24 years.....down the drain. Time to go now....

[Haunani]

This morning I woke with a kick in my step - one that hasn't been there in a long time. We just got back from vacation last week, it was 2 wks with my family. One of my last with all of them as tonite, I'm calling it quits.

 

I've been married 19 yrs together 23, I don't recall being happy for longer than 5 minutes.....He certainly opened my eyes over the vacation with sinking realization that my husband will never change, he will always be the manipulative, controlling, serious and unfun, unloving, alcoholic person he has always been.

 

I'm getting out. I didn't do it before 1) for the kids - always had the goal in mind - when he turns 18.........he's now 18.5. and 2) I finally, got the approval I've been waiting for from my god-fearing Christian mom who stood her ground that the woman should always stand by their man no matter what.

 

When we went on vacation and the kids were so excited to hit the Outlet malls in Arizona, we don't have them here and they are so huge there.......it was on the our itinerary, and we've been talking about it and checking out the mall online, we were so excited..........when we got there, my husband had the sulkiest face, pouted, and walked ahead of all of us so fast, we could feel his tension, and he just wanted to get out of the mall. Once I just purchased some kids clothes, when he stood in the doorway, with an angered expression *What....that's not something you can buy at home?* and turned without waiting for an answer and walked out, I asked, begged, pleaded for him to visit his family (why we went there) while we go shopping, drop us off and come back (15 was only 15 min from there house) we got into a heated argument right in the mall, he was being a jerk I felt. Through gritted teeth he simply stated *You knew I hate shopping, just do what your doing, don't worry about me* he spat with venom, as he continued to walk with his hands behind his back strolling, acting like he was looking into windows, the mood was ruined for all of us by then. Theres 6 of us, we all like no love shopping, except him, and the initial plan was the he spend time with his family he couldn't/wouldn't see it that he was ruining the fun, and was a stick in themud, we promptly left after 30 min in the mall, I was furious.

 

Then we get to his families house, this was 11:00am, and now we put on a happy smile, everthing is good, lets play pretend, instead of us all going to bfast, he says we'll just visit since we have an 8 hr drive to the snow. We all chit chat, I grab some coffee, and he and his nephew pop open a beer, my eyes open wide, thinking okay he'll have only 1 or 2 ........in one hour they tanked 5, I tried to stop him on 3, but he kept sayign *ah, just one more one more....* I was upset, the kids eyes darted back and forth to me but didn't want to confront him in front everyone, his family whom he hasn't seen in 15 years. Then he insisted he could drive - he already knew how I hate driving in the mainland with those trucks, but I did because he was risking our lives and didn't think 2x about it.

 

Then we get to the snow, its 3 teens and my 6 yo daughter who's never been on ice before. They all take off leaving me to be with my daughter for 2 hours before they even came back to visit us.......he decides to stay and *teach* her so I can go skiing, all the while I hear him yelling at her *NO! Not that foot, this foot, getting very impatient with her and she's crying by now. I come down the hill once, and tell him to go up with the kids because he's not *teaching* her anything, he's irritated now, Well, she hears me, but doesn't listen. While she's sobbing uncontrollably (because he made her go down the lift), and so I took over to comfort her, take off her boots and play in the snow, that made her more happy. There's little tolerance and hardly any patience, unless he's had a few beers.

 

Or when he hears in my voice after analyzing my circumstance over and over and getting nowhere near the results I wish.......I'm not saying I'm anywhere near perfect, and with this last year I have also gone into self medication - felt if I couldn't get out, I'd join him, and I did....I hated myself every day for drinking, and realize now that I'm not giving my kids a chance at life with an alcoholic dad, they don't need an alcoholic mom too, he's a very prominant person in the community, who secludes himself in the room at night drinking to bliss - not to drunkeness but enough, and I let him because then I can deal with him........I know I'm at fault too being the submissive (doormat?) wife because it was too exhausting to fight and try to get my point across, he'd always win.

 

The hard part is that we work together but I guess I need to figure that out as I go along.........Its not worth anymore to have 2 parents together in a house where there is no happiness, no love. Well on his part yeah, he's constantly telling me he loves me, asks me If I love him too, and I can't answer him. Or I'll say *I'll always love you, you are the kids father*. But for me, the love is gone. He's been someone I tolerate, someone I work for, someone who fathered my kids and provide financial support. I divorced him emotionally a long time ago, I just play the game to get me through each day. I don't know what stopped me before - the kids, the memories, the sadness that he didn't put enough effort forward to see this coming and decided to continue to drink himself to pretend it didn't exist.

 

Tomorrow is his birthday - How appropriate. Maybe it is truly a BIRTH day, a New Life for him, me and my family. I have lots to be thankful for. I'll start now.

 

Thanks for letting me vent - again. I hope this will be the last time I cried wolf. The guilt on his face, is always the unbearable part. The sorry, sad person he is when he's been defeated, he somehow becomes the person - the humbled, sweet person he was when he's lost........I need the strength...........

 

Encouraging words are always welcomed!

 

[SexiiPinkLadii]

I hope things improve for you...sorry to hear they are rough right now.. **HUGS**

[izzybelle]

haunani,

 

i hope this goes well for you! i've been there. my situation wasn't nearly as bad, in many ways, to what you described but i know what you're feeling. i had emotionally divorced myself from my ex years before the paper actually made the divorce legal. and what you said about the kids is exactly what i felt. although my ex isn't an alcoholic, he's inconsiderate and selfish and a bunch of other things. and my way of dealing with it was to distance myself from him and unfortunately that meant being out of the house and away from my kids. when i realized i was becoming a lousy mom, that was it, i was done. i had to take responsibility for myself and my kids.

 

so.... if this is what you really want, and it sounds like it is you will be so happy (eventually) you won't believe it. the road will be difficult, but if there truly is no hope for saving your marriage and getting the love back then do what you need to do for you and your children. when i asked for the divorce even though it was difficult, it was so empowering that it's hard to describe. i felt so much lighter!

 

stay strong and don't give into the guilt trip that may happen!

 

good luck!!!!

izzy

[Haunani]

Thank you to you both for your encouraging words........Tonite was doomsville to say the least, he read my letter and spoke but 2 words to me all night. It's okay though, I'm okay with that., it's the guilt I feel when the kids ask *what's wrong with Dad that he's sitting outside?..........

 

Only time will tell, and thanks again for the words of encouragement. I need those right now ~H

[Haunani]

my eldest son knows *something* is going on. He's one of those, quiet, shy and reserved types, yet when you get them out, and they blow, they blow.......he just told me, that if he thinks what is going on is true, then the *community better watch out*........ I asked him what this meant, he only laughed. He's very close to his dad., and I'm wondering if he's bluffing...but then again from his past experience, I don't think so.

 

He's very vulgar when he gets angry, at me mostly because I discipline him. Last time I separated from his dad, and his dad slept in the car, my son punched out a wall inside his room from anger, with clentched fists at his side swaying back and forth and teeth grinded talking through to me, he hated what I was doing to them. And I was almost afraid, he was only 16.

 

This time, he's 18, and knows nothing, but I fear he will destroy something, or someone if he knows.

 

Has anyone encountered such anger from their kids? I know its me wanting out and leaving, but he knows I don't get all the respect I deserve, yet, I'm the wrong one and he's a very angry boy right now. My husband doesn't see it, and thinks he's an angel.

 

I don't know what to think now.........

 

My son doesn't act that way in front of dad, only me, and if I'm left alone with him, I will kick him out fast, police escorting if I need to, which I don't want to resort to that. My husband now wants to stay in thse house, cause he knows I will kick out my son if he acts up with me. What's up with that?

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Haunani

Has anyone encountered such anger from their kids? I know its me wanting out and leaving, but he knows I don't get all the respect I deserve, yet, I'm the wrong one and he's a very angry boy right now. My husband doesn't see it, and thinks he's an angel.

 

I don't know what to think now.........

 

My son doesn't act that way in front of dad, only me, and if I'm left alone with him, I will kick him out fast, police escorting if I need to, which I don't want to resort to that. My husband now wants to stay in thse house, cause he knows I will kick out my son if he acts up with me. What's up with that?

 

Get thee and thy family to ALANON. Everybody sounds like a common character in the alcoholic family. There's a great deal of information out there and they sure as heck can help. But the symptoms and the anger run deep and at 18, they've been there for a long time. It's going to be rough. You could leave, that would be an answer. Or you could stay and fix things and then leave. Sounds like you're pretty well set of getting out of there.

 

Alcoholism can destroy families. It can contaminate other relationships, it can get VERY ugly. But it doesn't have to.

 

mA

[SoleMate]

He could be depressed as well as alcoholic. Depression takes a huge toll on marriages. You've been very strong to have stuck it out for this long. I truly sympathize.

[Haunani]

Ma I agree that an alcholic family is very dangerous, to the mind and soul as well. It's been nice and peaceful so far.....my husband has been out of the house for the last week (on business), and for the meantime, I want to make the holidays as smooth as possible for the kids.

 

I didn't realize there are so many things that happen in divorce situations, the paperwork involved. The things that need to be worked out. Especially, the wave of emotions I'm going through.

 

On one hand, I had wished he would say, he'd seek counseling, we'd seek counseling., he'd go to therapy, aa, whatever to save the marriage, but he hasn't said that yet....I think he's hoping if he just talks nice and basically behaves as if he's trying to court me......the flowers, the gifts.....I know it's his ploy, and my resistance is wearing a little........but always in the back of my mind, I know how he can be on the other extreme.

 

Right now, I'm putting it on hold until after the holidays. We haven't slept in the same bed since, but we have been talking. Hard to get away when I work with him......ugh. Sometimes what we know as familiar is so much easier and pretend the rest doesnt' exist when their is turmoil like this.....

 

I wish I had a magic genie that would grant me 3 wishes..........or just make me disappear.......

 

Thanks for your inputs.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Haunani

 

I wish I had a magic genie that would grant me 3 wishes..........or just make me disappear.......

 

TRu DAT!

 

Damn! my sentiments exactly!

 

mA

[VivianLee]

Haunani, I truly feel for you and what you are going through. It's hard enough dealing with your husband but an angry teen is even harder to deal with! You were so helpful to me in the past. If you need to talk PM me anytime!

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers...I hope you can at least have a peaceful, happy holidays!!

[Haunani]

Thanks Vivian.......something weird has happened.....my husband and I went to our Christmas party (on another island), and we had 2 long nights of discussions, we didn't blame anymore, we were past that. But we were both hurting, and agreed that our marriage after 24 years was worth one marriage counseling and major therapy crisis material.

 

I decided it was worth a try, and I broke into tears as he did, I think we lay there that night soaked in our saltiness. It was cleansing.

 

When I got home that night, my son came in my room, sat calmy on the edge of my bed and said *Mom, are you and dad doing any better or is it getting worst, and I should expect the worst soon?* I was taken back because he's never talked in such an understanding fashion before, I was moved to tears.

 

I didn't know he knew we were having problems, but he did. The tension so thick. But I explained we were definately going to work on it, after 24 years, it was worth one more try, therapy for both of us. If that didn't work, then at least we can say we both tried. He understood, and I thanked him for talking to me in a calm manner and not exploding.

 

My heart has been lighter, and the decorations are done, it feels so much better when there's no tension........The house has been absolutely alcohol-free for 3 weeks now! I am close to walking on water.........

 

Again. Thank you.

[VivianLee]

My heart has been lighter, and the decorations are done, it feels so much better when there's no tension........The house has been absolutely alcohol-free for 3 weeks now! I am close to walking on water

 

I'm so happy for you!! That has to be a wonderful feeling....NO TENSION!! Hang in there!!

[suzyq]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Get thee and thy family to ALANON.

 

AMEN! While my husband is not alcoholic, we have both been affected by the alcoholism of family members. Like it or not, we both have deeply ingrained codependent behaviours/attitudes that exacerbate the others'. It never ceases to amaze me that I can walk into an Al-Anon meeting feeling like crap and come out after an hour of listening, sharing, or even crying with a feeling of comfort, validation, or gratitude.

 

When I get caught up in the blamegame, I feel resentful and like a martyr - wondering why the world is sh*tting all over me, despairing over perceived injustices - fuelling my own depression. Now that I'm focusing on my own stuff and leaving his issues for him to fix (if he so chooses), my anger is gradually transforming into acceptance. Acceptance that I am powerless over his issues but I am not powerless over myself. I've chosen to stay with him for 17 years because I always thought that if I just tried a little harder that I could make him happy, solve his problems, make him see the light, whatever. My identity has been tangled up with his so badly, that it's taken me this long to see that we have some serious emotional boundaries issues to deal with. What I didn't realize was that I set myself up to be his emotional crutch, so that I would feel important and needed. I love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but I realize that I can't work on my boundary issues in the heat of fighting and hurt feelings - the same in reverse for him - when we're pushing each others' buttons to try and manipulate some sort of response (whether it's apologies, tears, begging, whatever).

 

Alcoholism affects the family members as well as the alcoholic - how can you live with an alcoholic and not be affected? But I can become equally nutty without ever taking a sip!

 

Alateen is there for youth as well. Alcoholism is a family illness that requires family recovery - otherwise children grow up with their parents' emotional baggage on top of their own. I wish that I had Alateen when I was a youth - it never would have happened though, because my parents would have projected onto me their shame and guilt, for 'betraying' the family and breaking the silence.

 

http://www.alanon-alateen.org