Merin Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Kaia.. have you heard from the Pre~Christmas guy yet? Gimmie some 411 here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted December 30, 2004 Author Share Posted December 30, 2004 Merin...not a peep! He knew I would be gone over Christmas, and asked when I would be back. He asked if he could call me again, to which I replied, "Yes, I'd like that." Mind you...this is a guy who found my phone number in his dresser drawer 2 years after our first phone conversations, and admitted that as a warm up to calling me again had called a couple of times but hung up without leaving a voice mail. I get the impression that, despite the fact that he's good-looking, intelligent and funny, that he's rather shy... I've never had a call from him during the week, only on weekends. I guess the next couple of days will tell the story... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by KaiaMahina Merin...not a peep! He knew I would be gone over Christmas, and asked when I would be back. He asked if he could call me again, to which I replied, "Yes, I'd like that." Mind you...this is a guy who found my phone number in his dresser drawer 2 years after our first phone conversations, and admitted that as a warm up to calling me again had called a couple of times but hung up without leaving a voice mail. I get the impression that, despite the fact that he's good-looking, intelligent and funny, that he's rather shy... I've never had a call from him during the week, only on weekends. I guess the next couple of days will tell the story... Damn Girl! He is shy! I say this.. give him the benefit of the doubt here.. he DID keep your number for 2 years, he DID have to warm up before he had an actual conversation with you.. AND he did ask IF it would be alright for him to call you again.. so yeah.. IF he had zero interest in things.. I think he would have just said have a good holiday and see ya. IF he doesn't call you in the next few days.. then call him on Monday and see whats up.. nothing to loose right?! I hope you have the glow on Friday night girl 2005 has got to improve;) Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted December 31, 2004 Moderators Share Posted December 31, 2004 I've been reading the comments that everyone offered to Kai et al. since my last post, and I've been thinking. In addition, I just had a great conversation with a close friend about how "distant" I feel from everything these days ... the whole holiday season, etc. I've noted to her that I found it interesting that a "Shack" poster {Kai} has echoed many of my EXACT same feelings. It all got me to wonder if there really WAS anything to be gained (even at the surface) from all the frustration and agonization that has been described as of late. Perhaps the only real positive thing to come out of it is, well, self awareness. I wonder just how many people (couples?) have the chance to actually consider on a day-to-day basis, just exactly where their hearts and minds "are." Do they even get the opportunity to unplug from their "union's" situation long enough to take stock? More importantly ... is there any point to do so? I am sure of one thing. I remain confident that there is strength to take from the experience. There is a lesson I can learn. There is a calm knowledge that I can gain here, even amidst the background noise. Now, the only remaining question is ... what is it? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Face it, if you were on a desert island with no worries about food/clothing/shelter, you'd still be miserable because you would be alone. All these wretched pep talks about being happy with yourself and having a wonderful life as a single person are pure-d bulls**t. I'll continue to be the contrarian here. Sure, wallow if you all like in misery but why? One of my all-time favourite posts contained these lines "Life is a very brief encounter with a golden moment of consciousness which you get to use in any way you desire. You can work, smell the flowers, go to DisneyWorld, amass a fortune or go broke and lots of things in between. Life is a flash in the pan. It's here one day and gone the next". I said it before and I'll say it again; there is plenty about life to enjoy even if you are not in a relationship, and particularly if you are not stuck in a bad relationship. It doesn't mean that you don't look forward to having a great relationship one day, but rather sitting and sulking on the pier doing nothing but waiting for your ship to come in, you might as well be enjoying every day you have. IMHO, all you do by focusing on the misery in your life is get caught up in a rut of focusing on the misery in your life. OTOH, if you develop the habit of looking for the good, enjoyable, and delightful, not only will you be happier, but people will be drawn to you because of your pleasant outlook. If you think all this misery isn't showing outwardly and repelling folks, I'm thinking you're mistaken. And, since we English-speakers don't have a neutral pronoun, kindly understand 'you' to mean 'in general'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 Curt, by Jove, I think you're on to something! You came up with a great perception in that most couples never really do "unplug" from their union to know themselves, or to see the union from the outside looking in. They go through the motions joined at the hip and there's usually some kind of huge cataclysm eventually, which one or both never see coming. Yes, absolutely, the positive aspects of these agonizing, flagellating situations is self-awareness. I find it interesting that you phrased it as "only self-awareness". Only? Yeah, I guess it would be nice to get something else along with it, like a new Benz or the rulership of a small principality, but you know how it is. I figured out a long time ago that, for instance, they tell you that virtue is its own reward because that's all you're damn well gonna get. If that ain't enough you may as well descend into a life of debauchery. But you know what's funny...? I've been dumped a couple of times, and I've had a goodly number of exes re-enter my life strictly of their own volition, and I've discovered (after stupidly accepting their apologies, and agreeing with them that they've been foolish and cruel, and absolutely wallowing with gleeful abandon in their attempts to "make it up" to me) that they've made no progress whatsoever in that arena of self-awareness. They're like goofy, uncomprehending day-hikers who get lost in thousands of square miles of wilderness who end up traveling in a BIG circle right back to you and come limping into your life, grizzled, unshaven, haggard and nearly bereft of any sense they once had, with delirious tales of misery and pointlessness. And once you clean them up and iron their clothes, they're precisely the same pathetic idiot who dumped you in the first place. They actually believe that they're coming back to the person you were a day, or a week, or a month before they dumped you. The person you were when you still trusted them. Still loved them. Still had something of a bond with them. What they don't realize is that that "you" they thought they were coming back to is in an unmarked grave somewhere where they left you the day they cut you out of their life! You have gone through a torturous, miserable, but ultimately illuminating course of reflection and analysis, not just on yourself, but on that person and the entire relationship. You can't be sitting at your kitchen table when a tornado blows the fricking roof completely off the house and still be expected to continue sitting there months or years later, drinking coffee as if nothing strange had happened! But they seem to think you're in some kind of stasis, or that you're sealed up in a museum exhibit. You aren't the same person that they loved, and you never will be again. The person that they want no longer exists. Is that a good thing? Yep. For YOU, it is. For those who lament their rash decision to cut you loose and decide to come back, it's sometimes very BAD news. And sometimes it's the only way you ever learn anything about yourself. Hopefully you'll gain something so wonderful that it's worth the price in unhappiness that you had to pay for it. But unfortunately (and this is why I have such a dim view of reconciliation), they haven't experienced anything even remotely resembling the transformation you've gone through. And now the blinders have been removed from your own eyes, you can see what and who they truly are, and sometimes it ain't pretty. I guess, whether you've been justly or unjustly dismissed, it's an opportunity to understand something of yourself that you never knew existed while you were being an "and" with someone else, as Curt described. And Merin...I'm going to call this guy sometime this week because I didn't hear from him over the weekend. What the hell? Life's too short. If he's not interested, onward and upward. I did have the glow, girl! Happy New Year! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Yay for the glow! I'm happy you've decided to give him a call.. and you're right, he is either interested or he isn't (I still think he is) So yeah.. LOL you know I want the 411 on that! It's interesting what you've said about NOT being that same person after a break up.. I've found this to be true regardless IF you were the dumper or the dumpee.. This is a conversation I ironically enough just had a few days ago with my EX.. I was the one who broke things off with him.. but he still wanted to try again.. I told him that there wasn't any possible way I could just go back into that.. I've changed.. and how interesting it was that he couldn't understand why?! Sheesh! Happy New Year Sista;) Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 Yeah, I agree that you can also change significantly when you're the dumper. I, too, have an ex who insists that our friendship consists of him becoming my boyfriend again. He was shocked and surprised when I explained to him that I don't love him "like that" anymore. Can't figure it out. Actually sat down and wrote out complicated lists trying to comprehend what went wrong! Oh, well! I guess I should revise my theory and say that some people (either dumper or dumpee) goes through a transformation after a breakup which makes reconciliation impossible, while others never have a clue...seems like I'm fated to always wake up and smell the coffee while my exes are hitting the snooze button over...and over...and over... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 Originally posted by KaiaMahina Yeah, I agree that you can also change significantly when you're the dumper. I, too, have an ex who insists that our friendship consists of him becoming my boyfriend again. He was shocked and surprised when I explained to him that I don't love him "like that" anymore. Can't figure it out. Actually sat down and wrote out complicated lists trying to comprehend what went wrong! Oh, well! I guess I should revise my theory and say that some people (either dumper or dumpee) goes through a transformation after a breakup which makes reconciliation impossible, while others never have a clue...seems like I'm fated to always wake up and smell the coffee while my exes are hitting the snooze button over...and over...and over... It's really kind of odd when I think about it Kaia.. my last relationship I had really thought he would be the "ONE" *hear the angels singing?* strange.. neither do I! it wasn't exactly a good or healthy relationship.. so it strikes me as odd in a couple of ways.. one that I "thought" he could be the one when he was clearly a jackass.. and two that I waited so long to say "You got to go" Even more odd.. is how I changed in the time.. actually a short amount of time in feeling different towards him.. I stopped missing him, I stopped wondering if he was okay or what he was doing.. I guess it flipped him out.. because even though he was a jerk (and admits that) he still can't see why I CHANGED.... Screw waking up first to smell the coffee sister.. I'm going to starbucks by myself.. telling them to take the "let us" crap and shove it and letting the ex know the snooze button is broken beyond repair! So... you going to call the other guy before Friday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted January 4, 2005 Author Share Posted January 4, 2005 Well, as old Carl said, "Your vision will become clear when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes." My experience with exes is that they're always looking outside, at me, trying to figure out how/why I changed, and getting no clue, much as your last guy. At least your "the one who wasn't" has enough sense to know and admit he's a jerk. One of my exes is still trying to get back together with me (after 5 years apart) because he believes that I have changed for the better and could now function in a relationship with him! He doesn't realize that I'm now light years further from being a suitable mate for him than I was then! He should have struck while the iron was hot. Poor boob. Most of these guys (with the exception of the latest ex) cause me to cringe when I think how crazed I was because of them. I have to wonder if I was legally insane, or had misplaced a clump of very small but very powerful brain cells to have wasted such time and anguish over them, not counting all the weeks and months spent "getting over" them. Ugh! The only reason the latest ex isn't included is that I'm at the tail end of the "wishful thinking" spectrum, his best traits still bright and fresh in my mind, and the betrayal still bitter. Once these things dull a little bit, the old indifference will creep in. Give me a year and I'll be exclaiming, "What was I thinking?!" Especially if I meet someone who eclipses him...and ain't that always the way? I have to admit that, looking back, each successive "the one" was more "the one" than the one before him! Which means, that, yeah, I'm going to call this new guy before the end of the week. Problem is, I was brought up in a very traditional way...meaning, you don't call men. They call you. But, like this guy said, "It's 2004 (which is was at the time)...a woman can show a man she's interested." I already know he's not the type to ride in like a crusading knight. He wants to know he's not going to get a hockey stick slammed between his legs for his trouble. PS -- if you could bottle that short order indifference you felt for the jerk, you could make a serious chunk o' change, girl! Little pills called Nevahmind (as in "you ain't no never mind anymore") hawked in infomercials on Saturday morning. I'd be your first customer! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 "Nevahmind" and "Noneya" sold at my little hallmark store!!! Noneya for when it's none ya damn business who I'm seeing anymore, what Im doing anymore.. and what you will be recieving for the holidays! Nevahmind for when you don't mind so it don't matter anymore! Look for these items next to the "Get F**ked" card section.. and the gift wrap for that big a** box of indifference is free! I'm happy you're going to take the chance and call this other guy sister.. I have some good feelings about it I agree with you as well.. it seems for all the ones who didn't turn out to be the ONE.. at least they seem to be getting closer to that.. so yay for us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 Merin, girlfriend, this is for you: I didn't have to call the bookstore cutie 'cause last night as I was lounging around on my sofa after a nice warm shower with my jammies and my fuzzy blue slippers, he called me. (I wasn't the only one behaving like that little animated icon. Strangely enough, my pet rabbit chose this time to bomb into the living room and begin about 90 minutes worth of frantic rampage all over the room, including batting at my feet with her paws and biting my socks...does she know that mommy is talking to a man who isn't her daddy, because, after all, the ex gave her to me as a gift and always referred to himself as her daddy! ) Wished me a Happy New Year, asked about my trip and then we talked for about two hours. He really makes me laugh out loud! As the conversation wound down, I said, "We'll have to get together for coffee again sometime," and he said, "Yes." And, at the end, he said, "It was really nice talking to you and then he asked, "Can I call you again?" I said, "Yes, please do." It's a good sign that he's still calling, but dang! Can a man be so shy that he can't ask a woman out again even after he's steamed up his car windows with her? I mean, he acts like we're in the 19th century with all this "Can I call you again" stuff. What does he want, to ask my father if he can "court" me?! That would pose a problem because (a) my father is deader than Julius Caesar and (b) even if he were alive, he wouldn't give a tinker's damn. I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign that he continues to call, and clearly enjoys talking with me but never seems to find a way to ask me out again. I mean, cripes! It took him 2 bloody years to work his way up to this! Sometimes I think he's afraid of me, or afraid that any attraction we have will fizzle...or wary because he knows I was dumped by a fiance. He even asked me if it "felt weird" to be kissing another guy, and asked what I would say if the ex called me out of the blue. And, when I was telling him how the relationship ended (because he asked) and I finished by saying, "And that's the end of that one," he replied, "I don't know about that." I asked what he meant and he answered, "I just don't know about that." Maybe he thinks I'm on the rebound and he doesn't want to be caught in the middle. In the meantime, I'm having freaky dreams...three nights in a row I dreamed a different ex showed up and wanted to get back together with me. Dreams are a big deal in Native culture...especially prophetic dreams. But there's nothing really prophetic about them because of the three, two have already wanted to get back together with me in what we refer to as "real life." The third was THE ex and frankly, I'll lay odds that Godzilla will wade out of the Atlantic and eat Boston before that boy ever calls me again. Link to post Share on other sites
djones Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 KM Thats Great news I am so happy for you!! Yeah he is shy, he sounds like a real gentleman, you are going to have "push" him along for a bit till he gets a little more brave. I kind of know what thats like I am kind of shy not to the extent as your guy is and my new girl had to "push" me along by asking me out after our first meeting. I thought she was out of my league and I thought that she did not like me...maybe your guy thinks the same about you....Just think of this as a good thing, you know that he is not a player and he is very considerate and caring towards you. I would say next time you guys talk say "hey you know what we talk so much on the phone why dont we go out for dinner and talk face to face and have a nice night out" maybe that will give him the courage to ask you out the next time. give him the benefit of the doubt, no matter at what age, I am 30 and I still dont know much about this whole dating stuff, I just know how to treat a lady right with kindness and being a gentleman....I think this guy sounds the same. I am so happy for you!!!, you deserve the best . Take care and keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 Yay! I knew he was allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll about it! Clearly he has an interest (smart man ) however I can feel your frustration... for God Sake ASK HER OUT! LOL!!!!! When he says again (and I know he will) that the 2 of you should get together again... tell him when that will be! Dreams are crazy girl... but yeah if you look at them (really look at them) they are telling you something... Go go go Kaia it's your birthday! Keep me posted! Link to post Share on other sites
mischafan160 Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 I think it's a good thing he's being so respectful and moving slowly!!! Maybe just because I'm constantly around a bunch of hormonal sex-obsessed college boys, such old-fashioned politeness is refreshing! Just go with it...it sounds promising and it shows that he cares. Meanwhile, I just checked my messages and a guy who I was friends with last year while I was with my ex, just called to suggest we get together this weekend. I always suspected that he liked me and and I always had a little thing for him, even though I would have never acted on it because I was madly in love with my then-perfect boyfriend. We talked for the first time in months about a week ago, and one of the first things he asked me (after "how are you?") was "How's your boyfriend?" To which I replied, "Oh, it didn't work out." To prevent myself from sounding dejected, I added, "I think it was a blessing in disguise." Which, after 3 months of hell, I'm beginning to believe. And now he wants to see me! Yay! I'm glad things are looking up for us both...we deserve it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaiaMahina Posted January 7, 2005 Author Share Posted January 7, 2005 Merin...yeah, I will have to be a little more...shall we say, explicit, in dealing with this guy! Still, gotta say this. The others who ended up being exes were very aggressive and the pace was whirlwind. Maybe this slow dance is a better deal because perhaps there will be more of a foundation on his part if it eventually goes anywhere or, if it ends anytime soon, I won't have a lot of emotional investment already stocked up in it. drjones, you got yourself a new girl?! Awww, how could you think she didn't like you? Any girl with some good sense would think you're something special. And mischafan, it's probably good as I said to Merin that this guy isn't sending an airplane over my house with a banner declaring undying love for me at this point. I now see that as a big red flag. Yeah, we got a little familiar in his car before he dropped me off, but he doesn't see that as an excuse to call me up like I'm a 900 number, or show up on my doorstep with clean underwear in a paper bag! He's just...comfortable and fun to be with. Kinda nice. And congrats on the prospect of seeing the "background guy" (isn't there always a background guy when you're madly in love with someone else?!)! Let us know how it goes! Link to post Share on other sites
djones Posted January 7, 2005 Share Posted January 7, 2005 KM, Slow dances are always the better bet!! You get to know that person's every move and its pure joy when you find something new about that person every day. I think your guy is just very shy, once he feels comfortable around you he will open up more, I think he needs a woman like you with a great personality and very outgoing to get him to lossen up. heheh My "new girl" I guess I should say GF...we decided over the holydays actually christmas to be exclusive it was kind of wierd how everything turned out, she is very outgoing and I was still in that ex funk and she knew that i told her and she was very supportive (she went through the same thing about 8 months ago) and she keeped on asking me out and it was great everytime we went out it was like we were teenagers all over again. I still ask her what do you see in me, but she just smiles and says someone that I have been looking for a long time. So far so good, I still have my guard up but I am happy. I think its about time for you to be happy too, its been too long for you and everyone here on LS. I saw your other post I will post something about that too, you blew my mind about the "second chances" concept very interesting thought.... Link to post Share on other sites
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