Odd LDR status - need suggestions

[britainfrog]

Hi!

 

I'm Amy. I may have not find a thread that's in common or similar to mine (??) but I hope anyone could help me with some advices and suggestions for my unique/odd situation.

 

What we have now is actually "on hold" relationship as in not exactly breakup nor committed gf/bf like without the romantic stuff (ex. I love you, I miss you, endearments, etc). I don't know what to call this or how we can move from this place to gf/bf again - that's the main reason why I joined here last night in hopes of finding the solutions. We still tell people if asked that we're still together and we haven't changed the relationship status on Facebook (FB).

 

We're 40s, divorcees and have kids and careers. It's my 2nd LDR and it's his 1st LDR (twice with me). Dating for almost 1.5 years now (not counting 5 months from 3 years previously).

 

We first dated in LDR 3 years ago for 5 months and I ended it because I couldn't handle the "emotional wall" he put up after his roommate incident. Thought he didn't care or loved me after I've expressed how I felt but nothing has changed every time.

 

After almost a year and a half of chasing after me with on and off contacts, we got back together again. Things were much better like improved communication, more affectionate words, etc. then my insecurities popped up whenever I had PMS or period. It caused him to have "emotional wall" again, bit by bit, not right away. I wasn't bitchy, just needy. Even though I just informed him how I felt in a nice, respectful way (maybe I chose wrong words that made him see differently, not understanding what I was saying and he felt like a failure). Whenever that happens, it caused the spats we had.

 

Then 4 weeks before our 1-year anniversary, he informed me that he's on the fence about us...not sure about us. After listening, I decided to do some self analysis as I realized I might have something that caused the issues and affected the relationship. I discovered the insecurities and after 2 weeks of soul searching, I understood about myself and got control of them (ex. less needy). He was still skeptical and on guard with "wall" fully intact. Despite of that, he still contacted me daily...just slightly different in tone.

 

Then one morning after 1-year anniversary weekend (he cancelled the trip for the funeral he has to go), we had a big spat and he broke off. I informed him that I was sad but understood and respected his decision. We talked and I repeated what I said that confused him more. The next day, we talked again and he changed the status from breakup to "on hold" so we can focus on rebuilding our friendship foundation. I agreed. I thought it'd be temporary but didn't expected to still be "on hold" for almost 6 months now.

 

I'm stumped. How do I get him back in love and be himself fully like before the "wall" happened? Anyway, I know that using NC wouldn't work. Not sure if LC (limited contact) would be helpful 'cuz we're still in daily contact (he initiates it every morning for a short chat and sometimes in the evening before he goes to sleep). We're in LDR for almost 1.5 years so I'm not sure how to bring him back to the way it was before, in love and happy and certain about us, etc. He still has the "wall" - mainly "scars" from the previous relationship and from the way he reacts out of blue (triggers that caused spats), I suspected that he may have a very mild PTSD 'cuz his ex was very controlling and emotional abusive during their 7-year relationship and caused him not to have a deep trust in women. He knows that I'm not like most women and he tries to let go of that. I've not really talked to him about PTSD cuz it's kinda sticky and don't want to hurt his feelings as he's still a bit sensitive about certain things. He's much better at controlling his reactions than 3 years ago. I've been very supportive and loving. Btw, he was still warm and friendly but without the romance stuff/tones. He last told me that he still loves me and cares for me was in May when we last met for the weekend. We've not met again since due to circumstances that cancelled the June trip and haven't make plans. He said we'd meet in Oct. so I'm not sure if it's happening after I've asked him 2-3 times for the specific dates and he still needs to check his schedule. I'm frustrated. (Update: he finally agreed to one weekend in Oct and plans has been made.)

 

Do I keep supportive and loving or do I change some things a little bit like pull back or something? Since I just joined here last night, I'm kinda overwhelmed by so many reading stuff and not sure where to start with first since my situation isn't quite common (?). One of my questions is what is this we're in now? Is it normal for a couple to be on hold and in friendship mode? Is it dangerous like he'd weaning me off before the final big end or will he return to me fully? Any hopes for him to return to me fully like before? (I hope so...!)

 

Any suggestions on how to get him to fall in love again since I'm not being needy anymore (at least, in control of that) and to encourage him to let go of "scars"?

 

Many thanks in advance for your patience and help!

[TMichaels]

OMG, how lucky are you?

 

There's only one man left on Earth and even though he has "walls," mild PTSD, doesn't trust women, has already told you he's "on the fence" about a relationship with you, ended things, came crawling back on his own terms, and reluctantly has agreed to seeing you again (well, maybe... whether he really shows up or cancels again remains to be seen) -- he's exactly what you want and you'll do whatever it takes to get him to fall back in love you.

 

Wow! Re-read the above. Do you realize how pathetic (and needy) that sounds?

 

WTF is "rebuilding our friendship foundation" supposed to mean? Do you realize what a load of bollocks that is? It's his way of keeping you on a string in the event he can't do any better and it's working like a charm.

 

And this crap about both of you telling everyone else that you're together and refusing to change your relationship status on FaceBook? WTF for?

 

Are you daft? Why are you putting up with this sh|te? Do you truly believe you deserve to be taken for granted and treated this way?

 

Do you honestly think you can *make* someone fall back in love with you? Why would you *want* to make someone do that anyway?

 

Would you like to spend the rest of your life on pins and needles always looking for signs whether his attention and affection is true -- because that's exactly the path you'll tread.

 

What should you do? Get some self-respect, get your head out of the clouds, and get the heck out of Dodge -- now.

 

I don't care about the fact you've invested three years (oh, but wait... only five months, three years ago) in this loser. If you keep holding a torch for this idiot *you'll* be the loser -- literally and figuratively -- though some people might say you already are for putting up with this crap as long as you have.

 

You *can* do better, believe me. If you don't think so, then instead of spending two weeks doing more soul searching, perhaps you should speak to a counselor to help you work through why you think it's okay to settle for crumbs.

 

Not healthy. Not acceptable. Not, not, not! So hitch up your big girl knickers, and stop doing it -- now.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Solcita2]

Sorry if I missed it in your post, but do you two know each other in person?

 

If so, how often were you able to see each other?

Any plans in future to end the distance?

 

I know being in a LDR might be hard, I also get the PMS thing, but I try to keep it to myself... he realizes it anyway, but he knows it's nothing about him, but about my stupid crazy hormons...

[FitChick]

It boggles the mind how some people in LDRs don't have the common sense to realize one of them will have to move eventually, unless they just want a FWB or affair situation.