and we grew apart. We disagree on so many levels. He tries to make me happy by doing housework and taking care of the kids and supporting my sports. I don't care about much of that. I'd rather him get a cleaning lady to do the work and take me out for a romantic dinner and send me flowers instead of putting away the laundry. Know what I mean? At my therapy last night I told her that I think it would have been a longer, harder process to end the marriage if I hadn't been involved with the OM. I think I needed that "push" to break free from my unhappy marriage. We also talked about my need for attention and I have to think about that until my next appt. Those damn appointments....I just babble on and on about a million different things, jumping from one thing to the next. I never really know what to say. I get nervous and after it's over I remember all the other things I wanted to say! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater Owl, our situation began very much like yours is now. We were able to work through the internet affairs and get past that stage. At least for a couple of years, but the same problems popped again with emotional needs not being met, except then instead of going online, I found a real life person to share my troubles with. I know that's wrong. I should be able to talk to my husband about what's bothering me. But that has been a problem in our relationships from the get-go. We don't talk. We don't share. We hold back and stew about things - we are both that way and avoid confrontation at any cost. Have you talked with him or a counselor about which emotional needs weren't/aren't being met? You mention that you were able to work through the internet affairs...how? Counseling? Again, I really don't need the answers here, I'm actually just asking you to decide whether or not you've done all that you possibly can to make things work out. That's actually up to you to decide... We disagree on so many levels. He tries to make me happy by doing housework and taking care of the kids and supporting my sports. I don't care about much of that. I'd rather him get a cleaning lady to do the work and take me out for a romantic dinner and send me flowers instead of putting away the laundry. Know what I mean? Read the book "The Five Languages of Love"... It talks pretty well about HOW we communicate love to each other. Take a look at MarriageBuilders too. It sounds to me like the both of you have completely different views on HOW to show each other that you love them...he's doing it in a way that doesn't mean anything to you, and I'd bet its working the exact same way back towards him as well. Honestly, it sounds to me like you've given up any hope of reconciling your marriage. I do feel that there is a point where all you can do is walk away from something that is so badly shattered that you can't fix it...but I'd never walk away with any shard of hope left that it could be fixed. But again, that's me...maybe not you. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I am very familiar with Marriage Builders. That sort of helped us 3 yrs ago, as well as counselling. Back then the result of counselling was for us to do things together to help re-connect. We did that, reconnected, and then disconnected. Last spring we went back online to Marriage Builders, printed off the emotional needs questionnaire, and it's still sitting unanswered on our dresser at home. So it's obvious that neither one of us has the desire to work things out at this point. We neglected our marriage and now we are paying the price. It IS too late. We have remortgaed the house (he is staying) and I've bought a new house to live in. It's all a done deal. Will we have regrets? Yes, on and off we will always both wonder what we could have done differently, and it is sad, but then all the tension comes back and we withdraw and make different plans for our future apart (and with the kids) cuz that seems to be the only thing that makes us feel good. I'm okay with my decisions. I am in counselling to learn more about myself and how to not make the same mistakes in future relationships, and how to be a better person/mother/partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Good luck with the counseling. I hope it all works out as best it can for everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater .... I'm okay with my decisions. I am in counselling to learn more about myself and how to not make the same mistakes in future relationships, and how to be a better person/mother/partner. Atta girl. You can only eat a bear one bite at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 I'm okay with my decisions. I am in counselling to learn more about myself and how to not make the same mistakes in future relationships, and how to be a better person/mother/partner. I'm glad to hear that, for eveyone involved...I hope someday you'll be happy and at peace, enjoy your husband and family. Link to post Share on other sites
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